Overheard hubby tell son to marry someone who can work 40 hours

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Cakedec, Jul 22, 2006.

  1. Cakedec

    Cakedec New Member

    and doesn't have back problems (not like me, of course). They were outside the garage washing cars and I happened to come to the door where they were talking and heard them. I walked right out with them and didn't pretend that I didn't hear them, just joined right in. He just kept going right on about how it should be someone with a college degree, (which neither of us have), etc. if you want to survive financially, etc. Our son is 26 and has no one in mind. I said to him, yes, you can wait to find just the perfect person, but the perfect person may never come.

    It really hurt my feelings a lot, as I have not been able to work for 1 1/2 years with the FMS and scoliosis pain, and now am scheduled to go in for scoliosis surgery, as I have a severe double curve which makes it impossible to sit or stand comfortably long enough to work. We are not making it financially and will probably have to sell our house and move into a trailer or cheaper housing soon if I am not able to go back to work after recovering from the surgery. We still have a high schooler and a college age child living with us. I know that he is frustrated and airing his feelings, but i COULD also tell my daughter not to marry someone dyslexic without a college education who has absolutely no ambition but to work in a factory if I went the same route as him.

    Please pray for me to forgive him. There is no use getting into this with him. It always ends up with him telling me I am just too sensitive and need to be able to let things go, etc.

    Deb
  2. TXFMmom

    TXFMmom New Member

    I made a mistake in my marriage and should have annulled the thing the night of the wedding. IT IS A LONG STORY, BUT THE FEW FRIENDS AND MY THERAPIST WHOM I SHARED THE STORY WITH HAVE ALL SAID, I DARNED WELL SHOULD HAVE. IN fact, I phoned my mother the next morning and asked her to come and get me, that I had made a terrible blunder. She thought I meant sex AND SEX HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

    I worked 32 hours a week, to put myself through RN school, starting ten days after our marriage. He had a very menial job, and went out and bought a new care two weeks before our marriage, BECAUSE HIS MOTHER SAID IT WAS OKAY. HE DID NOT ASK OR SHARE ANY OF THIS WITH ME? I should have told him to marry his mother.

    Little stupid me. It meant I had to work WAY MORE THAN I HAD PLANNED. Then, he and his mother expected me to FIX HIM A FULL BREAKFAST EVERY MORNING, WHICH I DID FOR THREE WEEKS, AND HE GOT OUT OF BED AND ATE IT EXACTLY TWICE. THAT DESPITE THE FACT THAT I HAD ARISEN THE MORNING BEFORE ONE HOUR BEFORE HIM, DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE HAD BEEN IN BED FOUR HOURS BEFORE I HAD BEEN. I had rushed from school, changed into my waitress uniform, ran six blocks to work, put in six hard hours of work, and returned home, and had to be wifey for an hour and a half before he would go to bed and let me STUDY.

    I quit preparing his breakfast, and selecting his socks, and laying out his clothes, as well. Finally about three months later, he told his mother I DIND'T FIX HIM A BREAKFAST ANYMORE AND SHE LAMBASTED ME - IT WAS A WIFE'S DUTY, BLAH, BLAH. I TOLD HER SHE HAD NEVER, EVER WORKED OUTSIDE THE HOME, THAT HER LITTLE POWDER PUFF WOULDN'T GET UP TO EAT THE BREAKFASTS, AND THAT I HAD MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE IN MY LIFE WHEN I HAD MARRIED INTO A BUNCH OF COUNTRY BUMPKINS, AND LEFT THE SCENE IN HIS WONDERFUL NEW CAR.

    I almost divorced him then, believe me, although he came the closest he has ever come in 35 years of saying he was sorry. YOU KNOW, THAT IS PATHOLOGICAL.

    I worked those long hours, and this man would not put a pot pie in the oven for himself. I would come home and find him having had a nice, long bath, naked on the sofa, HUNGRY BECAUSE THE MORON WOULD NOT PREPARE HIMSELF A SANDWICH OR A POT PIE, OR EVEN SOME CEREAL. MOST OF THE TIME, I HADN'T HAD ANYTHING TO EAT BECAUSE OF SCHOOL, AND WORK, AND I HAD TO FIX US SOMETHING TO EAT.

    He never, ever washed a pair of socks, I had to use the one day a week I had off, to do that, with my Mom's help, GOD BLESS HER, SHE IS A SAINT.

    I graduated number one in my class, worked for two years, started Anesthesia School, and HE GOT LAID OFF TWO MONTHS LATER. IT WAS TIGHT. TAKE A PART-TIME JOB TILL SOMETHING CAME IN, NO WAY, BENEATH HIM. A FRIEND GOT HIM AN APPRENTICESHIP, AND HE DID AN EXCELLENT JOB, BUT LITTLE HELP WITH ANYTHING AT HOME ENSUED.

    Then, I graduated and we started trying to have a baby. I had ovulation problems, and it was nearly impossible to do a basal chart when you worked twenty four hours straight every three days, so my doc said he would give me Clomid. He had to have a sperm count on him first. NO CAN DO - NO WAY, UH UH, NO. HE WOULDN'T. THE DOCTOR CALLED HIM - NO, HE WOULDN'T. THE DOC WAS SO MAD, HE SAID HAVE A BABY BY ANYONE BUT THAT MAN.

    I conceived the second month, at the hospital, as that was where I ovulated, but with the reject.

    I had saved all this money to stay home for three months and nurse my baby. Was very, very sick during the end of the pregnancy, had SEVERE PRE-ECLAMPSIA AND A C-SECTION. Got the doc to let me go two days early, BUT HE TOLD ME AND MY HUSBAND, NO LIFTING, NO COOKING, NO NOTHING, MUST HAVE SOMEONE TO STAY WITH ME FOR A WEEK BECAUSE OF CHANCES OF SEIZURES WHICH COULD STILL HAPPEN, AND TAKE CARE OF BABY. HE TOLD THE DOC HIS MOTHER WOULD STAY. GOT HOME TO DISCOVER HE HADN'T EVEN ASKED HER AND DIDN'T INTEND TO. AT THAT MOMENT, I COULD HAVE PUT A KNIFE THROUGH HIS HEART.

    The witch did show up at 10 a.m. the next morning, with him fifteen minutes behind her, as there had been an accident on his job, and the job was closed for the rest of the day. They took off to shop, and didn't prepare lunch, or a snack for me, and came back and asked what I was planning to make for dinner. I SCREAMED AT BOTH OF THEM, SHUT THE DOOR AND HE SLEPT ON THE SOFA. I had a can of soup, I prepared myself, BECAUSE THEY WENT TO DINNER OUT AND DIDN'T BRING ANYTHING BACK.

    I knew then I should give him the heave ho, but didn't. His UNION WENT ON STRIKE, GOD BLESS THEM, THREE WEEKS AFTER I DELIVERED. THERE WENT MY SAVINGS. THE HOSPITAL WAS CALLING EVERY DAY BEGGING ME TO COME BACK, AFTER HAVING HAD MAJOR SURGERY. I WENT BACK, AFTER TELLING THEM I WAS TAKING SEVEN WEEKS, PERIOD. HE WENT BACK TO WORK THE DAY I DID.

    THAT MAN NEVER, EVER, GOT UP ONE TIME IN THE NIGHT TO FEED THAT BABY, ALTHOUGH HE SWORE HE WOULD. THE BABY WOULD SCREAM AND SCREAM AND WOULD BE SO UPSET BY THE TIME I GAVE UP, IT WAS HARD TO GET HIM TO EAT. HE WOULD NOT CHANGE DIRTY DIAPERS. I WENT SHOPPING AND RETURNED TO FIND A VERY OLD, DIRTY DIAPER ON THE BABY, AND I TOLD HIM THAT IF I EVER SAW THAT AGAIN, THE BABY WASN'T GOING TO BE AROUND FOR HIM TO EVER ABUSE, AND HE TOOK THAT AS THE TRUTH.

    At any rate, I was the one who worked extra when we needed money, KEPT A SPOTLESS HOME, DID ALL THE LAUNDRY, COOKED, DID THE BILLS, DID ALL THE SHOPPING, ETC.

    I finally forced him to go to college to get a degree, which he did, NEVER WORKING A DAY DURING THAT TIME, I MIGHT ADD.

    Yada, Yada, Yada. The same continued for years.

    Then, I was injured in an automobile accident, both legs in cast, on bedrest, had my son's sitter come with me, had someone clean the house, the sitter started dinner, and did the laundry. One night, he was going to take my son to baseball practice, and he left me helpless in that bed, with me begging him to turn on the TV, put the wheelchair up against the bed, as he would not permit it to be there all the time, and ran out of the house with me there, no TV, no phone I could reach, no lights on, and did not return until three hours later, with me in the dark, no TV, no wheelchair via which I would have been able to get out of the house, if it caught fire, and no phone reachable.

    He couldn't understand why I was upset. He and the son had stopped for ice cream, THEY DESERVED SOME REST, NO ICE CREAM FOR ME. I HAVE HATED HIM, DEEP DOWN, EVER SINCE.

    My FM started with those injuries, frankly. I struggled for a long, long time, still had to do the housework, the bills, make the money, do that laundry, and the cooking, all the sports activities.

    Finally, I fell, and injured my spine. I stepped into the shower, and that is the last thing I remember, awakened, twisted in the shower, stunned, unable to move or get up. I cried for help for a long time before my son finally answered, walked into the bathroom, I told him I needed help, he walked out, cried out to his father that Mom needed help, and he didn't come for twenty more minutes!!!!!!!!! The water was freezing cold. Then, he looked at me, and said, YOU'RE going to be late, you better get up."

    I had blown four discs in my back, my shoulder, reinjured the neck which was really injured in the automobile accident, and the fibro took off like you cannot believe.

    I had to fight for my disability from my hospital and SS, and he was ANGRY. HIS STYLE WAS CRAMPED. HE HAD TO START HELPING.

    MInd you, he had his off-road motorcycles, on road Harley's, fishing boats, and all these Nascar outings, ON MY MONEY, AND STILL LIVES A MUCH BETTER LIFESTYLE BECAUSE OF MY DISABILITY INCOME than he ever would had he not married me.

    I have give up, because I am unable to walk around the house, really, and he moved to another bedroom, because of my restless leg (HORRAY), does his laundry now, but WON'T TOUCH MINE, HE SEPARATES THE TOWELS, AND WON'T WASH THE ONES I USE, AND I JUST AM NOT ABLE TO COOK MUCH AT ALL.

    He bitches at me non-stop.

    I AM WAITING TO SEE IF I CAN GET AN OPERATION I NEED THROUGH BEFORE THE END OF THE MONTH, AS THE INSURANCE WAS STALLING, AND WE FINALLY FOUND OUT WHY, THEY ARE CHANGING COMPANIES AT THE END OF THE MONTH, AND THE NEW ONE WILL NOT COVER THE PROCEDURE. IF IT DOESN'T GO THROUGH, I AM GONE, GONE, GONE.

    Back to my mother who loves me WITH MY DOG THAT HE MISTREATS, ALONG WITH THE CHECKBOOK, THE MONEY WHICH IS MINE THEN DIRECTED TO NEW ACCOUNTS, AND A LEGAL SEPARATION, WHICH I SHALL ARRANGE OUT OF STATE, SINCE WE ARE IN A NO SEPARATIN STAE, IF HE WANTS TO KEEP HIS BOAT, MOTORCYCLES, FANCY TRUCKS, AND HOUSE. IF HE FIGHTS, THEN I'LL FORCE THE SALE OF IT ALL, AND HE WILL HAVE TO LIVE ON HIS INCOME FOR ONCE.

    I am really looking forward to just having a nurse, a real one, when I need help, and NOT HAVING TO BE AROUND HIM.

    He cannot drop my health insurance, the feds won't allow it, and I have Medicare, anyway, so if he gives me any trouble, I AM GOING TO PAY HIM BACK FOR EVERY FOUL, DISRESPECTFUL, DISGUSTING, HEARTLESS THING HE HAS EVER DONE.

    PLEASE EXCUSE ME FOR BEING SO BLUNT AND SO LONG.
  3. SweetT

    SweetT New Member

    Where a woman wasn't expected to work outside of the home. I just can't stand men who expect us to work 40+ hours outside of the home and still have energy to cook and clean. If both people work outside of the home, they should share the cooking, cleaning, and shopping. The sad part is that alot of men are actually good cooks, if they'd get off of their rear to do it.
  4. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    Aw, sure, you could pepetuate this hurt but to what gain? It would just cause you more stress, make your daughter uncomfortable and probably hurt your husband. Is that your goal? We do tend to be overly sensitive and while it may be understandable, it is something we can control.

    The fact is that right now in this country most often people with a college education or higher schooling do get the higher paying jobs. Hopefully this country will reassess this situation to give more credibility for vocational training since not everyone can go to college but for now that's not the way it is.

    I'm sure your husband is very aware of his own educational limitations so I don't think you need to remind him. Your profile sounds like you have a positive can-do attitude in spite of the FM. Why not be the bigger person here and take the pressure off yourself at the same time?

    Marta

  5. SusanEU

    SusanEU New Member

    the real men who were proud to be able to take care of their wives?

    And the vow through sickness and in health. We should be taking care of each other not bitching about what the other one can't do.

    Sue in Ontario
  6. lenasvn

    lenasvn New Member

    It was passive agressive abusive talk. You do not want to accept that stuff in front of your children= telling them it's ok to treat you that way, telling them physical illness is weakness.

    Someone said you would be hurting your husband if you bring it up, I'll say you hurt yourself and everyone else by "taking it". He is not hurt! Don't let him think this attitude is ok! We're raising the men of the tomorrow- how do we want them to be as fathers and men in their families?

    I'm sorry you can't talk to your husband and have to stuff it up. He is obviously in control. I couldn't pray that you will be able to forgive him= stuff it up/ take this plus more. I'll pray that you will have strength and wisdom.
  7. Cakedec

    Cakedec New Member

    It really helped me to sort through this by reading your responses and to see the different viewpoints. At bedtime last night, I told him that his statements were mean and hurt me and of course, got the usual, you're too sensitive; I just meant that it is hard to see someone go through so much back pain, etc. I got upset and started telling him to just leave and find some moneybag woman who can support him. He said that he wouldn't talk to me when I was like that.

    Of course, I did not sleep well all night, then came out and read the rest of the responses on here. I went back in and asked him how it would make him feel if he had overheard me tell my daughter not to marry someone like him w/o college degree, ambition, dyslexic, etc. He just told me that I was making way too much of it, anyways. I told him that I could tell from what he said to my son that his highest priority in a wife was that she produced income and why did he marry me, anyways, of course, crying. Then he apologized and said that he loved me and to chalk it up to his being an idiot.

    I decided that was the best it was going to be, so accepted his apology. Of course, he is still a shallow, selfish idiot but I love him and keeping my family together is my highest priority.

    Thanks again for your stories, opinions, and responses.

    Deb

  8. Empower

    Empower New Member

    I am sorry he was so insensitive

    I too have FMS and scoliosis and every day is a struggle.

    People think that because we don't work, we are at home having fun

    Let me tell you that what we are going through daily is FAR FROM FUN!
  9. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I married into a country family where none of the women worked. In fact, none of the neighbors' wives worked either. I was the only one.

    I didn't care. I WANTED to work. I always wanted to be an independent person that was able to take care of myself, and my children, if needed.

    I was lucky that I married a man who not only had an education, but a lot of ambition and drive, and soon came to realize that OUR home would never be like what he grew up in!!

    I have never fixed breakfast for him, because I got up hours before him to get ready for work. He was the one who got the 3 kids up for school, dressed them, combed the long hair and put ponytails in the girls' hair, fed and changed the baby before the sitter arrived, fixed their breakfast, and got them on the school bus. When I stayed home sick or on vacation, he would tell me to enjoy my coffee and stay out of the way because "they--he and the kids--had their own routine" in the morning and I would mess things up!!! LOL

    Even after retiring, I still don't fix breakfast! Why start now!!!! LOL I sleep in and he gets up and gets ready for work and leaves--just like I did when I worked--he didn't fix breakfast for me--just himself and the kids. He will gripe every now and then about me not doing it--but it doesn't fase me a bit!

    I did all the work at night without help.

    But ... he's not taken all my money like TXfmmom's husband and spent on nonsense and big boy toys. Thank Goodness! He has spent his money on raising his family and making us a good home, together with my money, of course. He has also college educated three children who are all well married now.

    We have our tiffs, but nothing like yours, Deb, and TXfmmom's!!! What I liked, and still like, is .... if I don't like what's going on, I am financially stable enough on my own that I can always walk away and take care of myself. My goal since day #1.