****OT - MY WEDDING PLANS ARE GETTING (less) STRESSFUL*****

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Jeanne-in-Canada, Apr 24, 2006.

  1. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

    I'd like to announce that me and my fiance, Ron, that I've been w/ for 2 and a half years are getting married this coming July 8th, 2006.

    Oh, that wedding plans were that simple as announcing the date. His family and friends are interferring in our plans which took us over a year to hash out. We've been engaged for a yr and a half, and he would have been married long ago, but I was holding out. Mostly, we coulnd't agree on how we wanted to get married. He wanted the big church, everyone there, and I don't. It's my 2nd marriage, his first, and I'm very chemically sensitive, esp. to perfumes, including the layers of perfumed products everyone smells like all teh time.

    So we agreed on a very small ceremony w/ just immediate family. It actually started w/ just our mothers, then he insisted on our closest family and I agreed. Then he wanted to have it all at his friend Perry's, but I didn't want a backyard bbq like he did for a reception, but I agreed to the small outdoor ceremony at Perry's. Since Perry would be there and his close circle of buddies started whining that they needed to come too, he browbeat into that. But I told him no wives/girlfriends, I need to keep the group down in case it rains and we get closed in together. Then he started insisting we couldn't do that, so it has to be 3 buddies and 2 wives.

    MY FRIENDS ARE NOT COMING. I've gotten no pressure from my family and my friends don't mind at all. We have a group of 45 friends, fam, and aunts/uncles invited to the recpetion and we are springing for a swanky little restaurant that can only hold a small group of up to 48, so we have the out there. But since it's in his friend's yard, and everyone assumes it shouldn't matter how many people come because we are outside and it couldn't possibly bother my allergies (wrong if it rains, w/ rheumatism I don't need any help feeling crappy alone at home, as you all know well), the pressure add people has been relentless.


    And so much of that pressure has been from Ron too, w/ his mom being the worst. Even some of Ron's friends, who understand my side and don't get why people won't but out and grow up, think he needs to get his priorities straight and put his wife first. I'm not impressed.


    Jeanne
    [This Message was Edited on 04/24/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 04/26/2006]
  2. ilovecats94

    ilovecats94 New Member

    Jeanne,
    My son just got married on 4/2. I think I was more stressed out about it than he was. This wedding was more traditional and involved over 90 people, about 15 from my husband's family coming from out of town and staying in motels.

    Of course, they were here most of the time. We had to feed them lunch and that was a big crowd. Had dinner here one night with a crowd too.

    The rehearsal dinner was just pizza outside at my husband's uncle's home. There were a lot of people there, but it turned out quite nice.

    Then the wedding on 4/2, and very hard on me (I have FMS) to deal with yet a 3rd day of company and dressing up, etc. I actually hadn't washed my hair or put makeup on when all our out of town company was at our home for lunch on 4/2. I couldn't visit because I had my hair and makeup to do and had previously taken a bath.

    At the wedding, I ended up losing my big toenail on a freak accident from wearing dress shoes that I rarely wear and also being full of fluid from reflux (severe GERD--erosive esophagus). Then 4 days later I got bacterial pneumonia, so you can imagine what a fun week I had.

    For the bride and groom, all worked out well and I haven't seen them but once since they got married. They met last February 2005, and got engaged in July. So had plenty of time for plans. Thankfully most were made by the bride and her parents.

    I wish you good luck in this. It is only a few days, but worth it in the end. The bride wanted a church wedding and thankfully the church only has room for 90 people, but I really think more were at the reception afterwards. There wasn't any place for my husband and I to eat, no tables until someone took the wedding gifts off of the one table to make that available to us. Then there were about 6 more people who sat with us. I don't feel the reception was well planned out by the mother of the bride, as far as seating arrangements go.

    Jeanne, you can't please everyone, but I do think the bride (you) should have the wedding your way. It really went the way that Vicki wanted it pretty much because her mother was totally involved in it.

    It will be so worth it when it happens and I hope you do well holding up for the rehearsal (if you have one) and wedding. It was the most stressful event I have had to go through since I had FMS back in 1995.

    I was actually losing handfuls of hair months before the event. lol Now my hair loss has slowed down.

    Best of luck to you and Ron!

    Big wedding hugs,
    Faye
  3. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    side...i tried to remind myself it was going to be a big pary where i got to get dressed up...

    i have had some friends just do the small weddings out of homes and everyone brought a dish to pass...

    if i were to do it all over again...because it would be my second...i would be opting for eloping to a nice island in hawaii and if people want to come then they come for the wedding...then maybe come back and just have a reception party at a local pub and everyone buys there own, or set a limit on alcohol spent...

    you surly could enclosed to please respect your wished of no purfumes or colognes to be worn by anyone attending because it causes athsma attacks and allergic reactions...and if they can not respect that they are welcomed to send a gift but would rather have you attend chemical free for yoru health...

    jodie

    good luck
  4. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    Great news, I wish you the best..Wish I could offer some advise but all I can say is, it's your wedding and you know your limits with this dd..

    Try not to get over whelmed so you can enjoy this great day...

    My prayers will be with you,
    greatgran
  5. Pianowoman

    Pianowoman New Member

    I hope you can keep the stress down and really enjoy the day. That's what's really important. All the best.

    Kathy.
  6. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    Are you sure you want to marry this guy???

    I'm just wondering why the wedding has to be his way, his way, his way???

    You're the one with special needs and if he isn't respecting that now....I'd be guessing that that's the way it's going to be forever.

    It just doesn't have to be that way...

    Hugs,

    Nancy B.
  7. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

    You don't even know all of it yet. He came home the other night insisting taht all his aunts and uncles had to come now too. Even though I've explained to him 50 times why not, he was insisting it was just outside and he'd gotten some pressure from his uncles and dumped it all on me. He thought he owed them, and couldn't insult them, and tried to tell me I owed his friends too. The one making the worst fuss is doing our invitations, the other couple who understand my side and don't care to come anyway is doing our cake. He figured if I want a cake and the invitations, I owed them. I don't.

    I was beside myself all night. It set me off balance all the next day, forgot my light therapy, vitamins, got constipated, etc. I felt like maybe I should just give in, but I just dreaded thinking of my wedding day at all if I gave in. So I woke in the morning and steeled myself and told him again, screw it. I don't owe them, and I'm not sacrificing my comfort for everyone like I do every family dinner we ever have. I reminded him his family sucks at being considerate of my allergies and he sucked at speaking up for me to remind them.

    He'd rethought things too, and said he was being over emotional, because it was such an emotional night for him and he was so pressured by everyone. It was his birthday, he'd been out w/ the buddies, then saw drunken uncles, then saw crying grandmother and other relatives. His birthday is now the anniversary of his aunt's death, who just died last year. So he just wanted his friends and wives to come. It only adds 4, but I still don't want my friends, so it will be weird for me. But he's unfased, and fine w/ it, as long as he gets his friends. He wants me to invite mine too, but it's not him who needs to keep the numbers down.

    I keep trying to tell him, I need to be at ease, not worrying about things or crowds of perfumy people. I need to be able to focus for my vows, and not chance getting all murky and muddled. He's all about everyone else. I keep explaining myself, he's not hearing it. I'm so dissapointed in him.

    This will either make or break us. He'll either see what he's doing and things will get better from here. But if he keeps up like he is, I'm realizing that our wedding is only a snapshot of what our life will always be about. Him, his family and friends, w/ me being the last consideration. I feel like I'm only stage dressing for his big day right now.

    But he's been bullish about things before and then finally got it, like really got it. We've worked alot of things out. He's always supportive of me and my illness, always greatful to have me, put up w/ my horrible moods and complaining and all the arguments I'd cause when I was depressed. We'll see.


    Jeanne
    [This Message was Edited on 04/25/2006]
  8. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

  9. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    i think the idea of a wedding on the beaches of Jamaica or the Bahamas sounds fab! we had a very small wedding and reception...if i did it over, i would do the trip first, then i would have invited more of my friends....he is alot older than me, had more famiy, etc...i wish i had asked more of my friends....i would have had music at the ceremony...and i would have had a dance at the reception...we kept it small...these are the things i think about after being married for 19 years....but, the thought of a gorgeous beach with the man i love ...what a beautiful ceremony !! the photo's would be great! you would have a great honeymoon...the money for a wedding is such a waste....and as you are finding out, the wedding starts to be for everyone but the bride and groom...so, take a trip, get married, then after you recover, throw a big party/dance for all the people who just HAVE to come!!!

    one more thing, i remember that my dh and i did alot more fighting as the wedding got closer...it is just natural to get stressed out as the big day approaches....you will know in your gut if you don't want to marry him...it will nag at you ....but, bickering is just nerves...and wedding stress...

    good luck!
  10. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

    It's been my wish all along, but not his, not at all. So the compromising and negotiating took a long time. The big difference here, is it's my 2nd and his first. Several have mentioned w/ 2nd weddings, they want to keep it smaller, but when you are marrying someone who this is their first big do, they want to shout it from the rooftops.

    We won't spend too much on the wedding though, we both agree on that much. We both think it's a waste of good money to blow years of payments on a big party. so the restaurant is small, so we don't have to pay extra to reserve it for ourselves. No band, just some music brought in for dancing. The meal will be $25.95 per person, and a friend is making a functional dessert cake w/ lots of fruit. I asked her to model it after my favourite flan custard w/ glazed fruit cake. We'll bring in some of our flowers from our own 5 acres, tiger lilies and whatever else I'm not allergic to. We'll have wine w/ dinner, but it will be byo for the bar.

    My dress is a consignment dress, and he hates tuxes anyway. It's pretty modest, we might pay $2000 for everything.

    Jeanne
  11. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    as well and if thesee people insisted coming then hey...they can buy their own tickets and eat out at the buffets and formal dinners like all the cruisers on the ship...

    it is your day you need to be comfortable...who needs the stress....

    there is nothing unethical not invitingin yor entire family...it is your day...who is footing the bill anywyas...?i am assuming you both are....

    quite simply you could state to people you had an unfornate personal financial matter come up and you are scaling back...

    you guys can not please everyone...and when i had a wedding 400 invitations went out most showed up over 350 people...that was when i was 21 years old...would have been married 20 years this october...but divorced now...

    anyways do what is best for you...keep it simple lady....

    less is best...go elope justice of the peace if you must...then have the big bbq in the back yard lady or at a pub and they can buy thier own booze...so you do not have any legal responsiblities for these people...

    or just have them join you for cake and punch int he back yard and say please no purfumes or colnes...


    jodie
  12. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

    We talked it out again tonight and I really got him to hear me this time, finally. This is the first time I really let him see me upset to the point of crying though. I've gotten really mad and yelled and swore at him plenty, but I think the big lug doesn't realize how hurt I am until he sees me cry.

    Anyway, he was crying too, he actually does that more than I do, and I finally got him to hear me all the way out. Not an easy thing to do, even his mother admits he's not a great listener and is very, very defensive. I've never went out w/ someone so defensive. He's like Teflon Man I've told him, deflect, defend and interrupt, before he's even heard you out. but I made him let me finish every time, and he warned me not to start swearing at him again. It really hurts his feelings when I swear at him and tell him where to go, and I have a much worse mouth than he does, he rarely swears in front of me.

    So, treading much more softly w/ each other, we turned our usual argument about the wedding list into a respectful discussion. I finally feel like I don't have to worry he's going to cave in and demand of me next time someone pressures him about coming to the wedding who isn't invited. I got him to remember that I've done alot of comprimising and expanding our plans already and I'm not prepared to budge anymore. I personally have no patience for anyone who tries to pressure or guilt me about anything they think I just "have to do" anymore. I won't even hear them out. Ron says he's pretty much there now too. We've debated it enough between ourselves, we don't want to hear it from anyone else now, IT'S OUR DAY.

    So our talk turned into a relaxed little chat about honeymoon plans. batting ideas around for something close, so travelling won't wipe us out and waste the trip, and where the weather will be less and definitely not more humid than it already is in July. Then we talked about music and dancing and ideas for our first married dance together.

    Then he got me to dance w/ him in the kitchen. I'm still working on getting him to loosen that vice-grip he puts around my back when he forcibly leads. I've always led if a man lets me, and he definitley WILL NOT let me, hehe.


    Jeanne
  13. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    You'll see- everything will turn out fine. God bless! Terri