Partner causing stress

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Aberlaine, Oct 17, 2005.

  1. Aberlaine

    Aberlaine Member

    I know this topic has come up before, but I'd like to ask it again. What if you have a partner/spouse who just doesn't get the fact that you're sick?

    My partner has a temper which can go off at the strangest times. I feel that I have to walk on eggshells in order to keep our atmosphere stress-free, which is causing me stress.Most of the time, we just avoid the "sensitive" topics: religion, politics, my DIL.

    He's ten years older than I am, is not in great medical shape. We've been living together for the past three years - we met before I was diagnosed with FM. This is my third relationship (two marriages: one divorce, one death) and my last.

    This is my house, so I could send him packing, but I don't want to do that. We really care for each other, but when he's acting irrational, it just sends me into a flare.

    Advice?
  2. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Aberlaine:
    Since it is your house if he doesn't get to understand this illness soon: I would kick him to the curb.
    Hugs,
    NyroFan
  3. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Aberlaine:
    Since it is your house if he doesn't get to understand this illness soon: I would kick him to the curb.
    Hugs,
    NyroFan
  4. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    board, give him all the info you can find..including the letters to family and "normals" and ask him to go to the doctor with you. If he won't, I agree to send him packing. They don't get better with age and if he isn't willing to educate himself about it he will end up making you worse. I know of what I speak. I've got one who knows, understands and still can be a real jerk at times. He's not well either so I over look a lot, but at my age and at my advanced stage of the FM and my other problems he's skating on thin ice.
  5. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Since you are not married, and it is your house, I would think really hard about staying with someone that "has a temper which can go off at the strangest times" and where you "feel like you have to walk on eggshells in order to keep your atmosphere stress-free". That is NO WAY to live.

    Does he try to maintain his health problems--take care of himself well?

    It DOES NOT MATTER that this is your third relationship, and it doesn't have to be your last!!!! If living with someone that has anger management problems is causing you so much stress and being uncomfortable every minute not knowing how he is going to respond .... then sometimes it is better to live alone.

    My husband does not understand my illness and does not help me out much; however, in our marriage vows it included "in sickness and in health" and "for better or worse" so I overlook it because he also works to jobs; however, he does NOT HAVE any anger management problems, he is NOT irrational--ever, he is kind-hearted, soft spoken, and a hard worker, he just does not realize the extent of my pain. I can freely say what I want without any fear on how he will react. Much different than your relationship with your live-in.

    I'm sorry, but I could not, personally, put up with a man like you describe. I would have to send him packing, for my own sanity.

    Hope you can come up with a working solution,
    Janet
  6. Aberlaine

    Aberlaine Member

    I think <u>hangininthere</u> came closest to what's going on. My partner has diabetes and blood sugar problems which the doctor is trying to control with three different kinds of medications. He's gain about 50 pounds in the past year and is trying to lose some of that weight now. The stress of having to live on fewer calories might be making him frustrated.

    He also takes Cymbalta for depression. Previous to that, he'd been on Paxil and it was doing no good. His ourbursts were terrible. The Cymbalta has helped him considerably.

    I finally went back into the room and lambasted him for what he had said (about my adult children). I've never done that before and I think it caught him off guard. Maybe he now has a new respect for me.
  7. JPach007

    JPach007 New Member

    Hi,
    I know how you feel. My husband stresses me out and has me walking on eggshells too. He drills me with 20 questions, always accuses me of cheating on him (and I havent), yells and talks fast and uses alot of hand movement when hes mad and that gets my..Fight or flight going. I find myself trying to get alot of stuff done before he gets home so he will believe I wasnt off with my lover or something. I know its a terrible feeling. I have asked him to please talk to my Dr's, read one of many books I have on Fibro, etc. etc. I think it is finally sinking in...He says he read a book, and brought me an article the other day on a drug they are testing for Fibro pain.
    Just keep "nagging him" (since we women are supposed to be so good at that!), and hopefully he will come around.
  8. springrose22

    springrose22 New Member

    As Dr. Phil would say, "What are you thinking?" LOL A partner is supposed to be supportive and loving, you shouldn't have to walk on egg shells. I know what that's like, had a husband like that many years ago and left him. Now I live by myself, and thank God for that! Now that I am so sick, I can't imagine having to watch what I say so that I won't upset some self centered man. The reason that men don't like it when their women get sick is that then they don't have their slaves around to do for them. I like men, but only those who are mature and caring, and they are few and far between. Take care of yourself. Marie
    [This Message was Edited on 10/17/2005]
  9. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    You are compromising in order to keep him in your life. I guess at the end of the day, you ask yourself if it is worth it.

    If you still have him in your home and want to continue the relationship, then you must feel he is worth it.

    Why have you decided this is your "last" relationship? There are so many fish in the sea, and probably a really nice guy out there just waiting to meet you.

    No one has to put up with a abusive, uncaring person. This guy will never change, I would look for a better person - you are worth it.
  10. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    "Get rid of abusive people in your life."


    Whoever they are: parents, lovers, employers, friends, preachers, neighbors, whatever.

    I did it, and it was one of the most therapeutic things I ever did for myself.
  11. Aberlaine

    Aberlaine Member

    My "situation" has been resolved. No, I didn't throw him out because I do love him. The next day I asked him if we could talk about what set him off. He told me that he was very upset at the way my son and DIL had treated me. He was angry at THEM - not me.

    We do have blow ups, but afterward we are able to talk about them, find out what the triggers were, and try to avoid those in the future. No relationship can be peaceful all the time. If you learn from your bad times, it makes the relationship so much better.

    He is really a very caring, loving man. I have a history of flinching and assuming the blame when a man yells at me. This time I yelled back and it felt wonderful!!

    As for you who are in a truly abusive relationship, I, too, would suggest that you get out. However, if you don't have the means to support yourself, the decision is much harder. I stayed with my first husband for 27 years because I had no way to support myself if I left. Until my dad died and left me some money.

    Hugs,
    Nancy

  12. cjcookie

    cjcookie New Member

    If not, I would do as someone else suggested. Bring him to the boards. We'll teach him a thing or two.
  13. Risk

    Risk New Member

    I'm so sorry. I can totally relate. Infact, after over 22 years of marriage, my husband decided that he couldn't deal with the fibro anymore and we separated two weeks ago. I'm sure there were other factors involved, but he even told me that he wants the old me back again. Well, guess what? So do I. It's been a hellish 5 years since my diagnosis. I don't understand why our spouses/significant others just don't get this illness. We didn't ask for it. And we sure wouldn't wish it on anyone. Ok, maybe for one day our husbands should have symptoms, maybe then they would be a little more empathetic.

    And having them not relate is very stressful.

    I wish I could give you sound advice, just wanted to let you know that I feel for you and that maybe there is some way you could get through to him about your illness. I gave up trying and obviously, my husband did as well. You need to take care of yourself. Try doing something that makes you happy. For me, that could be reading a light novel, doing crossword puzzles, or renting a movie.

    My best to you.

    Rene
  14. rileyearl

    rileyearl New Member

    Hi Aberlaine,

    My husband is kind of quirky, too (now, isn't that a nice way to say it?) When I first was diagnosed with fms, he had about 20 suggestions a day about how it was something else, could be cured, and on and on.

    What turned him around was going to the doctor with me. It was my first appointment with the fibromyalgia and fatigue center and lasted an hour. Since that thorough education, he has been as helpful as he can be and has given up the easy out diagnosis game.

    Hope all is well today. You will know if it is time to make a change and if it works out, good for you!

    Take care,

    Francie
  15. risinforce

    risinforce New Member

    I myself was married, and once I got this illness (FM) life changed drastically to say the least. The "in sickness and in health" did not stick with my ex-husband. He was, to put it plainly, not there for me at all. He too had a health problem, seizure disorder and I was there for him but he could not take it. he wanted me healthy. Bottom line.

    It took me almost a year to leave because of our small child. the toughest decission I've ever made but I had to go. If he could not be there for me then I could not deal with it. I'd rather be alone then be w/someone who did love me sick or healthy.

    My advice to you is to pray about it and do what is best for you. Only think about yourself on this one and put yourself first. This is your life. I've been married now twice and am very, very causious about who I let into my life. Nobody can understand cronic pain unless they have it themselves or are just angels from heaven. I do believe there are angels from heaven out there though. I happen to be an optimist and have hope in the human race. Even in todays world.

    Getting divorced was the best thing for me. If kicking him out is the best for you, well that is up to you. My advice is that you only do what is best for YOU! He is a big person. He will be ok if you should rid yourself of the stress he causes you. This illness requires a "low stress atmosphere". I refuse to allow toxic people in my life. I discuss this monthly with my psyciastrist. It is almost a must with FM.

    I'm wishing you the best of luck in your choices and life. I'll say a prayer for you tonight.

    Hugs,
    Shawn