Please Help, How do I handle this, I feel BAD

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by WifeHasFMS, Sep 20, 2002.

  1. WifeHasFMS

    WifeHasFMS New Member

    Hi everybody,

    I'm new as of 2 days ago. As I stated my wife has FMS. In the beginning I did not understand the effects of it. At her job, a beautician, she is around people all day. She is very pleasant to EVERYBODY, not a mean streak in her. I read in one message you do not like to be around a crowd of people. By the time her 8-10 hour day is over, she does not want to be bothered. I now understand why she feels that way. I used to get upset feeling she did not want to be around me. She never told me that FMS bother her like this. I never realized it was from the FMS. She is not a complainer. I wish there was something I could do or could be done. She can not tell any customers NO and in the end she is over worked.
    Does anybody have any suggestions. We even have a whirlpool in our master bath and I tell her I will fill it up for her to get in when she gets home but she can not lye down and relax. It's wearing her out. I appreciate any suggestions. I wish there was something I could do for her that would help. I have suggested a certain type of tea that I found and supposidly helps FMS, forget off the top of my head I had printed it out for her. She got upset and told me she tried all types of teas. I told her that this was supposidly new but she did not look at it. I know she is frustraited and when I try to suggest something that I found when researching it she does not want to hear about it. I may be wrong but maybe she just feels I am not a dr. so how could I know what to do? I do not know what to do but am researching it and trying to find suggestions from others with FMS. Where do I go from here?

    Thank you,

    WifeHasFMS
  2. WifeHasFMS

    WifeHasFMS New Member

    Hi everybody,

    I'm new as of 2 days ago. As I stated my wife has FMS. In the beginning I did not understand the effects of it. At her job, a beautician, she is around people all day. She is very pleasant to EVERYBODY, not a mean streak in her. I read in one message you do not like to be around a crowd of people. By the time her 8-10 hour day is over, she does not want to be bothered. I now understand why she feels that way. I used to get upset feeling she did not want to be around me. She never told me that FMS bother her like this. I never realized it was from the FMS. She is not a complainer. I wish there was something I could do or could be done. She can not tell any customers NO and in the end she is over worked.
    Does anybody have any suggestions. We even have a whirlpool in our master bath and I tell her I will fill it up for her to get in when she gets home but she can not lye down and relax. It's wearing her out. I appreciate any suggestions. I wish there was something I could do for her that would help. I have suggested a certain type of tea that I found and supposidly helps FMS, forget off the top of my head I had printed it out for her. She got upset and told me she tried all types of teas. I told her that this was supposidly new but she did not look at it. I know she is frustraited and when I try to suggest something that I found when researching it she does not want to hear about it. I may be wrong but maybe she just feels I am not a dr. so how could I know what to do? I do not know what to do but am researching it and trying to find suggestions from others with FMS. Where do I go from here?

    Thank you,

    WifeHasFMS
  3. karen2002

    karen2002 New Member

    Hi--You do indeed sound like a wonderful, and caring husband! I am so fortunate, that I, too....have a great guy of 26 years to be concerned and help in my care. Most of the time, I appreciate his help, but there are those times...I, too get aggravated! I do not know how your wife is keeping up that pace. All I can say about that is...be ready to catch her if she falls. Some of us have been programmed to work our tails off---and I guess in a way, it also is a form of denial. It probably takes all her energy and determination, just to keep up that pace, and when she arrives home, she just wants and needs to vegetate...so she can recoup and do it all over again, tommorrow. I would say, always offer that helping hand...and if she declines, just put it away in your pocket. Don't take it as a personal rejection.....she is just not up to one more task...( even undressing and climbing into a whirlpool can be a chore) after her taxing day.
    You are a great guy---keep up the support!
    Karen
  4. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    I understand your frustration from wanting to help your wife and her not wanting the help. One of my sons has a chronic illness and it is often a battle to help him do the things he is supposed to do to remain healthy.

    The main thing about most people is that even though those around them want to do anything to do to help, and you are very special for wanting to do so, we will only accept help when WE are ready to do so.

    So, as frustraing as it may be for you, I suggest that you keep researching, but not share it with her, until she's at a point that she is ready to accept help. That way you will understand some of her behaviors better and when she is ready to hear or read about it you will already have it.

    I think you might want to invest in Devin Starlanyl's book, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain. It is full of info and if it's lying around the house your wife may decide to pick it up sometimes and read bits and pieces of it.

    Hang in there and keep supporting her, but ask her before you do things to try to help her. She may think you no longer feel she is capable of doing things (and that may be correct) and therefore dig her heels in further to prove that she CAN do those things. Some of us wear ourselves out trying to be normal before we are ready to accept the help we need,

    Best of luck to you,
    Barbara
  5. TeresaBnGA

    TeresaBnGA New Member

    Hi,
    I know this is hurting you and that you really want to help her, but I think that the worst thing to do is keep suggesting things to her.
    I have this dreaded disease myself and have a husband that wants to help. If she is anything like me, by the time she gets home her anxiety level is through the roof and the best thing is just to tell her to do what makes her feel good and that you will be there if she needs you.
    For goodness sake don't keep pestering her, that makes the anxiety worse. And if she is anything like me she just needs a quiet place to gather herself. Just back off and wait for her to ask you for help. I don't mean to sound harsh in anyway, I just know what this disease does to me and my anxiety level.
    Hope this helps. You sound like a wonderful husband!!!!

    Soft hugs!
    Teresa :)
    [This Message was Edited on 09/20/2002]
  6. caring

    caring New Member

    You are a very caring person, it must be very frustrating for you to watch your wife.

    I really can't tell you how your wife feels and to try and guess what's in her insides would be wrong for me as I think it is for anyone to do this.

    I only know how I feel and my suggestion is to let your wife know how you feel and how the fms is effecting you.

    My suggestion would be to do this in written forum. I sometimes am more receptive to that than words. It might be worth a try and it also might help you to put it down on paper. If you decide to let her read it that's up to you.

    Having said that the worse thing my husband can do is get into his "perfect" mode and "nothing upsets him" give me a break!!! That makes me feel all the more imperfect and does nothing for me but make me feel worse in every way.

    The best thing he can do his give me a hug and a kiss and tell me he loves me.

    One more thing and then I'll be still. One day I was voicing the fact that I was such a witch and expected him to say "no, you're not" What he said was "you have been today but you are MY Witch!!" for whatever reason that made me feel good. Maybe it was his honesty.

    Blessings to you and yours.
    pat
  7. WifeHasFMS

    WifeHasFMS New Member

    I feel so much better knowing what you all have told me. I thought maybe I was reacting wrong.


    Barbara,

    My wife has some book. I'll have to look around and see just what they are on FMS. If I do not come accross "Devin Starlanyl's book, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain", I will purchase it. Thank you.


    Teresa,

    I think she's just like you. Thank you for telling me this. I used to feel she was mad at me but finally figured out that she is not. She must just be so frustrated. I can not say I understand because I do not have it but I will try my hardest to just let her go and be there when she needs me. And you're right. I do keep suggesting things, but did not realize it would bother her. I felt if I did nothing that would hurt inside.

    I had epilepsy since 10 months old. She married me knowing this. I found out almost 2 years ago that I was candidate for brain surgery. I wanted to have it done, just knowing the possabilities of our lives improving if it was a success. She drove me and our children (son and daughter) everywhere for 11 years. Since surgery I've had NO SEIZURES. My driver's license has been reinstated 7 months ago. I can now run errands for her and pick the kids up from school. I know that is a big weight lifted off of her shoulders. If it were not for her I probably would have never had brain surgery. She told me it was a big decision but she would support me no matter what I decided. What made me decide to go through with it was knowing I had an 80% chance to become seizure-free what a relief it would be for her not to have to do all of the running and I would be able to take my children places, just them and me, by ourselves.

    Thanks,

    WifeHasFMS
  8. swen

    swen New Member

    but it sounds like your wife has had to be very strong over the last 11 years and shouldered the responsibility of taking care of the family. She is probably terrified of letting go and acknowledging her illness. Does she have a close friend or family member who could talk to her. Sometimes people will talk more openly with someone other than the person directly involved. She needs to give herself permission to be sick, to know that it's not a sign of weakness.
    I don't know if this helps at all.
    Take care,
    Chris S
    [This Message was Edited on 09/20/2002]
  9. TeddiAnn

    TeddiAnn New Member

    Dear kind husband,

    How long has she had the diagnosis of FMS? If it is a new diagnosis she maybe overwhelmed with grief and anger. I had to work full time because I was the breadwinnder and head of the household. My employer refused to acknowldege that I had been diagnosed with FMS and for six years accused me of faking illness when I was frequently out sick.
    Even if she hadn't had to go through any of that it is still a hard pill to swallow. I finally quit my job and we moved accross the country. I haven't gone back to work yet but I hope to. As mothers and wives we sometimes think that it is our job to fix everything and so when our bodies betray us we or I felt I had lost control. It is an issue with a lot of us with FMS/MPS and CFS. The nicest thing my husband could do for me when I got home was to leave me alone for about an hour. I needed time to get away from the frustration of work and physical punishment on my body that it took just to go to work everyday.

    I have and use the book by Devin Starlanyl but sometimes it is too technical for me to follow. I just checked out a new book that I also like that is called, "New hope for people with Fibromyalgia" written by Theresa Foy DiGeronimo. It covers medical treatments, alternative treatments and Fibromyalgia and life relationships and much more. I wish both of you my best.
    [This Message was Edited on 09/20/2002]
  10. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Your wife is probably in denial and trying to carry on just like she did before she got sick. By the time she gets home, she just needs to be left to her own devices to cope. Bless your heart for being so sweet and caring.

    It was horrible for my poor Mom to watch me suffer when she moved in with me. She couldn't even give me a hug when I was very sick because of my sensitivity to touch. I had to just stay in my room and be left alone. I know how hard this was for her.

    Denial only works for so long before your wife will have to come to terms with the fact that she can't keep up this pace at work. Unfortunately, by that time, she will have made herself sicker and it will be harder for her to improve her health. I know because I did the same thing.

    I know how hard it is to just let her be when she comes home, but right now, that's probably the best strategy. You are in my prayers.

    Love, Mikie
  11. WifeHasFMS

    WifeHasFMS New Member

    When she comes home I do not bother her. I let her do what she wants and not suggest what she should do. I try to keep the kids occupied to give her some space. Of course they can not wait to see her especially on the days they had school since thet have not seen her all day.

    I would hug and kiss her just about everytime she/I comes home or one of us are leaving. At times it hurts her shoulders when I put my arms around her neck. She did not always tell me but I saw a look of pain in her eyes when hugging her. Then she started telling me that it hurt her shoulders when I hugged her. I now just give her a kiss without pressing on her shoulders. At first I was upset. I thought the look of pain was because she just hugged me because I wanted a hug and she did not care. It really bothered me. Now that I know it was from me hurting her shoulders I feel bad. But I now know that it was not that she did not want a kiss from me it was the pain in her shoulders from me touching them. I would have never guessed that it could have caused her pain. I did not put allot of pressure on them but it must not take much.


    Thanks,

    WifeHasFMS
  12. saffie02

    saffie02 New Member

    dear you are a true saint . i have gotten about as oppositereaction from my hubbie as you can get .your wife is sooooo lucky . the dr cut my work and told me to walk with a caneand my husband just dont get it. again your wife is a very lucky lady. you may not be a dr. but love and support can often be the best medicine
  13. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    From what I've read and observed from personal experience, most men want to "fix" problems for their family; to protect them; to shelter them against pain and danger. You cannot fix this problem, I fear, but you seem to be the kind of man who will be there when your wife has to admit that she needs help. She does seem to be having a problem letting you help her, but I understand this. Her job is important to her, as mine is for me. I am a nurse and she and I both serve others. When I come home, I just want to be alone and to clear my mind. I do not want to speak. I especially don't want to have to be nice anymore.lol! It takes a lot out of me to be so sweet and comforting to others all the time when I feel bad, too! lol! I have a problem saying "no" to people as well. I want to please everybody and I'm usually the only one I hurt. My husband wants me to pace myself better, but this is so hard for me. I'm either hot or cold, never lukewarm! I can't go about anything slowly even though I'm always in pain and I'm usually fatigued. When I crash, I just fall into the bed and I can't even muster up the strength to eat. It takes too much energy. I am comfortable enough now to admit that I'm tired. I couldn't do this for years! I just kept on going until I ended up in the hospital. Now, after I get home from work at about 3:30 p.m., I read my e-mail and read these posts, then I may or may not fix supper for us, and then I go to bed and read or watch t.v. with my husband. This is what I HAVE to do if I'm to get up at 5 a.m. the next morning after a restless sleep and work all day on my feet. I feel sorry for your wife; I do. However, she is blessed to have a man who loves her enough to research and listen to other women who have the same condition. This is the way to help her. She'll want your help one day. Be patient and continue to allow her this space.
    Love,
    Kady
  14. herblady

    herblady New Member

    i'm curious about the tea you mentioned. i'm an herbalist and i haven't run across a tea for fm specifically yet. if anyone finds out what it is, please let me know. cindi
  15. WifeHasFMS

    WifeHasFMS New Member

    I found this Web-site, http://www.teatrain.com/rooibos.htm

    It does not specify FMS but it mentions that it is caffeine free, helps in insomnia, headaches, depression, tension and hypertension, which is allot of the effects my wife has.

    Hope this helps. Please let me know if people with FMS can not have any tea at all or is it mostly because of the caffeine?

    Thank you,

    WifeHasFMS

    The following is what is on the Web-site


    History
    Rooibos was first discovered in South Africa. Locals in the area learned that the leaves of the plant made a tasty and aromatic tea. They began to harvest the plants, and allow them to ferment in the sun after bruising the plant leaves with hammers. The production and marketing of rooibos grew with the assistance of Benjamin Ginsberg, a Russian immigrant and pioneer, in 1904. After the Second World War, the industry continued to progress and better methods of production and distribution followed.

    The Plant, Aspalathus Linearis
    There are over 200 species of the aspalathus plant group, found only in South Africa, but only the rooibos plant has any economic value. The plant is a shrub-like bush, covered with small yellow flowers, each of which produces a small rooibos seed. The seeds are collected by sifting the sand around the plants.

    Health Benefits of Rooibos
    There are several ways that one can benefit from drinking rooibos. First of all, rooibos is completely caffeine free and has no additives, no preservatives, and no colourants of any kind. It can be enjoyed in unlimited quantities, and does not appear to have any negative effects on
    the body. In fact, rooibos has been found to contribute to helping maintain healthy skin, teeth, and bones.

    The Japanese use rooibos as an ingredient in bread, cosmetics, and sweets, as well as a favorite beverage. Scientists in Japan have found rooibos to act as an anti-oxidant, helping to slow the process of aging and benefiting the immune system. They have found rooibos to be beneficial in treating high blood pressure, allergic diseases, diabetes, liver diseases, and cateracts among other things.

    Because it contains no caffeine, rooibos can be helpful for people suffering from insomnia or other sleep disorders, headaches, irritability, tension, mild depression, or hypertension. Stomach and indigestive problems such as vomiting, nausea, stomach ulcers, heartburn, and constipation, can be helped by drinking rooibos. Skin irritations and allergies benefit from rooibos as well. Best of all, rooibos can help get your day started, be an all day thirst quencher, and still help you get to sleep at night.

    Nutrients
    Iron
    Potassium
    Copper
    Calcium
    Maganese
    Fluoride
    Zinc
    Magnesium
    Sodium
    How to serve Rooibos
    Rooibos is enjoyed either warm or cold. Not only can it be kept warm for hours without losing its flavor, but it can be stored cold for up to two weeks! Rooibos can be much more than just the perfect drink. There are many ways to take advantage of all the benefits of rooibos in daily life. Here are a few examples of practical uses for rooibos:


    Use it in food preparation and for diluting fruit juices or concentrates.
    Use it as a substitute for milk or water in any recipe.
    Soak dried fruit overnight in cold rooibos.
    Use rooibos as a base in marinades for meat (it’s a natural meat tenderizer).
    Brew your own herbal tea by adding cinnamon, herbs, or lemon to rooibos.
    Give your hair a beautiful shine by rinsing with rooibos.
    Use cold rooibos bags on tired or red eyes to soothe them.
    Wash your face with rooibos instead of water to improve your complexion.
    Treat eczema, skin irritations, or rashes with it, or help take the sting out of sunburn.
    Useful for bathing animals and supplementing pet food as well.
    Rooibos Products
    Autumn Herbal Chai
    Herbal Madras
    Mountain Gold
    Pure Rooibos
  16. WifeHasFMS

    WifeHasFMS New Member

    Thank You!!!!
  17. Kim

    Kim New Member

    I wonder if your wife's illness is triggered by environmental sensitivities in the chemicals that she uses at her job. I know MCS is a big part of many illnesses, including chronic fatigue and other disorders where pain are involved.
  18. poodlegirl

    poodlegirl New Member

    She is dealing with the pain and the mental anguish (depression or anxiety) of the disease. You are trying to understand, trying to help her so you have to find a way of dealing with it for the both of you. I sort of can see both sides of the coin here as me and my husband deal with the same issues. I work so hard during the day, so when I come home, I just want to curl up and rest (or sometimes die, depending on how bad it is). I feel like I cannot handle one more decision, one more anything so when my hubby asks me something or whatever, he gets my built up frustrations, either in a mean "bite-your-head-off way" or I just have a breakdown and cry. He does everything he can to help me, but sometimes (and this maybe what your wife is feeling) a person can only hear one more suggestion for help before pulling their hair out. You should talk to her openly about this. You have feelings too and you are trying to deal with this disease also. She is not fighting this battle alone and you you tell her that. You are a unity and even though you physically cannot take her pain, you can be there for her emotionally. But she needs to understand this. You also have feelings and you are hurt at her outbursts and her snappyness. You are not the enemy to her. She may be frustrated at the fact that it is such a hard disease to explain. You may tell her you understand, but until you first hand experience it, you will never know. My husband says he has aches and pains, its called getting older, he says. But it is not your kind of hurt. It is not a hurt like a pulled muscle. She is trying to deal with it, be patient, but be open and honest.