Please help....I am so lost

Discussion in 'Caregivers' started by NotMySelf, Nov 18, 2002.

  1. NotMySelf

    NotMySelf New Member

    My original message is posted as of tonight on the Depression Board under "I am Lost"..I've never done this before but had nowhere else to turn.
    Please read my message before responding, so you will know what I am speaking of.
    My mother suffered her strokes during a cross country bus trip, unescorted, in ill health, to the east coast. She resides in So. Calif. (where I am orig. from) I had moved to Florida (my original message will state why). I have no help, no where to turn. I am in an abusive, unloving relationship with my mother (she does not know how to show love or express it....I grew up with this and it is even more apparent now).
    My resentment, anger, loss, fear, is peaked as well as my emotional overall health and it's begining to affect me physically now. I am a healthy 44 year old woman. I value the fact I've taken care of myself and have remained balanced and centered through some of lifes pitfalls. A failed long term relationship, job losses, death of family members I never had closure with or even to say goodbye..I've stayed above water. But, with this's taking it's toll. It's too much for me and I fear that my walking away back to the life I've begun elsewhere with a partner and 10 year old daughter..I will be abandoning this situation. Everyone, including her doctors are telling me I am obligated to this situation...
    in my heart, I know I am not, yet can not help but feel as though I am being very cruel in this thought process.
    I don't sleep, eat right anymore, have gone a couple of days without eating at all, have terrible nightmares, started smoking again......and am watching my life fall apart further than what has already happened (posted in my orig. message in Depression).
    I am lost. I am all of this
  2. annee

    annee New Member

    I am annee.
    Your story is much like mine - regarding my relationship with my mother and her state of health, our emotional non connection, living interstate..........
    I have been able to prioritize the important things in my life - my husband (who has cfs) and my kids and MY LIFE.
    You said you have 2 sisters ................HEY.....
    You are not the sole carer for your mother.
    Tell your sisters you need a break & it sounds like you really do need a break.
    You must prioritize your own state of health and state of mind, 'cos these paths through life seem to get tougher and we must continue to endeavour to move forward along these paths.
    You do not have exclusive ownership of 'primary carer'for your mothers health problems.
    You owe it to yourself to share these problems with your sisters.
    Please help yourself.
    I guess my husbands illness helps me 'see clearly' what my priorities in life are.
    And I strongly believe that my lifes energies are best served when they are truly appreciated by those to whom I am bestowing my time, my love, my caring - my very self.
    Good luck,

    [This Message was Edited on 11/19/2002]
  3. NotMySelf

    NotMySelf New Member

    Hello Annee..thank you. I read your reply and yes, things do get tough. I am somewhat still in the same predicament, no help from the's all on my shoulders.
    I have been telling mom I need to return to the Southeast where my partner and child are, my leased apartment (which does not expire til April 2003). Her comments to me are, "I'll be fine, I just wait everyday to die", how do you think that makes me feel inside? I get brings out such internal anger, though I keep it silent which can NOT be healthy for me.
    My mom waits for death..instead of living what years she may have in lieu of her illness. She can still walk, talk, see, think, have a conversation, enjoy the yard, her pets...but, she angers me in that she depresses me constantly. With comments such as above or never acknowledges anything I put forth to help her. Yet, if someone else does...they are glorified.
    It upsets me that I traveled from Florida to Ohio by car to get her out of the hospital. Nursed here back to "travel" health and then had to drive 3,000 miles back here to her home...without so much as any kind of thank you or acknowledgement. While I've been here, I've grocery shopped for her, took and take her to all her Dr. appts., confer with the Doctors about her condition, held her hand during the MRI, order her perscriptions, pick them up, fill her medicine container for the week with her tri-daily doses, shower her, clean her house, her yard, take out the garbage, treated her lawns to make them green and lush for her enjoyment, retiled her bathroom and decorated in colors she likes, had the carpets shampooed, furniture steamed................and am still "doing"....yet, she comes back with comments on how wonderful my sister is (the one that lives 10 min. away and has no such much as placed a phone call here or dropped by in the last month and a half)or how she has a husband that needs her.
    I'm sorry for my anger here...but what am I? because I am not married, but have a life partner, a 10 year old sweet little girl, a home in another state....I am condemned? Put down? Why?
    No matter what I say, no matter how gently, thought out, kind, does not matter. Its' as though in her mind, I am obligated to be here since my "life" is not significant.
    I don't want any awards or medals for what I've done here or am doing, nor do I expect any. But..WHY does she continue to talk about dying each time I make an attempt to head home? Why am I told have no idea what she feels? And, then, ultimately, I am only thinking of myself. Does that not sound like some kind of verbal or emotional abuse to you?
    Its like being in a bad marriage...always put down, never appreciated, yelled at, told your not good enough, never will be...(Good God..I have 13 years in the litigation field with a very prominent firm. I am in between jobs right now and how can I have a clear mind to interview with all this condmenation going on!) you just want to turn your back and run....never to look back.
    Then when I discuss bringing my partner and child back with me, called the loca elementary school for registration, etc. she tells me "she is not YOUR child so I don't know what your'e bothering for...she will only forget about you when she grows older and nothing at all will matter".....
    Someone help me! Please! I have stormed out of this house late at night, not being able to sleep, to eat right...just park around the corner and cry.
    My partner did everything for my mother. Helped nurse and attend to her 24/7 when I returned to our home in Florida. My partner made all the calls to the mom's doctor here on the West Coast, ordered persciptions to be transferred, had records tranferred so she could see a doctor while out there....made her breakfast, served her, made her comfortable at all times and the child? This 10 year old little girl that has been in my life for some time now loves my mom. Sat with her, helped her up, wrote her letters while here...of which mom threw away! She calls her Grammy and even told her when we were all there..that she doesn't have any grandparents and she is glad she has one my mother. My mom put up her best foot. Until we came her home.
    Can anyone shed any light on what is going on? I know she is not well, age is catching up with her, but I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT AND IT WILL EVENTUALLY HAPPEN TO ME ALSO!!!
    It is as though she blames me for aging or being ill...
    I am so ready to just run......far......and never ever look back.
  4. chubs

    chubs New Member

    Dear not myself'
    ,You sound asif you cannot cope with mom any longer and for your own emotional health and physical health you should not. Call The Department of Social Sevices an the Department of Aging in her hometown, explain her siutation, you are living in another state and it is impossible for you to care for your mother and you need help in doing this. They have programs where home health aids and home health nurses will care for her in her home. Insurance. medicare should pay for this. By all means do not feel quilty because a doctor or anyone tells you that you are suposed to be doing this. They did not live your life and they don't know you life experience. I haven't read your message on the depression board but if you are happy where you are stay there and be at peace.There are also some very nice assisted living places near your mom. She need to take advantage of these state run programs and not you. You have been thru enough. Its time for you to enjoy your life. Hope this helps. If you need to, get counceling for yourself to help you deal with all your emotions. I'm Praying for you.
  5. netangel

    netangel New Member

    I have seen many parent child relationships like this. Personally I would stop beating yourself up for the way she has been all your life. Go back home and offer your Mom the opportunity to go with you. Obviously she was treating you decently then even if it was for show. Your sisters can kick in here anytime, have a family meeting and tell them whats up. Let them pull their weight and let it go. You have done alot now pass the torch.
  6. lbd

    lbd New Member

    You do not owe her anything. I spent 15 years taking care of my father and 3 taking care of my mother. She was abusive all my life. I sent her to my sisters house. I am glad I did. She had continued to be abusive, even when I let her live with me for 3 years. Forget her!!
  7. Carina

    Carina New Member

    I agree that to call the Social Services Division for the Elderly is the most you can do for your mother.
    She is a very angry woman. Most of that anger probably has nothing to do with you. It probably goes way back in her life.

    She also is probably not taking aging well. It is a scarey time in life when you suddenly realize that your children are grown with lives of thier own. Everything that ever gave a person thier sense of identity is gone, for all practical purposes. being alone and growing older is a big change.

    You on the other hand have gone the extra mile. You have done all you can except call in an agency to take over. Since your sisters will not help, they have forfeited thier right to critize you and the decisions you need to make. Don't ever forget that. You may consider some counseling to help you come to terms with the actions you need to take and the anger. This stuff just doesn't go away, it will resurface later if not taken care of. You have within you the power to teach people how to treat you, even family. I will pray for you, it's a hard road to travel but there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

    It may sound shallow, but maybe a card a couple of times a month and maybe an update on anything significant in your life to your mother will help prevent the feeling of abandonment. Those of us who have been victims of emotional abuse seem to be pretty sensitive to this issue.

    [This Message was Edited on 09/21/2003]
  8. hashell

    hashell New Member

    I almost thought you were my sister who moved away from our abusive family and started a new life. I also left our abusive family. I don't have a relationship with my mother. She has symptoms of alzheimers and other health issues and I feel guilt because it is my nature to want to make things better but I won't be helping her when she is not well. I don't feel guilt because I won't be going back. Ever. Others will look after her. If I go back, I will go back to the abuse. People will have opinions about my actions but that is their opinion alone.
    Just a suggestion - if she is financially able see if you can find homecare or a carehome and have her placed - but if you need/want - keep your space. Change your phone# if you have to. It is not up to others to decide you should do this or that. It is in yourself to decide what you can live with or without -what is the right thing for you in your situation. Remember - what is right for one is not always right for another.
    This may sound cold and caloused - but I know what it took to leave - no one else wore my shoes. Take care.
  9. UgotaBjokin

    UgotaBjokin New Member

    I have to empathize with you. My mom isn't the easiest person to deal with either. She has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. But what I have learned after I moved away at 14 years old is that you need to protect yourself. It is okay to be distant if someone is causing you so much pain. You are the most important person in this situation. If you are not happy and well, then what is there? Take all of your good memories (even if very few) then leave both her and the ill feelings behind and start healing yourself. Trust one who knows. I hope you do what is best for you and I'll be praying for you.

    Good luck,
  10. hope2001

    hope2001 New Member

    I have had a similar relationship with my mom and ten years ago my christian counselor told me that my responsibility is not to my mother it is to my children and family. I let myself off the guilt trip and started putting my own children and their needs (which is to keep myself safe and healthy FIRST AND FOREMOST). Things work themselves out. Too often, people like us don't even step back and see things work themselves out. We are so used to stepping in and responding to the "pushy" people in our lives that it never occurs to us that there could be any other solution than "ME".

    Please don't sacrifice your own life for your mother. It is not your job, you will only reqret it seriously ten years from now. Believe me, you are not the only solution. What would happen if you developed a brain tumor and dropped off the face of the earth? Someone else would step in to fill the void. don't wait until stress causes you to become sick...take care of your emotional and physical needs now, not later.