Personal dumping in an effort to evaluate stress..

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by gypsy101, Oct 5, 2006.

  1. gypsy101

    gypsy101 New Member

    This won't be easy. Not even with strangers over the internet. I believe my stress has compromised my health and been the catalyst for this fibromyalgia I was just told I have. So, I'm getting rid of it all here.

    I'm married to an alcoholic. Have three kids. I'm still married for the $$ so some may think I have what I deserve. I was raised in poverty. I clawed my way out and even made it into college with an "opportunity" program for people as bad off as it can get. I married a guy who had everything my family background did not have. He had intact family, 6 siblings, went to private school, attended church every sunday with the family.

    He was also a pathological liar, an alcoholic and so deeply narcissitic that I never saw the flaws. He seems to have liked the idea that he was rescuing a waste of life like myself. I just thought he was a nice guy from a nice family with a future.

    I'm now 12 years into this nightmare marriage. He's so bad that it's difficult to describe. He actively hates me and the kids. I never fight with him. I think he may be manic depressive and that may be the underlying condition driving his alcoholism. He is passive aggressive to an unimaginable degree. I know I need to get a divorce. I'm working on that right now. I've requested my college transcripts. I plan to get a job. I wanted to wait until all of my kids were old enough so that I wouldn't need daycare. The stress is killing me.

    Will some of these fibro symptoms go away when the stress leaves? The pain in my back and shoulders is bad.

    I don't know how to get a divorce. I'm pretty much alone as far as family is concerned. It's just me and my kids. I have the "incident report" from when my husband attacked a female co-worker when he got drunk on a business trip. I have the psych evaluations of him and they're not flattering. Does anyone know how the courts work with father's who are nuts? I have been holding off for the past two years to do this thinking I could make it until my children are all at least 12 years of age. I can't. I am now sick from all this stress. I have a 9 year old who is my youngest. I'm afraid he and the other kids would be harmed being left alone with their father. I have no proof other than his history of impulse control issues, drinking, driving, rehab, the "harrassment" which if you read the report smacked more of "assault". I'm so afraid that when I ask for the divorce, my body will not hold up and the pain will keep me from doing what I need to do.
  2. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    You can get help and I am sure someone here can recommend places to call for help.

    There are alot of non profit agencies that help people in our situation.

    You should definitely be going to Alanon. You will meet others and get more understanding of how to handle your problem.

    You will also meet others who have "been there, done that". You need friends now and the best place to start is get to Alanon - take the kids too if possible.

    You are married to a alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease but you do not have continue and let this ruin your kids lives.

    The sooner they are rescued the better. Sorry if I sound harsh. I know you are afraid, but please go to Alanon.

    Others here may have additional suggestions. I know we cannot just tell you to leave, it is not that easy.

    You may wind up needing legal help - you need to be very strong for your kids and yourself.

    Just take one day at a time.
  3. marsupialmama

    marsupialmama New Member

    in my part of the world (southern ontario) there are women's shelters that help women get out of abusive relationships. their locations are kept secret so no loony spouses or partners can come and cause trouble.

    they help women find accommodation and get back on their feet again. my friend went through one and they helped her find an apartment and get welfare etc. I think some of them help with job training etc too, or there are other programs for that.

    i think they can help with divorce/legal stuff too.

    i hope there is a program like this where you live. it sounds like you need to get out. my friend was married to a rich guy (or he liked to act rich), he didn't drink but he was horribly abusive, verbally and physically. i told her to get out (and i am not one to easily advocate ending a marriage...) but she took her time. her kids are now grown up and treat her very, very badly. because that's all they saw as they were growing up.

    good luck to you, i hope you get the help and support you need in "real life" as well as here on this board.

  4. gypsy101

    gypsy101 New Member

    came straight here to see advice. I'm so greatful that there are responses. I'm kind of feeling a bit like an animal the past couple of days. Very much in pain, my thoughts are racing, I don't know what the first step is that I should take. Do I look in the phone book for a divorce lawyer? Can I do this on my own by filing for legal separation first? I'd like to save money and not pay someone for the divorce. Is that possible? I have only one person who is like an acquaintance in my life who has gotten a divorce. I've considered calling her to ask her how she went about it. I don't know her well at all, but our kids were in a class together last year. Maybe I'll give her a call today. I'm afraid of what tomorrow will look like financially if I initiate this. I know I can get him fired from his job if I report him for additional drinking incidents which he managed to hide. He was told one more time would be cause for firing. He hasn't really spoken to me in nearly a year. Just minimal acknowledgemnent, and threatening postering if I attempt conversation beyond that. I think he's really contemptuous towards me in part becuase he knows that if I told anyone about the more recent incidences, he'd be fired. Makes him extra resentful.
    Does anyone remember that woman Laurie Hacking.... Mark Hacking was her husband. She found out that he was lying to her about being in med school and while she was pregnant, he killed her. My husband is the same kind of pathological liar. He lies constantly. When the report came out about Laurie Hacking, I was so overcome with validation because I didn't think anyone would ever understand how much one person could like and make you follow along on worthless life paths. My husband does that to me and the kids. Lies, lies, lies.
  5. Mini4Me

    Mini4Me New Member

    The quicker the better!
    Mini
  6. minkanyrose

    minkanyrose New Member

    Sorry to hear you are going through this but there is help.
    first and formost make sure he can't get access to any post you make on the internet or e-mail your safty is the most important right now.

    I am in the same situation I had hoped my soon to be ex would change for years and hopes smashed everytime.

    If you don't know who to call call the abuse hot line in your telephone book and they know how to help you.

    Every state has a legal service to help you stay safe and get a divorce.

    3 years ago me and my 2 daughters lived in a battered womans shealter. They helped me a lot to stay safe and get help to get on my own 2 feet. They have counsceling for you and your children.

    The stress was so great for me I couldn't function. I got out and now the stress is less I feel a littler better but still going through divorce right now so when It is over should be doing a lot better. I have seen a lot of iprovement in my health.

    When you leave make sure you have ss numbers for you and all kids any money you can get your hands on any documents you have to prove his behavior, medical records, birth certificates.

    By all means you have to be sly don't show him any signs you are leaving him if taking money out of an sccount would send an alarm off don't take it.

    Give documents to a trusted friend or family member to hang on to for you. When I left I met the people at the hospital and they had me follow them to a safe house so there is help.

    you can also contact the hospital in your area and they know what to do.

    I am praying for your safty and better future it was worth my health for me and my children. be safe.
  7. gypsy101

    gypsy101 New Member

    I'm so overwhelmed right now. I've been in this place for years. I never thought it would get better once I realized my mistake... I just thought I could get though it for the kids. He makes a lot of money and I know what poverty is. My kids are in a great school, have lots of friends and are happy where they are. I really thought I could do it for the next 10 years. That sounds so crazy to admit. They're older now, not little anymore and they pick up all the passive agression all the snide comments, the way he treats me, the favoritsm he showers on the one child, the emotional roller coaster he likes to keep everyone on so no one can guess his next reaction. It's apparent now to the two older kids. It's very ugly. Does a divorce court understand emotional abuse? Or do they just look for bruises? It's so difficult to describe a pouting, hostile, grown man sitting in a living room chair steaming with contempt, not talking to anyone, not helping with any conversation or family life. Just sitting there loathing the family he's suffering the company of. Why doesn't HE just leave? He said something very bizarre five months ago. He asked me how long do I think he's going to put up with this. I was shocked. I was like, I don't know. I didn't know how to respond. Then he went on a business trip and called me and let me know he'd read my journal. It had my feelings of what is going on in my life. So, he said he was furious with me and that I owed him an apology and he ranted about how he couldn't even stand to be in the same room with me.. I was like, why'd you read my journal? He said it was his right to read whatever I wrote. I asked him if he wanted to address any of my issues I wrote about in my journal, but all he wanted to do was yell at me for writing so badly about him. He was insulted and pissed off. When you live like this for so long, you forget what normal is. Normal husbands don't read journals. Do they.
  8. georgie0826

    georgie0826 New Member

    Dump what ever you need to here. Sometimes it helps to get it off your chest, especially to people you don't know.
  9. Kimba4318

    Kimba4318 New Member

    I did want to say... YOU are NOT and never have been a WASTE OF LIFE... You are special, you are a mother and a hero to those children I am sure. Like you said... you came from nothing and went to college. That sounds like a big accomplishment to me.
    I just want you to know you seem like a smart, strong woman, wether you feel that way or not.... YOU ARE SPECIAL.

    We Care and are here for you - Vent away! I am worried about you though, please do something soon and make sure you have a safe haven if needed.

    We are your friends.... You have US.
    Keep us updated please.
    Hugs :)
    Kim
  10. Jana1

    Jana1 New Member

    alanon, alanon, alanon.
  11. Kimba4318

    Kimba4318 New Member

    are you okay? Thinking about you... Everything okay over there???
  12. Amslave

    Amslave New Member

    Please get out now...You and your kids have the right to feel safe and at peace. My prayers will be with you.jen
  13. gypsy101

    gypsy101 New Member

    I'm seeing a lawyer on monday. I am very scared. He called home today and was very agressive with me. He said he was too angry to talk to me right then, but to let him talk to the kids instead. I told him that the kids were all pretty upset right now, which they are. The past week with him was awful. He was so difficult to be around. Personally, I think he's been involved with something messy. I think something went down at his job that he hasn't told me about. Several years ago he was this bad. It turned out he had gotten drunk, sexually harrassed a female co-worker... (I actually have the report and it describes him being drunk and going to her hotel room and trying to push his way in and a male co-worker who she was on the phone with discussing my husband's behavior with came out of his room and ran my husband off.) So, it was downplayed in the end, but her report sounded like a woman who had been attacked and was still scared. So, his behavior these days is very similar. Very hostile, not speaking to us most of the time, glaring, being very passive agressive with my oldest child. After he left the other day, the kids kind of went through a decompression of sorts and just did this odd crying thing that night when they went to bed. They told me all sorts of negative comments he'd made towards them and I tried to defray some of the hurt feelings with comments like well you should talk with him about how that made you feel and that wasn't very nice, maybe he was in a bad mood. That sort of thing.
    Anyway, I told him (which is very confrontational of me and not like me- guess I'm really evolving now that I feel some validation..) I told him that the kids were kind of upset with his behavior and I was too. He said I had been all over his case.... Can I just say !!!!!! what!!!???? And it was my fault if he'd been in a shi%%y mood. He wanted to talk to them, not me. So fine. I put the oldest on the phone. My husband apparently started to interogate the kid. I heard this poor kid trying to be nice, but be honest at the same time. Finally he stopped talking, looked at me and covered the phone. He asked me if he would get in trouble if he told dad the truth. I came over and said he wouldn't and that he could always tell the truth. So he tried. But everything he said, his father told him he was wrong about. He blamed a child for being yelled at. He blamed a child for not telling him when he'd hurt his feelings with comments such as "No one asked for your opinion" (who talks to a child like that!) He blamed him for all of it and in the end my son who's 11 started crying so hard he was choking. My daughter who is much braver and knows more of what is going on because she's kind of wise that way, got on the phone and said she wouldn't talk to him because he was mean and had made the other kid cry. All I heard her say is that she did tell me he'd been mean and she was not going to talk to him. Then the youngest got on the phone and and got the questions about if he'd told me he was unhappy. The kid said yeah, you're always mad. No, you made me cry when you said.... Then he hand me the phone and the husband started screaming at me that he was so angry that he couldn't talk to me and how dare I and when he gets home things are going to change and I just ok. I never yell. A few years back, four to be exact, I just stopped even arguing. I don't yell, disagree, argue. I can't take it anymore. But I just yelled this time. I told him he wasn't going to hurt my kids anymore. I told him his alcoholism was out of control and so was he. I told him I'm seeing a lawyer on monday and I want a divorce. Then I hung up. He didn't call back. I think when he does, he'll have his whole arguement worked out where I'm wrong and he's right and how dare I put him through this.

    So anyway. I'm really going to do it. I even told my kids. I told them because I'm really going to do it. I called my mother who I'm not close with at all and told her. I asked if I could come live with her if I needed to and she said yes. She's an alcoholic too and I even went 7 years without speaking to her because she's pretty bad, but she has a large home that's paid for and room, so I did it. I actually asked this woman I barely know for something! I think that shows how serious I am. I didn't even tell her about the birth of my third child because I had had to cut her out of my life just to get the drunken craziness down to a minimum. I wouldn't stay there long, but it could help get me along my own way. So, I don't know what I'm doing, no gameplan, but I'm doing something different. I went to an alanon meeting where they said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. So this is all different for me. I'm in uncharted territory. Nothing will be the same again.. I hope!
    [This Message was Edited on 10/07/2006]
  14. enjoysue

    enjoysue New Member

    PLEASE take everyones advice. All are very good. I have been thru what you are going thru now. I thought I could survive thru my marriage til all my kids graduated HS but I could not when he did unspeakable things to me and threatened to do it again. I had to go to the police, charges were filed ect. You are living with a very dangerous man. He is filled with anger and vengeance towards you. That is how my ex was. It is EXTREMELY important that you contact a womens shelter immediately and let them know what is going on. Already pack some things and get all your important papers and things to a trusted friend. Even a neighbor will work. You also probably don't know that you have very low self esteem. I sure didn't as that sneeks up on your little by little and your very soul is damaged. Don't feel rushed into getting a lawyer immediately. Take the time to get the abuse shelters recommendations and also most importantly (and this saves you money)call your counties family court commisioners office. They are there for you and ask any questions you want of them! I did not use these services but my ex sure did. I felt unworthy of calling them, like who am I to bother them with my problems. That's their job for crying out loud!!! Also I am sorry to say that your husband will get visitation with your children unless it can be shown he is a danger to them. It cost money to get a guardian ad litem and I just didn't have it at that time though I would do it differently if I could.
    Hang in there and take one day at a time. Whatever you do don't change your mind. Your kids will be much better off without his constant presence and trust me, they pick up on his hatred towards you and in time he would work on them to think you are crazy. Mine did, said I was lying...the whole 9 yards. AND whatever you do DON"T talk bad about your ex to or in front of the children. They have the right to love their father and will learn well enough on their own just what their dad is made of. Oh, my ex is narcissistic too! They are very dangerous and used to getting their own way and he will try to sell his charm on everyone. (or is that just cuz my ex was a natural salesman too?) My ex would even take my oldest to court with him to be on HIS side!! Is that crazy or what??! I never allowed it and made the courts aware that he was there and he had to leave. I would calmly tell my son that I did not want him to have memories of this and that's why I didn't allow it. This son now after going to college has grown up so much and refuses to takes sides as it should be.
    Although I have so much less stress these days with only my health being my stressors, I still am in so much pain and fatiqued. BUT I have never been happier in my entire life!!!
    One day at a time is the key. Contact an abuse shelter and you will not be alone. There are people out there to help you. Please please keep us posted and if you need to talk email me.
  15. gypsy101

    gypsy101 New Member

    I'm really glad to be able to admit it finally. It's not right. I should not be this way. I'm waking up suddenly. I'm very very glad you wrote that to me. I know the only way I could have stayed with him this long is that I have developed low self esteem. WHo stays with a man who tries to sexually assault a female coworker? Someone with low self esteem. Today is different. I'm not the same person who would stay. I'm so new. I thank everyone who wrote to me. I want to address all the issues. I'm not going to be a victim anymore.
  16. alonebutnotlonely

    alonebutnotlonely New Member

    gypsy101,

    All good advise here.

    I thought I might add a couple of things.

    Do you know where your money is kept (what bank(s)). Does he have a stash that he is not telling you about? If you can find the accounts get the account number and how much money is in them and get a paper copy if you can.

    Try to do this a day or so before you leave. Call legal aid and ask if they can file a legal separation and freeze the assets legally immediately so he won't be able to wipe out the account.. I think you will be able to withdraw money to live on. Not sure about the last one thought.

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    Does he know what meds you are on? If you can hide them until you leave he won't be able to use that against you. Throw empty bottles away or take them too. Get kids meds too and meds like Pepto Bismol, allergy, stuff for boo boos, etc..

    Make it as easy as you can for yourself. If you take meds with you then you won't have to spend bucks to get them.

    Good luck,
    Dee

  17. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    He should not of been told that you were going to see a lawyer. Kids should not have talked to him. Adds to their stress and his anger.

    Do not add more fuel for his fire (anger). Dangerous.

    Your Mom's would be a bad place to go right now. He would look there for sure.

    Mom's might not ever be the right place to go. Seek a shelter first and counseling and get your thoughts together before you move on.

    Number one,,,,,,is safety for you and your children. Two is sorting it out and eventually making plans to go on with your life. Please be safe.

    You do not owe him any explaining. There is no reasoning with him, just danger. Please get out ASAP.

    Many years ago I went through much. It was more than awful. I look back and wonder why it took me so long to claim my life. It is thrilling to find your true values and strengths
    that you never knew you had. You will soar......

    Blessings to the four of you......Love, Susan
  18. gypsy101

    gypsy101 New Member

    I'm very grateful for all your advice. I won't try to turn my kids against their father, he's doing that all by himself... But I will begin to acknowledge their points when they tell me he's being mean or is wrong. I used to try to sweep the problems away. I had to tell them we're getting divorced, because he may not actually come back and sleep in this place ever again. I have to tell myself- this is the last time we will ever live together. I mean it. I'm doing it. I'm not living under the same roof with him again. He will not come home to this house. I don't have to lock him out right now because he's away for several weeks. I'm thinking the lawyer will tell me how to handle this. My kids are really upset, scared. They were asking me where we would live. I told them that we will still live in a home, be fine and have enough money to do lots. I told them things will not get scary, they will have me as usual and each other. I said that the lawyers will help to figure things out like when visit with dad and he'll have a place where they can go see him. I said some of their friends parents are divorced and those kids are fine. You just live separately. They're all concerned about me going to work, but I told them they're all in school anyway. I get bored. I mean, one's in middle school! You can tell I've kept these kids comfy by how uneasy they are! I'm like, you'll go to school, come home and I'll be there either soon or already there. No biggie. My oldest is taking a babysitting course in Dec. anyway. I don't think they realize how capable they are. I've decided we need to see a counselor right away. They were all crying so much today. Just depressed and crying. Saying I don't know why I'm crying. I told them it's normal and that we'd go see a counselor to talk about their worries next week.
    [This Message was Edited on 10/07/2006]
  19. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    first got to a women's abuse shelter....they have counselor's, legal advocates...they will even help you get a restraining order going for you...you need that....

    they could house....somewhere safe...they will help you get you on your feet...and get the kids...daycare...if need be..

    they can most importantly get you a section 8 housing voucher...if you have to go on ssdi/ssi or tanf...then you only have to pay 30% of your income...and they take into consideration how many in your home..

    people that are in abused in my county of marin and go to the women's shelter will be able to get a section 8 voucher due to domestic violence...that includes verbal or emotional abuse...and you would be considered homeless...more points to get your voucher...

    get copies of your hb's income tax refunds..for the last 2-3 years...important to establish child support....

    take out all the money you can out of the bank...

    drop him off any policies auto, life, health.....because once you file and if you are the primary you can not legally drop him off your policy....in our state of california...

    you need to file divorce papers not separation papers...it will cost more...cause you will have to refile everything again...so why wait to see if he will help himself...?

    just get it started...there is tons of help out there for you...

    if you need to be safe you go to abuse shelter w/kids...they will be ok...they just need one stable parent..ok....

    hugs...

    oh another one i found out to do...any visa's in your name and his...go cash out for money...put away in a safe deposit box...don't tell anyone i mean anyone...you need to be sneaky to protect yourself and get the most benefits for yourself and kids...

    and if u feel safe to say what state you are from ,only do it if you feel safe, and i am sure of us maybe able to help you some of the laws of divorce in your state...or google it yourself...

    i do not think i would be waiting in that house while he comes home...maybe if you have police protection....

    i had a friend's cousin go and went to the bank and cashed out maxed the credit cards for cash..put the money away to use for her baby...cause the father said he wouldn't pay her any child support...he also is an alcoholic...

    she filed for tanf and then the state will locate father and make him pay child support..he will owe the state money back for the tanf money they give you...also you will be able to most like get your college paid for from financial aid...

    when it comes to your life and your children's well being it is better to do w/o a nice fancy home and the abuse that comes w/it...you will be surprised how well you can do w/out it...

    salvation army helps out...there is help w/utilties...

    but you can get all this free help from that 1800 i the phone book you called...

    hire some help to pack up and store you items you want and put it all in a storage place...for when you do get your new home....

    i wanted to tell you to get all the visa statements that you can...anything to prove the lifestyle you have been accustomed to living...that will help you w/spousal support..you have been in a long term marriage as well...

    don't listen to any idol threats...they are not good...

    do not move in w/his mother...not good...not only is she a drunk, she is his mother...and you wouldn't believe how quick a mother's love w/turn on the exwife...to be...

    just let the courts freeze all the assets....but i would certainly would go out on monday or start today if you can and start drawing out any money or funds that you can...quickly then go hide out w/help w/women's abuse shelter...and get that restraining order...so those poor kids don't have to endure anymore emotional abuse until he decides to fly right....

    hugs

    jodie
    [This Message was Edited on 10/08/2006]
  20. MsOnlyMe123

    MsOnlyMe123 New Member

    It's 3:30 a.m. and I need to go to bed. I did read some of your post and oh my, I feel so bad for you and your kids. I will continue to read all these messages and will try to help.

    Would someone please explain to me what a "passive aggresive" is? My ex-boyfriend told me he was one. He went for phyc. therapy before we met. He could not explain it to me because he said he didn't even know what the doctor meant by it.

    Eileen