Please may i have a friendly ear?...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Shelbyeatenton, Feb 6, 2006.

  1. Shelbyeatenton

    Shelbyeatenton New Member

    I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia probably about 6 months ago now and have been ill for about 1 year and 3 1/2 months. I know thats nothing compared to how long some people on here have.
    Before i got sick i was training to be a dancer. Studying ballet and contemporary dance. I started classes when i was two years old. Its all i have ever done, and all i have ever wanted to do.
    Now i feel empty inside. I am in so much pain i am unable to walk and have been in a wheelchair for 4/5 months and whenever i feel myself take one step forward something happens and i get pushed two steps back. I feel terrified that my family/friends will move forward and leave me behind or just forget about me. That i'll be left just sat here not only just alone (I can handle being just alone) but being left alone AND lonely. This is something that scares me stupid.
    I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 9 months and we have had some absolutely fantastic times and obviously some hard times, but he has always been so so supportive of me and the FMS. Now he has said that he just wants us to be friends and i feel so rejected. the worst thing about it is i dont feel he included me in his decision, we always talk things through and he didnt talk this through. I dont feel ready to give up fighting for our relationship, thats the ONLY thing i feel is worth fighting for at the moment.
    The depression that i have been battling with, especially over this last month, has sunk to another level. I seem to have lost all hope, I have wanted to keep fighting up until now but at the moment i just see no point. I am exhausted by my emotions and my efforts of "keeping going". How long can you fight and fight before something gives? I have lost "me" in all this pain, exhaustion and medications.
    The only thing i have ever trained, dreamed or ever simply wanted to do is now feels like a distant memory. I wouldnt even know where to start if i worked again? I have thoughts about it but nothing, NOTHING compares. I would probably enjoy it, but it wouldn't have my heart. I just see no point, i worked so hard in my training, worked so hard to be the best, not the best in my class or anything, just the best i can be, and its been taken away from me in such a cruel way and every time i move there is a reminder of what i could have been and then also what i'll never be. That hurts, and i'm not sure if i can ever learn to cope with that.

    Thank you simply for listening,
    Much Love and Best Wishes,
    Shelby
    xxxxx
  2. pastorwife

    pastorwife Member

    I hear you. This is one of the worst diseases to get "adjusted" to. Just when you think you're there, you get another blow.

    Have you seen your doctor about the depression? An additional med or boost may help you overcome your feelings.

    It is so hard to go from doing what you have always done to doing nothing. Mine was more mental work than physical, but my symptoms, until recently were more mind/brain related than body/physical.

    Even though I am married and we are committed to each other, there have been many times where I just wanted to "set him free." I'm miserable to be around sometimes. It's hard to understand why he's still with me, so I do appreciate that he is.

    My friends have come and gone through this. A few have stuck it out with me and genuinely care. Most of the others I lost because I don't work anymore (ie, co-workers). Others I have ditched because all I heard from them was "if you only...(did this or that, ate this or that, tried to...)." They only added to my frustration.

    I can't begin to imagine having to give up such an active life as you have. I pray that you will find something else you can be as passionate about and find the "new you." Shedding the old you may not be as bad as it feels right now. You may surprise yourself.

    I've been unable to work for 4 1/2 years now. Days go by where I dream of being the old me...working, enjoying life... and then wham! a flare hits and knocks me for a loop. By now, I've pretty much put that all aside and looked elsewhere for meaning and purpose and enjoyment. It's tough finding something when you are in such pain and depression, but it is out there.

    Hope you begin to feel uplifted. This message board is awesome and has helped me through some tough times.
  3. Kinsie

    Kinsie New Member

    You have a friendly ear here. I am not able to relate to you in your dancing career since I work in an office, but my heart goes out to you for what you have been through. I know you feel a terrible loss. I wish a miracle would come your way so that you might be able to dance again one day. If not, I pray that you will find something that will give you peace even in the midst of your loss.

    Your friend,


    Kinsie
  4. Adl123

    Adl123 New Member

    Dear Shelby,
    I'm so very sorry that you are experiencing this. You sound quite young. This can be devastating, I know. Through all of what you go through, please don't forget to come to us for support. Everyone here is more than happy to support you and comfort you at any time.

    I know it is very overwhelming and painful, on many levels. If I may suggest, please don't worry about the future. All anyone has is today, and doing the best we can today, no matter what our abilities or capabilities are. Planning for the future, and making reasonable plans, is not worrying, and is necessary, but please try to live in the present moment as much as you can.

    I'm so sorry about your boyfriend. He is probably overwhelmed. People just can't seem to understand what we go through, unless they have gone through it themselves. With most men, it seems that they are afraid, and don't
    know how to handle it, because they can't "make it better" and so they feel helpless.

    Feeling that you have lost the endurance to dance must be devastating. (That is something I always wanted to do, but I was too fat. LOL). Please let me share something that happened to me, although I'm much older than you.

    I taught art and did as much painting as a teacher can do, all my life. When I got sick, I hoped that I would be able to paint, since I would be home. It has turned out to be hard, but I still paint. This is wht helped me:

    I found out that Renoir (one of my favorite artists) had Rheumatoid Arthritis. He was just beginning to be really appreciated when it got so bad that the brushes had to be tied to his hands. That is when his style changed to the lovely, soft paintings so many people know and love. I know thay are my favorites. His illness enabled him to create his greatest masterpieces.

    When I learned about him, I saw how he had persevered, and how he turned a crippling illness into a positive thing. That gave me courage to continue trying to paint. I changed my style and and now painting is easier for me, and is bringing me great joy.

    As long as you are trying, you ARE being the best you can be. Please, just don't compare yourself to others or to what you could do before you got sick. Just keep on going ahead, adjusting to what situations you find yourself in, loving yourself, and having compassion for yourself, just as you would for a little child who was sick. Things will get better.

    Be brave. Remember, we are here to support you.

    Big hugs,
    Terry


  5. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    Your post really touched my heart. I can feel your suffering and your frustration. This illness steals your life and it is so difficult to become adjusted to it. I was not living my life's dream, but I was an active, productive woman. This ilness changes you....in my case, for the better. Even though I'm in constant pain and exhausted and cannot socialize, cannot work, etc. etc.., after 8 years I am finally at peace with FMS and CFIDS. I have more patience and compassion.

    My advice to you would be to talk to your boyfriend and let him be honest with you about what he is feeling. Maybe he is just scared and doesn't know what to do. You need to be honest about how this is affecting you, too. Maybe he just can't cope and you are better off knowing that now than to have him fake it for years and then abandon you.

    My husband has stood by me, but it took him 8 years to finally be honest with me about how my illness has affected him. We talked and talked and he let go of some anger (not at me, but at FMS/CFIDS). He is such a good man that sometimes I think he might be better off without me, but then I remember that I didn't choose this, so it's no fun for me either. I have lost many pre-FMS/CFIDS friends, but I have met new friends who are there to help when I need them, but give me space when I need it.

    I wish you the best Shelby. Take it one day at a time. Try to focus on the good things in your life. This illness helps you to value the little things.

    Blessings, Eileen
  6. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    everything is so hard for you just now and this with your boyfriend has just topped it.

    My daughter Shelley became very ill at 15 after glandular fever with CFS/Fibro - she missed two years of school, spent in bed with fatigue and terrible pain. However after the two years she improved to such a level that she was able to get on with her life.

    She's 29 now, still has the illness, but has been able to have a life - married, she has two degrees and has just started work as a Social Worker. Her life has been hard because of the pain and fatigue but it is at a level where she can function.

    What I'm trying to say, in a bad way I'm afraid, is that it's possible to be so ill with this that you cannot do anything but it CAN get better, it does for many people and I truly hope it does for you and you fulfil all your dreams.

    I saw my first ballet last week and it was marvellous.

    I hope you work things out with your bofriend.

    love
    Rosie
  7. Shelbyeatenton

    Shelbyeatenton New Member

    thank you or your help so far.

    you are all so kind. I have tried talking to my boyfriend and he says it isnt the FMS but deep down i find it hard to believe. I feel so negative. However i will try talking to him again.

    Thank you. Sorry for writing with no spaces in the paragraphes, i will remember that in future,

    Hugs and bubbles,
    Shelby
    xxxxxx

  8. kbak

    kbak Member

    There are many people here that know exactly how you feel. So many here that can no longer do the things that they have loved to do. This DD is a robber! It strips us of eveything we love.

    You will learn to cope. Your obviously a fighter! That same fight will keep you going. You can mourn what you lost, but don't get stuck there. We all have to keep moving forward. Wanting to give up is natural with this beast. There are days I want to just throw my hands up, but other days I think about how much worse my life could be, and ajust my attitude.

    I'm learning to enjoy the small things I've always overlooked. I'm so sorry you've been hit so hard with this beast. Your a talented women with much to give. Don't give up!

    Hugs!
    K.
  9. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    Hi Shelby,

    First I want to say, I'm sorry for your loss. You know..it is a loss and it's o.k. to grieve over the loss of something you love as much as dancing.

    Now, I also want to say "DON'T GIVE UP HOPE". You have to have faith that you will dance again. Keep it in your heart and your mind.

    Think of this as a temporary set back. Yes, you are ill, and yes you feel terrible, but you can get better.

    This DD can make you feel emotionally terrible. So lonely at times.

    We all have it and we are all on the board to help, so you're not alone.

    Keep us posted on your progress. Have you gotten any help from the medical establishment?

    Kendra
  10. Shelbyeatenton

    Shelbyeatenton New Member

    Yes i am receiving help from a rheumatologist and am attending a pain clinic very soon. The rheumatologist diagnosed the Fibro. It was him that said i wouldnt be able to dance again. Its hard to be positive that i will again when the dloctor tells me that.

    As far as treatment, I am on pain medication and muscle relaxants but physio/hydro therapy/acupuncture/ etc is going to be set up by the pain clinic hopefully.

    Thank you,

    Shelby
    xxxxxx