PLEASE...I am bawling my eyes out...I cannot take this anymore!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by CinCA, Jan 21, 2006.

  1. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    I have posted so many times about the fact my husband is FORCING me to move to an area I absolutely hate because he has this great, high-paying new job that supposedly is a "once in a lifetime opportunity" that will "change our whole opportunity to achieve our goals in life". Yeah, if it doesn't kill me first, and sadly, I am saying this quite literally the way things are heading (and NO, it is nothing about the "S" word whatsoever)! I was dx'd with CFS about 6 months ago after having worsening health problems over the past several years. BTW, I am "only" 36. I am to the point where I cannot take stress in any way, shape or form...it manifests itself so strongly physically. My body is overloaded with toxins, I weigh a skeletal 92 or 93 lbs. now on a "good" day (and I'm 5'3"...should weigh around 100-105 per my historical "set point"). I barely eat (and feel sick when I do), and my sleep is tortured (and interrupted by a badly snoring husband who refuses to sleep anywhere else and a 4 y.o. child who keeps waking multiple times at night herself). I have no family whatsoever to turn to for help, quite seriously, nor do I really have friends who would take me in. My doctor keeps telling me I have GOT to cut my stress. Yes, so why is my husband MAKING me move???? BTW, he refuses to believe in or even research CFS, talk to my doctor, etc. But our daughter was dx'd with high-functioning autism 1 1/2 years ago, and he didn't believe that, either, nor go to ANY of her evals, therapy appts., etc.

    Just today, I was doing some not-too-intense gardening, as my husband is h*** bent on getting our house on the market in time for a Tues. broker preview/open house thing. The yard needs a fair amount of work, and that has always been my deal. I am so weak even this minimal amount of work (pulling some weeds, cleaning up some leaves, and planting 2 5-gal. plants) has me now shaking, exhausted, and so upset. I can't do this PLUS clean the whole house on Monday (my realtor couldn't arrange for a cleaner in time, as hubby just came up with this idea the other night) PLUS care for my kid PLUS do the loads of laundry (she is peeing in her pants at least once every single day and has been for the past 4 mo. no matter what we do) PLUS stay on top of the dishes and of course give my husband the attention he so needs. He is constantly telling me how I am not meeting his needs, how I don't cook for him, how he is so tired of me being sick...it goes on and on. It's awful! I just want to stay in this house for awhile and have the peace and quiet I need so I can stop this downhill slide in my health before things really get bad and I REALLY get sick. There is no way my body can handle just the physical upheaval of moving at this point (finding my way around, even, something I've historically been good at, is enough to put me over the edge). Not to mention the deep emotions, esp. the fact I am SO unhappy about where we are moving and I feel my husband will do NOTHING to acknowledge it. He says I liked it the first time I went up there. Yeah, it seemed nice, on a Sun. afternoon with minimal traffic and being shown all these beautiful homes in beautiful open land and meeting the nicest people. He also told me later on that my opinion "didn't matter" as I "could not think rationally" about the decision, when I started to really have second thoughts. Since then, I've learned more about real estate and don't know if even our ample budget will be enough, I have met truly horrible people, and after the 4 HOUR 115 mi. commute back from our rental house the other week (I went up there to drop off the lease), I just had it.

    I am even to the point where I called a lawyer and asked about filing for divorce (something I swore I'd never, ever do 'cause of our daughter), and I have told my husband this. He says divorce won't let me keep our house, because he will demand his half and I obviously can't pay that out, nor will I even be able to pay the mortgage as I haven't worked since I got pregnant (and promptly got very sick) with our daughter. He even says he will fight tooth and nail for custody for her, as I am such the incompetent mom and so emotionally unstable. I feel completely trapped!

    I live in CA, and if anyone knows anything about anywhere I can go for help, or you know of a good divorce lawyer in O.C., please tell me! There have been zero instances of physical abuse (although much emotional), so it'll be a "he said/she said" thing, which I'm scared of because of all the ramifications of CFS and all the stress I've been under. If I had ANY idea how this would've turned out, I would have never, EVER gotten married to this man, and looking back, I should not have written off all the "pre-wedding jitters" I experienced. But now I also have a beautiful 4 y.o. daughter, and I need to protect her interests, too.

    Thanks to anyone who can help me in any way. I honestly don't know where to turn with all of this, and I am so sick.
  2. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    that you are having to go through this right now. I did understand that emotional abuse is valid in CA as a reason to file petition. However, it also seems that your DH is extremely arrogant. For starters, IF your child does have HF autism, she needs a lot of special help and schooling, whether he beleives in dx or not. I have an autistic child and know this. I certainly wouldn't be lifting a finger right now if you feel ill. It could be that you may do as well by letting him just go ahead and move ahead of you to his job, is that an option while you stay with the house while it is "on the market". In the meantime you could maybe clear your way to talk with a counselor who could advise you. A thought is that if the house sells, then in CA law you are entitled to half plus your child is also entitled to support. I worry that DH is moving you to another state where divorce laws aren't so much in your favor. Is this the case? Where is he moving to? Be very careful here. Can you just move to another room at night even if he won't? Re the wetting the pants, autistic kids often have poor bladder control, my son was in pull ups till he was 8 then suddenly got OK, so don't stress over this, just let her wear pull ups. I had to get huge jumbo ones at the end. I just wish you had someone who could be there for you. Is there a crisis hot line in your area or a Women's Community Center as the people are often a valuable resource for woman to women help. Do you belong to a religious group? I guess they would have helped you if you did, if you are, and they havn't helped, let them know. Is your child in school or Head start of Special program. If she is dx HFA you are entitled to schooling for free with pick up at the door at three and a half. Contact your education authority re this.

    Try and eat, even "Ensure" if you can stand it-anything that is a health food bar, so that you don't lose any more weight. If you aren't getting the nutrients you need you will feel worse, so see how you can get those as I say with Ensure. What does your doctor say? I would like to know you are OK and I am sure people will answer you besides myself, so just hold on, write my User name if you want direct, and I'll keep checking the boards. I am very worried about you.
    Love Anne
  3. GBHope

    GBHope New Member

    I hope someone can give you some good advice. It sounds like you are really having a hard time. I do know you need to find a way to take care of your health somehow. I'm sorry I don't have any great advice, but hopefully someone will give you some good feedback. You take care and know we are all thinking about you and praying for things to work out for you.

    GBHope
  4. ellie5320

    ellie5320 New Member

    I wish I could suggest more but do not know your laws etc but could you suggest if your hubby really wants to go he goes first to organise at establish things and the later you go and if you do feel like it later worry about it then as when you are not living together you will find out how you feel about him the other suggestion is to write down 2 columns the for and against when things are written down they do not seem so bad just step back and try to think clearly as for you cfs he surely can see when you are not well if not I do not know what to suggest good luck
    Linda
  5. CinCA

    CinCA New Member

    First, we are relocating just a couple hours up the coast, so we'll still be in CA (but now north of L.A.). So state laws won't change, which is good.

    Second, no, hubby won't let me stay behind, partly because we signed a lease for a rental house. We also have already withdrawn our daughter from her preschool and have another one ready to go. BTW, she is doing VERY well and never had the classic verbal delays, so the most svcs. we got were some minor pragmatics/"socialization" things through the school district last year (and we did private-pay OT and ST through our insurance). Apart from the potty thing, which I think may be related to her being in a "younger" preschool class this year, she is doing great. She currently is in a Montessori school, and she missed the cutoff for the pre-K/K class, although she is so smart and ready for it, so her mixed-age class now is mostly younger than her with almost all new kids. This has caused several regressive behaviors we've struggled with all year. The new school will let her into the pre-K/K class, which we hope will help. Hubby and she also do NOT want our family "split up", and he is NOT willing to commute.

    As for my health, I can't stand Ensure after getting stomach flu shortly after downing one a year ago, but Boost is okay (I get the "high protein" formula). I am currently out of it, and I'm too tired to go to the grocery store. Maybe tomorrow. Honestly, even that is upsetting my stomach...it just does NOT want much food (kind-of like when you are sick and just can't eat). I do see my doctor Tuesday morning, and I keep in touch with him regularly.

    Honestly, I am doing amazingly well considering all that has gone on in my life and the vast amount I've had to shoulder myself. It's funny...I now serve as a resource for the friends I've met who also have "high needs" kids. It's a very lonely world, esp. when your kid is in the grey area where the "typical kid" parents think YOU are the problem and you have the biggest brat in the world when she throws a fit, but she is doing so "well" that the sp. ed. parents all resent you and wonder why you are complaining. We did get VERY lucky with how far she has come, but sadly, I almost feel like she is sucking the energy out of me, because I have in tandem gotten that much worse. I am so very proud of our kiddo, though, and fortunately we can afford to have her in school 4 days a week, to give me a break. The new school will be 5 full days, as she'll be in the "big kids'" program, and I actually am sad about it, as much as I like my space and as independent as my daughter is.

    I'm over the crying fit (they never last long...they don't do much, really), but I still feel awful. Guess I'll go fertilize my plants. The stuff I use is easy to apply but smells terrible (it's organic and pungent), but my poor plants have been so neglected. Maybe some more sunshine will make me feel better...there's still an hour or so 'til the sun goes down. The sunsets have been absolutely gorgeous lately, too...I feel like Mother Nature is torturing me by rubbing in my losing our beautiful view! No, seriously, I am just trying to enjoy them.

    Thank you again.
  6. lcaldwell

    lcaldwell New Member

    hello

    i am sorry as well. i really have no exact words that will make your situation better. i have cfids/fms and have been ill for 7 years. through this time i am learning to only control those things i can. so let's look at that.

    your husband not even believing the diagnosis for your child shows he is not thinking when he says he wants custody. nevertheless, your child needs you to take care of yourself so that you can take care of her. you need to eat. i was once like you. i had no appetite and weighed only 100 pounds. when i became ill my weight would drop drastically. there were times when i looked like a pure skeleton. i had to quit my job last year and the lower stress level immediately increased my apetite.

    so, get your nutrition somehow. juicing is a viable option that doesn't require a big appetite. it could benefit your health in so many ways. take vitamins and supplements. get sleep. talk to your doctor.

    get counseling immediately. find someone who can guide you to making the best decision that you can. this is a tough illness and we can't do it alone. i understand your plight somewhat though because i don't have any emotional support from those close to me. i have shed so many tears. but i am learning that i am not responsible for other people's lack of compassion, knowledge or empathy. that is between them and God. Which brings me to the most important thing, i think....

    faith. i hope that you have a faith that you can lean on. it is the ONLY thing that gets me up on some mornings. my belief that God is going to bring me out...that He is going to put forth useful resources. PRAY. it really makes a difference.

    i hope that i have given some helpful information. please just hang in there. i know it seems like there will never be good times again. but trust me there will be. lean on the faith of others suffering in the same way. you adjust your life to this "thing" and gain a new maybe even better life. no one, not a mother or father or husband, can take away your possibilities.
  7. sofy

    sofy New Member

    All the posts were too long for me to read entirely but I will tell you I was married to a military man for over 20 years and moved MANY times. Each time was stressful but each time was a positive in the end.

    My daughter became a world citizen who sees the world not just from her tiny circle viewpoint. My horizons grew beyond what I ever thought possible. Each time I had to leave someplace I loved and I went with the idea that if I opened myself up I would find more to love in the next place and it was true.

    I would up seeing thing and meeting people I never would have encountered. This is just to let you know that moving doesnt have to be all bad. My adult daughter will tell anyone and everyone that the moving around during her maturing years was the best part of her becoming the open accepting person she is. She had many more experience that 99.9% of her friends.

    I dont know your husband and dont want to take his side but if he is the sole provider of the family his job should have some extra consideration. If you deny him this opportunity he may very well be happy about a divorce so please weight your concens about moving carefully.

    Being a single parent can be just as stressful as moving. All changes are hard but many are worth it.

    I hope all works out and that you can work things out for the best for all of you.

  8. Tigger57

    Tigger57 New Member

    The only thing I can say is...

    ((((((((((((((((Cinca)))))))))))))))))

    I'll be sending good thoughts your way. I can't imagine.

    Tigger
  9. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    Your husband is abusing you. You need to leave him as soon as you can.

    If he doesn't care for you enough to consider your feelings, then he really doesn't care.

    If you can't leave him now, then make him go to the doctor with you so the doctor can look him in the eye and tell him your problem is legitimate.

    He is dismissing you. No wonder you're sick.

    I'm sorry you're going through this alone.
    I'm glad you have this board.

    K.
  10. poodlemommy

    poodlemommy New Member

    All I can do is share my own experience. This time a year ago my marriage and health were a mess. My husband was not abusive physically either but he had serious addiction issues. WE have done all the recovery stuff for many years so that was no longer an option. I made the choice last Feb to end the marriage. It was not easy as I really loved this man and wanted it to work. Now I can tell you a year later I feel like a new woman. I have never lived on my own or been without a man. This year I have not dated and lived by myself in my lovely house and I sometimes have to pinch myself to see if my life is real. I have never been so at peace, so content, so stress free and so balanced about who I am and where my life is headed. Its really hard being sick with fibro and dealing with major life stressors . I knew if I didnt change something I was GOING TO DIE. I got cancer 4 years ago during a very stressful time in my marriage, job, etc and I know stress was the cause. Thats when I knew i needed to make major life choices. YOU are NEVER stuck, and you always have a choice. I love my life today and wouldnt trade it for all the money or romance in the world. I hope you find the courage you need to make the right choice for you. I dont have little ones at home so it was an easier road. I did leave a prior marriage though with two children to raise and I did just fine. God bless and I hope you find some peace in all of this.
    hugs poodlemum
  11. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    Dear Cinca,
    Your situation makes me so sad! Your heart must be crushed.

    I think sometimes men don't know how to handle illness and so they are afraid of it. Then they deny it. Sometmes, they cannot separate their egos from their children, and become insulted if anone suggests that the little ones are not perfect in every way. They are so blind.

    Forgive me, but he sounds like such a baby. You are the one who is sick. He should be taking care of you, not expecting you to take care of him. Have you thought of what your life will be like with him in that new job? Will it entail entertaining and coctail parties? Please think things through carefully.

    I think the idea of writing things down on a "pro" and "con" list is a really good one. You might want to weight your items, and write the very important ones twice.

    Statistically, staying together for the child doesn't seem to work. Your child already knows you are at odds with eachother. Children are very intuitive, and know much more than most adults realize. Maybe the stress is hurting her, too.

    He cannot make you go. Just go to the mall early on moving day with our little girl, or just refuse to leave the house. Who does he think he is?

    I've never been in your situation, but I empathize with the frustration and emotional pain you are suffering. Could you get your Dr. to talk to him and tell him that you shouldn't move right now? That he could go ahead, and you, if you choose to, can come later?

    God bless you, and help you make the decision that is the best one for both you and your little girl.

    Big hugs,
    Terry p.s. Be sure to get a letter from your doctor about this. You might need it sometime in the future. T.
  12. wildwoodlane

    wildwoodlane Member

    dear, about your dilemma but I think you will find out your hubby is bluffing. It would be nearly impossible for him to get custody of your daughter. Do you have Legal Aid in your area where you could get some advice? You have rights and deserve to have your needs considered. If this move is out of your control, just try to make the best of it and seek out counseling, support groups, doctors, and women's issue organizations immediately in your new location. Believe me, I know what a domineering husband is all about -- I had one for 30 years before divorcing him. Try to build yourself up in all ways possible and become the assertive person you are or can be! I know this is hard when you are ill and exhausted but "tie a knot and hang on." Stay in touch with this website -- there are so many wonderful people here and you find you are not alone. Best of wishes to you and don't ever, ever give up!

    wildwoodlane
  13. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Each partner is entitled to half. You don't have to "buy" your half interest in a house.
    .

    I wrote this board about exchanging info. I was told you cannot post e mail addresses, but you can agree to meet someone in a chat room and exchange info there.

    Good luck.
  14. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    Your husband is just trying to intimidate you. You are NOT incompetent etc. If you truly want a divorce, see an attorney and get the true facts, don't listen to his threats.

    He will have to pay child support and you are entitled to 1/2 of all the assets.

    Don't be afraid. He cannot take your daughter. Just see an attorney and then make your decisions.
  15. sdown

    sdown New Member

    Ive been sick with CFS for 5 years. I met a wonderful doctor Dr. Ryser in Kansas City, Missouri. I was like you I had high, high stress. I thought my marriage wouldnt last. Im glad we stuck it out. I was diagnosed with Addison's disease (adrenal gland exhaustion). Get your adrenals tested. If your doc doesnt know how, find you that does. Doc also put me on SAMe which is a supplement available on this site. You wouldnt believe the difference. I was placed on cortef (hydrocortisone - its a steroid) and DHEA. I couldnt think straight before I was diagnosed. Then I had a metal test. They discovered mercury, aluminum, arsenic and nickel. I had several DMPS treatments to get rid of the metals. That also relieved some stress and cleared my head. Im taking neurontin for irritability. It also helps with my lack of focusing and concentrating. Its all helped. I really feel for you. Don't do anything drastic regarding your marriage. Now is not the time to give yourself more stress by going thru a divorce. Divorce is very stressful. Find a good doc who can find out what's wrong with you and then proceed to treat you. If you want to look up Dr. Carol Ann Ryser at Health Centers of America she has a very good website. If you can afford the trip to Kansas City it will be worth it. Id bring your daughter too. She used to be the Head of Infectious Diseases and also an expert in Pediatrics. Very experienced doctors. Take care.
  16. ScooterD

    ScooterD New Member

    Those three words I repeated over and over to myself while I was in a similar situation about 10 years ago - minus the child. You DO have family/friends to turn to...all of us on this Board!!
    A major help for me was reminding myself day to day that I don't have to find the answer or figure out what to do right now. When going thru this kind of turmoil, it can be so overwhelming - your mind races with ALL the issues at hand. So first realize not everything has to be decided today...maybe not even tomorrow. Then work hard at what your priority's need to be. Not SHOULD be...NEED to be. There's no "should" - we're all individuals with different dreams, wants and needs so remember YOU have control over the outcome. It may not seem like it but you really do. (I had to keep telling myself that I could be in control of my decisions no matter what "he" said - took awhile but I got there!) The other major help for me was learning when dealing with someone who has little or no respect for you (I'm sorry but I really think your hubby doesn't respect you at all) their mean-ness, threats, or demands were ONLY for intimidation purposes to try and control me. Ha! You take those things with Faith Courage and Strength, stand proud like the wonderful woman you are and the wonderful mother your daughter sees and needs, without allowing the intimidation to take you down a notch. Lastly, I met with an attorney just to ask his opinion/knowledge on the real issues of concern to me if I chose to divorce/separate from my husband. A huge weight off my shoulders - in the 45 minutes I found out ALL of the things I was threatened with would never stand a chance in Court. And that gave me even more faith, courage, and strength to lead me down the right path.
    I wish I could be of some help to you. I don't post that much but I needed to reach out to you - because I know what it's like - because you need to know someone does support and care for you. :>)

    Thoughts, Prayers and Gentle Hugs
  17. Dee50

    Dee50 New Member

    Don't forget about the Women's Shelter if you need them.
    I hope things get better soon for you and your daughter.
    I know life is hard when you are so ill.

    May you find peace and quiet soon.
    Dee50
  18. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    you don't tell the left hand what the right hand is doing!!!

    i went thru divorce here in california...i would not worry about him taking full custody of the child...hmm you are not working right....

    the is a sight on can go on called divorcelegalservices....has info on it...if has a childsupport calculator on it it is pretty close...there are nolo books for divorce at the library...seache ca divorce...

    it takes an awful lot to keep the other parent away from the child...

    you have know worries there..

    i don't think i would do anything until you seek legal councel...i am not saying do a divorce but get the real deal and go get the book or just sit and read it at a bookstore or library..

    i would see a marriage counsler secondly...if he doesn't wan to go you go yourself...are you on any antidepressants? maybe that is an option now...may help you thru a rough patch and no that is not going to affect you keeping full legal custody you will be the one that will get physical cusotdy-full...

    just be smarter than him...weigh your options..

    jodie
  19. shelbo

    shelbo New Member

    but why are you still married to some one who doesn't even believe you when you tell him what's wrong with you. Even if he doesn't believe CFS exists, he seems to be refusing to believe anything is wrong with you when you clearly have symptoms. And, his is expecting you to make a move that only one of you is happy about? I don't like the way he is rushing you to fit in with his timetable either...pushing you to have things done his way on a time scale he dictates.

    From what you have said, I think the guy is a jerk! I think you need to get tough with him. If you do all these things around the house and garden etc (even if it near enough kills you) you are not only going tomake yourself worse, you are going to give him the impression that you can do it and there's nothing wrong with you, just as he thought!

    Refusing to acknowledge your daughter's autism and offering no support whatsoever is deplorable. Is this guy so insecure that everything in his little world has to be perfect. I just think the further away form this a**hole you can get, the better!

    Do you have family out-of-state? Could you and you little girl not move in with family and not be part of this move at all? Then when the house is sold, split it and rent somewhere else to live, just you and your daughter? Surely, he'd have to pay you child support? He is not guaranteed custody...so, it'd suit him to say you have an illness to try to gain custody! HE'S A BULLY!! You have shown great support of your daughter in the diagnosis of her autism and you can say to any lawyer, with a clear conscience, that you husband has been negligent in this area. He is just trying to bully you!! Plus, emotional abuse IS abuse all the same. It is SIGNIFICANT!! If I were you, even a this stage, I would start to record in a diary what he says to you...date it and put the time.

    I am not even sensing that you love this man. And he seems to be forcing you to make massive changes in your life when it is already so hard for you. For what? So he can show off about living in a more affluent neighbourhood? What about you? He needs to know that money and status are not everything!

    I take marriage seriously but if I were you I would be out of there! This man seems so self-obsessed that he can't see beyond his own insignificant materialistic needs to see your huge problems and the very negative impact this would have on your life!

    I hope this works out. I don't want to be harsh but I have given you the best advice I can, in my opinion.

    I will be thinking of you. Let us know how it all works out.

    Shelbo
    [This Message was Edited on 01/22/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 01/22/2006]
  20. Mar19

    Mar19 New Member

    Sweetie, you shouldn't be subject to all of this.

    My advice to you would be to look in your phone book for a women's crisis center. Yes, they are primarily aimed at physical abuse, but emotional abuse is every bit as real. I did this myself about 20 yrs ago.

    The women there were wonderful. There were lawyers who came in to counsel the women on a pro bono basis and let them know exactly what their rights were. The one I had was a God-send. I talked to her at the center and again at her office (she charged me something like $20 for that visit).

    I never did file for divorce, although I took all the necessary papers from her. I had four young children at the time and it was a lot to think about.

    I kept those papers for years -- kind of a security blanket of sorts, I guess. :)

    About the same time I started going to a counsellor. I first asked my dh if he would sit down with me and talk things thru, he, of course, thought there was no problems. Ha! I called this counsellor and he was willing to work with me on a sliding scale.

    I gave my dh the option of either talking with me, or paying for me to talk to someone else. It was a huge step for me, and a scary one. I was at the end of my rope though. I went once a week for almost a year at $50 per visit.

    DH would complain about how much $$ I was "throwing away" and I kept reminding him all it would take on his part was for him to sit down and talk with me and try to work things out. He repeatedly refused, so everytime he brought up the $$$ issue, I just let him know it was *his* choice, not mine. (Inside I wasn't half as brave as I was on the outside.)

    Like I said, that was about 20 years ago and it made a huge difference in my life. DH and I still run into hard times now and again, but what I learned from the women's center and the counsellor were very useful life lessons that have helped me cope and stand up for myself.

    Actually, right now I'm back in one of those slumps again and deciding what I should do. The counsellor I saw back then has moved out of state. I'm going to give this maybe two more weeks before I take any action. At this point I'm doing a lot of praying and a lot of standing firm.

    My kids are all grown now, so I don't have that responsibility to worry about any more. I have a close friend who moved about 3 hours away -- I'm thinking I just may take a "vacation" to get away for a bit and see what happens. If things are still the same when I come back, then I'll set myself up with another counsellor or something.

    The most important lesson I learned back then was that I was being abused emotionally. It was not all in my head, I was not being "too sensitive" -- or whatever he chose to call it. I learned to see myself in a realistic light -- both my good and not-so-good qualities -- and not let myself be taken advantage of. Maybe I need a "refresher course". :)

    Take that first step and check out women's centers nearby. They'll be able, at least, to point you in the right direction.

    Love and blessings
    Mar
    [This Message was Edited on 01/22/2006]

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