Please help me . Dees' husband Bill.

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by DeeMerrk, Dec 9, 2002.

  1. DeeMerrk

    DeeMerrk New Member

    This is Dees' husband Bill. Please help me to understand Dees' reaction to the little stupid man things I do. They seem so slight to me but she will explode. The things she says to me really hurt and make me feel like just giving up. Dee says she wants me to be stronger but she keeps saying things to me that make me feel small and worthless. I know I can not understand all the pain she feels, And the way she must misses all the things she used to be able to do. I will always love her and that tells me to hang on. Please let me know if what is happening to Dee and I happens to others. And what can I do.
    If you don't want to answer on the board my E-Mail is Devaltson@aol.com Desperate Bill.
  2. DeeMerrk

    DeeMerrk New Member

    This is Dees' husband Bill. Please help me to understand Dees' reaction to the little stupid man things I do. They seem so slight to me but she will explode. The things she says to me really hurt and make me feel like just giving up. Dee says she wants me to be stronger but she keeps saying things to me that make me feel small and worthless. I know I can not understand all the pain she feels, And the way she must misses all the things she used to be able to do. I will always love her and that tells me to hang on. Please let me know if what is happening to Dee and I happens to others. And what can I do.
    If you don't want to answer on the board my E-Mail is Devaltson@aol.com Desperate Bill.
  3. BonBons

    BonBons New Member

    Please don't disrespect yourself. Hanging in there with Dee is an awesome accomplishment. Dee is hurting so badly, but none of us have the right to use our anger to hurt others, including those who only love us. I really do understand her lashing out, but that doesn't make it acceptable. Maybe a good friend or trusted professional could help at this point. Read what you can on this board -wisdom, peace and similar experience is at hand and my heart goes out to Dee and to you. BonBons
  4. JaciBart

    JaciBart Member

    I am guessing that maybe Dee feels that you really don't listen. Please sit down with her and ask her to tell you the issues she really needs you to understand, then do your own research if necessary, offer to help her. We feel misunderstood so much and in my opinion all that we really want is understanding. Remind her that you on on her side. You sound like a very loving and concerned hubby, just don't give up on her and make sure she knows how strong your commitment is. I hope this helps, good luck and keep us posted.

    Jaci
  5. BonBons

    BonBons New Member

    As soon as I hit the send button, I was sorry I did. I had no right to judge Dee's reactions and I am awfully sorry I did. I've been a real B---- myself at times, and she sure doesn't need my advice, just my empathy. I wish the best for both of you - marriage is a sacred bond and I hope you are able to weather this storm. BonBons
  6. Its hard to deal with the pain everyday and while we don't mean to be mean to our hubbies its hard. They really don't understand how horrible a disease this is. My own husband if I mention how something really hurts just says uh huh like to me its he is thinking well I have pain too. But believe me when I say the pain with Fibro is like no other. Mine is like a severe toothpain in my joints and sometimes I find myself jumping at things my husband says. I hate when I do that, but its just that the pain gets to us sometimes. Just be there and let her know how much you do care for her and tell her you wish their was something you could do to help her. Sometimes my husband just talks too much when I need to be quiet. I am sure Dee doesnt mean to jump on everything you do and say , its really hard , believe me. I don't know what else I can say.
    Take care.
    Fibrobutterfly
  7. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    First, let me say that you made my heart stand still when I first read your post on the Chit Chat board to come to the FM/CFS board for a message.
    I though something happened to my precious friend! I have not, in the almost two years I have been on this board seen you post.

    As a suffer of Fibro, and loads of other ailments that come along with this illness, I can relate to how, and why Dee is reacting like she does at times. What you described is a mirror image of myself and my husband.

    I know in my very soul that Richard or you and others' partners cannot feel the pain, fatigue, and yes, sometimes hopelessness we live with.
    Its not humanly possible for you to be able to get into our 'bodies' and experience this awful hurting and frustration that is going on all our waking hours, even at times when we are asleep, we keep waking up from a hot flush, pain, awesome need to use the bathroom, inability to do those wonderful things we USE to be able to do without a second thought.

    No, we should not lash out at you guys, but maybe you are just 'handy' for our frustration at the moment!

    Or perhaps we are a bit envious that you can do all those things we WANT to do and can't anymore. Then you do them for us, but you know, we just want to be able to be as independent as we were before we got hit with this darn illness that no one seems to know what to do with.

    We know that its not your fault that we are ill, but maybe we just feel cheated that we are so dependent now, when before we could deal with whatever life threw our way.

    Also, I know I feel guilty at times because I am not the real 'me' that Richard married. He is younger that I, and very healthy, and full of life, then I feel like I am a burden to him, we have been married for 30 years now, so time does not take away these crazy feelings we have.

    Like you (no doubt), he slows his pace down to accommodate my inability to keep up with him! I do so appreciate all the things he does for me, BUT I do have my angry moments no matter what he does.

    I hope to God I am making some sense here, because I am desperately trying to make you understand how we really feel, Dee as well as the rest of us.

    Like Dee, I also have a loving, caring husband, but you all also have your faults. None of us are perfect, sick or well.

    We are an imperfect people living in an imperfect world, so no matter what, we will have our differences, this is above and beyond our control.
    Only God is perfect, and we are a fallen race trying to achieve perfection. Which we can't, but we keep trying!

    Somehow I hope this helps, as I am living in the same mind set as Dee, and you are in the same boat as my husband.

    Just keep loving her, she is a dear, genteel lady and deserves a good caring man like yourself.

    God bless, and guide you.

    Shalom! Shirl
    [This Message was Edited on 12/09/2002]
  8. kellym

    kellym New Member

    on both sides. Our disease is so difficult to live with, and that in turn makes us difficult to live with. Dee needs you now more than ever, to love and comfort her, try to understand her, and listen to her. I realize how difficult it is to be the one "carrying" the marriage. I have had the misfortune of being the one, though only for several months, not several years.

    You are her beacon of hope, someone to love her when she is not capable of loving herself. Having a solid person who will be with us through these times means more than you will ever know. Her condition would only spiral downwards without your love and support.

    Please, try to stay strong, and fight to remain her loving spouse while she fights this disease. And please know that when she lashes out, it is not meant against you or to hurt you. You are merely convenient to lash out against since she has no other way.

    Thank you for hanging in this long, and remember God rewards those who honor their vows that they made before Him.

    God bless,
    Kelly M
  9. northwoodssue

    northwoodssue New Member

    Dear Bill:
    I understand where you are coming from. When I first got this DD, my husband had a hard time understanding too. I felt frustrated too because he couldn't understand my feelings. I was going thru a greiving process over the loss of my former life, and was angry, sad, all the things you go through. I had to realize that HE was going thru them too plus trying to understand this misunderstood disease!!! I got him a book by Dr. Mark Pelligrino called "The Fibromyalgia Supporter" which is written specifically for husbands (or wives) of fms sufferers. It describes in detail what we are going thru, why, and what we need. He read it through. This from a man who only reads 1-2 books in 30 years!!!! He said it really helped him and he got so good at noticing my symptoms when I had a flare up that he really prided himself on it. He can look at me and tell how I feel.
    Your wife has ahusband who is trying to understand, and I feel you should give yourself a break and get this book. It'll help alot. Dr. Pelligrino has fms too and knows what we go thru. You can find it on the internet or I found mine through the Fibromyalgia Network newsletter.
    Good Luck and don't tgive up. Your wife needs you and your support!
    northwoodssue
  10. allhart

    allhart New Member

    just know your not alone all our husbands and boyfriends probley feel much them same way,the pain our bodys put us threw sometimes is not as bad as the pain our minds do,we are always remembering what we use to be able to do and offten many of us feel that our husbands should not have to bare the weight we put them threw we have to sometimes lash out because you are the closets ones to us and we try so hard to keep things inside not wanting to hurt you more and when we cant take it anymore we exsplod over the strangist things,i still cant belive that my husband can deal with all i put him threw i dont know how hes stayed with me,the best thing you can do is not take the bad things she says to heart and remember she must truley must love you she has said you are wonerful and you must be or you would not have wrote,
  11. sheri

    sheri New Member

    I read the responses to your post, and I can relate to Shirl's very much. In fact, I can only echo it...It would be good though , as suggested, that you educate yourself as much as possible re; your wife's physical condition. I bless my husband for all the chores he has had to take over on one hand and on the other, get aggravated because I am not able to do what I used to. I know he gets tired of it too, because at those times, he knows just what little button to push. After a while, those "buttons" build up and I respond back negatively. I think this is probably common in most marriages. Just try to communicate, when the time is right. It will work out. If you have time, please, again I can only say to educate yourself as to this condition and keep on loving your wife. She loves you too. Blessings to you both, sheri
  12. evileva

    evileva New Member

    I applaud your effort to learn what your wife is going through, it seems to me that she is a lucky woman. My husband didn't want me after we found out that I was sick. I, too, believe that reading the right book can help and also having patience with your wife right now too. None of us knows what each day will bring and that alone can be very frustrating. She definitely needs your love and support, so hang in there. Good luck to the both of you.
    Eva
  13. LiteraryPumpkin

    LiteraryPumpkin New Member

    I'm sorry Bill, but what I have to say may not be what you want to hear. I am a man and perhaps I do think differently than my esteemed associates. I suffer from a terrible, horrible disease that you can't see or understand. I've had it a long time.

    I have lashed out at my loved ones... very, very seldom however.

    THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR CANNOT BE SANCTIONED OR IGNORED!

    You cannot respond in kind to a sick person. In other words, harsh words or violence is futile and cruel. If I, you, your wife or my next door neighbor behave badly and hurtfully: It cannot be tolerated. It is called TOUGH LOVE. But, you don't have to be mean or even unreasonable. You just say,

    "That comment was tacky and hateful."
    "I understand that you are hurting, but you don't really want to be a Jackass too. Do you?"

    Your words will be different, because they will be your words.

    Trust me, you will win the fight. Just do it right. If a loved one acts like a child, treat 'em like one. Your strength in not tolerating the BS is exactly what your sweetie needs.

    Good luck.

    If you have time, visit a hospital. Watch the nurses. Pick a good one. They won't take crap off even the terminal patients. In the end, the poor, suffering patient feels better on the inside. They feel better about themselves. They are in a place where people care for them, but offer structure. I worked in the trenches of one of the biggest hospitals in the world and saw a world of hurt and despair there. But, there were also smiles and tears of joy and kindness.

    So, it goes like this. "Don't talk to me that way, I won't tolerate it." ... then ... "Darling, I love you and you know I do because I have seen you at your worst."

    ..something like that..
  14. Kim

    Kim New Member

    Bill, Sometimes I feel so sorry for my poor husband and other times he irritates me. My husband believes I will recover with God's help and he told me he would always be here for me, no matter what happens. This illness makes you so worn out and worn down. You are disgusted with yourself for not being who you once were. I've totally given up on trying to explain to anyone how I feel because no matter how compassionate and empathetic they are, they don't understand. Depression plays a big part in this for me and my husband tried to tell me once he had experience with depression. I ended up in tears and later he called me at work and said he was sorry that he didn't understand and wanted to apologize for hurting me. He told me he loved me. That night he just rubbed my shoulders and held me for hours. Sometimes saying nothing is the best thing to do. God bless you for being the kind of man that your wife needs and caring enough to write to us.

    kim
  15. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I would not presume to give advice to married folk or to try to figure out where the problems lie. That said, I would recommend counseling to anyone, married or sinle, who is experiencing problems in his or her life.

    I fought with everything I had to save my marriage, but it wasn't enough. I have made a nice life for myself as a single person. If I had a choice, I would rather have a loving mate, but that is not an option right now. I do believe I have been better off single for the last two years when my illnesses were so bad.

    All I can offer you are my prayers that y'all can work things out. Mel, I was very touched by your post. You, my friend, are a fighter and deserve praise for all the work you have put into your marriage and into healing your illness.

    Love, Mikie
  16. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    SHALOM, in all its deepest meaning, and I know you know it better than I.


    Shirl
  17. sofy

    sofy New Member

    Ok I might as well be who I am and that is I agree with Lit. Pumpkin. We all are human and are proned to be a little less than chipper when not feeling well but that is a far cry from uncivil mean behavior. That is not to say your wife is being either uncivil or mean but if that is your perception then something has to change. You have to do your part in communication and tell her right out that what she said was hurtfull to you and you dont understand why she would say or do so. Often we have no idea our deeds are being grossly misinterpeted. It sound to me like each of you is saying one thing and the other is hearing something else. Sit down and decide how you are going to work on better communiction and how to make each other feel loved. Now if either of you dont want to do that then there is more trouble in the marriage than can be helped by this board. Good luck in love.

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