Please help... don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by diva2mi, Nov 20, 2005.

  1. diva2mi

    diva2mi New Member

    Right now, I am so angry with myself for all the bad decisions I have made this year. And I made another one tonight. And it had its consequences. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and kicked him out of the apartment. He has told me that I am the least classy person he knows because I did this. He is an alcoholic and a verbally abusive alcoholic. I lived with it for 10 months before I wised up.

    He recently lost his job and his abuse has been bad ever since, this is the reason for me sending him away. He blames me for everything that has gone wrong in his life, I just met him last year, and tells me that I am no good. I felt sorry for him because of his alcoholism and have tried to keep in touch with him while he was living in a crappy hotel. I am over him, I just didn't want to be the reason he really goes on a binge. I had momentarily forgotten that alcoholics don't need a reason for their binging...

    Well, tonight he knocked on my back door at 2:30 am. He was so drunk he couldn't stand up. I let him in to sober up (my last mistake in this relationship) and he started in on me about how horrible a person I am and wouldn't leave. He refused to go more than once. I warned him that I would call the cops... he dared me to call them. One thing he never learned about me is that you don't dare me to do something :) Well, I let it go on for a little while, hoping that he would calm down enough to just understand what I was asking him to do... leave. He refused yet again. I called the cops. Of course, according to him, it was my fault for doing so.

    Well, while waiting for the cops (he didn't believe that I called them) he said that Fibromyalgia is a fake disease and that I am lazy (I go to school full time for a Ph.D. and usually work two or three jobs to make ends meet). He would also steal the medicine I was taking at any one moment (didn't find this out till later in the relationship) just to get some sort of buzz... His bad luck, the med he took the most was for my UTIs. He had stolen my Darvocet during last winter when my pain was bad... it goes on and on.

    I told him that he was not to come back until he was sober and he had to come back with his father to get his stuff... I didn't want him back here again... HIS cats refused to even come out to him... My Lilly was the only one, and he nearly killed her by sitting on her. I really don't want pity, just a few hugs and any recommendations on how to go on from here. I already had trust issues before him, now I am not sure that I can trust anyone again.

    What really worried me was that he told me tonight that he wanted to die. He said that he had lived a good life drinking and abusing drugs, now he just wants to die. I think this is why I was trying to give him some sort of benefit of the doubt. I don't really want to see him die.

    I did something different in this relationship... I let things move fast for a change... I was tired of being a conservative person. I just did it with the wrong person. Well, this was long, thanks for letting me vent... I just worry alot about too much. Thanks for "listening".
  2. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    You can not help those who will not help themselves.

    My Dad had taken the alcohol route when I was young.To this day I do not know how my Mom put up with it all.

    When my daughter His first granddaughter was born.He came to the hospital feeling good.I went to the nursery told them to close the drapes they did.

    I looked at Dad and told him you will never meet her.She will not go through what I did.

    He turned and left.He was missing for 6 months.When he returned he was sober .He went to a cousins and told her what I had did.She told him shes right and John the only one that can help you is you.And he did help himself.He got to meet his granddaughter.

    He became a counselor for AA

    I don't know what I'm trying to say.I think I'm letting you know that what ever he does is not your fault.He needs to help himself.

    My thoughts are with you today.

    Hang in there.
    {{{{{{{ Gentle Hugs }}}}}}}}
    Sue

  3. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    I was in an alcoholic relationship for 11 years and I wish I had left at the beginning. The alcoholic will self destruct and do his best to take you with him, it's a hard fight.

    He's using emotional blackmail about wanting to die, maybe he does, he's certainly going about it the right way but that is his responsibility and that is his choice.

    And if his wee cats don't want to see him then that says it all.

    You need to break all your ties with this man and get on with your studies and your life.

    Good luck.

    love
    Rosie
  4. cindymindy

    cindymindy New Member

    Wow, what a beautiful story! I know it took a remarkable amount of strength to do what you did. And to hear of such an outcome sent chills threw me.
    My parents were alcoholics and I am one also. I thank God I found AA. I'm know my kids suffered alot due to my disease but at least they have gotten to see their mom and dad sober.(their dad is also now sober)
    Its a whole new world for us out there and I'm so glad to hear your dad is now enjoying it also. Having grandkids must play a big role in it for us. When our first one came thats when we started working on becoming sober and happy too.
    Thank you for such an inspiring story. Around the Holidays its especially good for us to hear good things that give us the strength to stay sober.
    God Bless you,
    Cindy

    [This Message was Edited on 11/21/2005]
  5. KelB

    KelB New Member

    It sounds to me like you've done more than enough to try and help this person. Taking him in drunk in the small hours is way beyond what he ought to expect from you.

    Addicts are users - not just of the substances they abuse, but also of the people around them. By now, your ex will know every one of your buttons and how to push them. First he makes you feel worthless, then he starts in about how bad you've treated him, now he's talking about dieing and so it goes on. He doesn't have a good life drinking and taking drugs - he has a miserable, worthless life and any amount of care from you can't make that right.

    The bottom line is that he WILL die if he doesn't get clean - but that's his call, not yours. You can't decide for him. The only way he'll clean up is if he makes that decision for himself and works on it with support from an organisation like AA. There's only so much you can do and boy, you've done it and then some.

    An addictive person will find any manner of drugs/drinks/people/excuses to use as props. The only way you can deal with this is to stop being his prop and stop him using you.

    It's tough love but that's what he needs, not further reinforcement that he can run to you whenever he gets in a mess.

    You're such an amazing person to have got this far with him. You deserve the time and space to look after yourself and I hope you find a way of getting it.

    (((HUGS)))
  6. Gail8899

    Gail8899 New Member

    I married my first husband because I thought I could save him from himself, but not only could I not change his drinking, I very nearly got myself and my two boys killed when he lost it one day after 7 1/2 years of marriage and held a loaded shotgun on us.

    The whole time we were married and I said I was leaving he would start with how he was going to kill himself if I left. He is still living, and still drinking after several heart attacks, and strokes. I do not speak to him, or have anything at all to do with him, and I do not feel sorry for him anymore either.

    My advice to you would be to pack up his things, take them to his dad, and do not have anything else to do with him. He knows he is a low life and that's why he says the things he does to you. Making you feel small makes him feel big!

    Of course you don't want to see him die, but the plain truth is that you can not stop him from it. Staying in any kind of contact with him will end up killing you on the inside. I've been there, and I know! It was years before I could take a compliment, and believe it. It was even longer before I figured out that I was a somebody, and had something to offer others!

    ..Gail

  7. Dee50

    Dee50 New Member

    Good for you.

    You knew what to do and you did it.

    Change the locks,

    Go to the police department and ask for a protective order.

    It's easyer and quicker than a restraining order that you have to go before a judge to get.

    I'm guessing your police departments can do this for you. In Idaho they will.

    Police there while he gets his junk out of your home, you may need to wear some ear plugs while he is getting his stuff out.

    Make sure your "give a darn is busted" like the song says.
    Don't even bother to look back...Lesson learned.. Life is to short.

    Give yourself a big hug and pat on the back. Your life just got a whole lot better the second your "give a darn got busted" Trust me he will find a new person to pray on.

    Take care and you are in my prayers
    Dee50
  8. risinforce

    risinforce New Member

    Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am begging you!!!!!! If I lived right next to you I would lock your doors and hold vigal in your house to make sure you NEVER let this man back in your life.

    I don't care how much you love him, nobody who says they "love" you (if he even said that, I didn't read that far, way to angry) treats people like this. Please cut all ties w/this person. Change your phone #, locks on doors, whatever it takes so this person can never enter your home again. If he does, call the cops. Don't let him in, even if he swears upon the bible that he's sober.

    Addicts will lie, lie, lie to get what they want. So will abusers. Nobody, even healthy people deserve to be treated horribly. I am sick because of verbal and emotional abuse. That is how I got FM.

    When I hear about people being treated like this it makes me want to scream. I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you then make sure you are protected and stay strong.

    Just remember this always: This person has most likely beaten you down to make you think you are a small person and you aren't. You are strong, beautiful, deserve better and better is out there. Being alone is better than being around this. Alcoholism is a desease and until he desides to help himself, no one can help him. Take care of yourself first and always.

    I will pray for you to stay strong and safe and that god will keep you under his light.

    Hugs sweetie and remember you are wonderful and deserve the best!

    Shawn
    p.s. sorry for my outrage, this is a sore subject
  9. diva2mi

    diva2mi New Member

    I wish I could respond to each response individually, but I don't have that energy right now... I only slept and hour and ahalf last night. Just knowing that I have the support of my FMS / CFIDS family is great right now. I didn't know who else to turn to as my father, stepmother and grandmother have heard about this for too long. will answer personally later today.

    This is a time that I need to be strong, but instead I am going through one of my worst flares ever and will be by myself at Thanksgiving (by choice... couldn't make the trip out to NM for just two days... my stepmother is angry about that). I just hope that my ex does as he says and goes home today... though I doubt that he will... he has told nothing but lies since we met.

    SO thanks from the bottom of my heart for all of your pep talks, understanding and love... THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  10. rbecca47

    rbecca47 New Member

    i am not going to tell you what to do. I am just going to offer my support. I have been where you are. And i know how hard it is to think there is nothing you can do for this man. But in reality there is nothing you can do. He has to do it on his own. You have the strength to tell him to leave, now stay strong and stand you ground. You are the important one. You have to take care of yourself. I will keep you in my prayers stay strong. hugs to you
    becca
  11. Dee50

    Dee50 New Member

    I'm holding you up to the LORD.

    Peace be with you
    Dee50
  12. diva2mi

    diva2mi New Member

    Thanks so much for your concern and support. I am much stronger than I was Sunday night. I think it was because he surpised me at 2:30 a.m. and that I had already taken my sleeping aide for the night.

    It has been a battle for me to see this young man who has so much promise do nothing with his life, except drink whenever he has the chance. There was some guilt about kicking him out, since I know he would have no restrictions at that point and would be able to sink very low. I am over the guilt now.

    I have realized for awhile that this is of his own doing and I guess I just didn't want to believe it. But now I do. Vilke, you are right he does have a father and mother. His father is an alcoholic and his mother is bi-polar and they are divorced, living in two different parts of the country. When his mother and him had problems as a young child, he moved up to his father's place. He doesn't talk to her but once or twice a year. (which is his fault, his mother tried to call at least once a month).

    I am not a parent and have no right to say anything about his parents, but his father doesn't seem to understand the situation and / or doesn't know what to do. I have tried reaching out to his father, but his father sends him more emails and money.

    I have been trying to save my ex for 11 months, and am a little embarrased that I have waited this long to do something about it. However, his actions have taken a toll on my friendships, my work and my studies. I could not allow this to happen anymore.

    I don't want to defend him anymore, so I guess the above is just an explanation of why I was trying so hard. It is time for his family to heal some wounds if possible and for him to go home to New Jersey. Which is what is going to happen this week, or so he says. I won't believe him until he is on the plane.

    Thank you for your inspirational stories about people revoering, and for your stories of your pain. I cannot imagine what it must be like to go through your situations, especially with children. I know it was difficult for all who have gone through similar situations. I will pray for you as you have been praying for me. I don't know what I would have done without this board for the past year... your support of not only this situation, but other situations as well is amazing.

    You have helped me and others through so much, and I definitely feel stronger for it. I am healing as well, spent all day yesterday doing nothing much but resting. Today, I have to get up and greet the world, and my students, then I will have some down time for the rest of the week.

    You know it is very weird for me, this was one of the lowest points of my life, I would say right up there with taking care of my grandfather and mother as they were dying over the period of a couple of months. I would change bandages for them and help them change clothes and be there to listen when they needed and when I could help them... My grandfather lived so very far away and I was a senior in high school when he passed, so I could only help physically with him during vacations. And my mother, I am sure I could have done more, as I was a senior in college as she was going downhill and died that summer after.

    Well, this is turning into a book, and I meant to just come on and say hello and thanks to everyone who responded. Take care and have a great Thanksgiving.[This Message was Edited on 11/22/2005]
  13. diva2mi

    diva2mi New Member

    so those who responded can see my thanks!!!
  14. Moonshyne

    Moonshyne New Member

    Blessings and love to you .... I've been where you are..!
    The best wisdom I can give you is let him go... he is what he is and that won't likely change unless he wants it to. My ex was an alcoholic... he often threatened suicide.. usually to get my attention or pity. He's still sitting on the same barstool I left him on 10 years ago and living in denial.

    You cannot help him.. he has to want to help himself. He is a very sick man,... and you need to understand that. Don't try to help him either, he'll only blame you for that too.

    I wish you the strength and courage you will need to let him go and keep moving forward...