Our pastor came over last night and I am so glad. What a wonderful person he is to take time out of his busy schedule for us. Lord knows we needed it. My hubby was at peace. He was struggling with the whole experience last weekend wondering why again he basically cheated death. Me, on the other hand, I said to our Pastor (Ben) that it was a perfectly planned day and I was at peace with it the second day hubby was in Hospital. I knew that there were lessons to be learned. Hubby has alot of faith in the Lord. I do as well. Ben said how well we seem to compliment each other as I am too serious about life and yet hubby is so laid back. The miracle of the evening was that I leanred about alot of what I have been dealing with. The guilt I carry on my shoulders trying to be "perfect" the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect friend, co-worker and even sibling. The stress that I have been laying on myself is completely unnessessary. Ben said to me "Everytime you feel the need to perfect everything in your life, rememmber one thing...NOTHING in this world as we know it is perfect..even a lazer beem shot across the room still bends because of gravity....NOTHING is that perfect, NO ONE can even ever draw the most perfect or straight line....life is not perfect....". Hes right. With me being ill and not being able to live up to what I FEEL is "good enough" is too much. He sat back and explained in his view what he saw with hubby, me and the four kids and all of us as a blended family.... "I see a family with ALOT of love, alot of support, and a husband and wife who work so hard to make this family work...and I see it paying off...just looking into the childrens eyes and to see how wonderful you two work together as a team.....no money in the world, not a big house with lots of rooms and lots of toys, fancy cars, etc, would not even match up to what this household has...and you two should be proud....and you, Diane, need to hear over and over again what a good job you are doing...you both are good servants of the Lord and you Diane need to knwo that you are doing all you can do and God sees that and he is happy and he is very proud...." I could go on and on, but boy that was what I needed to hear... all of you who know me well here know exactly what I have been going thru for months. Im very hard on myself. I need to stop...it will be difficult but I am working on it....for my hubbys sake, for my children, but mostly for the good Lord. I feel the Lord is worth my effort after all he has done for me. Thanks for reading this. I thought maybe sharing it would help other "mommys,wives,partners,etc." out there who struggle day to day as I do, give them something to ponder, a glitter of hope to hold in the palm of their hands, and the promiss of a new tomorrow. Even as small and as insignificant as it may be to others. Maybe this is a way I can be wittness to the Lord. PRAISE GOD!