OT..women/restrooms and purses....oh my Good laugh

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by pammy52, Aug 15, 2006.

  1. pammy52

    pammy52 New Member

    I had to post this after reading txsladys post on germs and purses.
    I am not making light of that post...but this will make most of you smile and laugh....out loud!!


    My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms.

    When I was a little girl,

    she'd take me into the stall, show me how to

    wad up toilet paper and wipe

    the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of

    toilet paper to cover the seat.

    Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a

    public toilet seat. Then

    she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted

    of balancing over the toilet

    in a sitting position without actually letting

    any of your flesh make

    contact with the toilet seat.

    That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature"

    years, "The Stance" is

    excruciatingly difficult to maintain.

    >>

    When you have to visit a public bathroom, you

    usually find a line of women,

    so you smile politely and take your place.

    Once it's your turn, you check

    for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is

    occupied. Finally, a door

    opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the

    woman leaving the stall. You

    get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't

    matter.

    >>

    The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"

    (invented by someone's Mom, no

    doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your

    purse on the door hook, if

    there were one, but there isn't - so you

    carefully but quickly drape it

    around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her

    grave if you put it on the

    FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

    >>

    In this position your aging, toneless thigh

    muscles begin to shake. You'd

    love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't

    taken time to wipe the seat or

    lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The

    Stance."

    To take your mind off your trembling thighs,

    you reach for what you discover

    to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your

    mind, you can hear your

    mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried

    to clean the seat, you would

    have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your

    thighs shake more.

    >>

    You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your

    nose on yesterday - the one

    that's still in your purse. That would have to

    do. You crumple it in the

    puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than

    your thumbnail.

    >>

    Someone pushes open your stall door because the

    latch doesn't work. The door

    hits your purse, which is hanging around your

    neck in front of your chest,

    and you and your purse topple backward against

    the tank of the toilet.

    "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the

    door, dropping your precious,

    tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor,

    lose your footing

    altogether, and slide down directly onto the

    TOILET SEAT. It is wet of

    course.

    >>

    You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too

    late. Your bare bottom has

    made contact with every imaginable germ and

    life form on the uncovered seat

    because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not

    that there was any, even if

    you had taken time to try.

    >>

    You know that your mother would be utterly

    appalled if she knew, because,

    you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a

    public toilet seat because,

    frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind

    of diseases you could get."

    >> By this time, the automatic sensor on the back

    of the toilet is so confused

    that it flushes, propelling a stream of water

    like a firehose that somehow

    sucks everything down with such force that you

    grab onto the toilet paper

    dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At

    that point, you give up.

    >

    You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet

    toilet seat. You're

    exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper

    you found in your pocket and

    then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

    You can't figure out how to

    operate the faucets with the automatic sensors,

    so you wipe your hands with

    spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the

    line of women, still waiting.

    You are no longer able to smile politely them.

    >>

    A kind soul at the very end of the line points

    out a piece of toilet paper

    trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when

    you NEEDED it??) You yank the

    paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand

    and tell her warmly, "Here,

    you just might need this."

    >>

    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long

    since entered, used and left

    the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What

    took you so long, and why is

    your purse hanging around your neck?"

    >>

    . . This is dedicated to women everywhere who

    deal with a public restroom

    (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It

    finally explains to the men what

    really does take us so long. It also answers

    their other commonly asked

    question about why women go to the restroom in

    pairs. It's so the other gal

    can hold the door, hang onto your purse and

    hand you Kleenex under the door.





  2. IowanMom

    IowanMom New Member

    Thanks for the smile!

    That story is SO TRUE!

  3. atiledsner

    atiledsner New Member

    My husband and I were on a trucking trip. I was dying to pee.He finally pulled into a parking lot that was big enough to park the truck.

    I had to scramble down the steps to the ground with a thud.

    I ran into this ladies bathroom,The store was really busy and full of people, I was suprised the bathroom was not occupied.


    I swung open the door and ran in, and of course the latch wouldn't work. I had to go baaaadddddd!I sat down on the seat,and just as soon as I started relieveing my discomfort....there was a screaking coming from the door.

    It began to open,then began to open all the way. I could see the entrance door to the bath room clearly. All someone had to do was open that door and I would be completely exposed.

    I couldn't do anything but pee and pee in a hurry!!!!!!!!
    I couldn't reach the stall door,or hold it with my foot,or anything else.

    To my relief no one came in.My husband had a hoot over my story.
  4. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I absolutely loved this!!!!!!!!!!!!

    My mother was exactly like the mother in this story!!!!

    Whoever wrote this did an excellent job!!!!!
  5. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I'm still roflmao.....and I can't seem to stop!!!

    I haven't laughed that hard in months, thanks!!!!!!

    Hugs,

    Nancy B.
  6. pammy52

    pammy52 New Member

    So glad you could relate and laugh.

    I was sent this at work and thankfully no one was around when I read it because I laughed until I was crying.

    I sent it on to some of my coworkers and could tell when they were reading it because of the loud laughter.

    Pammy
  7. pammy52

    pammy52 New Member

  8. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Thankyou so much for the lollollol!!............................Hugs!!......Sydney
  9. ckball

    ckball New Member

    Thanks- now I have go change my underwear!!! Laughed so hard I peed myself, Best laugh I have had in a long time. Carla
  10. pammy52

    pammy52 New Member

    knowing that this has brought laughter to so many.

    Nothing funnier then that we can relate to ourselves.

    One of my all time embarrassing moments involving a restroom was when I was a teen.

    Ran into a rest room in a store and plunked myself down only to realize a repair man was on a ladder in the next stall fixing a vent in the ceiling.

    I never noticed the closed sign on the door.

    Oooops!!
  11. jake123

    jake123 New Member

    I mostly shop at stores that have good bathrooms. Target, Dillards, Ulta. Anybody have any more?
  12. Trena

    Trena New Member

    How I can identify with that!
    Another thing that has happened to me twice was that I lined the seat with toilet tissue and then when I stood up, unbeknowst to me a piece caught in my slacks. I washed my hands and went out and wondered why everyone was laughing and seemed to be looking at me. Then when I caught up with my husband, he told me a white flag was waving in the air behind me!