OT need a laugh? Come on, it's HEALTHY to LAUGH

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by victoria, Jun 7, 2006.

  1. victoria

    victoria New Member

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    fUNNY qUOTES fROM fUNNY pEOPLE!

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    A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. . .

    All I want to say to the authors of that study is:
    "Duh." --Conan O'Brien

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    Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
    I think that's how dogs spend their lives. --Sue Murphy

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    The Swiss had three hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive! Also pretty lucky for them. --Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? ---Not much of a weapon there Corkscrew. Bottle opener.

    "Come on, buddy, let's go. If you get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. And Backoff. . . I've got the toe clippers right here." -Jerry Seinfeld

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    Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??

    ....I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize,

    Oh my God....
    I could be eating a slow learner! --Lynda Montgomery

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    If life was fair,
    Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. --Johnny Carson

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    Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? -- Lily Tomlin

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    Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. --Jerry Seinfeld

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    In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.

    What is the logic?

    Do tall people burn slower? -- Warren Hutcherson

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    Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. . .

    ... That's why you should never date a baseball player. --Marsha Warfield

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    I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.

    That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.

    We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. --Jeff Stilson

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    I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. --Lily Tomlin

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    Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: "This looks much better on."

    On what? --On fire? -- Marsha Warfield

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    Have you ever noticed....

    Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -- George Carlin

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    I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.

    They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner

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    I'm not into working out.

    My philosophy: No pain, no pain! --Carol Leifer

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    The second day of a diet is always easier than the first...

    By the second day you're off it. --Jackie Gleason

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    I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."

    The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" -- Jay Leno

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    The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. --Roger Simon

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    If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
    --George Gobel

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    Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents. --William Coronel

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    Bigamy is having one (spouse) too many.

    Monogamy is the same. --Oscar Wilde

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    I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;

    I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. --A. Whitney Brown

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    Suppose you were an idiot...

    And suppose you were a member of Congress...

    But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain

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    Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.

    At least they can find Kuwait. --A. Whitney Brown

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    I don't mind door-to-door salesmen. Come to my house and I have a sign on the fence that reads,
    "Salesman Welcome; Dog Food is Expensive." ---?

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    "How ironic... you eat vegetarian and speak baloney!"
    --Get Fuzzy

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    -----hope you laughed at least once!
  2. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    My DH says that every time my dog blinks he thinks it's a new day!

    Love these, thank you!!

    Hugzz
    Greenbean
  3. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    And I agree, you GOTTA laugh!!!
  4. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Somebody said recalling a great quote is almost as good as creating one.

    Here are some from a 60-year old humor book.

    An actress congratulated Ilka Chase on her bestseller "Past Imperfect".

    "Who wrote it for you?"

    Ilka: "Thank you, Darling. Who read it to you?"



    Another show biz encounter. An actress told Noel Coward she didn't find his play "Private Lives" very funny.
    Noel: "That's strange. I saw your performance as the virgin in 'The Miracle'. I thought it was hilarious."


    N.B. Ilka was an actress, author, speaker, and wit. She played on Broadway and in the movies. She was the sister of Bette Davis in "Now Voyager".

    Sir Noel was England's Man of the theatre: actor, author, playwrite, composer, director, singer and wit.

    Both were born about the beginning of the 20th century.
  5. onedaymagpie

    onedaymagpie New Member

    Victoria - thanks, I really enjoyed those and got some good laughs - funny stuff.
    Mag
  6. Forebearance

    Forebearance Member

    An older woman and a younger woman found themselves trying to go through a doorway at the same time. The younger woman stepped back and said "Age before beauty." The older woman sailed through the doorway and said "Pearls before swine."

    These were two famous actresses, but I can't remember their names! lol!