ot need daughter advice please

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by jess, Oct 31, 2006.

  1. jess

    jess New Member

    I really need some opinions. I feel so terrible for my daughter. She has an on and off relationship with this guy for 3 years. He asked her to marry him and she hasn't given him an answer. He has just move to Myrtle Beach for some training and will be there for 2 years. The live now 8 hours away. they have managed to see each other every few weeks. she really does love him. However, he is hightl allergic to her 2 cats. He won't take allergy shots and wants her to give them up. So now they broke up because he says she chose the cats over him.
    She is an extreme animal lover like me and won't give them up. I don't blame her but I am sad because this was a chance to finally be happy with someone. She is 28 years old. I don't know what to tell her. Any ideas? thanks, Jess
  2. eeyoreblue02

    eeyoreblue02 Member

    I can relate to your daughter on this one. I had cats when I met my husband. He announced he did not like cats so I told him he could just go away.

    We've been together for 12 years now and he is crazy about cats. The two I had in the beginning have passed on, and we now have three others.

    As far as your daughter's situation is concerned, if her boyfriend truly loves her the way a man is supposed to love a woman he wants to marry, he should be willing to take the allergy shots and let her keep her cats. I am sure he would expect her to make a small sacrifice for him if there were a similar situation.

    If he is serious about marrying her he will ask for another chance and this time the allergy shots will be part of the deal.

    I really hope she is able to work this out to a happy conclusion. Tell her to give the cats a hug and a kiss for me. They deserve the treatment she is giving them.

    Linda
  3. mindbender

    mindbender New Member

    Jess teasing.

    That is a big problem. How do you give up your cats, or any animal for that matter?

    Do you just take them to the pound, give them to someone else that may not really want them, or is really able to take good care of them?

    Isn't he alergic to her clothes also?

    I think he is being unreaonable. Is this the real reason he dropped her I wonder, or is it the other girls in the wash room at his apartment complex?

    Speaking of complex, this is a tough one. Sorry I can't help.

    Dan
  4. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    Hmmmmmmmmm-
    I have a bit of a different perspective on this one. He isn't saying that he doesn't LIKE cats, he is saying that he is allergic to cats. Allergy shots aren't a "cure-all"; they may help,or they may not work at all, or they could make things much worse.

    I went into acute serum sickness from just taking the allergy tests and one allergy shot. It took almost a year to recover from the ordeal.

    I also happen to be allergic to cigarette smoke. When I met my husband, he smoked. He didn't smoke around me, but I could smell smoke on his clothes and in his car. I stopped dating him because I would have horrible headaches from the lingering smell of cigarettes.

    He quit "cold turkey". When he did this, I realized how serious he was about our relationship. He was miserable to be around for a month or so, but I hung in there because this was a huge sacrifice. He had smoked since he was 15 years old.

    Yes, I know there is a difference between cigarettes and a live animal. I have a little minature German Schnauzer that I love dearly.

    If my husband or son were diagnosed as being allergic to her; I'd find her a good home with another family. I'd miss her. I would also try to go see her, but my family's health would be more important.

    After the "serum sickness" reaction to allergy shots/tests, I have a different perspective on the effectiveness of allergy shots.
  5. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    Sorry but in marriage you give up a lot from both sides. Allergies are serious and I do not blame him not wanting to take shots. Each other should be the #1 priority .

    I think there is something else maybe keeping them apart .Maybe they do not know for sure and are useing the cats as an excuse.

    Don't get me wrong I love cats and dogs but my husband comes first. In fact we are moving where I can not take my doxy's of 4 years with me .I have found them a wonderful home ,I will miss them a lot and probably grieve when they are not around but this is part of life .We have to move on.
    I just do not understand when an Animal is more important then another human.
    I hope she figures things out but I also hope this guy finds someone who loves him more then they do a cat.
  6. Seeseaisme

    Seeseaisme New Member

    Marriage and holding one together is my most challenging job, second only to being a mother, myself. In my opinon, if they are having problems with simple things like pets, they are having problems and marriage won't make that any better.

    It sounds like you've done a great job of teaching your daughter about boundaries. At the tender age (lol) of 48,I'm just beginning to understand my likes and dislikes and how they interact with relationships. Clearly your daughter has strength of character and her cats are important. Her boundaries should not be moved, because this bf wants it so. There are always going to be compromises in relationships, but I kind of agree with the daughter on this one.

    And anyway, I think your daughter is happy with herself, something lots of people, aren't. Don't you think?

    You asked for opinoins, and got mine.

    Have a great day,

    Sees

  7. TKE

    TKE New Member

    Give up her cats today...what comes next...what if she had kids & he didn't want them around & wanted her to sign off & give them to her x or something.

    Marriage is giving & receiving, but to force the other to just give up something they love usually means there's something else going on.

    When my Huz & I got together I had 3 dogs. He didn't let his kids(5)have any house pets. I had no kids. So we compromised. I accepted his 2 teenage kids (last ones at home) into my home & he learned to love animals. We grew into 8 dogs & 3 parrots over the years. He turned into an animal lover, but does insist on some restrictions as to what they can/can't do/where they can lay/etc. He helps care for them, clean their cages, etc.

    If this relationship is to make it then they need to work things out now, not after & end up in divorce.
  8. mollystwin

    mollystwin New Member

    My son is severly allergic to cats. He's an adult now, but when he was five he was admitted to the ICU with an asthma attack after being at my MIL who had three cats. He almost died. My MIL refused to give up her cats. So my son could never go to her house-ever. So whenever there were family dinners, birthday parties, holidays, sleep overs with all her other grandchildren except him, he and the rest of our family was exluded.

    This went on for 2 years until I had it out with my MIL. My son once asked me why his grandmother liked her cats more than him! Broke my heart. So I kind of told off my MIL and was considered the evil daughter in law for quite a long time. She did get rid of her cats and then kept saying she didn't even miss them!!!

    If you daughter loves him, she will get rid of her cats.
  9. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    This man gets Ill around cats.
    This is more of a health issue then get rid of a cat issue. If something made me sick there would be no dought in my mind my husband would fix the problem.
    What about "In sickness and Health"?
    I do not think she should feel resentment because its a health problem.Like another person said Allergy shot are not always the cure.
    If it was just that he didnt like cats I would feel differently and side with her.
    But this is about takeing care of our loved one health the best we can.What if he took the shots and became deathly ill?That could happen.

    Ive said many times on this board I wonder if my Illness started because of all the Allergy shots I have had threw the years.
  10. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i hear there is stuff that can be purchased at vet's for the animal dander.

    my son is allergic to cats, hamsters, birds you name it.

    i start wheezing if i am in someone's home w/cats. my son does the same.

    cat blame him there.

    jodie