Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by KMD90603, May 24, 2006.

  1. KMD90603

    KMD90603 New Member

    So, I have this "best friend" that really has me fuming. First of all, she's a single mom to a soon-to-be 3-year old son. She recently dated an abusive alcoholic for over a year, and "stuff" hit the fan on that. To make a long story short, he moved an hour away to be away from her. Yet, he calls her all the time begging her to come visit because he's lonely.

    Anyway, the other night she said she'd call me after she got out of work, and that we'd go out for a little bit. Now, for me, going out is a BIG production. I have to mentally prepare due to the fact that it takes ALOT out of me physically. So, I got showered and waited to hear from her. 9 o'clock came around and I hadn't heard from her, so I called. I called at least 3 times or so, and never heard from her. Finally, at 11pm I decided to go to bed. I woke up feeling AWFUL the next morning because of going to bed so late.

    Fast-forward to today. Yesterday I spoke with her and we agreed we'd take our kids to the park. I have a 5-year old son. So, here I told my son that we were going to see her and Rian (her son), and he was so excited. And again, I had to prepare myself. Whenever I do anything out of the ordinary from my normal routine, I pay for it later. So, I called her after I picked my son up from pre-school, and she didn't answer. I left a message and never heard from her. I called two more times and left one more message saying "I don't know what happened to you earlier, but give me a call." Now, I was planning on taking my son to the park today regardless of whether she went or not, so I still took him. But, it's the fact that he was so disappointed when he heard Rian wouldn't be there.

    I got home from the park today and crashed. Luckily, JJ ( my son) took a nap, however, it wasn't long enough. I needed at least 3 hours to recover from today, so I ended up waking up with a headache. Ugh, I'm such a MESS!! This disease REALLY gets old after a while.

    Sorry to ramble, so much is just bothering me right now. I mean, I can understand if something came up today and she couldn't make it. But it only takes 2 seconds to pick up the phone and call and tell me she won't be there. And on top of that, I'm so sick and tired of feeling SICK AND TIRED! I hate the fevers, I hate the nausea, I hate the achiness, I hate the fatigue, the headaches, the joint pain, the muscle twitches. I HATE IT ALL!!!

  2. kalina

    kalina New Member

    I'm sorry your best friend is being selfish and acting this way. You're right -- it's very rude of her not to call you if she can't make it, even if she is unaware of exactly how sick you are.

    Maybe you shouldn't make any plans with her for a while. Often we are better off without toxic people like your "friend."

    I had to give up on my former best friend because she was toxic to me and my health, While I miss the company sometimes, I am definitely better off without her.

  3. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    because i was the one planning on doing something w/them but i would have migraine or pain...you know...how it is...

    this person told me that whenever we make plans you cancel because you are sick...i said for now on i will play it by ear...call me if you want to do soemthing on the spur of the moment... and if i am up to it then i will do it.. if not i won't go...

    she didn't understand what was going on w/me...then she ran into a friend from her past that has fibro...the lady explained to her what was going on and how her husband was leaving her because of it...and the money woes..and how it takes all of her strength jsut to go the the grocery store...

    my fiend said she was just shuffling her feet...

    i think my friend finally got it...

    but w/your friend...i would tell your friend that you worry when she doesn't call back...think something bad has happened to her...and if she is w/this man you will judge her but be honest w/you...because of all the stre ngth it takes just to put yourself together...and you are just as happy laying around on your sofa ...or you will be happy to go to park w/your son and if she feels like showing up you would love to see them

  4. LittleBluestem

    LittleBluestem New Member

    Unfortunately, some people are really clueless. If you just drop her, she may not understand why.

    When you are feeling better, call her and, nicely and calmly, explain the problems that is causes for you and your son when she fails to show up as planned. Ask her not to plan anything with you unless she is fairly sure that she can make it and to be sure to let you know if her plans change.
  5. AnneTheresa

    AnneTheresa Member

    I had a friend that used to do that quite frequently. It really irked me especially because (as you said) getting ready to go somewhere takes a lot out of a person with fibromyalgia, and being stood up is the pits.

    I speak of her in the past tense because we are no longer friends. She was thoughtless in many ways and I began to realize the stress she created in my life was toxic. Eventually the relationship ended due to a seemingly unrelated argument. I'm not suggesting you end the relationship with your friend, I'm just telling you how my situation worked out.

    I thought I'd miss her but I felt instead such freedom. Now I focus on my few good friends and family, knowing they care and would never hurt me. Fibromyalgia does not leave the energy for less than genuine relationships.

    God bless,
    Anne Theresa
  6. kimfibro

    kimfibro New Member

    it's extremely annoying when a 'best' friend has the audacity to treat you in this way.

    but when you add in the disappointment of your child w/spoiled plans is another story. there's no good excuse when there's a child involved.

    for what it's worth, i'd give yourself some space and time from her. sounds like she may be entangling herself in something else at the moment.

    get yourself some r&r. avoid toxic people. in this case, if she's your best friend you'll be reconsidering avoiding her altogther i'm sure. but, is this a NEW behavior of hers? if not, then i couldn't place her name on my Top Ten List.....

    sorry to have you exhausted and experiencing disappointment. treat yourself well today.

  7. KMD90603

    KMD90603 New Member

    You guys truly are the best. Coming here, it's easy to see what true friends really are. It's nice to know there are people who know exactly how I feel, and how difficult things can be with this disease. My CFS has been so bad lately, and I just don't have the energy to deal with her.

    I am definitely going to stop planning ahead with her. If she wants to do something spur of the moment, I'll take it as it comes. But I obviously cannot count on her being reliable. She is extremely selfish. She puts herself ahead of everyone else, including her son. I mean, if she did put her son ahead of herself, she wouldn't be with this jerk of a boyfriend. For the past year and a half, she's moved back and forth with this poor kid. She'd move in with her boyfriend, things would go bad, and she'd pack up and move in with her parents. So her son has had no stability. I honestly wish the father (who is a great guy by the way) would fight for custody. He may not be perfect, but at least Rian knows he has a steady home with him. And, everytime we talk it's ALWAYS about her. We'll talk on the phone for an hour and a half, and I can bet that an hour and twenty minutes of that will be about either her ex-boyfriend or her job at the Dollar Tree. I can BARELY get two words in. And as soon as I try to tell her about stuff in my life, it goes right back to talking about her

    I'm going to distance myself from her a bit. It's hard to do, because we've been best friends for 10 years now. But, I've got a lot of great things going for me. Yes, I got pregnant at the age of 19, so things started out rough. But, now I'm married, have a wonderful 5-year old son, and have a 4.0 GPA in nursing school. My best friend...she has a 3-year old, an abusive/alcoholic boyfriend, and she can barely hold a job paying minimum wage. I see what she's doing with her life, and I really worry about it.

    I can't be worried about it. She is a big girl and can take care of herself. I have everything I ever wanted. I may have this disease, but I refuse to let it stop me from accomplishing my dreams.

    Thank you all again for your support. It's no wonder I look forward to checking the board every day.

    Gentle hugs to all,

  8. suzette1954

    suzette1954 New Member

    You are young and friends are important. Especially with our DD. My best friend (years ago) was closer to me than my sister at the time. She even moved to Nashville with me when I got out of college. One day she didnt call and I couldnt reach her. I never heard from her again for several yrs. One day the phone rang and it was her saying she had been going through old papers and thought of me.

    She messed me up soooo bad, Ive never let anyone get that close to me again. My husband is my best friend and since I had to leave work with the FM, he and my sister are all I have to talk to. Good luck.

  9. KMD90603

    KMD90603 New Member

    It is definitely difficult feeling like she is choosing the wrong path, and knowing I cannot do anything about it. I feel blessed, as you said, to have my husband as my best friend. He truly is my soul mate, and he keeps me grounded. Without him, I would probably have let this disease get the best of me. But both him and my son are my motivation. Whenever I think it's getting too tough and I just want to quit, I think of them and how much I love them.

    The hard part is, my best friend has been like a sister to me. My own sister has borderline personality disorder and has been very sick for 11 years. So, my best friend came around just when I needed the support. My sister has been in and out of hospitals since I was 13 years old, and she's been in our local state hospital for just about a year now. Everytime she seems to be doing better and starts moving up the level system they have, she either cuts herself or swallows a foreign object and lands herself right back at the bottom. So, I've always considered my best friend to be the sister that I never had.

    There's just so much to deal with lately, between my CFS being so bad, things with my sister, and now my best friend. But, it is refreshing to know that at the end of the day, my husband gets home from work and he's there for me. I feel like the richest woman alive having him in my life.

    Gentle hugs, and thank you so much for your support.

  10. sisland

    sisland New Member

    A big Amen to all the above advice!! you and your Health and your son come first!!.............................Take care of you!.......................sisland

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