OT: Please help me with stressful eventNEED ADVICE

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by bozey, Apr 24, 2006.

  1. bozey

    bozey New Member

    Family get togethers are getting stressful! We've never had a problem until the new DIL.

    I hope someone can give me some advice. I'm not sure what to do without really messing up the family.

    I'll try to explain without taking too long.

    We are a small family. Get togethers consist of Me, DH, Son and his 7 yr old daughter and our daughter and her 4 yr old son, our 34 yr old niece and my 62 yr old uncle.

    And then, our son got married and she has a 6 yr old boy. It's been a year now and just the past 2 get togethers, she has ruined for me. She is fine if there are no kids around. If all 3 of the kids are here, she gets bossy and thinks her kid does no wrong.

    Sample, we celebrated my birthday yesterday and she came later after she went to a wedding shower. All 3 kids were here with us and played fine til she got here.

    We girls were in the dining room when the kids came inside and the 2 older ones came in and her son shut the door before the little guy of 4 came in. My daughter said, Why did you shut the door when you knew he was coming right behind you. No answer except from DIL. He does that to me all the time. Hello!!!!! He is 4---You are 35!!!!!!!

    So I said, I just told them about that the other day and they need to wait for the little guy. I said, sometimes he can't get the door open. Then DIL says, can't he knock?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Then, my 4 yr old grandson was playing with 3 hotwheels and her 6 yr old says to him, Can I play with that truck? And 4 yr old said no. So his Mom told him then don't ever let him play with any of your toys. I had just told him that I have 80 hotwheels here, go find some to play with but he said but I want that truck!

    GGRRRRRRRRR I am so agravated at her right now. I am at wits end. She always has to try to defend her boy of 6. It's getting old.

    My daughter left because of the aggravation and also left early on Easter because of a similar situation.

    I've only thought of 2 things to do. Either celebrate in shifts, which I don't want to do, or tell DIL that when they are here, I am the boss and will correct the kids. NOT HER!!!

    We have always been a close happy family with little stress until now. We see each other almost every day or every other day. And all day on Saturdays my son and her are here because we go racing at night.

    OK, help me with some advice before I say something I will regret in the heat of the moment.

    Thanks for always being here. Sorry this is so long.

  2. jakeg

    jakeg New Member

    I would speak to dil and mention to her that while your at my house my rules apply.

    While I do understand that dil has every right to raise her child as she sees fit, while they are at your house you make the rules.

    I also think I would mention this to your son and explain to him how you feel about this and the amount of stress you feel because of it.

    It may help and it may not. I don't know your son so that is something you will have to think about. How will it effect him and the way he sees things.

    May be he is seeing the same thing and just doesn't know how to handle it, or he doesn't see it at all.

    It also sounds if though this child is seeking approval from his mother of some type, as you stated that every thing was fine until she arrived.

  3. bozey

    bozey New Member

    I think you are both right. I will tell her when the time is right.

    I think my son heard some of the conversation. He was in the den with DH and my DH said after they left that he was acting a little quiet toward the end of their stay.

    He will probably ask me about it when I see him next.

    I so appreciate your input, Thank you

  4. jakeg

    jakeg New Member

    Bumping for bozey.
  5. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    Georgia, you hit the nail on the head for me...

    Each parent should be correcting their "own" child. Step parents shouldn't be correcting their spouses child until years from now.

    As a grandmother, you should be only correcting the children when they're about to touch a precious item in your house....otherwise, their own biological parent should be there to take care of it. Hopefully, you know what I mean, there certainly are other circumstances for correcting them, but make it about house rules if possible.

    Children have such a hard time with step-parents. If they start to love them, are they disloyal to the other parent??? So many things go through their young minds...things we don't even think of.

    And yes, your DIL sounds extremely selfish....but your son chose to marry her, right???

    If I were you, I'd gently speak to him so he can learn to take care of his own family dynamics. It may also make him more aware (guys tend to have an idiot gene that we women don't) of the situation and he can keep an eye on things if he knows how much it bothers you.

    This is certainly very tricky...this is all new to so many but you want it to work out so everyone can be happy. Everyone needs to hope this can get worked out so you can have many happy family gatherings in the years to come.

    Good Luck,

    Nancy B.
  6. kriket

    kriket New Member

    My family is real close. We, for years always gather at my grandmothers house on Sunday after church for dinner. I have a sister-in-law that is very controling,outspoken,and rude. She was not this way when my brother first married her. I hate to even be around her.

    It got to where I was getting a flare from being around her. I don't even go to dinner anymore at grandma's b/c I just cannot stand to be around her. I just try to steer clear of her. I have thought this out long and hard. I should not choose to be away from my family b/c of her, but sometimes I have to.

    It's either stay away or I go into a major flare. I just try to spend time w/ my family when she's not around. My grandmother don't like her either, so she understands the situation. Usually, 9 times out of ten, when you think someone is being a witch, usually others do too. They may not admit it, but they probably feel the same.

    I had no idea that my grandma did not like her, but one day I mentioned her uncalled for behavior to her, and she said she felt the same way about her. Your situation is a little different though.

    Maybe you need to set her straight. If you don't you might end up blowing way up on her. She knows better. Anyway, thought I would share my story and feelings with you. Hope you figure out something.

  7. ilovecats94

    ilovecats94 New Member

    I read your story and I can certainly sympathize with you. I am glad I don't have any grandchildren yet.

    My one son is 25, and lives here with us and never dated, and my other son, 27, just got married this month.

    So I won't have to worry about the problems you are having, thankfully.

    I do agree with Stormyskye about you should set the rules in your home. You have too many kids there and the situations shouldn't end up so stressful to some in the family.

    I think it would be a good idea to talk to your son and his wife about your house and your rules due to so many grandchildren there at one time.

    My older son was dating a woman who had a teenager and for family events she would come here with her son and several of his friends who were not invited. I had to have a long talk with my son that the son of his girlfriend was welcomed, but his friends were not.

    This did work even though this 16 year old boy would sulk while he was here and act out. There was nothing for him to do here. My other son would not let him get on his game systems unless he was there to supervise him. Timmy was a bit on the destructive side.

    Good luck!

  8. lil_angel1198

    lil_angel1198 New Member

    very hard for a 'stepchild' to fit into an already put together family. It could be that mom is trying to help him feel better about being in a situation he's unsure of.

    While you do set the rules at your house, keep in mind he is her child. So, she really does have a final say in things involving him.

    I would see if you could talk to her alone sometime soon and explain to her that you don't like the way he is acting at your home. You need to treat him the same as you do your other grandchildren, afterall he is 'one of them' now. Tell her your rules and ask her to please help him to follow them. Make him and her feel wanted, because it's probably hard for each of them. Let her know that you want them as your family, and would appreciate her help in the matter.

    I've been on both sides of the coin, and it's not easy for either side.
    Just please be gentle and kind when aproaching her, so she won't feel the need to be guarded when you get together.

    Ask her to lunch to discuss the situation.
  9. bozey

    bozey New Member

    I should've been more clear about the step-grandson. We have accepted him as another grandchild. It's been a year and 4 months since they have been in the picture. We give him hugs when they are leaving just like our own 2 grandkids. And, he gets yelled at when it's needed too.

    At first, everything was fine. But just the last 2 gatherings that the Mom has been acting like a vulture when the kids are playing. She'll stand at the window to make sure they are playing fair with her son.

    The only reason I was saying Her son is so I wouldn't have to type longer and you all would know which boy I was talking about.

    Her boy is 6 and I've caught him several times being mean to my daughters 4 yr old son. Once saying, if you don't let me have that I won't ever play with you again.

    The fact is that any 2 of them can play together pretty good but you put a third one in there and sooner or later, the little guy always gets the shaft. That is always the way its been for generations.

    And from day one I have liked her because she doesn't expect to be waited on. If she wants something to eat, she helps herself and don't expect me to wait on her. She just fell into the family and fit. It's mostly when her son is around that she is not a fun person, downright hateful sometimes and I'm getting fed up with it. I think she doesn't realize how much younger a 4 yr old is than her 6 yr old son. Her son is tall for his age and the 4 yr old is a small guy.

    Well, hopefully I have explained this better. I do like her. Trust me, my son could've done worse. We go shopping together and to yard sales and she is very caring when I'm sick. She just goes stupid when kids are around.

    Well, Thanks for listening and thank all of you who responded. I did think this through with myself to see if maybe I was looking at it wrong but I'm not.

    Hopefully things will get better.


    [This Message was Edited on 04/25/2006]
  10. mme_curie68

    mme_curie68 New Member

    Hi -

    Your new DIL is probably insecure about her own place within your family, and hides this by being defensive about her son.

    I recommend you work on making her feel comfortable and part of your family. Kids pick up on their parent's tension very easily and can act out accordingly.

    My MIL has "her" way of doing things. I used to get upset about it at first, example - I was helping to make salad for dinner and I wasn't tearing the lettuce "right". I got really upset at first until I realized that this control is her coping mechanism for "letting go" of her son, the baby of the family.

    Get the DIL to relax and the rest of the family will follow. Lead by example.

    Madame Curie

  11. lil_angel1198

    lil_angel1198 New Member

    I am so glad to hear that the little boy and his mom are definately part of the family.

    I still suggest that you invite her to lunch and have a talk with her, ask her if there is something going on, or something that happend with the kids that makes the little boy act this way, or that makes her act this way.

    Make sure she knows you love them both, and just want to make sure that everyone can get along.
    She may not even realize she's acting this way. It's hard to tell.
  12. babycakes01

    babycakes01 New Member

    I was thinking that maybe something happened at the little boy's school. Maybe another kid or a teacher was unfair to him and she is just reacting to that. Also it is your house and your rules....but it is HER responability to enforce them and discipline her child. You don't need the added stress to cause a flare. So instead of correcting the child, correct the mother AND father. I'm sure your son is a great father but maybe try going to him when the child is acting up. Hope it works out.

  13. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    I would just simply state to DIL all that you said above.
    She will most likely get angry, but might change her attitude if she wants to be included in family functions.
    I believe in zeroing right in on the problem and confront it.

  14. Zzzsharn

    Zzzsharn New Member

    Hi Bozey!

    Here's what I see: I'm thinking that DIL is one of those helicopter Mom's.. You know, always hovering over her child. If that's the case then she's going to be defensive no matter what is said or who it is said to.. i.e. your son then to her, or from you directly.

    I don't think it has anything to do with "feeling like part of the family" If she's helping herself to stuff in your fridge... she already feels comfortable.

    The list of reasons of "why" she's like this around her son could be endless. Sure, there's a need to protect your child, we all have that. And mabye an icky divorce from his father made her even more protective.. Whatever the reasoning behind it is..she isn't doing that child any favors by over watching him.

    Finding a way of addressing the problem, so it doesn't affect your time with your family is what we need to foucs on.

    I see your side- it makes perfect sense to me. I also know the type of mom, be it in sports or cub scouts or brownies, there is always that ONE mom who feels like she needs to stand up for her kid, make sure he gets the biggest slice of cake.. that sort of thing.

    I'm not sure that there is an easy fix for her. You may need to work more on your newly aquired grandson- and have your son redirect the Mom's attention-- have HIM say, honey, let the kids work it out- lets go upstairs and get some iced tea.. and you can reach out the kids and include all of them saying.. hey everyone.. even if there is only 3- lets try and remember that this little guy is only 4.. help him out a little.. grama rewards behavior like that!

    Well, Bozey that's my 2 cents. I wish you well, blended familys are unique- each requires a different set of skills to deal with..


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