Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rockgor, Aug 9, 2006.

  1. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Even tho I titled this "OT", I think it is important because humor takes our mind off our troubles. Just got back from seeing the dentist and my mouth hurts, but I forgot about it while I was jotting down the following verse.

    Also most of the socalizing I do nowdays is on the computer. I'd be really lonely w/o e-mails and this message board.

    Anyway, this is a place for light verse, jokes, riddles, what have you.

    The Penguine

    The penguin is so popular,
    It really is a funny thing.

    People stand and point and smile.
    Even tho it doesn't sing.

    Spelling, etc. doesn't matter. An extra "e" or a missing "i" is of no signficance.

    NB: for those who want to read the masters of light verse, check out Ogden Nash, Georgie Starbuck Galbraith, Dorothy Parker, Richard Amrour, etc.

    And here's a bit of humor culled from a report back in the days when I was training new attorneys:

    She testified that she saw the doctor for headaches and minstrel cramps.

  2. kholmes

    kholmes New Member

    but in the meantime, here's one for the "other fun topics" category:

    World’s Worst Analogies

    She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
    R.M., Fairfax Station

    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
    R.B., Springfield

    McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
    P.S., Silver Spring

    From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
    R.A., Washington

    Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
    C.S., Woodbridge

    Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
    R.B., Springfield

    Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
    J.B., Chevy Chase

    The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
    G.H., Silver Spring

    Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man”.
    R.B., Springfield

    Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.
    J.H., Arlington

    The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
    W.G., Madison, Ala.

    They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
    P.K., Syracuse

    John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
    R.B., Springfield

    The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
    B.F., Alexandria

    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
    C.S., Woodbridge

    The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
  3. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    The index shows no response to my post, so I was planning to be the first. Haha

    Those similees were like...other things. Laughed out loud so hard I made a nose, I mean noise.

    The receptionist at the dentist's office was sending out the mail. Got to reminiscing.

    OK, here's a verse titled:

    In Days of Yore

    You could mail a postcard for just one cent.
    A lick and a push and away it went.

    You could mail a letter for 2 cents more.
    A nickel candy bar at the corner store.

    And 2 nickels got you 2 bottled cokes.
    For 25 cents, a pack of smokes

    Or a gallon of gas. You could take a trip
    On a 2-lane highway. Let 'er rip!

    Living was cheaper in those pioneer days.
    But no TV. We had simplier ways.

    And no computer. No jet planes.
    Seemed Life had more of the slower lanes.

    All gone now, like the hula hoop fad.
    But still, I remember; the good and the bad.

    And, yes, I know. Through memories' haze:
    Someday these will be Good Old Days.
  4. mrpain

    mrpain New Member

    1) Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

    2) Is it good for a vacuum to suck?

    3) Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

    4) Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

    5) Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

    6) Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?

    7) Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

    8) Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    9) Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

    10) Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
  5. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Sioux City Sue, Sioux City Sue.
    There aint no gal as true as my sweet Sioux City Sue.


    Sioux City Sue, You an' me is thru.
    I've only known you a week.
    You drove my pickup in the creek.
    Sioux City Sue, Sioux City Sioux.
    The guys all say it's true that
    Trouble follows you.

    Sioux City Sue, I'm going to sue you.
    You went and broke my heart in two.
    And stole my drinkin' buddy too.
    Sioux City Sue, Sioux City Sue.
    You got a heart as mean as a rattler in a zoo.

    For you young 'uns not familar w/ this song, it was a big hit in the 40s. Recorded by Bing Crosy, Kate Smith and Gene Autry.

    Was also a movie starring Gene, Champion, and Sterling Holloway.

    Sterling was in numerous movies and the voice of many Disney characters including Winnie the Pooh.

    Sioux City is located in Iowa.

    Iowa is just south of Minnesota.

    Minnesota was our northernmost state until Alaska was adopted.

    So now you know.

  6. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    You guys are killing me! My tummy hurts from laughing so hard!!!


    Stop and smell the puppies!
  7. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    Great laughs!
  8. boltchik

    boltchik New Member

    thanks for the laughs, not feeling well at all today, i needed one. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? lol
  9. spacee

    spacee Member

    These are too funny!


  10. tonakay

    tonakay New Member

    I really miss my purple hula hoop guys......

    Tona the hula hoop queen
  11. foggyfroggy

    foggyfroggy Guest

    I never had ANY purple hula hoop guys at MY school!

    Har Har

  12. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Yup, that Dorothy Parker was a hoot.

    The wittiest woman known to man. Also a very unhappy woman w/ a drinking problem.

    I'll take her and Edna St. Vincent Millay over Sara Teasdale and Emiily Dickinson anyday.

    I'll have to see if I can find some more great verses to post.

    Dorothy suggested a couple of epitaphs for herself:

    "Excuse my Dust."

    "That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."

    [This Message was Edited on 08/12/2006]
  13. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    The poems you quoted have long been favorites of mine. I read a biography of Dorothy some years ago. There was a period during the depression when she and Alan, her husband, were both working as screenwriters and making a total of about $5,000 a week.

    But she wound up in a NY apt. alone and bitter and ill w/ dog poo on the floor.

    I never read anything about Edna's life. Didn't know she died from a fall. (So did the young tenor Fritz Wunderlich, just before his Met debut.) Have to see if the library has a bio of her.

    I quoted Renascence in my high school graduation speech.

    When I went to high school, we had to memorize poetry. Still remember bits and pieces today. But we never heard anything about their lives except maybe, "He was killed in WWI".

    And we certainly never heard, "He was another of the many gay poets."

    But like most people, I like what was around in my youth when it comes to music, poetry, short stories, etc. The stuff of today is for young people, I guess.
  14. ckball

    ckball New Member

    For the third day my phone service has been out, no phone no interent. So I am playing catch up here is a little story I thought was cute

    The Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.

    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

    The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


  15. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Carla, good to have you back. Just remember to pay the phone bill in the future.

    Honora, post some stuff by your stepsons. How wonderful to have creative people in the family.
  16. kirbycat

    kirbycat New Member

    Words Women Use

    This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    Five Minutes
    If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
    Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

    Go Ahead
    This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

    Loud Sigh
    Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

    That's Okay
    This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly

  17. kirbycat

    kirbycat New Member

    Pay attention folks.... Put it on your calendar to CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARDS a week before you die. Please don't put your family through having to talk to "Customer Service" at whatever Bank.

    Canceling Credit Cards - Priceless!

    Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
    This is so priceless, and so so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
    A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.

    A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

    Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

    Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

    Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

    Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

    Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

    Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

    Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

    Citibank: "Excuse me?"

    Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

    Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

    Supervisor gets on the phone:

    Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

    Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

    Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

    Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

    Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

    Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

    Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

    After they get the fax:

    Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

    Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

    Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)

    Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

    Citibank: "That might help."

    Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

    Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

    Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet? (Priceless!!)

  18. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Well, see what I miss when I take time off from lurking!

    These are all great and I too love Parker and Millay-I actually have a recording of Millay reciting her own poems.

    I wonder if any of you have ever read Robert Service? His poems are not funny at all but rather reflect on the futility of war and other life events.

    As a Brit, living in the USA, I miss some of the sayings we used to use there:

    "Don't just stand there looking gormless." (this would apply to someone who was not being at all helpful) another would be "Don't just stand there like Piffy on a rock."

    "Up the pole", "Round the bend(or twist)", "barmpot", "crackers" and "daft" for doing something stupid

    "Looking as badly as two pennorth of godhelpme" for someone looking ill, and the word "feeling poorly" for illness

    "Skriking" for the sound of an incessently cryin child
    "mither" - as in stop bothering me(stop mithering will you?)

    and the Yorkshire way of still using thee, thy and thou when speaking: "Eee, thy muther'll kill thee when she finds out what thou hast done." (My mother was a Yorkshire lass).

    These days, there are lots of new Brit sayings, like "gobsmacked" for shocked and "gutted" for feeling awful or sad.

    I don't hear many of these idioms in New York, but I feel Southerners probably have some.

    I will leave you with my favorite, "Don't get your knickers in a twist." (Don't get in a flap)

    Does anyone know where the word Yank comes from?

    Thanks for the great chuckle this morning-almost got rid of my belly-ache!!!

    Love Anne Cromwell

  19. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Everybody, at least when I was in school, read the most famous poem of Robert Service "The Shooting of Dan McGrew". The boys liked this poem cause it was rough and tough and red-blooded.

    I read on the net that he got rich from just that poem.

    After decades of reading British books, I have picked up some UK useage. You can tell me if I get it wrong.

    A lorry is a truck and you put petrol in it rather than gas. A lift is an elevator. Mews are apts; probably used to be stables or a garage.

    Knock me up means something like phone me or wake me up in the morning.

    There was some confusion during WWII when Brian Ahern said on a live radio broadcast in the states, "I want to tell all our brave soldiers to keep their peckers up."

    Brian was English. Just saying, keep your chin up, Lads.

    For the kids in the audiance, this will illustrate how fleeting is fame. Brian Ahern was a movie and radio star married to another star, Joan Fontaine. Both made movies for decades. Both have stars on the Hollywood sidewalks.

    Joan is the younger sister of Olivia de Havilland. As far as I know both sisters are still alive. Olivia has lived in Paris for many years.

    I wonder if 100 years from now people will still think Gone With the Wind is a great film.
  20. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Yes you got it right. I once made the mistake of asking my classmates here at University, "Does anyone have a rubber I can borrow?" Meaning an eraser. I never lived it down.

    The ballad of Dan Mghee is it(may have got that wrong) is really great isn't it?

    He has one spine chilling poem about the army of the dead.

    I also like Hillaire Belloc:

    Godfrey Gordan Gustavas Gore
    Was a boy who NEVER would shut the door....

    and Edward Lear

    and for the life of me I cannot recall the author but I am always retelling

    Well yerv erad of a seaside place called Blackpool
    Whats noted for fresh air and fun
    Well Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
    Went there with young Albert, their son

    and another I love contains the lines (Noah speaking)

    Well not liking the looks of the weather somehow, I was thinking of building an ark

    I think the title is Birdseye Maple as the whole poem is about getting a deal on Birdseye Maple, and it may be Sam not Noah.

    I also love the Irish expression:

    "When God gave uus the gift of time, he gave us plenty"

    when someone is impatient with you.

    Love Anne CRomwell

    and PS I think these posts and kholmes and others are really so healing as they make us relax and laugh-laughter truly IS the best medicine.

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