OT- my daughters dad couldn't even call!!!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lenasvn, Dec 25, 2005.

  1. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    My ex-husband, my daughter's father keep hurting us even though he's gone from the home. how? By ignoring the children on their birthdays, and holidays, coming with all kinds of lies and excuses after the fact (still with not as much as a card). I was "nice" enough to remind him ahead of time (100 or so miles away) to at least send a card to his daughter for christmas. I tell him I save cards for the children to look at as they grow up, a family tradition. I have never scoulded him for treating them like dirt, and I have never given him a reason to "punish" any of us. I have carried my anger with dignity, handeling the relation like a separated parent should, without dragging up the past, ever. I am MAD and could kill him with my bare hands, how the h-ll can you hurt children like that? My son goes to a counselor because of the depression he carries from his step fathers lies and confuising behavior. My ex. is diagnosed as a pathological liar by the VA, if anyone ever met one, you might have a clue how it is to deal with one. Not to mention him making pretty darn good money, while me and the children live on the amazing $546.00/ month from the state since I can't work. The child support that he wines and complains about (only 285) goes to the state as long as I depend on welfare. It doesn't matter, he couldn't even send a jacket to his daughter when she was sick alot from the cold and it was freezing temps outside. I am so frustrated and dissapointed! I also want to keep my children from further pain from his ignorance? How do you deal with such things for the sake of the children? I am not used to this kind of stuff since I am from another country. Do I just cut off the ties with him to keep the children from getting hurt by his "come-when I feel like it" attitude" (about 2-3 times a year), or what do I do? Someone have to protect those kids, but what is protection then? HELP!
  2. jaltair

    jaltair New Member

    I'm so sorry to hear about how your ex is making life so miserable for all of you. I can relate. My ex played games with the children when we got the divorce (actually he pursued the divorce!). My ex is pathological as well and did a push pull game. He would get really close to his son and then pull away and distance himself. My son was only 7 when we were divorced, and my ex became worse through the years. I was remarried when my son was 12, and after that my ex didn't want to have anything to do with him. My son would call his dad and was told that he didn't want him to call!

    All 3 of my children were affected by his personality and the way he handled everything. They were also affected by the abuse that I went through while married.

    I would give anything to correct what happened but can't.

    My children are grown now and are very aware of the problems their dad has. I can say that your children will get through this. What you are giving them is real stability and love. That matters more than anythin else.

    My thoughts prayers are with you.

    hugs, Jeannette
  3. victoria

    victoria New Member

    My brother in law never called his parents (88 & 95) to wish them a Merry Christmas or my MIL Happy Birthday last August or even send her a card... he has not called them even once since they moved in with us.

    They moved in last July when we evacuated them from Panama City FL from Hurricane Dennis, as we realized then they could not tkae care of themselves properly or drive really. Keep in mind my BIL only lived 5 miles from them in Panama City, the most he ever offered to do was to pick them up and drop them off at the nearest hurricane shelter... not take them to his house or anywhere else.

    The only reason he knows they're with us is because my inlaws called him initially to let him know. I think they're about ready to disown him... can't say I'd blame them.

    Stuff like this is hard on the kids (like in your case) and the elderly... it is such a shame... but these people are character disordered and there's nothing to do except to get them out of one's life IMO, as they will never change. There's no point in getting hurt over and over again... and I think your kids will come around to that conclusion sooner or later if you lead the way and explain things.

    Hope this helps, I know how tough it can be, been in other situations similar too.

    All the best,
    Victoria
  4. ldbgcoleman

    ldbgcoleman New Member

    I think you should accept the fact that he is an uncaring jerk and try not to stress about him. He is still controling you with his behavior! Don't let him get the better of you even from afar. HE probably won't change. The only thing you can do about it is change the way you react to him. Be strong for your kids and don't let him ruin every holiday for you. I agree with being honest with them if they ask. Take Care and good luck you are a very loving carng mother! Lynn
  5. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    All those replies was really helpful! The world sure is ugly many times. I need to wake up, recover my sinus head ache, and have a big cup of coffee!
  6. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    I thought of it, and I don't think he is controlling me with his behavior. The main issue for me as a parent is that I have to make decitions that affect the children. It has to be the right decition. My wish is to cut him off totally from our lives! This way those things will be a thing of the past. I have to be able to look my children in the face when they are adults and say I did the right thing by doing so. This is not so much him controlling me. He IS legally the father of my daughter. I can't ignore the fact that he in a sense is controlling my 7 year old son since he has to recieve counseling to cope with this crap. I can ignore my ex. for myself, but he is very much there when I look my son in the eyes. His bull____ only affected a SMALL part of our holidays, 99% was joy and holly! Ha!
  7. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    he is doing that on his own, which is even better....i'm divorced mother of a now 16 year old...i know there are laws pertaining child concealment....you have to deal with the courts....you have to take the high road....don't bring up the dad at all only when they bring it up.

    if they ask if they are supposed to go to dad's say yes or no whatever the situation...and drop it....don't mention anything about i wonder if your dad is coming or is mailing anything....

    do they have his phone number and address or email...they could call if they wanted to or write when they are able too...

    is the father not abiding by the child visitation agreement? do you want to change it for more or less time with your children? have you asked for a copy of his w-2 and income tax returns? you can do that once yearly and he can do that of you also?

    i had the same thing happen with his father my son was older about 11 when his dad left to litteraly live with a stripper/or dancer...think about that nice life stalkers follw these stupid girls home they were leaving him alone...i could go on and on but no time....

    anyways....you can not legally cut off ties with the kids to thier fathers....do you have a child visitaiton schedule? if you don't they are not going to do anything extra for thier children...they are out in la la land having fun with their lives...kids are responsiblities and he is a pathological liar...well he is mentally not able to deal w/reality...so save your negative energy for the court rooms take in for more child support...i can't undertstnad if this man is makign such good money then why do you have to be on tanf? i am not sure what state you are living in but he is responsible for half the child care as long as you are wolring or going to school...don't expect the state to do the foot work for you they don't have the man power or i believe personally don't care...lazy...but every county is different...

    but i know that you should really consider modifying the child support and visitation papers if this is a problem...if he his not going to be in your kids then maybe he can pay a littlem more to you...i have been on tanf and trust me 548 plus my 50 a month for tanf isn't half of my rent for a two bedroom apt....not too mention basic utilities...i stayed in a relation ship too long because he had offered to help me out...that was the wrong thing to do hind sight......


    but anyways try not to mention the fathers lack of whereabouts...stick the the visitaiton sheduled that you have now don't cut the kids out of their only fathers lives...the the father do that on his own it looks better for you to do that....trust me they know who whas there in the long run when they grow up and you theyt can depend on...

    just do not break any laws by child concealment, if you feel threatened the go to an abused shelter w/the kids or file a restraining order...but don't play games too much stress for everyone...give your energy to something more positive for the kids...that is my6 advice..


    jodie
  8. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    I agree with you, I want to do what is correct legally, at the same time cause as little harm as possible to the children. I never mention him to the children, also hoping they won't ask. I will look more into this, and get alittle more hum of his whereabouts. It is important to not take any hasty actions, and to keep my own emotions out of it. Considering the circumstances- I am doing pretty well. Thanks for your great advice, I could not do without you guys at the board!
  9. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    Oh, I do! I just never imagined I was going to live on a dime since I moved to the US. I am planning on going home within the next year or two. You get diagnosed and treated easily for FM/CFS back home. It has been a frustrating struggle. My time will come! I am so glad to see another Europeanb here, though!!! Big Euro hugs to you Ggigi!!!