OT Things that Hallmark cards don't say

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Greenbean7, Jun 16, 2006.

  1. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

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    My tire was thumping.
    I thought it was flat

    When I looked at the tire...

    I noticed your cat.

    Sorry!


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    H eard your wife left you,
    How upset you must be.

    But don't fret about it...

    She moved in with me.



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Looking back over the years
    that we've been together,

    I can't help but wonder...

    "What was I thinking?"



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    C ongratulations on your wedding day!
    Too bad no one likes your husband.

    ! ;~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    How could two people as beautiful as you
    Have such an ugly baby?



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I've always wanted to have
    someone to hold,
    someone to love.

    After having met you ..

    I've changed my mind.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
    I never believed in Hell until I met you.



    /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
    A s the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
    That you're not here to ruin it for me.



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    C ongratulations on your promotion.
    Before you go...

    Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

    You'll probably need it again.

    ********************************************************************************

    Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

    (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

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    H appy birthday! You look great for your age

    Almost Lifelike!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    When we were together,
    you always said you'd die for me.

    Now that we've broken up,

    I think it's time you kept your promise.



    /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

    We have been friends for a very long time ..
    let's say we stop?



    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    I'm so miserable without you
    it's almost like you're here.



    =====================================================

    C ongratulations on your new bundle of joy.

    Did you ever find out who the father was?



    %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

    Your friends and I wanted to do
    something special for your birthday.

    So we're having you put to sleep.



    ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    So your daughter's a hooker,
    and it spoiled your day.

    Look at the bright side,

    it's really good pay.
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    DAY-BRIGHTENERS. Greenbean.

    Reminds me of the time Lucy said to Ethel, "Happy Birthday! And I hope you live another 75 years."

    I'm so old I remember when:

    greetings cards cost a dime;
    Humorous cards were new;
    there were no X-rated cards except ones that said things like: Hope your birthday is X-tra nice.
  3. kjfms

    kjfms Member

    Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

    (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)


    ...I resemble that remark...LOL

    My aunt is my grandmother and my son is my brother (oh I am a sick puppy)....just kidding...LOL

    You figure it out I am lost...

    Too funny,

    Karen :)
  4. mrsjethro

    mrsjethro New Member

    Thanks greenbean!!!

    The funny posts are always the first ones I look for every day. We might as well laugh and it makes my day a little easier to deal with.

    About the Uncle Dad card, that's too funny. I'm from TN and my first cousin on my dad's side married my step-brother on my mom's side, so now my first cousin is also my sister in law and my second cousins are my nephews.

    It really not as bad as it sounds though. None of us are actually inbred, we do wear shoes when we have to, and most of us have our own teeth. We may have bought them, but like someone else said, if we paid for them, they're ours, right?

    Sad isn't it??
  5. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    Ok, I'm confused!

    Have you ever heard the old song "I'm My Own Grandpa"? Wish I could remember the verses, but I can only remember the chorus.

    Hugzz
    Greenbean

    I found it!!

    I'm My Own Grandpa
    Lyrics: Dwight Latham, Moe Jaffe
    Music: Dwight Latham, Moe Jaffe

    Played by Jerry Garcia with David Grisman

    Oh, many, many years ago
    When I was twenty-three
    I was married to a widow
    Who was pretty as can be
    This widow had a grown-up daughter
    Who had hair of red
    My father fell in love with her
    And soon the two were wed

    This made my dad my son-in-law
    And changed my very life
    For my daughter was my mother
    'Cause she was my father's wife
    To complicate the matter
    Though it really brought me joy
    I soon became the father
    Of a bouncing baby boy

    This little baby then became
    A brother-in-law to Dad
    And so became my uncle
    Though it made me very sad
    For if he was my uncle
    Then that also made him brother
    Of the widow's grown-up daughter
    WHo of course is my step-mother

    Chorus
    I'm my own grandpa
    I'm my own grandpa
    It sounds funny I know
    But it really is so
    Oh, I'm my own grandpa

    My father's wife then had a son
    Who kept them on the run
    And he became my grandchild
    For he was my daughter's son
    My wife is now my mother's mother
    And it makes me blue
    Because although she is my wife
    She's my grandmother too

    Now if my wife is my grandmother
    Then I'm her grandchild
    And every time I think of it
    It nearly drives me wild
    For now I have become
    The strangest case you ever saw
    As husband of my grandma
    I am my own grandpa

    [This Message was Edited on 06/16/2006]
  6. mrsjethro

    mrsjethro New Member

    I heard it on a tv show, or a movie at some point in time. I can't remember which one it was though. It was too funny and I love it.

    I figured I'd get everybody with that one, especially with our fibro-fog and all. I had to read it 3 times after I typed it just to make sure I got it right. It's true though. It fun to watch the expression on peoples faces when you first tell them stuff like that.....
  7. julieisfree05

    julieisfree05 New Member

    This one reminds me of the old saying..


    HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY...??


    LOL!

    - julie (is free!)

    I may be changed by my circumstances, but I refuse to be reduced by them. - Maya Angelou
  8. kholmes

    kholmes New Member

    I greatly enjoyed those.

    Kholmes
  9. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    Thank you all so much,

    Nancy B
  10. kalina

    kalina New Member

    Good ones, greanbean! :-D

    Kalina
  11. butterfly8

    butterfly8 New Member

    Thank you - I needed a laugh
  12. ckball

    ckball New Member

    Those are too funny- you should go into the greating card business.

    BTW I live in Ky- My beloved aunt who past many years ago was married to Joe for about 40 years, he died then a few later later in her 70's she married his brother than became my gradmother. She lived until the ripe age of 90, my grandfather lived to be 92.

    She was the dearest lady, I have been told she is one of my angels watching over me.

    Have a great day and pet the puppies-Carla
  13. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    I enjoyed your "card" but I think you're right- they'll never be picked up by Hallmark! Terri
  14. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    ...well I have to tell you that my mother in law's mother married her step son, so my MIL's brother became her dad. And they all have doctorates too!!!(not backwoods at all)

    Love Anne Cromwell

    Someone posted here about sending a lottery ticket instead of greetings cards, I thought that was a pretty good idea.