Please read. Really not doing to good, need to talk

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by mandyau, Sep 29, 2008.

  1. mandyau

    mandyau New Member

    Hi everyone im 26 and i have CFS was dignosed at 17 but have had it since i was 13. ive been feeling very isolated lately as im mainly housebound.

    Only 2 weeks ago my dog (13) died very suddenly and unexpectedly, and i had to have my cat (18) put to sleep only 4 months before that, they were both huge shocks and caused me to relapse.

    I only have a small family, live with my mum and younger brother. i have a boyfriend of 7yrs but we dont live together and i dont get to see him as much as i would like. So my pets were everything to me and they were always there when i was stuck in bed, they helped me through the tough times. I feel like i've lost my best friends, half my family and my life lines all at once.

    Now only 3 days ago my boyfriend was in a motorbike accident, hes ok only cut his leg but its shocked and scared my so much, so much has been happening all at once it seems like i dont even get a chance to recover before something else happens!

    I also feel so bad and guilty because i havent even seen him since the accident i cant drive much anymore im too brainfogged and its too dangerous, he usually comes to me. But i still feel like such a bad girlfriend for not rushing to his side,i feel like i should be taking care of him!
    He said he doesnt expect me to come down and he didnt even tell me about the accident till later in the day because he didnt want to worry me because he knows i cant handle anything at the moment with everything else ive been going through, but that doesnt stop the guilt i cant stop beating myself up about it.

    Anyway sorry about the long post i just had to speak to someone who might understand abit about what im going through.
    [This Message was Edited on 09/30/2008]
  2. efly

    efly New Member

    Hi Mandyau,
    Im sooo sorry to hear of your pets dying.... They are such a comfort to us with this DD..My Dog is 12 now... Im braising myself.......
    The only thing I can suggest .. Have you looked at the Ashok Amygdala retraining programme... ITS worth a try.!!! Good luck Efly
  3. Rafiki

    Rafiki New Member

    I'm so sorry that you lost two of your best friends. I believe, without a doubt, that they are our best friends. The grief over the loss of a much loved cat or dog is just like the grief over the loss of anyone you love very much. It takes time.

    I have had dogs for a long time and have experienced that loss and grief. It is terrible. Let yourself grieve and please don't beat yourself up about needing to do so.

    I can see how your boyfriends accident would really shake you badly now. It must seem like life is an endless stream of shocking crisis and loss. Sometimes it does seem that way but it isn't really. Right now, aside from your very real grief, the thing that's giving you the most pain is the way you are treating yourself.

    We are with ourselves all the time. If we treat ourselves badly, we are being treated badly all the time! You wouldn't follow your best friend around saying: you're a bad person, you're a bad girlfriend, you should feel so guilty. You would be forgiving, reassuring and comforting. You would understand that if you kept telling her what a bad person she was, she would feel worse and worse and worse.

    When I was young, like you, I found this really hard to put into practice. I felt even more guilty when I tried to be good to my "bad" self. I had to come at it in a roundabout fashion and understand that showing myself compassion was good for others. Being kind to myself, or at least not beating myself up all the time, helped me feel better and when I felt better others felt better, too. Who knew!!!

    Please try to be a good friend to yourself. It will help you to get through everything and, of course, it will be good for your boyfriend, too. When we are good to ourselves the people who love us feel better because they can worry a little less.

    I'm not very eloquent today and I'm kinda stumbling through this ~ sorry! Have you ever heard of Jon Kabat-Zinn? He writes about the practice of Mindfulness. He also teaches it to doctors and psychologists who now use Mindfulness based therapies in many clinical settings. He as written many books that people find really helpful. Why not Google him and check it out.

    I love Mindfulness! Learning about mindfulness finally stopped me from beating myself up because it could explain (waaay better than I can!) ways to stop doing it and the reasons why it would never, ever help anything but would always make everything harder. We all do it from time to time, the trick is to know how to stop ourselves as quickly as we can.

    Again, I am so very sorry for your loss. Time will help, time will heal, although it probably doesn't seem possible now. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness as much as anyone else and you are hurt, sad, grieving.

    Be good to you.
  4. goofgirl

    goofgirl New Member

    Hi Mandy,

    I'm so sorry about everything you've been going through!! The loss of a pet under any circumstances is very stressful and sad for those who loved him/her. I know, I had a 21 year old cat who had cancer and finally needed to be put to sleep. She had been in our family since she was a kitten, and had belonged to my grandparents who I'd just lost months before... I really understand what wonderful companions they are to us, especially if we can't get out much anymore. I hope you will consider getting another pet or pets soon. You aren't replacing the ones you lost, but getting new friends, and I'm sure your dog and cat would want you to be happy.

    As for your boyfriend, sounds like he is a good guy who cares a lot about you. Maybe you can arrange a ride to take you to see him? Sounds like he is really understanding of your situation. I'm sure it helps to call him and just let him know you are there to support him emotionally. You are NOT being a bad girlfriend, you are doing the best you can within your limitations.

    As I think another said, you really need to be your own best friend and try not to be so hard on yourself. Your DD puts enough stress and pressure on you, you need to be kind and caring to yourself as you don't need more self inflicted stress that will cause you to get worse. We're all here for you, and while that's not a substitution for friends in the real world, we at least understand what you're dealing with. Don't beat yourself up anymore, just do the best you can with what you have- that's all any of us can do. Please hang in there!



    JEANSKI New Member

    I am sorry that you have to deal with all this grief. Sometimes these things hit us all at once. Take care of yourself, be extra kind. You will make it through this. We are here. You are not alone. (((hugs)))
  6. loto

    loto Member

    Hi Mandy. My name's Lori and I'm 39 and was just diagnosed a few months ago with fibromyalgia. Like you knowing you had CFS before you were diagnosed, I knew i had FM a few months before i was "officially" told. Sorry to hear about your pets. I know how much they make a person feel better. I live with my husband and 2 teenagers, but sometimes only your pets can make you feel better. Is there any way you can get new pets? I know they couldn't replace the ones you had for so long, but I'm sure you can form a bond with them in no time. Pets are excellent for us!
    Since being diagnosed, it seems every month or few weeks I have new symptoms. Lately it hasn't been the pain getting me down, but stomach problems or brain fog. I, fortunately am able to work. I know without Cymbalta I wouldn't be able to get out of bed, because I've tried to stop taking it before. I don't know much about CFS, is it alot like FM? I just wonder if there are any medications that will help you be able to do things you want to do? It also sounds like your boyfriend is very understanding, knowing you can't get out much.
    So, I'm so glad I found this site, and these message boards to speak with other people coping with this kind of stuff. Hopefully, we can chat more, and give each other the support we can't find other places.
    Take care, and never give up hope
  7. rfarwell5

    rfarwell5 New Member

    I'm so sorry to hear all of this, Mandy. I lost my dog a few years back, and it took me ages to get over it. He was my best friend!

    I haven't gotten a pet since I moved away from home. I know between working and my health a dog wouldn't get the attention it deserves. But I long for the day I can have one again!

    Feel better,

    P.S. - I love Australia. I was lucky enough to spend a semester at the Sunny Coast a few years back before my health declined. When I go back, I really want to visit Adelaide. I'm a huge Hilltop Hoods fan!
  8. mandyau

    mandyau New Member

    I just wanted to say thankyou so much to everyone for your lovely posts, it made me feel so much better reading them and not so alone knowing that others have been through similar experiences (though i wish none of us had to).

    I dont want to get any more pets as much as i love animals i dont think i could handle getting any new ones, i can barely handle seeing any pets on tv and i hate the sound of my neighbours dogs barking (I cant stop thinking of them and when i see other animals it reminds me that mine are gone makes me miss them so much). My 2 were so special to me and were so intelligent, loving and somehow always seemed to know when i was feeling my worse and they would try extra hard to make me feel better, they seemed so human at times. I dont think i could love any others as much as i loved (and still do)both of them and i dont feel that would be fair to the new pet if i couldnt give it all my love.

    The only exception is my boyfriends cat who i loved before i lost my pets, but its different to what i had with mine as i dont see my boyfriends cat very often. He offered to bring her over for me when i lost my dog which i thought was really sweet of him to offer, but i said no because i think it would of made my mum feel uncomfortable to have someone elses pet in the house.

    To everyone who said to stop beating myself up, being hard on myself and feeling guilty, thankyou again. Its something i find myself doing often but alot more often recently because of everything thats been happening.
    Rafiki and Jessica your both so right i need to stop doing this and be nicer to myself or im going to relapse even worse! Im going to try out your suggestions and have a look at that those books when i feel up to reading them,the Mindfulness sounds interesting.

    As far as treatments for my CFS i've put that on hold for the moment while im dealing with the grief. I have a huge list of supplements that i was about to try (which are really expensive)but i felt like i couldnt handle any possible rections to new meds at the moment and that since im feeling so down no matter how good the stuff is it might not work as well as it might at the moment because of all the added stress im under, so i thought i'd wait til things settle down abit before starting. I also have a sleep study booked for the end of the month so i didnt want any meds interfering with that.

    Thanks again so much to everyone, i hope this post has made sense im abit brainfogged at the moment.
    Thankyou Mandy xx
    [This Message was Edited on 10/01/2008]
  9. ChyC

    ChyC New Member

    I have also had my 2 cats die a year ago November, it was the hardest time. Then in May I loss my grandmother with whom I was so close to. Any day now, I will hear that my cousin whom I was also close to will have passed away from brain cancer. She has only a day or two left. This too has put me in a tailspin and there are times I just want to scream so loud but it won't do any good.

    I'm so glad he wasn't hurt bad as I'm sure you are. Try not to get too stressed out and look to today and tomorrow for better things, even if things are gloomy today and as they have been in the past.

    Keep your chin up and know that many are thinking of you right now.

    Hugs Chy
  10. bretzie

    bretzie Member

    I know exactly how deeply depressing and totally devastating losing a pet can be. In 1992, when I was very ill with severe depression, our young rescued doberman had to be put to sleep as she had inoperable cancer. I was totally destroyed by this and the severe depression.

    A few months later, I happened to see a notice about an older cat needing a home. I responded and long story short, at first I freaked out and wanted to give the cat back as I was so upset over losing our dog. But a kind neighbor helped me for a few days and I swear the cat was so much like a dog (walked on a leash, sat on command, etc.) that I just knew he had come to me from our late dog Heidi.

    6 years after this, a poor stray cat was was meowing in our backyard. I couldn't ignore her and started to feed her twice daily. I couldn't catch her or even get a good look at her. I wondered if it were feral. I was going to rescue her and then find another home for her as I had one cat and he didn't like other cats. Long story shortish again, with the help of a feline rescue group, we trapped the kitty and she became the love of my life.

    Again, at first I didn't want to keep her as my cat Busta hated other cats. I tried to find another home for her. What a mistake that would have been. I was helped by a woman in the rescue group and Chloe turned out to be the most gentle, mischievous, beautiful, funny cat. Busta did NOT like her, but because he was older, he tolerated her - no energy to terrorize her.

    When Busta died of heart disease in 2001, I was so very very glad I had my Chloe. She is the best cat ever.

    I have gone kicking and screaming into these cat adoptions, but thank the gods, as these babies were such a joy. I know now there is no way I could be without a pet.

    I hope that somehow fate will give you a chance to have an animal in your life again. I KNOW it seems like it would be too much now. But somehow, it is just something that is incredibly healing.

    I wish you a healed spirit. See if your dog and cat send you any "signs" - sometimes they do (I'm not a kook). I wish you better health and good fortune too. Things happen despite what we do for good as well as for bad.

    Take care,

  11. sunstarsmoon

    sunstarsmoon New Member

    Dear Mandy,

    Stop beating yourself up, You need to look after you first - only then will you be able to look after others.

    You've had a lot of shocks lately, and you've suffered a loss which you need to grieve about (pets are the same as family) and i'm sure neither your boyfriend nor anyone else blames you for not going to see him - so you stop blaming you.

    Be gentle on yourself and treat yourself with love and healing, it will all be ok.

    Lots of love
  12. mandyau

    mandyau New Member

    Thanks for your messages everyone, i appreciate them lots. Im sorry to everyone who has suffered a loss in their lives, i never understood how painful it could be before. It would of been my dogs 13th birthday on monday so im braising myself for a bad day. Miss the both so much everyday.

    I saw my boyfriend yesterday it made me feel better to be able to see him for myself make sure their was no other injuries and just to be able to hold him. Poor guy is going to be limping around for awhile though he had to have stiches inside his leg as well as on the surface so it was a lot deeper than i thought, He tried to make the accident seem as little (not so bad) as possible so i wouldnt worry.

    Chy im sorry that you will be losing your cousin soon, its horrible waiting and knowing its going to happen but not being able to do anything, hugs back to you.

    And denise i dont think think your kook!

    Thanks everyone mandy xx