Poll-How has your illness affected your families and marriages?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by griswoldgirl, Dec 11, 2002.

  1. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    Up until three years ago I could live quite a normal life and my family was not too affected. In the past three years my fibro has worsened and I have had three surgeries and suffer from pain 24/7 with medication.

    I see my son who is 8 make everything dramatic. One day his back hurt and he asked me if he could have fibromyalgia.

    My daughter, who is 13, has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and is on antidepressants for chemical depression-so and I.

    My marriage---to put it bluntly--what marriage? My hubby has worked out of town so much for months at a time for 5 years now that for the first time in 15 years of marriage I have no idea what to get him for christmas and I figured it was because I do not know him very well anymore----how sad.

    i just wondered how many of you see your family's lifes changing before you and what you do to try and stop the negative changes. For the first time in my life through all of life's challenges, I do not seem to be able to figure out how to make the sprial of downhill motion stop. i guess in one way that could be good--I now know that I am definately not in control--God is.

    If you do not feel comfortable posting here, email me at cathysinger@hotmail.com

    i sure would like to know that I am not alone here. My situation seems so hopeless at times. For those who "know" me from here to add injury to insult--my husband just went through a horrible bout with his asthma and was on steroids--well they did not tapper him properly and his adrenal glands shut down and it is everything he can do to continue working. We are literally 2 paychecks from being homeless. It is scary. I have an attorney workig on my disability denial, but that can take months(private not SSI-do not qualify yet for that) his asthma was created and agrivated along with half of the radiology department in the hospital he is temping at because they were doing construction work without any ventilation-most the crew was out sick on several days due to it---so if he could not work hopefully workman's comp would cover, but after my ordeal I do not have much hope.

    IF ANYONE OF YOU EVER HAVE A WORK INJURY-MAKE SURE YOU ASK FOR COPIES OF YOUR DOCTORS REPORTS AND THAT EVERYTHING IS DOCUMENTED PROPERLY--THAT MISTAKE ON MY PART HAS CAUSED ME NOT TO BE ABLE TO GET COMPENSATION FOR MY KNEE THAT WAS DEFINATELY HURT ON THE JOB. I collect nothing, cannot get unemployment because I am not ready willing and able to work today, no SSI until you are out of work 6 months, no state disability, north carolina right to work state, no assistance from anywhere because my husband makes too much money-but not enought to cover our expenses----------if you are middle class america and stuff happens like what happened to me( I have now been out of work for over 3 monthswith no income) it can tear your family apart.

    looking forward to some positive replies and negative-Iam glad I am not alone replies----If you have suggestions, even if you think I will not like them try me---our family is in such bad shape, it is going to take a miracle to put us back together. We are meeting my husband in Nebraska where he is temping now as a CT technologist for 2 weeks for Christmas break and I have not seen him for close to 6 months----very scared and nervous.

    signed the neurotic griswold girl


    [This Message was Edited on 12/12/2002]
  2. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    Up until three years ago I could live quite a normal life and my family was not too affected. In the past three years my fibro has worsened and I have had three surgeries and suffer from pain 24/7 with medication.

    I see my son who is 8 make everything dramatic. One day his back hurt and he asked me if he could have fibromyalgia.

    My daughter, who is 13, has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and is on antidepressants for chemical depression-so and I.

    My marriage---to put it bluntly--what marriage? My hubby has worked out of town so much for months at a time for 5 years now that for the first time in 15 years of marriage I have no idea what to get him for christmas and I figured it was because I do not know him very well anymore----how sad.

    i just wondered how many of you see your family's lifes changing before you and what you do to try and stop the negative changes. For the first time in my life through all of life's challenges, I do not seem to be able to figure out how to make the sprial of downhill motion stop. i guess in one way that could be good--I now know that I am definately not in control--God is.

    If you do not feel comfortable posting here, email me at cathysinger@hotmail.com

    i sure would like to know that I am not alone here. My situation seems so hopeless at times. For those who "know" me from here to add injury to insult--my husband just went through a horrible bout with his asthma and was on steroids--well they did not tapper him properly and his adrenal glands shut down and it is everything he can do to continue working. We are literally 2 paychecks from being homeless. It is scary. I have an attorney workig on my disability denial, but that can take months(private not SSI-do not qualify yet for that) his asthma was created and agrivated along with half of the radiology department in the hospital he is temping at because they were doing construction work without any ventilation-most the crew was out sick on several days due to it---so if he could not work hopefully workman's comp would cover, but after my ordeal I do not have much hope.

    IF ANYONE OF YOU EVER HAVE A WORK INJURY-MAKE SURE YOU ASK FOR COPIES OF YOUR DOCTORS REPORTS AND THAT EVERYTHING IS DOCUMENTED PROPERLY--THAT MISTAKE ON MY PART HAS CAUSED ME NOT TO BE ABLE TO GET COMPENSATION FOR MY KNEE THAT WAS DEFINATELY HURT ON THE JOB. I collect nothing, cannot get unemployment because I am not ready willing and able to work today, no SSI until you are out of work 6 months, no state disability, north carolina right to work state, no assistance from anywhere because my husband makes too much money-but not enought to cover our expenses----------if you are middle class america and stuff happens like what happened to me( I have now been out of work for over 3 monthswith no income) it can tear your family apart.

    looking forward to some positive replies and negative-Iam glad I am not alone replies----If you have suggestions, even if you think I will not like them try me---our family is in such bad shape, it is going to take a miracle to put us back together. We are meeting my husband in Nebraska where he is temping now as a CT technologist for 2 weeks for Christmas break and I have not seen him for close to 6 months----very scared and nervous.

    signed the neurotic griswold girl


    [This Message was Edited on 12/12/2002]
  3. Hippo

    Hippo New Member

    At least your husband is hanging in there. Mine left and is trying to cut off our support, claiming that I can work. Our three girls are suffering horribly from the rejection by their dad, and he just struts around boasting about how great everything is. We just drag along from day to day, from the therapist to the psychiatrist to the pediatrician. I have just enough energy to run these small errands and then collapse into bed. My divorce trial will be some time next year. If the judge somehow sides with my husband, we may be looking at being homeless at some point. Hang in there, you are not alone.

    Hippo
  4. opala

    opala New Member

    I am so sorry for all you are going through....if you read one of my earlier posts you will see that my family, also , is about 2 paychecks away from becoming homeless....we've had our assets frozen due to a late child support payment, can't open a bank account anywhere...

    My husband, though, has been better than I could hope to expect through all this. He has lost his patience a few times and has expressed feelings of resentment a couple of times, but all in all has been very caring and understanding through it all.

    All I can tell you is hang in there, and hopefully things will work out for the best. You are not alone.

    The worst part of this DD, that I have seen so far, is the feelings of guilt and isolation associated with having it. Realizing that this IS NOT your fault, that you did not ask for this is the first step to overcoming that....I know that's easier said than done, and I have to convince myself of this all the time....but all the "what if's" in the world won't change anything.

    Please just hang in there. It will work out in the end.
  5. homeskillet19

    homeskillet19 New Member

    I am so sorry yall are going through such hard times, it just does not seem fair!!!!!!!!!!
    I went through hard times about a year and a half ago we actually was homeless just for a week but what a week that was!!!!!!!!
    We got behind in the rent because we had no insurance and the docotr bills were killing us, of course my hubby made just over the limit for us to get assisstance and to top everything off he was having to take care of me, I was so sick I was just like a 6 month old baby.....I couldnt walk, talk,feed myself or go to the bathroom he had to do all of that yes the kids helped out but I refused and my hubby also refused to have them change my diaper(great guy huh!) we couldnt afford a nurse so he was doing it all so since he is in sales and he works off of commission well lets just say the poor guy couldnt sell a car and the little he did went for groceries and the power and gas and such well.........since we didnt have a lease the idiot kicked us out for not paying in full, he even came over to the house and seen me in the bed and watched as we had to get our things out all I could do at the time is lay there and cry omg my kids were seeing this well we ended up in a motel and at our wits end and then we called my hubbies mom and dad and they sent us some money but it was not enough but we looked for a house anyways and this wonderful man let us move in here with no deposit and 1/2 the rent money and in that next month we had him paid up and we have been living here for about 19 months and we sign the papers to buy the place in a week!!!!!!
    My hubby is back to being the top sales man at least every other month and I am up walking , talking , feeding myself and the best thing no diapers!!!!!!!!
    We still dont have much in the savings but we have insurance (my hubby changed his job) and we still live basically from paycheck to paycheck but I see the light at the end of the tunnel and we are actually better for it!!!!!!!
    I am not looking for sympathy but I just wanted to let Yall know that it can and will get better and my family is soooooooooooooooooo much closer and we count our blessing at least twice now!!!!!
    I will put Yall in my thoughts and prayers!!!!!!!!!!
    Your friend,
    Denise
  6. teach6

    teach6 New Member

    I think you know my story, but for those who don't I'll tell it again.

    Although I was only dx'd with CFS/FM/NMH a year ago I have been living with symptoms for 20 years or more. They didn't come to a head until about two years ago. In the meantime I've been told over and over there was nothing wrong with me, and then that it was depression/anxiety. Even when I pushed and said there is something more wrong I got the standard answer that my tests all showed everything was OK, physically.

    In the meantime I was raising three kids with husband who traveled a lot in his work and who expected me to be at his back and call when he was home. He told me his job was more important than mine becasue he made much more money. He told me he couldn't take time off from work to help take the kids to appointments, so I had to use my precious sick leave to do it. He is self-employed, so of course he could have taken the time off. He worked at night many times, so it wasn't like he didn't have the flexibility.

    It got to the point that when he returned from his long trips I was always sick and needed to spend a lot of time resting up from all I had done when he was gone. He told me I was making up my symptoms to get back at him for traveling. That had never crossed my mind, I just had no energy and knew it.

    Our marriage deteriorated and we finally split about 7 years ago. It was a terrible experience for me. I spent the next six years in and out of therapy, constantly overwhelmed by trying to keep up with life. Finally my body wouldn't go any more and I had to stop working.

    I was lucky that I had a good disability plan at work. Even though my PCP didn't have a clue what to do with me and told me over and over again that everything was due to anxiety, he also told me at one visit if there was anything he could do to help to let hime know. I think teaching his daughter in second grade probably helped some, even though that was nine yearas ago. At least he was willing to fill out disability forms for me until I got a dx.

    My kids are grown and accepting my illnesses in varying degrees. My youngest has the hardest time with it. I think she would like to deny it so it will go away. Now my ex has actually come around and believes I am really ill. I would never go back to him, even if it were a possiblity. He damaged my self esteem so badly that I still work to overcome that.

    So, this has affected my family and marriage greatly. My kids had me around for them, but they also had a very stressed out mom who was always on edge. They deserved more than that, but I gave them all I could.

    Now I have pretty much adjusted to my limitations. I try hard to live within my limitations and not go outside my energy envelope. I enjoy the time I have with my kids, and am really happier than I've been in years.

    It's not always easy, but I'm making it.

    Barbara
  7. griswoldgirl

    griswoldgirl New Member

    In four months I went from being a full time Ultrasound technologist working with pregnant women and loving what I did to a depressed, unemployed, no income mess.

    I have always rose like the phoenix from the ashes in the past been homeless twice in my life.
    this too shall pass I am sure

    thanks again

    cathy
  8. susabar

    susabar New Member

    I have only been on ST disability for a month now, and I have only known about my fibro for the same amount of time. Although I was symptomic for years. Actually my husband has been home for the last 7 years, receiving disability for a severe back injury. He is actually excited to have my company during the day. His " illness" has had a tremendous effect on our marriage, now that I have limits too I feel like we are an "old couple" ( we are in our 40's)
    we are fortunate to have family support, financially and otherwise... I just pray our 9 year old daughter grows up normally after hanging around with the two of us!!!
    In some ways this has brought us closer... I think I was always too busy doing it all to slow down for him, if you know what I mean..
    Thanks
    Sue
  9. 1Writer

    1Writer New Member

    When I first got sick w/CFS about 4 years ago, I had to stop watching my grandbabies and I really loved doing that. I had already stopped working fulltime at my advertising career, because I just couldn't seem to stay healthy enough. My husband lost his job in a field he had been in for 25 years and had to start in a whole new career and we had just bought a new house 5 months prior. That's what sent me into a flare so bad I just went to my bed...couldn't think, didn't care, hurt so bad I thought it was the end of the world, slept all the time (probably because of all the drugs I was on), was told that I was depressed, then bipolar then just depressed again. Then my grown kids got together and called my husband and I in for a "family meeting"...we have those from time to time. Anyway, my oldest daughter had discussed it w/her husband (she was pregnant with no.2 kid at the time) and they decided they would move in with us and help us out, both financially, so we wouldn't lose our new house, and physically, because she didn't work and could cook and clean for me...so that's what they did. And they lived w/us for one year...then my other daughter and her husband and daughter came in and took over...all this so my husband could build a new career and I could get better...I guess I must have done something right when raising my children for them to just step up to the plate like that and put their own lives on hold for us...My youngest daughter and her husband and daughter still live with us, but hopefully this year, my husband's business will be up enough for them to move back out and for us to be on our own. I don't know what we would have done if my kids had not helped us out...we would have ended up losing our house, car and maybe more, I don't know. I am truly blessed and feel that if we made it thru all of this, that there truly is a God and there is hope for all of us...PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP! When things are bad, just try to hang in there and have faith...I really believe it will turn out okay in the end...somehow it alway does...and if things get really bad and you need someone to talk to, talk to me, or someone on this board...I have learned to listen really well...people listened to me and I will never forget that as long as I live. Griswoldgirl...give that husband of yours a big fat kiss and hug and don't be nervous...everything will be fine...I will pray for you and I know that others here that see this post will too.
    Good luck and God Bless,
    1Writer