PLEASE HELP! Should i send my teenage daugher to live with her dad?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Fibrolady37, Oct 13, 2010.

  1. Fibrolady37

    Fibrolady37 New Member

    My 16 year old daughter goes out with friends is meant to come home to sleep she doesnt come home & doesent let me know.
    I try to ring or text her but get no reply.
    When i ask her why she does it she just says i didnt think youd be
    I have a lot of illnesses including very bad Depression & Bipolar Disorder i just feel like i cant cope with my daughter & wonder if it may be better if she goes to live with her dad.
    I cry & blame myself asking what i have done wrong my partner says its not you its her.
    I cant cope she went out last saturday night & i knew she wouldnt come home even though
    she said she would do.
    Next day i asked where she was & she said her mobile battery died i asked why she didnt borrow 1 of her friends phones she didnt answer she just said sorry.
    Im REALLY worried about her but dont know what to do does any one else have this problem?
    May god bless you & yours.
  2. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    I am so sorry you have this problem.. It isn't your fault. My daughter is having the same problem with her youngest daughter and did with her oldest..

    I wish I had an answer for you but all I can say is I can relate and we have tried everything with out granddaughter. She doesn't come home.. will walk out and say nothing, doesn't seem interested in anything but hanging out. Same story with the phone.

    My heart breaks for you as I know the worry, angry and stress this causes.. What does her dad say about her living with him. Since your health is so bad it may be the best if he would be a good dad.

    Never had this problem with my children but sure have with these two granddaughters. The oldest will be 26 in a week she finally left home but left two babies for my daughter to raise.

    My daughter is a widow and my husband and I have taken care of the grandkids so they seem like ours. Now the grandson, the one we thought would give us he--, turned out to be a good kid except for being lazy..

    This seems to be the thing these days with some teens, its not you just the world they live in..

    Yes, have the problem but don't know what to do and them being 16 the law is no answer..

    So Sorry,

    LEFTYGG Member

    i had this problem with my son. hes 26 now and when i look back i think why did i let him even go out. it was easier than fighting with him but worse in the long run.

    DONT LET HER GO OUT!!! stick to you guns. really i wish i had it to do over. until she acts responsibly take everything gail
  4. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    I think Greatgran is right. It's the world they live in. I am an old man. Like
    lots of us seniors, I think the country has gone to Hades in a handbasket. Not
    only that, the handbasket was made in China.

    When was the last time young people heard about duty, responsibility,
    citizenship? They are saturated w/ movies, music and TV that emphasize
    glamor, sex, money, fame, drugs, etc. Celebrities and athletes are in and out of jail,
    relationships and rehab. And these are the highest paid and most admired
    people in the country.

    Seems clear she is not going to listen to you. I don't think your health will
    allow you to deal with all this. Better for you if her dad takes her on.

    I agree; you have plenty to worry about. But one can't stop a runaway train
    or a determined teenager.


  5. Molly B

    Molly B New Member

    My 15 yr old son lives with his father, and my 6 yr old daughter lives with her father.

    So many issues forced this to happen, but my constant pain and the aggravation it causes me, has me on edge. I know I'm a great Mom. I do what I can, but when I get compared to other parents, it makes me sad and angry.

    Both my children dont really understand my condition. They just know everyday is a "crap shoot" as to whether I'm able to function.

    I think I come across to them like I don't care. My depression/anxiety is increasing. Mind is swirling.

    Some days I think "Is this all there is?"
  6. quanked

    quanked Member

    Clearly you are thinking about your responsibility toward your child. It is unfortunate that you are dealing with this matter while you are so ill. Being a mom is a thankless job most of the time.

    Your daughter's behavior is nothing new. I am senior and I recall this kind of behavior back in the 60's--it just seems more prevalent now. I dealt with this kind of stuff in the 80's with my daughter.

    If, after figuring out what you are able to do and not able to do, you believe that you are not able to parent your teen adequately then I think her father is an option if you believe that he can do BETTER than you can at this time and he is WILLING AND INTERESTED in the job. Is he a safe choice?

    In your evaluation you might consider who might be able to help you parent your child if she were to remain in your home.

    You can call the police as often as you like but bottom line is that it is not against the law to run away, it is not against the law to stay out all night even at 16. The police deal with crimes. If you believe that your child is at high risk of harm due to her behavior you can contact your state agency that deals with children--child services, child protection services and ask them to intervene. They may or may not intervene. This is a drastic measure but sometimes some situations require an extreme response.

    I agree with the idea that your teen needs to be taught about rules, responsibility, respect, boundaries and so on. However, this can be very difficult to do if you are ill. You need help--from your X, from the community, from extended family, from where ever you can get it.

    Frontline, a program that is on public television, did a documentary about the teen brain. You might be able to get a copy at your local library or see it online. It helps me each time I (I see it about 2 or 3 times a year due to the volunteer work I do) see it--it reminds me of what my granddaughter is going through (she is soon to be 16) at her age. It reminds me that we do not see the world the same way--it is not possible given her brain development. It helps some issues seem less personal. Our brains are not fully developed until we are 26 or 27.

    Good luck. Keep us posted on this if you can.

  7. Fibrolady37

    Fibrolady37 New Member

    you so much g g for your reply im so grateful for that.
    I cant say why but it is defineltely not agood idea for my girl to go live with her dad no way.
    I love my daughter very very much & as a single parent ive done a fantastic job of bringing my daughter up everyone says so & i know i have done.
    She can be so lovely then she can change so quickly & she knows that the more she screams & shouts at me i usually have a good cry.
    I know im not on my own there are thousands of other parents in the same position but i bet they dont all have ME Fibro & all the other illnesses i have that makes it so much harder it really does.
    I feel a connection with you gg i just want you to know that & thanks again for your advice it has really helped me.
    Take care.
    May god bless you & yours.
    Please keep in touch im always here for you.
  8. Fibrolady37

    Fibrolady37 New Member

    gail thank you for replying to my post.
    Its so hard i have kept her in before & i get sworn at screamed &shouted at it really really hurts me so much.
    Now i take her mobile phone off her & dont let her go on the lap top that way she cant talk to her friends.
    It didnt used to be like this because she used to go to her dads every week end until she turned 16 & started going out with her friends & going to parties.
    I tell her not to swear at me & not to talk to me like she does she just tells me to shut up & storms off.
    Take care.
  9. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    You have my sympathy - raising kids is not easy. However - I hate to hear parents say, what am I doing wrong, or where did I go wrong or anything like that.

    So what if she gets mad, yells and screams. Let her. YOU are the parent. She is the child.
    If her yelling and acting that way is going to let her get her way, then she's going to continue to do that until she gets her way every time. You saying "no" to her will never mean anything.
    It's like a 3 yr old throwing a temper tantrum. Any kid that told me to shut up would be in HUGE trouble in my house.

    There are consequences to her actions that she had got to learn. As parents it is our job, our duty to teach our children before they go out into the real world. We are doing them a HUGE disservice by not teaching them those things. Other people aren't going to let them throw a fit to let them get their way. RESPECT is taught at home. She is testing you as all kids do. Kids do that where they feel safest, at home. They WANT boundaries even though they act like they don't. I should say even though they don't know they do.

    I was talking to an old childhood friend the other day. I wasn't a very nice 16 yr old to my Mom. Not horrible and luckily I wasn't into drugs or anything but my friends go to go out when they wanted and where they wanted. My Mom didn't let me. I thought my Mom was the mean one. The other day my girlfriend told me - "Your Mom was the one that cared". Wow.

    Mom and I are best friends now so that comment really meant a lot to me.

    Do NOT let your illness play a part in how your discipline or raise your daughter. You can say "No, period" as easily as you can say "okay". Do NOT let her know that you struggle to tell her no or anything else. You have got to be strong or she'll walk all over you.
    Tough love. I know it's hard and your feelings are hurt, but you've got to remember that you're not doing you or her any favors by letting her get away with how she's treating you. It may be easier - but only NOW, in the short term.

    Reward and encourage her when she is kind, loving and following your house rules. Have you talked to her? Asked her why she is acting the way she does, is she dealing with something (or being a rebellious teenager)

    You, my friend don't need this stress, so take a nice hot bath, light some candles and resolve to take back your household. You're the Mom!!

  10. Fibrolady37

    Fibrolady37 New Member

    thanks for your reply.
    I love my daughter very very much & she isnt always defying me.
    She is a very attractive young lady & she is very very intelligent girl & she really loves me so much.
    I sit her down & talk to her & tell her that she cant keep going out & not letting me know that she isnt coming home because i really really worry thats what i as a parent do i tell her how much it upsets me & how much i really worry about her.
    She apologises & says she will come home in future the last time she went out she came home.
    I do punish her i take her mobile phone off her & i only let her use the lap to do her college course work & yes i do keep checking to see what she is doing.
    Its a very effective punishment it really is she hates it but she has to be punished i might be really really ill & getting worse as time goes on but i still show her who is boss!
    I have very good reasons for not wanting her to go & live with her dad.
    My partner wants me to move in with him & i have said yes so we are saving up.
    Thanks for your reply.
  11. Fibrolady37

    Fibrolady37 New Member

    You are right i do have a responsibility to my child & i have devised suitable punishments for her.
    They are very effective & do work for your information.
    How dare you insult us parents by saying if you arent willing to be responsible then dont breed.
    We arent animals how dare you insult me i am very very ill & you are seriously out of order who do you think you are?
    I really wish you hadnt replied to my post im very very ill & your reply hasnt helped at all.
  12. Fibrolady37

    Fibrolady37 New Member

    Molly thanks for your reply.
    You can only do so much it isnt your fault you are ill.
    And your kids love you you are their mum molly.
    None of us asked to be ill its just life babes.
    Take care.
    May god bless you & yours.
  13. quanked

    quanked Member

    I do not think the officers here are different from where you live. I just know it is NOT against the law to runaway in any state of the United States. I know this because I had a defiant teen age daughter in the early 80's. I remember calling the police for help and the police are the ones who told me that it is not against the law to runaway. I somehow believed that it was.

    Now what an officer chooses to do in any given situation is another matter. I leaned in a sociology class that it is law enforcement workers who are on the front lines that determine, in many ways, how any given police matter may unfold. This statement could be a topic for a very interesting book on criminology.

    I talked with the police, juvenile probation workers, CPS case workers and others about how to deal with my daughter who continually ran away. This is the advice I eventually acted on--get my daughter criminally charged and once that occurs the juvenile justice system will have a method to control her.

    I am very aware that you can have a child declared "incorrigible" (to use an old term) in certain cases because my daughter was made a ward of the state (her father had this done and I was not consulted). But it is important to know parents will be sent a bill for the services of the state when their minor child is in their care. It is also worth noting the state often does its own damage to a child in its care.

    My daughter is now 40 and has led a horrific and sad life. It is painful to me to know about some of the choices she has made and continues to make. I regret following the advice of the so called "experts". I was desperate to get her off the streets because I feared what might happen to her. Many years later I would learn that my worst fears were realized during some of her runaways. In retrospect I now know having my daughter charged criminally did not improve the situation one iota and would later create problems for her.

    Police can manipulate children and uninformed adults because of their ignorance. Police can say anything and some do. I am not saying manipulation is always a bad thing. Everyday police exploit children's ignorance and the power differential that exists between children and adults. It does not surprise me to hear that an officer was able to redirect the behavior of an acting out teenager. And based on your report of the child's reaction I would bet this child is not aware of her limited rights. Dad better watch out if she gets clued in.

    I do not know what the state trooper said to the child in his car but I do know that he cannot arrest this child for running away or defying her parents (he might have some leverage with the profanity). He can arrest the child for breaking the law. Any good child rights attorney might be able to make a case against this State Trooper for illegally detaining this child. Do not get me wrong--I am not saying that this is what should happen. I guess I have a problem with our system that on one hand does not give many rights to children (in most cases the parents' rights generally supersede their children's rights) but on the other hand wants to hold them up to adult standards.

    I have known of police officers who will intervene with runaways in a peace maker kind of fashion but they have no legal authority to detain a child if the law is not being broken. If a child is on the streets and has no means of caring for her/himself theoretically it may be possible to arrest the child for vagrancy. I imagine some officers are quite creative when dealing with acting out teenagers.

    What I say here is based on my own personal experiences as well as professional experiences as a social worker.

  14. Molly B

    Molly B New Member

    Maybe you dont truly understand this msg board. This is a place where we can come to vent, reach out, advise, console, etc. But certainly not to criticize another.

    You never spoke of your OWN dealings with your OWN child, so I wonder about your real experience.

    Instead of "broadcasting" your obvious lack of tenderness, consider stepping back to learn from us. I believe you will be a richer soul for doing so.

    We are not crybabies here. Just real people that have the guts to put our thoughts out there and have every right to assume respect.

    Show some heart!
    Molly B
  15. Molly B

    Molly B New Member

    that posted to Fibrolady...thank you all! I didn't have much support to give her BUT from all the strength and experience that is being shared here, I too feel much stronger and more capable than ever.

    Bring it on :)
    Peace and Love
  16. Fibrolady37

    Fibrolady37 New Member

    Quanked thank you so much for taking the time to reply its so good to hear from you.
    I really appreciate every thing youve said & the valid points that you raised we all have very valuable opinions on things.
    Im going to post an update when i have replied to every ones replies to let you all know how i am getting on.
    Take care.
    May god bless you & yours.
  17. TigerLilea

    TigerLilea Active Member

    Hi BroadCasting - You might want to consider using a different word rather than the term "breeding". The use of the word sounds somewhat offensive. Most people bring children into the world out of love, not because they wanted to breed.
  18. amomwithsickkids

    amomwithsickkids New Member

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. The teenage years are very challenging, even for healthy parents. Kina's advice is very practical.

    Please stand strong and understand that your illness does not define you or how you should parent.

    The vast majority of healthy parents are not superheroes who possess extraordinary parenting skills. They don't spend much time pondering how to be a better mother or father.

    Because you are ill maybe you are overthinking/overcompensating to make up for not being a "better" or "healthy" parent.

    Remember that there are a lot of healthy people who are awful parents.

    Sick or healthy, the most important thing you can do for your kids is to let them know they are loved. Tell them how much they mean to you. Hug them and hang out with them whenever you can. They will resist and roll their eyes but they ultimately will be grateful for your guidance, interaction and affection.

    30 years from now they won't remember that you had the heating pad on your back and were in so much pain.

    They'll look back and remember that you loved them more than anything else in the world. And at the end of the day that is what matters most to a child.

    But back to your situation. You are her mother. You know what is in her best interest. She apparently does not belong with her father.

    Don't second guess yourself because you have an illness.

    And PS to Broadcasting, I agree with Tigerlili. Most people bring children into the world out of love. The word "breeding" is pretty harsh. But I do understand and appreciate where you're coming from.

  19. TigerLilea

    TigerLilea Active Member

    Hi BroadCasting - I had to laugh when I read that I am most likely of "very refined and noble breeding". Not even close :) Maybe because of my love for kids I just find the term offensive as you have used it. To my way of thinking, you breed animals, not humans.
  20. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    have a talk with your ex and your daughter together if you can. Make up rules for your daughter that she must follow or there will be an action that she won't like. she can't be trusted to go out with friends, set strong rules adn stick to your guns, ok every thing with her dad so that if she breaks all the rules and the pusihment fails to make an impression , make sure that she can stay with her dad, and that his rules are the same as yours. TAke the cell phone away, report her as a runaway.There are many different ways to handle this but it will take the assistance with her dad, & both partners as they do have some say in how your daughter is raised, where she lives and who she lives with . TAlk this over with all parties, let your daughter know that her actions are hurting you and as a minor she by law has to follow your rules or be punished. Remeber while thinking of sending her away from you hurts she is hurting you and your health. You love her very much or you would not be so upset over her behavior. Let her know that you love her and want her to live with you but to do so she must follow the rules, even if it means that she has to live with her dad. Like I said before you really send her to her dad make sure he wants her with him full time, and that he wants her raised in a simalar manner, she has rules to follow if rules are broken there is a punishment for it. Talk to every one involved,
    Big HUGS for you