PLEASE PLEASE HELP HOW DO I MAKE MY PARTNER UNDERSTAND

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by eyesofblue, Jan 24, 2006.

  1. eyesofblue

    eyesofblue New Member

    I dont know if anyone out there has allergies to dogs etc, even has a child I was allergic to dogs but since being diagnosed with fibro etc it has become worse, the smell of a dog sends me into a frenzy to start with, my asthma goes thro the roof etc.

    My partner who I have been with now for two years although I do not live with but spend most of my time with at his home is a dog lover, we split up last year for a short time because he had a dog that slept in the bedroom with us and made me desperately ill, his dog died in August last year and since then I have had no problems at his home apart from the odd air freshener he put around his home which I have to dispose of.

    Five months since he lost his dog he has informed me he his getting another dog, although he will compromise and keep it downstairs at night and will get a short haired dog for my sake.

    I am absolutely devastated and we have are now arguing all the time about this, he says he has compromised enough for me over this.

    I cannot make him understand how ill a dog in my environment will make me, just the smell alone would be enough.

    Im so unhappy at the moment I know this is going to split us up again and I dont know what to do. Im not prepared to put my health and well being at risk for the sake of having a dog.

    Can all you dog lovers out there understand my point of view or am I just being selfish. He says I am being selfish and use my illness to get my own way. I tend to think he doesnt believe in fibro at all but thats another issue for another day.

    Please help

    Sandra

  2. farmgetty

    farmgetty New Member

    Hi, Sandra

    Sandra,not knowing how old you are but you seem to be still young enough, that through the heartache of this relationship, you may have to count your losses and hope to find someone who doesn't have a pet and doesn't mind if they ever do for the love of you.
    Once people require pets, and someone enters their lives it can be tough, but this has been the test since his other dog passed away, the road was clear for him, to have you without compromise and now he's bringing in and warning you ahead of time, he still wants a pet and it's very obvious you are not going to be his focal point in life.
    I wouldn't argue another day over this, he may not even get another pet, but telling you he will keep it downstairs and a short haired one is trying to have both of what he wants, but to be honest, the pet is going to win, and if it weren't a pet, it could be something else. He's not ready to commit at least for you.
    Sandra, theres someone out there who would find not having a pet is not even an issue for the love of you. It's a hard pill to swallow, but the arguing is not even worth your fibro in a flare over this. Trust me, he's not a bad person, but he can't understand this, and really doesn't want to 100%. Take care..........Joanna
  3. CarolK

    CarolK New Member

    And I have to agree with you... However, I think he is making his feelings clear.. and I think you are very fortunate that you have found this out now if you two were considering marriage!!

    If the guy isn't going to honor you and prefer you over his dogs ... well I say that you are better off without him! What kind of guy is willing to let the person he loves suffer and stay in miserable pain when it is in his power to change it??

    I stay dump him Sweetie... you are probably better off without him. And I would absolutely not even consider a permanent relationship with this dude... HIS TRUE COLORS ARE REALLY SHOWING HERE!!

    I'm a dog-lover too... but I would not put my dogs over the welfare of someone I loved! If you are suffering and he is just turning a deaf ear to it all... well then I say good riddance!! Asta Lavista Baby!!

    Sorry to hear you are suffering so bad Sandra, this dude doesn't deserve you!! ... good luck to you Sandra!! Blessings... CarolK

    PS... Remember you cannot MAKE him see or understand anything he is not WILLING to see or understand!!
    [This Message was Edited on 01/24/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 01/24/2006]
  4. lolee

    lolee New Member

    coming from me . . . .as I have two cats, a dog and a parrot. But personally I think he using this dog issue as a control issue over you.

    It's not like he's had the pet for several years, or even months, cause we can get attached FAST, and now all of a sudden your telling him to get rid of his beloved friend.

    nope. he is bringing in something new that he has already been informed creates additional health problems for you.

    Sorry, but this guy is not listening to you, doesn't believe you or is a control freak.

    And I know this hard, honestly I do, but NONE of this is love. none.

    whether "he believes in fibro" or not. HE is NOT believing YOU!

    Personally I would tell him it's not even about the dog anymore. it's about trust. walk, buddy, get a dog to keep ya'warm cause your gonna need it.

    Man, I sure wish you weren't having to go through this. And this is just my opinion, honey.

    May God give you Peace!

    Love,

    Lolee
  5. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    He doesn't care if you suffer.

    Dump him, he's not good for you.

    sorry so abrupt, but if he says he's compromised enough for you, then he must not care how sick he's making you.

    K.
  6. eyesofblue

    eyesofblue New Member

    Hi all

    Thank you for your advice its been very helpful.

    Im 47 years of age, when we split up before over his dog I was absolutely devasted, I love this guy to bits.

    He's told me fibro is all in my head and I use it to gain sympathy and my own way. Dont think I can forgive that I know it was said in the middle of an argument but it was said

    He hasnt mentioned a dog again today but its just a matter of timm.

    I have a massive decision to make in my life again now I suppose and Im so afraid of being on my own.

    Thanks again folk

  7. cjcookie

    cjcookie New Member

    I'd wait and see how it goes with the short haired dog downstairs and if it still makes you sick, tell him he would have to come to your house. If he won't, it will have to be over between you.
  8. kaiasmom

    kaiasmom New Member

    I personally am not a dog, or any animal for that matter, lover. In fact, I would say that for the most part, I don't like furry pets - not in my house anyways.

    I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you have to go through this. I can't imagine what it must feel like to have a dog chosen over you. Or, even your boyfriend's wants, needs, desires over your physical health needs. Unfortunately, some men do not ever seem to grow out of the selfishness they exhibit in childhood.

    Just the fact that he does not think fibro is real would be a deal breaker for me. I need understanding & compassion from my partner. I obviously do not know all of the good things about him - all of the reasons you love him. But I do know that he does not have compassion for your illness. Can't he see what it does to you? If there were any doubts in my fiance about how real fibro is, they have been squashed by seeing me in agony & exhaustion day in & day out.

    I am sorry if I sound harsh. I am an advocate of self advocacy, if that makes any sense. I hate to see anyone suffer because someone in their lives does not treat them the way they deserve to be treated.

    Take care & good luck,

    Leanne
  9. lauralea443

    lauralea443 New Member

    I understand that you can not tolerate have an animal living with you. I also understand how he feels being a animal lover myself, but if i had to choose, i would choose my hubby in a heartbeat (I think) LOL.

    If he is going to get another dog have you asked your Dr. if there is something you can take? I know it's unfair but it sounds like he is set on it.

    I guess unfortunately you need to make a decision, can you tolerate the dog or take meds or move out.

    So sorry to hear this, he must not think it's as big of deal as it really is. I'm sure he means you no harm, he just dosen't understand.

    Good luck
    Laura
  10. kch64

    kch64 New Member


    You may love him to bits, but he's an insensitive boob.

    You love him more than he loves you. If he doesn't believe you have fibromyalgia, it doubles the problem.

    first he won't consider your feelings about the dog and then he tells you basically that you're a Liar.

    Sounds like its headed for trouble. Why do you love this guy to bits?

    K.
  11. springrose22

    springrose22 New Member

    It seems we have to make choices so often in life... However, in this case, you don't have a choice, do you? You get sick when there's a dog around. Sounds pretty clear to me. But your boyfriend, well, he sounds very insensitive to me. Someone mentioned that maybe you should take something if he is intent on getting a dog. THAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. You should not be taking medications regularly because of a dog that your boyfriend can choose not to have. I think it's good that he's showing his true colors before you get married or live together. But, you need to really see these colors. If he goes ahead and gets a dog, that would be a very big red flag indeed. Take care. Marie
  12. JLH

    JLH New Member

    A person who does NOT have allergies CAN NOT possible understand how they affect a person and how miserable they make you feel.

    I just think he is totally clueless on how back being exposed to a dog makes you feel.
  13. rachel432

    rachel432 New Member

    how about some sort of comprimise. i am a major animal person and i have always have had pets. but if you need to have a pet and your partner is allergic to furry ones it's time to get creative. how about an iguana or a hairless cat. he would still be able to have the joy of a pet and you wouldn't have the allergy problems. as far as the fibro issue goes, if he doesn't believe you and support you maybe it is time for him to go.
    rachel
  14. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    at the vternanrians office...i think they came out a medication to give to cat's as well as dogs for people that are allergic to the dander...mymother told me about it about a year ago...

    for my son is so allergic to animals even birds, and those rat things guinea pigs...he so pay for it if he spends the night at a friends home...comes back so so messed up even taking allergy pills...

    jodie
  15. 1horse

    1horse New Member

    Hey, sorry to Say this but I agree with everyone.. Dump him. He has put the dog in front of you health and welfare..there are dogs that dont shed etc, but that isnt even the point. You SHOULD BE #1.
  16. kgangel

    kgangel New Member

    Hi Sandra,

    Although I am so happy that I finally have a dog in my life, I could not have one before because my son is allergic to them, so why would I want one, I love my son and he means more to me then a dog.

    You partner is being very unfair, because if he wanted a dog and you also there are hypoallergenic dogs out there that he could choose and then have both. We have a Bichon Frise, she does not shed and she is hypoallergetic. My son has no problems around her.

    That is still not the point though, I agree with the person that said it is me or the dog. He has had long enough to know you he knows how you feel and why you cant' have a dog in your life, he needs to be more understanding.

    sorry you are having this problem, wish I could have been more help

    hugs,
    kgangel
  17. Alyndra

    Alyndra New Member

    It just wouldn't fly with me.

    I have severe allergies to the point where nearly everything is an anaphylactic risk for me.

    I also have chronic asthma.

    As for him telling you you're selfish and using your illness to get your own way? Pfft. I'd be kicking him to the curb and telling him to kiss it.

    Honestly. Duckweed for me is an anaphylactic risk. If I touch it, I probably don't even have enough time to make it to a hospital.

    Your boyfriend wanting to get another dog knowing it makes you ill, would be the same as my boyfriend shoving a bouquet of duckweed in my face.

    He may not believe in Fibro, and in my opinion - he doesn't need to believe in it to be worried about your health. Incase he missed a major life lesson - he should know that Asthma alone can be fatal.

    Maybe it's just because I've never been in your situation, but when I look at my boyfriend I see someone who will take care of me, and always do what's best for my health. If for a single second I thought he, or any of his decisions would be a hazard to my health? He'd be out the door.

    Honestly ask your boyfriend if he's prepared to sit at your bedside and hold your hand if you're in the hospital because a 4 legged animal he chose over your health pushed your asthma to the breaking point.

    Some people might think that it's only a dog - it's nothing to get that worked up over. In this situation though it's really not about the dog.

    The overall point is - this guy doesn't seem to have your best interest anywhere NEAR his heart.

    Unless he changes his mind, I hope the dog can keep him warm at night.

    All my best

    ~Amanda
  18. karatelady52

    karatelady52 New Member

    The issue isn't really about a dog. He doesn't even have one right now.

    The issue is, he wants his own way and he thinks you will stay with him no matter what he does. He is acting like he loves himself more than he loves you.

    Think about how terrible your life will be 5 years down the road with this guy if he is this self-centered right now.

    Good relationships take a lot of work on both sides -- in this relationship, it sounds like you are the one doing all the work.

    For me, those would be huge red flags to run the other way!

    Sure, it'll hurt for a bit but you will thank yourself and wonder what you ever saw in him as time goes on and you begin to build your own life.

    There's a real good book out called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. One of the chapters is called Detachment. In it she says:

    "When should we detach? When we can't stop thinking, talking about or worrying about someone or something; when our emotions are churning and boiling; when we feel like we have to do something about someone because we can't stand it another minute; when we're hanging on by a thread, and it feels like that single thread is frayed; and when we believe we can no longer live with the problem we've been trying to live with. It is time to detach!

    A good rule of thumb is: You need to detach most when it seems the least likely or possible thing to do."

    Now granted in some situations in the book she may be talking about emotional detachment say with a parent and a teen. Actually, that could be a first step for you.

    You need to ask yourself, what will happen to me if I stay attached --- worrying, obsessing --- has it helped me so far?

    I think you've been given a lot of good advice on this thread.

    Sandy