Please help, anyone with a child in college.

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by cjcookie, May 30, 2007.

  1. cjcookie

    cjcookie New Member

    My son is 18 and a freshman in college. He is coming home for the summer and feels that since he had no rules at college and could stay out all night that it is silly that I want him to have a curfew of 2 a.m. Yes, 2 a.m. He claims I am just trying to keep him away from his girlfriend that I don't like. While it's true I'm not fond of her because of things she has done to him, this is not the reason for the curfew. If he had it his way, he would stay at her house all night, come home and sleep all day and start again. I also want him to get a job for the summer. His Dad and I both spent several thousand dollars last year for him (money I didn't have) and I just don't think it's fair that he just sleeps away the summer.

    He thinks I'm trying to control his life. Tried to throw every guilt trip at me in the book (doesn't work any more).

    What have those of you that have college kids done in the past? I don't think 2 a.m. is unreasonable. I told him most adults that go on dates come home by that time.

    The funniest thing he said to me was that the rules also applied to me. I'm from the Fibromyalgia board - if I had the energy to go out every night until 2 a.m., I would be sending my cure to everyone there is with my disease. Heck, since I've had Fibro, I've only been out until 2 a.m. once and that was when I was at a friend's watching a movie and she was helping me do my laundry.

    Please help - any advice would be appreciated.
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    sit down and go over the family finances. My teenage son was shocked when I had him watch me pay the bills.

    "You see. All these bills must be paid before there is money to have fun with."
  3. mollystwin

    mollystwin New Member

    He needs to get a job for the summer. It's not unreasonable to expect him to do that. Rockgor's advice was good. Show him the bills! He throws guilt trips on you, toss a few back!!

    One thing that worked for me with my kids ( with different issues) is that I told them just how much their actions hurt my feelings. Because it really did. They had never thought about it that way before and it made them think about what they were doing and saying and how it affected my feelings. It wasn't a thought out plan or anything. One day it just kind of came out of my mouth. And it worked.

    2:00am is not an unreasonabel curfew either. Tell him you will be home then if he will. Same rules. LOL.

  4. sisland

    sisland New Member

    I totaly agree! He needs to get a job and help pay rent and utilities and food bills for the summer! Thats the only way they learn! Rock is 100% right!,,,,,,,,

    Mom of 3 now 2 former college grads! They were 100% exspected to work during the summers and they all did,,,But yes they got to go out with their friends also and do lots of fun things,

    Although i never put curfews on them, they always somehow Balanced work and Fun!,,,,,,,,,,,Some summer work hours can be like the afternoon shift,,,say 3pm to 11pm and then they still have time to have fun too,,,,,,,,,,,

    I just had to make sure their Fast food( Restaurant Uniforms )were clean and ready to go for the next day,,etc,,,,,,,,,,Good luck!,,,,,,,,Sisland
    [This Message was Edited on 05/30/2007]
  5. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i had to pay 200 a month for rent at my parents home, plus come home cook dinner for my sister, father and work full'time year round...and college full-time...

    i do not agree to go to that extreme...but you have a certain amount of one said you have to pay for her college at all....student loans is what they call it...

    he could move out of the house and rent a place and see what the real world is like,

    he is still an adult...but yu have to decide what works for you're house rules. and if he doesn't like it..the he can always move out and have all the freedom and responbilities he wants....lessons in life.

    i know i had a curfew of 2 am when it was my senior year...but after that i do not recall...

    my dad did tell me at the age of 16, if i get thrown in jail for drugs or alcohol don't call him he wasn't going to bail me out.....good lesson there i say.

    said that same thing for my son.

    well gonna go you work it out i am sure.

  6. mollystwin

    mollystwin New Member

    Hi Molly. You have a typo in your post. Rachel is 18 not 10!
  7. laceymae

    laceymae New Member

    My 18 year-old just moved back from college, she is back in my house under my rules.
    She does work,which is a good thing, but I don't ask her to pay for anything.
    On the other hand, my 28 year-old just moved back home after a divorce, He is under the same 12midnight curfew that the 18year-old is.
    So many of my friends are having this problem after they come back home. I tell my kids if you don't like my rules you can leave, I haven't seen the door shut behind them yet. They like to tell me that the other one isn't happy living here, I guess to get my reaction, I just smile and say, "I'm not real happy about it either"
  8. Pottersclay

    Pottersclay New Member

    We have told our kids that as long as they live under our roof they have to abide by our rules. No exception. Another rule is as long as they are in college they do not have to pay rent, BUT if they choose to not go to college then they DO have to pay rent. My father did that and it worked...except for curfews.

    Curfews were a problem sometimes. I double dated so I wasn't the driver which put me in a pickle. My brother, my dad was a little more lenient with but mainly when my brother got into his twenties. My brother had moved in and out of the house several times till he got married and stayed out. A lot of the times my brother was out really late was because of the job he had at the time though.

    A rule we told our daughter who will be a freshmen in the fall is that SHE has to pay for college. We can't afford it. So far...she has gotten enough scholarships to pay for the first two years for free. One scholarship is $1,000 a year for four years. She wants to be a veterinarian. Hello eight years of college! Now to find a job....
  9. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    You are right, all my children, three two boys one girl. All worked after school as well as college. Strangly, their curfew was 2am as well when they hit eighteen!

    There is nothing wrong with what you expect from your son, you are right, he is wrong.

    His girlfriend is not looking toward any future is she? what does she expect if this love affair turns into a permanent arrangement? Is SHE going to let him stay up all night and sleep all day without working????

    I made my sons all pay board, not much, but enough to teach them to be responsible adults. They are grown now, and they are responsible people.

    They actually thank me for what I did back them, although one of my son's thought I was 'terrible' at the time :)

    Stick to your guns, it will make a man of him!

    Shalom, Shirl
  10. ksp56

    ksp56 Member

    Two a.m. was her time to be home. If something came up and she wanted to spend the night with a friend, I had her call. Of course she had been use to her own rules, and we fought all summer! She did not win though! LOL

    After that year, we set no curfew, she also had friends who I knew and trusted. However, she was asked to call if she was going to be out into the very wee hours of the morning. She did well with this.

    Your son is testing boundaries and trying to be a 'man'. He just needs to be reminded of who is really in charge, and just how he got to college. Jobs do make a huge difference!

    Good luck! It's a typical scenerio!


  11. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    Your rules are not up for debate. YOU own the house and are graciously allowing him to stay with you. If he doesn't acknowledge and honor your curfew rules, then tell him he has to find somewhere else to live for the summer.

    Keep the monkey on HIS back; don't let him dump it on your back. Your rules are simple and very reasonable. If the infractions continue, change the locks on the doors so he can't just walk in at anytime.

    I'd make darn sure that he got a summer job too.

    Your son is attempting to carry the same status position that you hold. He is telling you that the rules also apply to you. He needs to understand that YOU determine the rules for him---and the rules are for HIM---not YOU!

    If he doesn't like it, tell him to go elsewhere because he can't reside in your home if he doesn't respect the rules.
  12. mujuer

    mujuer New Member

    if he gets a job that starts in the morning, that will curtail his wanderings late at night. I have two boys in college. One has a full-time job in the day and goes to school at night. The other goes to school full-time in the day and works after school and all thru the summer. They both live away from home and it has been wonderful to watch them become independent men. They both know the value of money now and what it is like to be away from good old dependable mom and dad. They only come home now for visits and as hard as that is on me and my missing them, it has made them become independent.
  13. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    Where does your husband stand with all of this?

    I think you and your husband need to present a untied front.

    You don't apologize. You simply state the rules. If you are paying for his college, tell him he has to earn the $ for all the "other expenses".

    I'm a firm believer in natural consequences. If he isn't home by 2, I'd have an extra lock on the door so he couldn't get in.

    If he stays out all night, he would find his posessions on the front lawn when he did arrive home.

    If he doesn't save up money for all the "extras" at college, well---then he will have to go without.

    Don't threaten something and then not follow through with the consequences. Don't nag (not saying that you do).

    State your rule and the consequence. Then, the ball is in his court. LOTS of college kids get "cocky" when they first experience the "freedom" of college. Too many times they have this expectation of entitlement.

    He is old enough to make decisions, so he is old enough to deal with the consequences of his decisions. Actions speak every bit as loud as words; sometimes I think they even speak louder than words.

    It is your home, your rules. I think 2 AM is VERY fair for curfew. This is just common respect for you and your husband. If he doesn't like it-----let him find somewhere else to live where they don't care what the rules are.

    I wouldn't compromise on this. You don't threaten, you just give the consequence. he will try to lay a guilt trip on you (that is the manipulative child coming out in him). Just quietly keep restating your rule. "Curfew was at 2 AM". Don't let him drag you into a justifying game with him. Keep the sentence short and say it almost monotone.

    He needs to get the message that he is NOT in the driver's seat----and he needs to respect your rules or get out.