PARENTAL UNIT Job Description

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by victoria, Feb 23, 2009.

  1. victoria

    victoria New Member

    This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
    Would any of us have chosen it???!!!!

    PARENTAL UNIT Job Description

    Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Ima
    Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop, Abba


    -Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

    -Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-48 hour shifts on call.

    -Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

    -Travel expenses not reimbursed.

    -Extensive courier duties also required.


    These will always be relevant for the rest of your life, since the responsibilities will automatically be extended to any grandchildren, as well as retroactive to any adult children depending on the situation:

    -Must be willing and able to immediately be able to operate on little to no sleep and, at the same time, also be able to make sound rational decisions. Required to also at times disregard one's own personal or physical condition

    -Assumption of this job will require no expectation of thanks

    -Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, and not take it personally.

    -Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

    -Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat just in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying 'wolf'.

    -Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, stuck zippers.

    -Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects for many years.

    -Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

    -Must be willing to be considered indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next, without warning.

    -Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

    -Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

    -Must assume final and complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

    -Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility


    Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining or expectation of appreciation, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.


    None required (unfortunately) and you take the job entirely at your own risk despite no experience. You will get instant on-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.


    Get this! You pay them! and will be offering frequent raises and bonuses.

    Yearly balloon payments may be due for an unspecified period of time when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college or any other further training will help them become financially independent.

    When you die, you give them whatever is left. (The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more...)


    NO health or dental insurance
    NO pension
    NO tuition reimbursement
    NO paid holidays
    NO stock options

    However, this job supplies limitless opportunities for:
    personal growth,
    unconditional love,
    unguaranteed free hugs and kisses for life


    Forward this on to all the parents you know, including your own, in appreciation for everything they do/have done on a daily basis, for taking the job on... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

  2. PainPainGoAway

    PainPainGoAway New Member

    -Must be willing to be considered indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next, without warning. that right!

    This was hilarious!
  3. victoria

    victoria New Member

    along the same lines... teachers should be included:

    The Cowboy Boots

    (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this.)

    Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

    He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

    She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

    She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

    He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

    She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

    No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

    Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

    Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

    He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

  4. sisland

    sisland New Member

    wonderful post Victoria!,,,and oh' so true! all of it!,,,Thanks!,,,sis
  5. mezombie

    mezombie Member

    As someone who has not been able (due to debilitating illness) to have a social life until fairly recently, I'm constantly amazed at how marginalized women without children are. The following article sums up my feelings on the subject fairly well.


    Childless: Some by Chance, Some by Choice
    I Lost a Baby -- and Found A Community of Women Who Won't Be Mothers

    By Nancy Rome
    Special to The Washington Post
    Tuesday, November 28, 2006; Page HE01

    "No, no, sorry. I don't have any . . ."

    Why does this always seem to be the first thing I'm asked? It takes my breath away, yet why do I feel the need to apologize for my reply? Looking vague and embarrassed, my questioner glances over my shoulder for someone else to talk to: someone with whom he or she has more in common, someone with children.

    I never thought I'd be childless. Thirteen years ago, my husband and I were expecting our first child. I was a healthy 37-year-old when I went into labor one chilly November morning. We raced to the hospital, the atmosphere between us full of anticipation and anxiety.

    The delivery was normal; almost everything was normal. Except that our daughter was dead.

    I began groping for ways to create the ordinary out of what felt to me extraordinary. A tiny percentage of births are stillbirths, I told my husband. Nothing's certain, but it is widely accepted that the death of a child can put huge strain on a marriage, I discovered. Three years later my husband and I were divorced.

    I then became aware of some striking statistics. According to 2004 U.S. Census Bureau data, the proportion of childless women 15 to 44 years old was 44.6 percent, up from 35 percent in 1976. The higher a woman's income, I learned from another study, the less likely she is to have children: Nearly half of women with annual incomes over $100,000 are childless.

    I chose not to seek medical help or look for a sperm donor. Nor have I made myself a mother through adoption. Instead, I've come to see myself as part of a growing phenomenon -- one to which people often don't know how to respond.

    Those of us who are not mothers do not fit into any of society's convenient boxes: We're not slaves to carpools or homework. At the same time, we are not necessarily obsessed about our careers or even ourselves; nor are we anti-family. Our days are simply lived according to a different rhythm: Children don't tug at my clothes and beg for attention; I don't leave my cellphone on during films or dinner parties in case the babysitter needs me; I travel; I read books -- lots of them -- as well as the newspaper.

    I am also a filmmaker, and a few years ago I began to work on a documentary about childless women -- not only those of us who have lost or can't have children, but the growing number who don't want to have them. Their reasons vary. In the most devastated areas of Baltimore, I found women who told me they had chosen to be childless because there were simply too many children in their families or neighborhoods who needed looking after. An immigration lawyer told me she had done motherhood when she was a teenager, helping her mother with her younger sibling. Many reflected the attitudes of an academic who told me that her decision to remain childless made her feel like "an outlaw."

    Some of the most telling comments come from the women I first talked with -- three friends, all like me now in their 50s. Dyann, a lawyer from Boston, recalls a moment at her local pizza joint when the owner asked how many of the children she came in with were hers. "None of them; I chose not to have kids," she said. "That's okay," she remembers him replying. "You still have time; maybe you'll change your mind."

    Having grown up as an oldest child, Dyann felt she should be free to choose a career instead of motherhood. With a wry smile, she told me: "Just because I've chosen not to have children, doesn't mean I'm some sort of W.C. Fields character who hates kids, doesn't have patience for them."

    The other point Dyann makes to me is that, in her view, raising children is "a job, which calls on the depths of your soul to give to another person. And because I respect that, I didn't want to call forth a life and raise a child when I wasn't 110 percent passionately committed to the idea."

    Just as some women talk of a visceral urge that propels them to have children, others speak of an equally visceral urge that propels them not to. Laurie, a transplanted southerner who teaches history in New York, began to realize at an early age that she didn't want children, as she watched wealthy mothers in Richmond hire other women to care for their children. "These people compelled to have trophy babies in certain socioeconomic echelons don't want to face the realities of raising a child." She is now infuriated by what she calls "that Mother Right" -- the assumption that everyone will make way for a woman with a stroller or a child in tow. She goes on to challenge me: "If we believe that this is the hardest thing that anyone can do, then why should it be assumed we should all be doing it?"

    This has been a more painful journey for my friend Lori from Tennessee, who, though quick to find humor in things, was devastated by a miscarriage. Her husband, who had two children from a previous marriage, was reluctant to try again. She's irritated by the signs in parking lots reserving spaces for parents with children: "I park in those spots sometimes just out of sheer defiance -- I'm a peri-menopausal woman under stress -- and I need a sign!" Lori argues that "if you don't have children you've . . . thrown a brick in your path that you're going to spend your entire life trying to crawl over. It would have been a lot easier having had children."

    Make generalizations, though, and I've learned that I'll be surprised. I spent a recent morning at one of the food markets in downtown Baltimore, talking with women who worked there. Many were black; many said all their friends had children. Then I met Rochelle, who said, "I know a lot of women who don't have kids and don't want any -- married, not married, working, not working. And they don't feel like they're missing out at all."

    But almost all the women I've talked with describe feeling acutely aware of what they see as our national obsession with motherhood: "The Bump Watch" hounding Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Lopez; "Celebrity Babies" like the elusive Suri Cruise; and "The Ultimate Hollywood Accessory: A New Baby," popularized by Brangelina. Some use the term "child-free" to differentiate those who choose not to have children from those who had been unable to have them.

    It's hard to find accurate data on the percentage of women who choose to be childless, but the National Center for Health Statistics confirms that 6.6 percent of women in 1995 declared themselves voluntarily childless, up from 2.4 percent in 1982. These days, at least in industrialized countries, we no longer need to "go forth and multiply" to provide children to work our farms. Although the United States has the highest birthrate in the developed world, it hovers around the natural population replacement level of 2.1 births per woman.

    In the end, everyone turns the questions back on me. When I'm asked what happened after that November day in 1993, I say that we named our daughter Frances -- after my mother -- and that she is buried at a church near where we were in graduate school. I tell them I take tiny white roses and rosemary to her grave when I can.

    I also tell them that I love my friends' children and my nieces and nephews and spend as much time with them as I can. Family gatherings become more bearable every year, and Christmas will be easier than it used to be. And these days, I can almost bring myself to hold an infant. So my life is hardly childless. ยท

    Nancy Rome is a freelance documentary filmmaker who lives in Baltimore.

  6. victoria

    victoria New Member

    My own children are choosing not to have children, as have some of my friends (many of whom are now well into their 50s, and younger), while others have not been able to for one reason or another.

    I do understand the expectations society places on couples... have run into that myself in other ways. 'Society' often causes a lot of emotional hardship at times.

    But, my daughter actually sent me this (I think as a round-about 'thank you') ... so not sure what to say, just thought it was funny and a way to laugh at the difficulties that can occur, true of most every path in life...

    so IMHO it is difficult no matter what path is chosen or 'Life' chooses for us. Again, no offense or any other message meant.

    all the best,

  7. Bruin63

    Bruin63 Member

    I thought that was very Funny, and I sent it to my Son whose BD was yesterday.

    He has always called me that, Perntal Unit, so I figured he'd get a kick out of it.

    I'm sorry someone took offense, to the post, I know you would never hurt anyone on purpose.
    We have both been here long enough to know, that sometimes people take things the wrong way.

    I should say, also that my Son and his Wife, will probably not have any kids themselves.
    His Uncle and his wife, chose not to, and that was back in the late 60's.
    I know how hard a choice that was, but for them it was the right one.

    Also, I fall into the Gray zone, as even tho I had my son, I couldn't have anymore, due to pre-cancer and a Utheris being removed.
    I so wanted a Daughter, but that was the roll of the dice.

    I found a lot of pleasure in my Newphews and Niece's, I thaught Sunday School , and got recevied so much Love from them, that it kind of took the sting out of not having any more children.

    My current Dh, of 28yrs, knew when he married me, that we would not be having children due to my previous health problems.
    So he made the Choice of not having a "Son" to carry on the name.
    I often wonder if he regrets that, but we are use to the way we live now.

    There is so much hurt in the world, so many children looking for a Safe Home, that it makes sense to adopt, instead of bringing a New life into the world.

    I hate that the World can make people feel, like there is something wrong, if a couple decides not to have Kids.
    It's not Being Selfish, I know, I was called that many a times,
    so in a way, I can see Both sides of the situation.

    Victoria, your one of the Nicest people that I know here,
    stay well, and again I got a huge Kick out of that {Trueism sp?)

  8. mezombie

    mezombie Member

    Oh dear! It really is funny post!

    I'm afraid I just saw this and all the pent-up frustration at being marginalized for being

    1. Chronically ill and debilitated (housebound) for close to 20 years

    2. Unmarried (because I chose to pursue a career and thought I had plenty of time to settle down; then I came down with this DD)

    3. Childless

    came out.

    This really isn't the proper place or time for me to vent.

    My apogies for doing so on this thread. I've always appreciated your presence here and find your posts enlightening and funny.

  9. victoria

    victoria New Member

    Don't worry about it... we all have our times, I know firsthand myself...

    all the best,

    (and gee, you 2, thanks for the compliments, made my day, if that helps!)