Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Saoirse3, May 5, 2011.

  1. Saoirse3

    Saoirse3 Member

    I am so numb with fear and so emotionally overwhelmed right now. I don't know who to turn to or who to ask for help. Here is, briefly, what happened.

    Last year, I had a stroke. My daughter came to me in the hospital and asked me to watch my grandson - while I was in the hospital! I was released the next day and Child Protective Services showed up and asked me to care for my grandson. My daughter filed a Domestic Violence Order on her husband. They came to live with me, and I provided for them the best I could.

    Her husband didn't come after her - he came after ME. He punched and hit me. I never told anyone. I was afraid. The man has 19 Criminal Records, including two felonies with weapons.

    My daughter went back to him and he told me to never have any contact with him or my daughter again. However, my daughter kept calling me, asking me if I wanted to see my grandson. My son in law found out, became enraged, and hurt me again.

    I wanted to make sure that my grandson was okay. There was still a case with CPS, for suspected child neglect and abuse. Perhaps it was wrong, but I invented a false Facebook profile, only to ascertain the welfare of my grandson. I was concerned because this man is so violent, and he is also schizophrenic, bi-polar,and autistic. My daughter is bi-polar and has ADHD. Both of them use marijuana, K2 Spice and oxycodone. My eldest daughter found these substances when she visited their home. The police said it was "all legal", so they didn't care. In Alaska you are allowed to have all of this.

    Last week my son-in-law found out about the FB and filed a DVRO against me. Two days later, my daughter tried to have me involuntarily committed to a mental home. The judge said I was fully competent. We came to the DVRO hearing (I have NEVER harmed these people in my entire life!) and they put on a show for the judge, crying, screaming that I was "harming them" and they were "afraid for their lives". I presented 19 criminal charges against him, 2 criminal charges against her, telephone records showing that they called ME, medical records for my daughter and testimony from his parents. The judge looked at NONE of it. She said they were "visibly upset" and ruled in their favor! I was terrified!

    On the way out of the courtroom, I turned to my husband and said "He's going to kill me!" My son-in-law became violent and started screaming at the top of his lungs that I "violated the DVRO" because I "threatened him". Without even bothering to look at the tapes, the troopers cornered me until he left the courthouse.

    That night the troopers came and took ME to prison! I had done NOTHING! I had to sleep on a cold, dirty floor and was not allowed ANY medication. I have HBP, liver disease, diabetes, spinal stenosis and ITP. I was treated like an animal. I started to bleed and have hypoglycemia. I was told to shut up and lie down. I was released the next day, but my son-in-law showed up when I went to go get some groceries. He is stalking me, following me and making me a prisoner in my own home. I am afraid to even leave the house. I know he will abuse me again. Of that, I am certain.

    What can I do? I cannot afford an attorney (they want $200 an hour. I am on SSD and can't afford that). I am so afraid. I have to constantly look over my shoulder, be on guard all the time. But I KNOW he will come back. Please, if anyone has ANY advice, I could use it. This is a small town and law enforcement is corrupt and incompetent. Ask 5 cops and you get 5 different answers. It's frontier justice at its very worst. Please help!
  2. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    I do not know what to say about all this . Surely there are some people on these boards who have some expertise along these lines. What does your husband have to say about all this?? Of course living in Alaska they may have other rules of law, or are very backwards. I do not know. However, your SonIL should not be able to do what he has been doing to you all this while. Where was your hubby when your SIL punched you and all? Did you tell your DH what he did to you??. Has he spoken at all to your SIL ?? Very strange. You should have been able to have gotten some kind of a ruling that he cannot come near you or something like that. That is very strange also that they are not listening to you and siding with him. Does your husband understand what he did to you.?? He should at the least threaten him withi inch of his life if he comes near you.

    I am trying to think if there might be another message board on here that might be better for you to post too. I am sure there are others here with more info that I do about it but Alaska I know little about.

    All I can say is God bless you and I hope someone answers you with some good information on this. It is very scary to say the least. It is to bad that you just can't move out of there but I know you want to be able to see your grandson too.

    Hope someone comes to your aid and that you will let us know how things are going for you. That whole story is scarey if they do not believe you. At least your husband should stick up for you. Not saying that he doesn't believe you (if you told him everything) but I think he should try and stick up for you more. Did he speak at all to the police and at the trial? Maybe you could also try posting this on a couple of the other boards too, not sure which, maybe depression? Not saying you are depressed but surely going through all this would make you feel that way.

    Sorry but I do not know what else to say for now.

    Lots of big hugs to you,
  3. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    Please understand up front that ProHealth does not provide any lawyers for advice, consultation or for assistance on your situation. The answers you receive are simply opinions and suggestions from regular members.

    Dr. Phil had a run of shows not that long along about ending the silence on domestic abuse. I wish you had watched them.

    You are in a situation where you need a lawyer. The lawyer will tell you many of the things that I'm going to tell you and you need a good wake up call. This is serious. Because of low income you may be able to contact the state or local bar associations to see if you can get help. Some law schools offer free help depending on what subjects that they represent and I believe third year law students represent you under the assistance of the law professor. But you need professional help because all of this has gone astray.

    Let's go over some of your mistakes and learn from them and NEVER, EVER repeat them or you will be pulled back again before the court by your daughter and her husband.

    Your daughter is not your friend, is not there to help you, and is in fact acting along with her husband against you. So your daughter is also your enemy in this and always remember that--don't allow her to talk to you or get close to you. Get an answering machine for your phone and never pick up until you get a voice on the answering machine and you know it is not one of them. Let them leave messages on the phone machine. You never, ever answer the door if she or her husband show up. Call 911 instead to get an officer out "because they are at your door and could be trying to get you to violate a protective order. You want them off your property."

    Your first mistake was to have allowed your daughter to leave your grandchild with you when you were in the hospital for having a stroke--that's just not done and the hospital isn't a place for babysitting. Most hospitals won't allow babies to visit, let along stay unless they are a patient. I'm shocked that any hospital allowed that. You were in there for a stroke and whatever treatment that required (along with definite recuperation), you can't extend yourself because your daughter and her husband are in an unstable relationship. You have to put yourself first.

    Child Protective Services came to you about taking the child when you would be released from the hospital after a stroke to home--WHERE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN RESTING. That was a bad move on the part of CPS. The child belonged with someone who was 100 percent feeling better and fully able to take care of a young child. Being released after a stroke, was absolutely not the best time to take on the care on a young child. That was a complete mistake by CPS, no matter what the situation of your daughter and her husband.

    Then after your daughter filed a domestic violence petition and appeared to get a domestic violence protective order against her husband--you ignored all of that as if it never existed and allowed both of them to come live you you and you provided for them!! Bad choice all the way around. Under those circumstances, you never let either of them come to live with you or even come in your place until they have had significant serious therapy and have had significant improvement that their therapist or psychiatrist can vouch to you that they are safe to be in your home and around you after having a stroke--that they have the tools and using them so they are not acting inappropriately any more.

    The first time her husband hit you or threatened you, you should definitely have called 911 and had him removed from the home and never get back in EVER. You draw the line on domestic violence and abuse in your home and stop it immediatley because your daughter was exposed to it when she was at her own place with him. Instead you allowed your home to become a further breeding ground to continue this horrible abuse that went from being done to your daughter, to being done to you on a regular basis--and your daughter did not act to stop it. So a message has been passed to your daughter that it is okay for a man to be violent with her. You should have called the police and had him arrested, police reports filed and you should have gone to the hospital for treatment and to be photographed--all used as evidence at trial to put this violent guy away for a long time. You had that power to stop the future of this violent jerk, but you let this jerk get away with it and you became his punching bag. Is it any wonder that he is continuing to be the way he is? He finds women who allow him to abuse them and he continues it forever.

    It makes no difference what the husband's past records are, because now he's out on the street with your daughter and their child while you went to jail and now you're on the hot seat.

    Your daughter refuses to deal with her husband's serious problem, but you can't get involved with either of their problems. She knows what he's like, but you and her are also much alike and don't act to stop the problem. Since your daughter's calls to you asking if you want to see the grandchild cause definite problems at her home, stop accepting the offers to see your grandchild and tell your daughter stop accepting her calls. I mentioned about an answering machine for your phone and that would be perfect to avoid these calls as they only result in great anger and probably violence.

    If you invented a fake Facebook account simply to keep track of your daughter, her husband and the child, and then the husband found out--well, nobody likes to be tracked secretly and you probably could have anticipated he would get very mad--he gets mad very easily. You don't poke the bear and you are poking him and poking him and he is lashing out at you. Stay away from Facebook and delete the account. Leave them alone as you are not going to help them.

    Now you are involved in court cases with both your daughter and her husband who is a real violent wacko. STAY AWAY FROM THEM AND HAVE NO CONTACT. If Child Protective Services is not acting on this and you have been interviewed by CPS and they know your suspicions (which unless you saw them buy those drugs and/or use them, then you have nothing about drugs), you must back away otherwise you will probably face more jail time. You can't interfere in your daughter's family because as you see, they can make a lot more grief for you than you can for them. So back off and let them alone.

    Yes, both your daughter and her violent wacko husband are going to do play acting in court. Some of the best actors in the world are found in court testifying. You cannot go on providing both of these fools with evidence against you, like you saying when leaving court that "He's going to kill me." Lawyers tell clients that you keep your mouth shut and that is done because of things just like this!!! Not keeping your mouth shut got you thrown in jail (you didn't go to prison, you went to jail).

    Now your daughter's violent husband is stalking you and that's not really a surprise because he's wacko, he's in a rage, and he's trying to push you to do something that will put you back in jail or maybe something more serious that will place you in prison. That requires someone to help you in setting up outside videotaping at your home and videotaping when you go out. That will give video evidence for a court that you are being stalked at your home and when you go out for errands--so the wacko husband is apparently staking out your home. It should not be too hard to videotape him. Just saying you are stalked probably won't be enough since the dynamic duo have had actions against you. You need solid proof that will hold up in court.

    I know what I've told you sounds very harsh, but I'm trying to wake you up to the situation you are in and I want you to see how you dug into where you are, how it got started, where it went wrong in so many ways and then you never let your guard down again to repeat this and no more harm comes to yourself ever again from this pair. You know the wacko is violent, his wife isn't any better, so don't keep poking either of them. They act as a team and act as one.

    Call the domestic violence helpline (the website is ). Call the number and keep it strictly factual--they will want to try to help and they want to get the details they need from you. Pull yourself together and ask if you they have no cost/low cost attorneys you could see because you need legal help and are very frightened. Also ask if they have low cost/no cost counseling because you desperately need therapy to figure out why you did not call the police and go to the hospital to file charges and stop the violent abuse to you when it was regular and continuing by this daughter's husband. You cannot ever again allow yourself to be a doormat for abuse again from your daughter or her husband--or anyone else.

    The next suggestion I make is to look to move out of the county or even out of the state. I would not want to remain in a place where the dynamic duo live so close, where you cannot get help from the police, and your health IS going to suffer in the end. Talk to the domestic violence hotline about getting away from all this, as this is what many abused victims eventually do to get away from their abusers. And make no mistake that your daughter is an abuser too because she has allowed her husband to abuse you, has contributed to the abuse by play acting in court, and didn't act to stop the physical abuse either. Your daughter is not good for you either and cannot be trusted. Try to move out in the middle of the night, and don't leave a forwarding address or a forwarding phone number and know that your life is more valuable than anything else you have. You must put yourself first probably for the first time in your life.

    As long as CPS has found nothing wrong with the pair's home, I would stop contacting them because you will have no contact with your daughter or her husband or the baby to be able to report the latest news. As much as this will hurt you not to see the grandchild, your health has to be the primary concern for you and unless you get yourself out from under this, you could have further heart problems. The court will not act when CPS has found nothing wrong with their home, so you have to focus on yourself. I care very much and I hope I have reached you and that you will act to help yourself and give yourself a better life than you have right now. Also, wear a very loud whistle around your neck and if you are out and the wacko husband approaches you, blow that whistle for all you are worth as people will start to look. It's tough to attack a woman when everyone is looking. Many, many hugs and I want the absolute best for you. Remember that we all care and are thinking of you and sending our prayers.

    [This Message was Edited on 05/05/2011]
  4. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Sorry but my brain isn't working that well to have given you all that info. Yes, a lawyer is expensive but you do need one in this case. See if there is anyway you can get one cheaper than you think.

    Maybe someone else will have even more helpful advise too. I didn't catch that you were babysitting your grandson IN THE HOSPITAL !! If that is true, that was definately a no no for you , the hospital and everyone concerned.

    Continuing to hope that things get better for you but BE CAREFUL !!!

  5. rocky76

    rocky76 Member

    in Alaska and ask if they deal with Elder Abuse and see if they will help
    you on a Pro Bono Case...

    Is your Son in Law a Native...

    Just do a search for attorneys that deal with Elder Abuse...I found 2 in Achorage...

    Call them and tell them you need help....

    CPS should be involved....asap....

  6. rocky76

    rocky76 Member

    Safety Alert: computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are in danger: use a safer computer, call your local hotline, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

    For more information about protective orders, call the Family Law Self Help Center at 907- 264-0851 (in Anchorage) or toll-free (866) 279-0851 (outside Anchorage but in Alaska).

    Alaska Network on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault

    Communities & Programs


    Abused Women Aid in Crisis AWAIC
    24 hr Crisis Line: 907-272-0100
    100 W. 13th Avenue
    Anchorage, AK 99501
    907-279-7244 Fax
  7. rocky76

    rocky76 Member
  8. GreenOnions

    GreenOnions New Member

    You might want to check the Alaska Network on Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, the ANDVSA. Their website is "".

    They might be able to help you find free legal help, or get you in contact with an organization that can help. Here's the page on their website where they list 17 programs, along with their hotline numbers. The webpage is "".

    I hope this helps. Any feller who hits a woman like your son in law, needs to be beat like a rented mule. Because he sure ain't a man.

    Let us know what all's a going on.
  9. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Please call a hotline and/or talk to an atty. You need more help than you can get here, even though people here are helpful and caring. You are in my prayers for your safety and that of your family. My heart goes out to you.

    Love, Mikie
  10. quanked

    quanked Member

    I can only imagine the fear you must be feeling--and the helplessness. I have known of situations like this in the past (the perpetrator somehow twisting information to look like the victim and the victim becomes the aggressor). And I have lived in frontier America myself. It can get strange to say the least. Your reaction to your situation is not unusual. You are not the first vicitm to not report abuse and you will not be the last.

    However, it sounds like you are at great risk--especially when you toss in the drug element. There is lots of good advice in the responses you have here. I am not sure I can add much more.

    I would strongly encourage you to reach out to your local crisis center that deals with domestic violence. If you do not believe that you will get he help you need locally then contact the center nearest you in a larger city such as Fairbanks, Anchorage or the capitol there in Alaska. One of these agencies could assist you in getting you out of there. I do understand how small towns are. I have been a domestic violence worker in the past. I do know that some DV centers do not serve their clientle well--that there is gossip--and a host of other issues. You mentioned a corrupt law enforcement situation there. Tread carefully if you believe you may be at risk with this agency. Nevertheless, if you cannot get your needs met in one place then try another.

    There are ways out of your situation if you are willing to do what needs to be done. In an ideal world you should not need an attorney.
    And, really, what will you do with an attorney? A private attorney cannot bring criminal charges against this man and your daughter--only your local district attorney can do this. And if he will not you can always contact Alaska's attorney general. Never forget that you can always go up the state's organizational chart.

    There are other avenues. You are part of a protected class--a vulnerable adult due to your disability and possibly your age. Each state has an agency in place to provide protection to this protected class.

    This is Alaska's Seniors and Disabilities Services

    Under the heading "ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES"...

    We are here to help you. Our services are voluntary. We will not force you to move or do anything against your own will. We are here to help you live in a safe and healthy environment and receive the services you need. Please contact our office if you need help or have any questions.

    •Report Harm done to a Vulnerable Adult

    Report of Harm form

    Authorization for Release of Information (enrollment, eligibility)

    Adult Protective Services helps to prevent or stop harm from occurring to vulnerable adults. Alaska law requires that protective services not interfere with the elderly or disabled adults who are capable of caring for themselves.

    Vulnerable adults have a physical or mental impairment or condition that prevents them from protecting themselves or from seeking help from someone else.

    Alaska law defines vulnerable adults to include adults 18 years of age or older, not just the elderly.

    The harm they suffer may result from abandonment, abuse, exploitation, neglect or self-neglect. The following are examples of things to report:

    ABANDONMENT is the desertion of a vulnerable adult by a caregiver.

    ABUSE is the intentional or reckless non-accidental, non-therapeutic infliction of pain, injury, mental distress, or sexual assault.

    EXPLOITATION is the unjust or improper use of another person or their resources for one's own benefit.

    NEGLECT is the intentional failure of a caregiver to provide essential services.

    SELF-NEGLECT is the act or omission by a vulnerable adult that results, or could result, in the deprivation of essential services necessary to maintain minimal mental, emotional, or physical health and safety.

    Between a crisis center and Adult Protective Services you should be able to get your needs met.

    Please update us if you are able to. We are all concerned about your well being.

    [This Message was Edited on 05/07/2011]
  11. Saoirse3

    Saoirse3 Member

    You are absolutely right. It WAS a wake up call! Something I have been hoping for for 21 years is NOT going to happen. I will NEVER have a good relationship with my daughter. It is time to move on, to get strong for ME. I have given all my life. It just seemed like the thing to do, and I still enjoy giving to people, making people smile, helping where I can. But not this. This will NOT continue. So instead of being bitter and scared, I am going to learn how to be strong.

    I found an outlet the other day, one I didn't even consider before. There is a small hiking trail close to our house, that it closely monitored by the Fish and Game people and is part of the Kenai National Wildlife Refuge. I KNOW they would never go there, especially during the workday. Walking off my anger, my rage, my hurt really DOES help. I walk slowly and deliberately, and I stop when I feel like it. And with just the forest around me I can cry, screech, rage and give my emotions over to nature. I am not Native Alaskan but I DO believe in their ways, and I know nature has much to teach me.

    Secondly, I found a godsend of a person ( I also believe people are sent to us when we need them the most). He is a retired DOJ security officer, a hunter and a gun expert (no, I am NOT going to shoot them! It's against EVERYTHING I believe in!). He is going to teach me how to defend myself. I've only HELD a gun once in my life. But this IS Alaska, we DO have some pretty big wildlife (even though the two-foots are more frightening than the four-foots) and I want to learn the RIGHT way, the SAFE way.

    And last but not least, I am going to take a self-defense class and work towards a black belt. This may take a while, but what do I have but time? And when the time is right, I will move back to the Outer Banks. I have to so some serious financial planning first, and get everything lined up. No, I don't think it's running away, but I DO think it is best for my own self-preservation. I love Alaska and everything I have learned so far. But the feeling of being constantly watched is NOT for me.

    My husband wanted to yank their heads off and stick them on spikes when he heard of this. But I said "Why trade YOUR life for theirs? They are a waste of air. **I** need you more and you're so much better than that!" Our oldest daughter has been sending me so many messages of affirmation and how very much she loves me, NOT to give up, she believes in me. All I have to now is believe in MYSELF. Which will probably take a lot longer, since it is hard to believe in yourself after something like this happens. But it WILL happen, maybe not right away. I do know this much. Nobody will ever hurt me like this again, and if I have to say it 20 times a minute, I will make myself believe it!
  12. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    I can only imagine how hard this has all been for you but glad to hear that you are now having some faith in yourself to get things done, and to make sure no one takes advanatage of you ever again.

    Keep it up and keep us informed sweetie.! You are stronger than you think, I am sure of that !! You may have a few weak moments but I know you can overcome this mess in the end.

    Love ya,
  13. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    I want to mention a few things that are important for you to consider.

    1. Some states increase the penalties in incidents if guns are involved.

    2. If you are taking firearms training for self defense, it will be ineffective as you have told us you are unable to fire at anyone. To pull a gun as a threat when you know you will never use it, is how an intruder/attacker takes the gun away from you and uses it against you--and you (and possibly others) get hurt or killed. BAD SITUATION. Don't get a gun unless and until you are fully ready to use it (not as a threat) against an intruder/attacker per your firearms instructor. Your firearms instructor will tell you all of this.

    Good luck.