OT: Older Parents I need your wisdom

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by susabar, Sep 3, 2006.

  1. susabar

    susabar New Member

    Please help !!! I have a girl who just turned thirteen , she is my youngest from a second marriage... I know what I am about to say makes me sound bad BUT.. she has the worst personal hygeine and habits as well. She has very oily skin which makes her hair oily very quickly, this in turn has given her terrible blackheads etc... I did take her to a dermatologist but she didn't comply by washing and using the various medications. I have to threaten her to get her to brush her teeth!! They are usually cheesy... Her older sister was never like this, she was always well kept etc...
    my son went through a period of not wanting to shower and stuff but only his feet stunk. I am often embaressed by my daughters looks. The habits are.... spilling food or drinks on her clothing ( every day ) leaving a "trail" of stuff in her path... trash , drawers open, lids off, TP on floor. You get the idea. I don't know what to do !! I don't think I can stand this much longer !!
    Thanks for letting me vent...
    Love U
  2. painintheeverywhere

    painintheeverywhere New Member

    Hi Sue,

    I would make your daughter shower before bedtime and scrub her face with a mini lufa sponge (99cents at Target or Walmart) and I would also wake her up and put her in the shower in the morning to do the same. If you get a plastic storage that sticks into the shower she can brush her teeth while showering so it is all done at once.

    I know this sounds like it is overbord, however when her face clears up and you and others constantly reinforce how much better she looks and feels it will become habit (at least once a day).

    Also, buy her new clothes if possible along with nail and hair products and have a "spa" night each week and get exited about it where you do facials and manicures for each other. Don't compare her to her sister though...it could lead to other issues.

    Good Luck!

  3. justjanelle

    justjanelle New Member

    is there any chance she could be suffering from depression? Signs of depression include a lack of personal hygiene and a lack of motivation to carry through on things.

    The teen years are difficult ones, and many do become depressed for various reasons.

    I'm not saying I'm sure this is the root of the problem, but it might be something you would like to discuss with her and perhaps her doctor.

    If she is depressed, there are treatments that can help her deal with the depression -- and she would be more likely to find the energy and motivation to improve the hygiene as she feels better.

    Just a suggestion.

    Best wishes,
  4. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    Sounds like depression or low self esteem .You pick the shampoo get something for oily skin. Also sometimes if you give her the product she will use them dont make a big deal out of it.
    How about a trip to the hair dresser? short hair is always in and easy to take care of .

    maybe time for those teen magazines to help her get ideas about fashion and hair. And they will discuss good hygiene products that reinforces your fix to a problem.

    you might even have her talk to a doctor in case there is depression. Does she have other girl friends ? She is starting into adult hood and may not be emotionally ready sounds like rebellion.

    She may not think shes cute or pretty so why try .Time to fix the hair and even add some simple things like lip gloss do not over whelm her with makeup.

    But be willing to add things here and there if she shows interest.Like a blush or even a trip to a makeup counter they will do a free makeup day for her call ahead and set an appointment explan what you are trying to do.

    Get the Haircut then go for makeup samples.Maybe a good few hours out with Big sister and OR mom

    Good luck the teen years are the hardest.
  5. susabar

    susabar New Member

    Thanks A Lot , I think some of you were right about the depression thing !!!! I will look further into this!!

  6. 143alan

    143alan New Member

    I have a 15 year old son and remember when my neice was in he same stage. The less that was said the better. Like a lot of phases children go through...this too shall pass. However, I do feel that my son is also depressed.

    My son has very oily hair/skin and has terrible acne problems. I stopped paying money every month and losing time from work just to run him to the dermatologist if he was not going to be compliant with what they wanted. He uses the wash and takes the medicine when he "thinks" of it and no matter how hard I try to keep it up front and remind him he is still only going to do anything at his pace, when he wants to.

    Good luck w/ your daughter. I understand, I'm dealing with the same thing with my son.
  7. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    behaviors? Is she a bright girl? I don't mean to sound mean and it's not a bad thing..but my friend's daughter was tested and they found out she had an IQ of 68 and that her hygene problems were due to not being able to organize herself among other things due to her mild retardation. I am NOT saying your daughter is a special needs child, but it does sometimes get overlooked by loving family. I probably shouldn't have even mentioned it and hope I didn't offend you in any way.

    If my friend hadn't had this happen I wouldn't have thought of it at all. Anyway for her granddaughter she made
    lists and hung them in the various rooms with a place to check off each
    thing. It really helped her to both do the things she needed to but to help her organize things as well. She now lives with another family member that she works for in their shop, she's in her 20's now and doing great. She's engaged in fact.

    Even if your daughter is perfectly quote unquote "normal" the lists might help. PLEASE don't take my suggestion in a bad way, I only wanted to try and help and couldn't help but think of this girl from the description you gave. Best of intentions only I promise you! Bambi
  8. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    What excellent wisdom you've gotten here! Yes, I also sense a young girl with self-esteem issues. Is it possible to get her counselling?

    Sue, please don't think we're criticizing or finding fault with you as a parent. Some kids go through stages more easily than others. Your daughter sounds as if she's having a hard time making the difficult transition from kid to teen. I have a granddaughter who's much the same.

  9. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    I loved your post lol
    I guess I left that out
  10. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    Sue, I have 3 sons, no daughters. I remember when my sons turned 13...everything changed. It was as if aliens had come during the night and taken over their bodies. They looked the same, but their personalities and behavior changed. I do remember when I was 13 years old. I never got any compliments or positive reinforcement....only threats and comparison to my other sisters. I didn't do the things that your daughter is doing, but I remember my self-esteem was nil. Every child is different and you have to sometimes use different techniques with each one.

    Will she talk to you? Maybe you can get a third party involved....an aunt, a cousin, an adult friend of yours. There could be so many different reasons why she is behaving this way and until you know why she refuses to take care of herself, I don't see how you can help her correct the situation. Could she be rebelling over your separation from her father? She is an honor student and you are very ill. It sounds like she has some stressful situations to deal with. At 13 she doesn't yet have the skills to cope. She may not even realize that these things might be affecting her.

    Try not to get too upset over this. Try not to cause her embarrassment. She might just get rebellious and try to get attention or lash out by continuing the very behavior that she alone can control. Pick your battles. This definitely is a disagreeable situation, but she is only 13 and is headed towards greater challenges.

    I think a lot of good suggestions have been made here. How is her diet? Is it contributing to skin problems?

    Don't forget prayer. Jesus said that we do not receive because we do not ask. Pray for your daughter about this specific problem.

    Just a few suggestions. This is a difficult time for both of you.


  11. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I wonder if your daughter would talk with a counselor? If you have decent insurance, most policies pay for it, or some employers have an "employee concerns program" that pays for employees and/or their families to see a therapist.

    I agree that she could be depressed, or like most teenage girls, have a low self esteem problem.

    As far as "making" her take a shower, etc., I have never been able to MAKE my children (when they were teens) do anything!!! You can scream, threaten, take away priviledges, etc., but if they don't want to do it, they won't!!! I have never had to strength to physically pull them up off a bed or chair and push them into a shower!!! LOL

    It seems so strange to us parents as to why a teenager would want to walk around smelling, in dirty clothes, have greasy hair, and sweaters on their teeth!!! I just can't imagine going out in public like that!! Teens are strange creatures!! LOL

    Right now, my two grandsons, ages 8-1/2 and 10, are neat freaks and even insist that their Mom buy them deoderant to put on!!! They must take a shower each night before bed and put on their deoderant, and even put on their deoderant again when they get dressed for school the next morning!! The oldest is worse--he puts on clean "boxer briefs" (the latest trend in boys underwear--which he "must" have) after his shower at bedtime and then must put on another clean pair when he gets dressed for school--because he has had the other ones on all night!!!! This cleanliness bit with then is driving my daughter nuts!! I'll have to tell her the teenage problems and she which one she prefers!!! LOL

    Hope things get better for your daughter.

    P.S. I hear Jessica Simpson advertise that Proactiv on TV all the time about how it clears your face up in a couple weeks, but I think it is a 3-step process.

  12. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Is she functioning OK in other ways, like concentrating, understanding social norms etc.? Does she forget her homework, lose schedules and can never find a pencil etc.?

    Some people have poor fine motor skills too and really cannot help spilling things or being absent minded. They have what is called executive functioning disorder, which means the part of the brain that organizes is not working well.

    My 12 year old who has autism, I have to remind him to pee in the morning, even. Every day, we have to go through a check list in the morning:
    Did I pee?
    Did I shower?(he only just learned ot do this alone)
    Did I wash my pimples well?
    Did I make my bed?
    Did I pick up my room?

    He often wears all of his clothing inside out and does not notice the pants pockets flapping away.

    So the reason I ask the above is not that I think she has autism but she may have some executive functioning disorder that she truly cannot manage alone, so shouting and nagging will only make her feel worse. A self check list works better and praise praise praise for when she gets it right.

    To discover what it can be like to be this way, try setting a table standing with your back touching the edge and your arms behind you. Try eating by looking in a three way mirror and trying to find your mouth.

    Many people have this disorder and people do not know about it.

    On the other hand, she may just be a complete slob.

    Hope this helps,

    Love Anne
  13. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    I just remembered when one of my sons was around 10 or so he hated taking a shower or a bath. I mean...HATED!!! He used to think it was a punishment. He would say.."why do I have to take a bath, I didn't do anything wrong". Go figure.

    I just remembered that.
  14. justlooking

    justlooking New Member

    and have basically the same issues about appearance. She is a beautiful girl with 13 yo self esteem (which means none basically) and complains constantly about her skin to me.. but the second I offer up a solution, she shoots it down like I have no idea what being a 13 yo girl is like.
    So I have my Mom or sister suggest the same things and Low and Behold she accept their advice. Sometimes I just think its a mother/daughter thing like a battle of wills.

    So now when she complains about these things I say "well when you are willing to listen to my suggestions, things I did when I was your age or things I've learned through time that I should have done, I'll offer you up some ideas". Its just too frustratng to say the same things over and over again for nothing. I just keep a variety of products around for her when she's ready.
    Now she listens a little better about some things but skin is not something she seems interested in changing just complaining about LOL

    She also sees a therapist because she has some anxiety problems but he says she doesn't suffer from depression so it may not be that is the problem with you daughter
    Just the age!! And most of my daughters friends have the same hygeine type problems, all different, some are wearing the same clothes till they could stand up in a corner, some wont' brush teeth, or brush hair or won't wear deoderant. I'm sure once they start caring more about attracting the opposite sex they'll care a little more about how they look and smell.

    Hang in there.. I'm sure trying....I still have 2 more kids after her to get through too. Another entering middle school this week AAAAKKKKKK

  15. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    That would make me crazy. I could see myself following her around making her clean up, etc. - no good I guess.

    If she wants to lose her teeth due to gum disease, she will be the one to live with dentures by the time she is 20.

    You might go buy her a electric toothbrush, maybe the novelty will make her use it. Promise to buy her some new clothes if she starts taking care of herself.

    You did not say her age - is she a teenager. You might consider a therapist, it just does not sound normal.
  16. TerryS

    TerryS Member

    My eldest daughter (now 24) was an extremely neat and clean child. When she hit 13, everything changed. Not only did she stop showering as often as she should have, but she also turned into a real slob. She is/was an extremely bright girl (gifted, actually). She never wore makeup...said she had "natural beauty". That was very true, but we all need good hygiene! The good news is that by the time she got out of high school she changed back to that neat, clean girl she used to be. She's a Marine Corps reservist now, in college full time, and working part time tending bar at a local sports bar.

    My youngest, on the other hand, was very messy as a child, and not real thrilled with keeping clean. Now that she's a teen (currently 15), she takes great care to keep her room (and actually the entire house) very neat and clean. She showers often and spends a lot of time on hair and makeup.

    My youngest definitely did have a self-esteem problem (too long of a story) and I think it was because of that she went hog wild with the hygiene and wanting to look good. My eldest has ALWAYS had great self-esteem.

    Furthermore, my youngest has suffered terribly from depression the last couple of years. I took her to counseling, but it had minimal good effects. I finally took her to her PCP and asked for his help. He put her on zoloft 6 weeks ago and you wouldn't believe the difference!!! She's thrilled, I'm thrilled, and the world loves her! She's came out of her shell finally and isn't afraid to talk to people.

    Some of the suggestions that others gave you sounded great. The spa night, the magazines, the makeovers! (Wow, I could use one myself!) No harm in trying these things. Might just be the ticket!

    Good luck with the teen years. They are very hard and frustrating...you never know which direction to turn. Just when you think things are going well, watch out!

  17. bluewing

    bluewing New Member

    It was a good while ago, but I'll tell you what I did. I loved her, hugged her and kissed her more. I thought of all the good things about her and bragged on her. She started blossoming. Today, she is a beautiful woman and wonderful mother. She is so much better at this job than I ever was! Love her and hug her often...and just watch!