OT - just for fun - jokes

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by victoria, Jan 7, 2006.

  1. victoria

    victoria New Member

    Dead Mule In The Churchyard....


    A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police.


    Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department

    They explained, "Since there was no health threat, you'll need to call the Sanitation Department."

    When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor."

    The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely

    unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.

    The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor.

    The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said,

    "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

    The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response.

    The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking,

    "WELL Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

  2. victoria

    victoria New Member

    Hmmm, I entitled this post "Jokes", as in plural, and only put one...

    so here are some creative messages we COULD put on our answering machine if we were daring enough...

    the first few are for those of us who are known for our brain fog or talking in our sleep...

    (I have been told I've had whole conversations on the phone while asleep - even cost a friend a job that way when I was at her house asleep... so now I NEVER keep a phone by my bed!)
    -----------
    -----------

    "Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it."
    ------------

    "Hello, this is Joan. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Just hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?
    ------------

    (A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) "Hi, this is Kathy. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better."
    -----------------

    "I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am..."
    ----------

    "This is, uh, you-know who. We are... well, you-know-where. So please leave your you-know-what you-know-when."
    -----------

    "I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you. However I assume no responsibility for what it tells you."
    -----------

    "I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks."
    -----------

    "Hi, I'm either not home right now or asleep, but my answering machine is home and wide awake, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
    -----------

    "I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone RIGHT now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, uh. This is so confusing..."
    -----------

    "Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
    -----------

    "I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm able to be here in person."
    -----------
    -----------

    "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."
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    "These words are lovely dark and deep, But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep... So leave a message at the beep."
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    "We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
    -----------

    "This is NOT an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
    -----------

    "This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test."
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    "The number you have reached, 555-0477, has been changed. The new number is 555-0477. Please make a note of it."
    -----------

    "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak CLEARLY at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
    -----------

    "The bell hath sounded.
    Thou MUST leave a message..."
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    "WE ARE ALIENS. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But since we're not home right now, leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later..."
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    "Hi! Mary's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
    -----------

    :)
    LOL, these days, the first one is the one that would be the most realistic/truthful for me...
    Victoria



  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    This is the Disability Message Board Police. Your postings have been found inadequate. Therefore we will stop by your home this afternoon and remove your qualifying disease. You will then be ineligible to post on this board.

    Thank you and have a nice day.
  4. victoria

    victoria New Member

    LOL, I sure would like to receive that message on my phone too -- OR my computer when I tried to sign in!!!!!

    :)
    Victoria