There's a place inside me that has already shut down. I dont know if this is from depression or from having had to deal with too much alone for too long. I dont know if its depression or its a result of going to doctors with the same menu of illnesses and finding disinterested docs more worried about insurance coverage. This year was nothing but endings, losses. We say every end is a new beginning, I'm still looking for the door out of the last difficult chapter. I'm writing this because I know someone will read this and see themselves also. I know because I read the flurry of posts and threads documenting questions on every ache, pain, mental and physical. I feel like I've already died. I realized what I've wanted to hear in the last 6 months is for one doctor to confirm what I already feel. I've been waiting for a terminal diagnosis of anything so the pain I have will have a deadline, an end. While I've been going thru the motions of working and doc appointments, its been on auto pilot. I have very little idea what's going at my office and could care less. The reality is I feel like I'm just waiting things out. I'm not ready willing or able to do the 'right' and selfless thing and go get involved with someone else's suffering so my own seems less. Grief, loss has overwhelmed me with paralysis. STillness avoids pain, further grief. Its an exhaustion from life that I find difficult to write or describe...I think unless I can change inside me or my living situation and stressess, and I dont know that I can, that all the meds, the vitamins, docs etc. will not solve the core problems of emotional and financial poverty that allowed FM to develop in me.