please give advice blended family problems

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by octavia7, Dec 14, 2006.

  1. octavia7

    octavia7 New Member

    Hi, I'm new here and hope that someone, anyone can give me some good advice. I am happily married to a wonderful man but his 2 kids hate me. one is a yound adult the other almost 30, I tried the best I could to get along with the younger son and we had many problems needles to say we had to kick him out of the house, again, in february. We have a traditon of getting together at our home on Christmas Eve and this year when my husband tried to plan things his son changed everything. called my mother in law and told my husband that the family gathering was going to be at grandmas house and that I could not come. Can you believe that my mother in law went along with all of this? My husband informed his son that I am his wife and if I couldn't be there that he would not be there. Then called his mother at my request to ask her if I was invited and instead he arranged that the 3 of us would get together and that her and his kids could go on with their plans. I feel so totally betrayed. Come on it's Christmas and I can and am willing to be in the same room with him., but he is very manipulative and always has to get his way. Oh, the reason that he had to leave our home was because he brought his girlfriend into our home and was having sex with her and I was in the next room, things were said and he came over to our house to kill us, tried to destroy our house and them put his fist through our bedroom window. Then we had to pay for the window to get fixed and the hospital bill for the stitchs he had to have. He calls his Dad when he wants money or to use the garage and I have spoken to him on the phone several times lately and never thought for a moment that he would pull this at Christmas time and now he also has his brother on his side. This shouldn't be happening and I am furious at how my husband is or should I say isn't handling this situation and also shocked that his mother would hurt me this way also. please tell me if I am wrong to feel this way. No one wants to remember all of the good things I did for this boy.
    alone and discouraged
  2. PollyMcAnna

    PollyMcAnna Member

    Octavia ... One "AW SHOOT!" wipes out a hundred "ATTA BOYS" when it comes to stepmothers. That fact is etched in stone.

    Your stepchildren and your mother-in-law are treating you badly because they see something in your husband's behavior that tells them they can get away with it.

    Your problems lie only with your husband.

    Just my opinion.

    Good luck.
  3. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    and it's a mess that I am in to some extent, also.

    Although both my husband's children and my children were adults when we married, my husband's youngest son is the most hateful and irresponsible person I know. I won't go into details becuase it would do no good...just know that his father and the whole family agrees with this assessment.

    I have no answers, but I know that I would certainly have a long, hard talk with my husband if this were our situation. You should come before the wayward son. Always.

    I will pray that you can come to some mutual conclusion that will be show the son his place and limit his power....he is a powerful person now and he loves that he can run the show. Look how many people are dancing to his tune.

    Stand up for yourself. You don't have to take any more abuse. I have had to stand up to my stepson as he has done so many things to personally hurt me...just jabbing the knife in at any opportunity. And, I have always wanted only the best for him. (By the way, this "kid" is almost 32 years old...going on 15.)

    So, hang in there. It just goes with the territory, but I would set limits so that you can stop being hurt. He needs to know he can't do it even if the others don't take a stand in your behalf. It is such a tough situation. I just have distanced myself so that he can no longer hurt...he loses power and he hates that.

    So, anyway...very long. Sorry. I just pray for you and your ability to maintain your rightful position as wife and your right for the respect you deserve.

    Let us know how it goes.


  4. elliespad

    elliespad Member

    I would go ahead and plan your festivities as usual, inviting whomever you and your husband choose. It will speak VOLUMES, depending on who comes and who doesn't. And, lets you know where you and husband stand in the family tree.
  5. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    I would just go on with my usual plans. If they don't want to participate that is their decision.

    My step children, 27 and 25, know they are welcome for Christmas and have been invited. Neither has responded. So I will just do what I always do and if they come there will be enough stew to go around, if they don't we will be eating stew all week!

    As far as your MIL your DH needs to set her straight. Now. This can only get worse and will destroy any relationship you have with her. The MIL problem is one he needs to fix and he needs to be on your side. She is his mother but he CHOSE you to be his wife.

    My DH had to put his foot down with my MIL when she stayed with us for about a month after surgery. She hit my dog and that totally ticked me off! Say what you want about me but don't ever, ever touch my dog unless it is to pet and cuddle him as he so richly deserves!!

    He apologized to me and the next evening when I came home from work she apologized also and even said she knew that those dogs are like my children and she would never have treated my children that way.

    So, again, the MIL problem is his responsibility!


    Stop and smell the puppies!

    BTW - please break your posts in to fairly short paragraphs. Many of us have a hard time reading posts that are one big paragraph with no breaks. Thanks!
  6. maineweezie

    maineweezie New Member

    Hi Octavia7,

    The others have this right. The problems are not of your making and you don't deserve this. The behavior of the step-son are totaly unwarrented and he learned this crap long before you came into the picture. As long as hubby,the brother and mother-in-law back him and allow this stuff to happen it will continue to happen. Hubby giving him permissions to use the garage,lend money and accepting the bull crap are telling him it's fine by him.Grandmother is also backing this poor little( nope)baby. It's way beyond time for this kid to grow up and take responsbility for his actions. I don't see it happening any time soon if at all.

    We had a blended family that had many issues mostly caused because of his daughter. I can't begin to count the problems we all had which hubby for years thought was set up by his EX wife. That may have happened when this girl was young. But after a point that excuse was blown. She's now an adult and some things don't change. She's all by herself quite often when it comes to family. Her lies have hung her however she still plays her games. Just not with the rest of us. We also had three sons, my one and our two. They are all extremely caring loving people.You never hear the half,step, stuff that often goes with the territory unless it's talking about her.

    Good luck with this and please keep us posted. Maineweezie
  7. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    He threatened to kill you? This is a very angry young man who needs theraputic intervention ASAP and he needs to be directed to it by his father, not by you.

    You're not wrong to feel the way you do but it will get you absolutely nowhere. This is way beyond hurt feelings. Meanwhile, I can tell you from experience that there is no way a step-parent can try to disapline a step-child of any age, but especially a teenager.

    Don't worry about who said or did/didn't do what! Take care of yourself!

  8. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    There is no "winning" in this situation.

    So you are saying that you, your hubby, and his mother are to get together on some OTHER night because she is having everyone else over for Christmas but you???

    Your MIL evidently told your hubby that she did't want you there. So rather than your hubby telling you this, he did the best that he could by having just the 3 of you get together at a different time.

    My suggestion??? Invite friends over for Christmas Eve and have a party. Don't say another word to your hubby about being miffed. Have a great time at the party.

    OR---take a cruise and get out of that house. DO NOT just have the two of you sitting in that house for Christmas Eve. It won't do either of you any good.

    Your hubby is caught between a rock and a hard place.

    Consider telling him that you will do whatever he thinks is best. I think you will come out far better with this approach because you aren't demanding. This approach puts the "ball entirely in his court" to deal with his nutty family. Anything that goes wrong can't be your fault then.

    Re: the boy threatening to kill you. GET A DOG! I knew a couple whose son actually DID return to the house about a month after leaving and was planning to stab both parents to death. The tiny little dog began barking, woke the parents, and alerted them that someone was in the house.

    The son ended up in prison.

    Your hubby's family is enabling this child to behave in this unacceptable manner. I suspect that your MIL is trying to protect this child. She is going about it all wrong, but a grandparent's love for their grandchild is blind.

    There are whacky dynamics in your hubby's extended family. You can't solve this.

    There is a book about Emotional Blackmail. I'll see if I can find the author. I'm also suggesting that you read Cutting Loose. It doesn't give the solutions, but it helps you to recognize the manipulations.

    I'm sending you a big hug. I know that this has to be so very hurtful. You give that spoiled brat power if he can see your hurt. You can't control his behavior, but you can change your reaction to his stunts.

    Another option is to buy tickets for some Christmas performance for Christmas Eve. Do something FUN. It will drive that step son nuts. He won't be getting the reaction that he is aiming for---he wants you upset.
    [This Message was Edited on 12/15/2006]
  9. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    I will not let my stepson in the house should he come while my husband is at work. I do not trust him one iota and don't know what he might do...he is involved with drugs/alcohol, etc. No way would I be alone with him.

    Take whatever steps necessary to protect yourself emotionally and most importantly, physically.

    I have another friend who is afraid of her stepson and also will not let him in while his father is not home.

    It is serious.

    Please take caution in all this...

  10. Pottersclay

    Pottersclay New Member

    I have always gotten along with my step-mother. What makes it hard is all of a sudden she wanted to have a "his" and "hers" Christmases. She would say there are too many people to have over having "His" (my dads children) over. My sister is single with NO children, my brother lives in Florida and hasn't been home for the holidays in years, then there is my family...2 adults and 4 kids.

    My sister got invited one year to my step-sisters house for Christmas becasue our step-mother found out my sister had no place to go after she left my house after the morning visit. My sister thinks my dads children and grandchildren are not invited because our step-mother spends alot more on HER kids and grandkids, PLUS my dad and step-mother drag their gifts to each other over the my step-sisters home too. Thus making it too "crowded" for six people more. After several years of this it is starting to wear thin. Can't help hurts.

    Don't know what to say...some blended families work...some don't.
  11. IowaMorningGlory

    IowaMorningGlory New Member

    My family is blended and it almost ruined my marriage. So I know exactly where you are coming from.

    My husband and I got custody of his 10year old daughter two months after we were married. Dumb move, but necessary for her. My boys at that time were 6 and 8, and they were so scared of her they wouldn't sleep in there room they slept downstairs on the couch!

    She was horrible and we did do counseling and scared straight with year for years. At age 14 I gave my husband an ultimatum, either her or me. He choose her. I would have chose my kids to if given an ultimatum so I understand. In Jan. 2003 we gave custody of her to my husbands brother hoping a different environment would help. Nope, she could not change by then, it was too late.

    My husband realizes he is not a good father when it comes to his daughter. He does not like conflict, he does have too much guilt. He will never change either.

    Ultimately it all comes down to how much does your husband respect you. If he does he will not let his family treat you that way and should tell them so. My husband now sticks up for me and realizes the hell I went through for so many years. His daughter would threaten me, my boys, call me horrible names, would lie, steal and was as lazy (still is) as they come.

    The problem is, you can't make him change the way he is. He has to do it.

    Have you sat down and talked with him so he knows exactly how YOU feel about the whole situation? If not maybe write him a letter explaining. Sometimes this worked better for my husband and I. But whatever you do you have to talk about how you and him both feel or it will eat away at your marriage.

    I wish you luck and want you to take care of yourself.
    Blessed Be & Kitten Hugs,
  12. octavia7

    octavia7 New Member

    Thank you for your response, i would think i might like to read that book, or better yet read it for my hubby. He knows what is going on but does not want to deal with it. I have tried to tell him that if he lets this happen this year it will set the presidence for every holiday to come. He thinks he has won the battle but he hasn't. I guess he was shocked when his dad told him that if I was not wanted there, then he would not be there either. I give my husband alot of credit for standing up for me. I wish people could understand how hard it is to be in my situation. Everyone wants to remember all the bad and forget about the good things that happened. I am really hurt by my MIL for doing this and would like to say something but I don't think it would go well and what would it accomplish, I know in my heart what is truth and what are the lies that this step son is saying about me to everyone and i guess as long as I know, I did all I could given what I had before me, i did the best I could.

    I would like to know what some of the men out there have to say about this. please give me some feedback, thanks,

  13. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
    by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier
    See if your local library has it.

    Octavia7. Another of my life's lessons rules is a follows:
    Don't try to make sense out of senseless acts by senseless people. You will run your brain around in circles and you will never get an answer. Why can't you get an answer??? Because what they are doing makes no sense!
  14. octavia7

    octavia7 New Member

    Hi, thanks so much for telling me about the book. I went to my library and got it. I hope it will help me and my husband( if I can get him to even look at it).

    Well guess what? My ss lied about the whole Christmas Eve and having to work. I told my husband that he had planned it out that way and he kind of agreed. Now the boy wants money to go to college. My hubby didn't tell me until I heard a phone conversation and then I asked him about it.

    Where does all of this stop!!! If he keeps giving him what he wants nothing will ever change but he is using emotional blackmail on him. Tried to tell my hubby that but he doesn't want to deal with it again, as usual.

    He doesn't know yet but I scheduled a counseling session for us next week. I can't go on living like this. Always wondering when the next time he wants something is he always going to give in to him. I believe that he will until he has finally had enough, but for some people it never comes. I want my life back and I'm so sick of other people trying to control everything.

    any words of encouragement would help. Thanks again about the book.

  15. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    It took my hubby a couple of years to FINALLY understand the manipulative garbage his mother was pulling on me.

    After he realized it, then he wanted to go too far in the opposite direction!

    So I ended up being the conduit between the two of them---even though my MIL never understood this. Life is crazy. Families are even crazier.

    We got counseling way back then (this is decades ago). It helped give us the tools to work as a team and conquer the guilt trips from my MIL.

    some of the main things that I remember from 29 years ago at the counseling sessions were:

    Have a secret signal between the two of you that one of you need help NOW.

    know that the best thing to do sometimes is to remove the audience (you).

    Don't explain to an irrational person, they will just find the weakest part of your explanation and drill away on you with that point.

    You will get exhausted attempting to justify. Instead, find a 5 or 6 word statement that expresses your view point and just keep repeating it. period. No matter what they say, just keep repeating it. You are changing the rules of their game. it will throw them off course with their normal hurtful games.

    Expect it to get worse before it gets better. People will do more of the SAME THING in attempt to make the old solution still work. Knowing this seems to help cope with the nonsense.

    My hubby reading the book "cutting loose" helped too.

    Somehow, it really seems to help when you realize that someone is attempting to manipulate you----and you recognize the antics from reading them in a book. You don't have to question your position or your conclusion----you know it is REAL and that you are RIGHT for not putting up with the garbage and playing their game.

    [This Message was Edited on 12/28/2006]