There's a story about a photographer-turned-farmer who purchased a plot of land five miles long but only 20 feet wide on which to grow his crops. His reasoning: "I just love a narrow depth of field." There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots. The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed. So what's the moral of the story? The spirit was willing but the flash was weak. Q. What's the difference between a large pepperoni pizza and an aspiring photographer? A. A large pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four. A photographer went to a dinner party where he showed many of his photographs. The lady of the house said, those are very nice pictures, you must have a great camera. He said nothing, but when leaving for home offered the following compliment to the lady of the house "The meal was very nice, you must have great pots and pans." You are on a photo shoot by the stormy seaside (tsunami scene, flash flood insert as appropriate), ten foot waves are crashing down, and suddenly you notice President Bush (insert local leader as appropriate) getting out of a car to visit the scene of destruction. Just as you are getting ready to take a shot, a huge wave washes him and his staff into the terrible waters - only you are left on land. You can either save the President by throwing him a rope, or take a unique shot of him drowning. Your terrible dilemma, you only have a second to decide: Do you use wide angle, or telephoto to zoom in? A French friend was impressed by my portraits. "How do you get them to look so happy?" she asked. I told her that the secret was to ask people to say 'cheese'. A few weeks later she phoned me up, very disappointed. "All my photos show people snarling!" she complained, "even though I took your advice and asked them to say 'fromage'." Two photographer friends meet on a street corner. One mentions that he'd just seen a man lying in an alley who was clearly starving and in dire straits. What did you give him?, the other photographer asked... "1/250s @ f/8"