People get so upset with me-I blame FM

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kjade, Dec 6, 2009.

  1. kjade

    kjade New Member

    I am not who I used to be, ever since I "got" Fibro. I still manage to do everything I need to do (take care of my 4 kids, work FT, run a household, ect...) but it is REALLY tough for me. And some days I am just full of anger because I am in so much pain. I tend to take out my frustrations on DH, my children, my mother, ect... And I don't want to do that. When I am feeling really good (which is rare anymore, it seems) I am very pleasant to be around. But when the pain sets in, sometimes I would rather just be alone. People don't understand why I get so moody, and then they make me feel worse by telling me I have an "attitude problem" or I have "anger issues" - they say things to me that really hurt my feelings and make me so sad.

    DH and I have been arguing a lot lately (lots of problems with finances right now). He always gets so upset with me, and cannot understand why I get quiet or "push him away". He'll tell me that he thinks I hate him, and ask me why we are even together since he feels I can't stand to be around him. That is not the case, of course. But if I am not feeling well, I just get very frustrated, irritable, and angry. I feel like this is starting to affect my marriage and my family life, and it really worries me. How do I tell my husband that I don't want him hugging me or touching me because I am in pain? He doesn't understand that....he thinks it's about him. And I feel awful too sometimes about how I am as a mother. I get short with my children, and I know if I wasn't in so much pain, the things they do (fighting, screaming, messing up the house, ect) wouldn't bother me as much, and I wouldn't yell at them like I do.

    DH told me last night that I am already ruining Christmas because we got into an argument when we were looking for a Christmas tree. I yelled at him about something stupid because I was freezing cold, and within 5 minutes of being outside, I felt my muscles start to spasm, and I got a severe headache, and my neck locked up and I just got frustrated. He told me I was ruining Christmas because my daughter was crying, and I think she began to cry because we were fighting. :(

    Can anyone else relate to this? Any suggestions on how I deal with my moods when I am not feeling well so it doesn't affect my family?
  2. gapsych

    gapsych New Member

    I agree with Jam. You don't need this.

    Have you thought of marriage counseling or if hubby will not go, then for yourself. There are places that have sliding fees.

    When we do not feel well, it is harder to stand up for ourselves. You sound overwhelmed. I don't think I could raise a family and work at this point. I was lucky that this did not hit me until my daughters were grown. Even then, parenting without this DD is naturally tiring and sometimes overwhelming.

    It can also be hard for the spouses, partners, friends of those of us who have this DD. That is not the same as excusing your husbands behavior.

    Just describing what all you do, exhausted me.

    I think a lot of us could use some understanding and TLC as a holiday gift. That or a vacation in a warm place where your every need is catered to.LOL!!

    Take care.

  3. RENA0808

    RENA0808 Member

    I feel sad for you because of the way fibro is affecting your family life.I think we all go through a part of this but your story is hard because you have 4 kids and work full time so it must be REALLY tough for you!

    I think if maybe you wrote a letter to your hubby and Mom and told them about the way it affects you and how unhappy it makes you feel because of the effect it has on your family(also print off some info for them).
    It may help them understand more of what you are going through.

    They will NEVER fully understand but at least if they know the facts they might undersatnd why you are moody when you are in pain.
    Can the kids not help out with chores????

    Also read up about ALLODYNIA.....I found this really helpful in relation to my fibro......understanding about WHY I am in sooooo much pain.

    I hope things get better for you...and HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!!
    Let hubby get the tree with kids and let them do whatever to help you so you can do less and just praise them for the hard work lol.



    LEFTYGG Member

    pain makes us crabby. all my children were grown when fibro hit thank goodness. my daughter has said she wished her nice easy goiing mom was back.

    i fight the anger everyday ive told my husband this has nothing to do with you. when i go off on 1 of my 5 grown kids they warn the others lol.

    its gotten better my body is trying to heal but with all youve got on your plate its hard to heal.if people dont understand thats their problem.

    just apologis to kids theyll forgive you and so will family try totake time for yourself thats what i shoulda done thats why im in this mess.

    my big regret in life is not taking care of myself. love gail
  5. goodguess25

    goodguess25 New Member

    Have the kids and husband help you with the workload and lower your standard on house it okay for a little mess. Before I quit working I would have to lay down for 30 minutes after work, just to relax and give some time before the pain killers and muscle relaxer to kick in. I lived 5 min from work so on lunch I close the office and take a nap for 30 minutes after I ate. This of course only works if u live close and have an hour lunch break but maybe you can find a qiuet area and relax and strech
  6. kjade

    kjade New Member

    Thanks everyone for responding to my post (or plea for help). Your kind words are so very comforting. And just knowing that others can relate to how I am feeling really does make me feel a lot better.

    Jamin...thanks so much for the hugs. I know what you mean about the cold. It is THE absolute WORST thing for me. Unfortunately, I can't avoid it where I live. I was kind of sad that I rushed the whole "picking out the tree" business. Because usually every year it is a fun experience for my family. I was just cold and annoyed and there weren't many good trees left...the tree does look beautiful now that it is finished. My kids decorated it while I was at work. I wish I could've watched them.

    Gap...thank you for your advice and thoughts. Thankfully, I don't feel that DH and I are near the point where we need counseling. I think he would go, but it would make ME uncomfortable. I have been in counseling off and on for years (mostly for childhood issues) and it does help to a degree, but I just don't have the time anymore. And the last 2 therapists I had really disappointed me (long stories).
    I DO feel very overwhelmed. I started having symptoms of this DD in my early 20's, but I wasn't dx'ed until after my 3rd baby was born. So really, this life of constant pain and trying to keep up with my kids and everything is all I have ever known. Sometimes I just feel so weak, but on good days, I sometimes take a step back and give myself a little pat on the back. Because I know that everything I do is difficult even for a really healthy person. And the fact that I manage to keep everything together must mean I am doing a pretty good job. It is those days where I feel like I am falling apart that are tough.
    I think DH has a hard time understanding because like everyone else, he doesn't see any "sickness" or "pain", since I look healthy and I don't complain alot. He is always just telling me I need to exercise more (he is a health freak who works out and lifts weights constantly). I know he is trying to help, but sometimes it feels like he thinks I am just lazy or something. I just think he doesn't know what to do to help. He really does do a lot around the house, and he is really great with the kids. I don't know what I would do without him. I just wish he would not get so defensive when I am not feeling well, and stop acting like it has anything to do with him.

    Rena...Thank you for the advice...that is a really good idea to maybe write a letter. My mother really either doesn't get it, or she just pretends it's not happening because she doesn't know what to do. She has sisters that are nurses (& I don't think they believe in Fibro) and she works for a Dr. So who knows what she hears about Fibro. All she ever tells me is that I need to relax and stop worrying so much, and then I would feel better. That is nice advice, but we all know that doesn't work. It may help, but that is not why I have fibro. I sent emails to my family about fibro, and I never heard anything from them about it again. Which really hurt me. Like DH, I think they just don't know what to say.
    My kids are 10, 7, 4 and 4 months. The 10 yr old does help me a LOT. He has his little chores, and he helps with the baby. I feel bad about that, because I am so busy, he usually has to feed her or change her diaper (like when I am getting ready for work). I feel guilty putting so much on a 10 yr old, but I do know I need the help.
    Thank you for reminding me about allodynia....I have read a lot about it before, and will continue reading up on it. It does make a lot of sense when you understand better.
    Thank you, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas too!

    Leftygg (Gail)...I SO know what you mean about fighting the anger. I think sometimes when I do that I end up feeling worse, but I would rather keep quiet than just upset everyone around me. That happens a lot at work, especially. Which is probably why I am so irritated when I get home from work. Then I have to feed everyone, get the kids to all of their activites, then do their homework and get everything ready for the next day. I usually end up with 10 minutes to myself before I go to bed. Sometimes I just sit crying alone because I am so frustrated. I want my kids to have a funloving mom who they enjoy being around. Most of the time, I feel like I am failing in that dept. My DH is the one that is always playing with them and making them laugh....thank God they have him, because they are very happy kids because of him. Sometimes i feel like I am only here to take care of their needs, and that they never notice anyway, so I feel useless. Then when I am not feeling well, I just want to crawl into a hole, because I don't want my negative emotions to affect them.
    You are right...I should be taking better care of myself. I guess that is why I come on here when I have some free time. Thank you....that is such an important advice.

    Aussiewoman...thank you! I like your idea of going on strike! We have a pretty big house and it is a LOT of work to keep up with it. I usually only have time to do laundry on weekends (and let me tell you....doing laundry for 6 people is just AWFUL! It takes up my entire weekend! Plus add all of the extra clothes for their sports, and DH's work...ugh! I HATE IT!) I really wish I could hire a cleaning lady. My SIL has one (and she doesn't work, so it makes me so jealous that she can afford to have someone come in and clean for her - then I just get depressed, and start feeling sorry for myself; wishing my life were not so hard).
    Currently I am taking several meds. And I do have Xanax that I use only for panic attacks (which I rarely get anymore since I started taking Lyrica). The meds do help to some degree, I guess. When the pain is less, I am much more happy and full of life. I only wish I felt that way all of the time. But like I said, I guess I am just so used to my life that I have just learned to deal with it. I hide my pain, fatigue and frustration, but when they do something upsetting (that may not really be that big of a deal), that is when I just "go off", and I have to hear from everyone what an angry miserable person I am (from DH, my mom ect). That is what really hurts. But I will continue to try to do everything for myself to feel better. I am too afraid that if things keep getting worse for me, it could wind up destroying my family. Thank you for your advice and wishes...I really appreciate it.

    Goodguess...that is really good advice, and something that I really struggle with. I am a TOTAL perfectionist, and I have struggled for most of my life with that. People have been telling me for years that the house doesn't need to be perfect, the kids can be a little dirty, my hair doesn't need to be perfect. I KNOW these things, but it is a real struggle for me to NOT be so perfectionistict. When things are out of place or a mess, I feel like things are out of control and it drives me crazy. But I continue to try and work on it. I try to let the floor be dirty for a few days (it's hard) because I know it will be clean again (and then within 10 minutes of being clean, it will be a mess again.... that's just the way it goes). But I do know how important it is to try and just let go. And I need to.
    I drive an hour each way to work. Would you believe that is actually one of my favorite times of the day? For me it is the only time I am completely alone with my thoughts. I just listen to my music and think. It helps me clear my head a little before I get to work after a hectic morning, or before I get home after a busy stressful day at work.

    Well, thank you again everyone! I am glad I wrote. You all helped me (as always). I hope if anyone else is struggling with the same issues, they will read all of your helpful hints. Now I think I am going to take a much needed hot bath. Take care all!

  7. JewelRA

    JewelRA New Member

    My dh and I are having more and more marital problems due to this dd. It's just another way FM/CFS is ruining my life. The part about your daughter crying because you and dh are fighting brought a tear to my eye, as the same thing has happened with my 2 young children. It breaks my heart. Sometimes, actually alot of the time, I wonder if they wouldn't be better off without me. That just makes the depression worse.

    My dh cannot understand, after all the time I have been dealing with this, why I can't do certain things, like entertain people at our house, be intimate frequently, etc. It hurts me so bad that he doesn't get it. Sometimes I think he "tries" to get it, and sometimes it seems he really doesn't care. I don't know what will become of us, actually.

    I'm sorry. My post just probably brought you down even further. Just know you are definitely not alone.