POLL****How many marriages lost due to these DDs?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by sheried, Aug 16, 2005.

  1. sheried

    sheried New Member

    Just curious. Mine was.

    I know we lose alot of social contact and "good" friends because of being ill. I really wonder how many more marriages were affected.

  2. sheried

    sheried New Member

    I know this is not a pleasant subject. I really would like to know the numbers on this board.

  3. mbofov

    mbofov Active Member

    We're in the last months of our divorce, after 24 years of marriage. I started getting sick in 1985.

    We had problems pre-existing and separate from my illness, but we might have stuck it out if I hadn't gotten sick. I really don't know.

  4. raggedyann

    raggedyann New Member

    Mine was, after 39 years of marriage. He walked out, never looked back. He is now married to what used to be my best friend.
  5. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    well i can't say it ws the only thing contributing to this diovce i had.

    he was cheating, but beofre that i was off work on worker's comp, and he just got out off the coast guard.

    he didn'thave job when he got out, he applied for dea, fbe, and us customs,.

    while waiting there were 6 months wer weren't togeth. i iwas living w/his mom and dad, with our 7 year old. son. in michigan, dad was doing pro wrestiling and working in a bikini strip bar. well need i say more.

    then i came back to caifornia because i got tired of the waiting told him to ook for a place to rent, well finalli siad do i need to come out and find it myself.

    then that is where my life got really intersting.

    we went to a marriage counselor, he mad a comment that i'm not working, and i pop pills all the time. dr prescribed, but i really would be told to quit taking them because of the reactions.

    anyways we did get back together. then a repeat of the before, and his drinking. we seprated and then got the divorce.

    then last summer he said he never wanted a divocer and the that is why he would sign the papers. anyway now he understands the pain i go throuhg.

    i t may be too little too late.
  6. abbylee

    abbylee New Member

    But it's OK because I ran into my childhood sweetheart after my husband and I divorced, and we were married a year later. He treats me like a queen. Happy ending to a sad story.

    [This Message was Edited on 08/16/2005]
  7. libra55

    libra55 New Member

    but it is a sad state of affairs. After 20 years we have no closeness.

    Raising an autistic child (of which hubby is still in denial, "she'll grow out of it") was tough enough, but FM put the lights out of this marriage.

    Incidentally my husband is a police officer, there divorce rate is 80 percent. Some are even married five or six times.

    It is not a life I would recommend to anyone.

    Sorry to be so depressing. I still have much hope to get well and regain my life.

  8. HppeandMe

    HppeandMe New Member

    My marriage is suffering so bad! I am so scared everyday that today will be the day my husband leaves. I hate feeling like I need him so bad. You know the deal you need and want them so bad and they pull back. Since I have been really sick and not able to do much of anything my husband has started going out all of the time with his friends and not coming home until late. Leaving me with the children of course. I cry everyday because we had such a great marriage and now it is falling apart because of this. I am 31 and he is 34. We have been married for 10 years and together for 13. We have had many wonderful years together with the exception of the last 2. I am so scared he is going to cheat on me or leave me that I can hardly stand it. I love him so much and I just don't know what to do.

    He says awful things to me now as well that I never thought in a million years could come out of his mouth. He says "just because you can't go out doesn't mean that I can't have a life" or "just because you can't sleep doesn't mean I won't sleep good", "I would have more will power than to get sick like you" (maybe he doesn't understand the word although I tried to explain it to him) and still said he understood it completely, and finally he has said "I am so tired of you crying all of the time, it is getting old".

    He has finally agreed to go to marriage counseling because he realizes how bad things have become. We will see what happpens. If he leaves I know that it would be devastating. I don't know who would take care of the children. My children would become quite depressed because they are both so in love with him. He doesn't know how to take care of finances or anything near of the sort so I don't know how he could take the children. Dear God, I pray this doesn't happen for me. I pray for help!

    Thanks for the thread.

    Much Love,
    [This Message was Edited on 08/16/2005]
  9. pepper

    pepper New Member

    the CFS doctor that I went to told me to start getting things in order to prepare for divorce since 80% or more of marriages affected by CFS end within a few years. If the man is affected, the percentage is much lower, if the woman is affected the percentage is higher.

    That was a terrible thing for him to say even if it is true. It sure didn't make me feel very confident about my future.

    We have had a rocky time of it but our marriage has weathered it all. Many people I know with CFS have not been as lucky. The woman who has become my best friend and suffers from severe CFS and FM lost her 4 yr marriage after being sick for 2 yrs.

  10. Gabor

    Gabor New Member

    I was married the first time for 20 years...the second time for 10 years... It is hard for some to accept fibro/cfs when the medical community does not..It is hard for normals to live like us and with us..It takes a special person to understand and cope and they must be educated to our condition and accept it and us...
    I now have a wonderful lady in my life and she reads all about my condition and is my strongest supporter..we are to be married in may 2006...She can and wants to deal with my problems, help me, and she makes my life worth living...sometimes she is the only reason i keep going...if your other half supports and understands your condition and works with you,not against you things will work out...For better or for worse is really tested when one of you is ill...I say,never give up and talk everything out,it might work out for all of you near separation...Divorce was traumatic for me and put me in worse condition...... All the best!
  11. pepper

    pepper New Member

    for the lovely compliment. I am not feeling quite so elegant sitting here in my jammies at 11 a.m.!

    I think you are right about men not being able to weather his wife's illness as well as women can weather her husband's. One reason is probably that most of us women are nurturers - that's what we do. And men are by nature (usually) "fixers".

    When we were first learning to deal with these DD's my DH was unbelievably frustrated that he just couldn't fix me and get it over with.

    What an adjustment it must be for them to realize over the years that we just are not "fixable". That must contribute to a lot of the failed marriages with chronic illness.

    My DH has had to adjust to, not only the fact that I am not fixable, but to doing his own laundry and so much of the stuff around here that he took for granted I would do. I was a bundle of energy before these DD's so I did just about everything. I am sure that many men would find that impossible.

    As an aside: When my husband told one of his brothers my diagnosis, his brother told him to get out of the marriage right away! He was a manager and had seen what had happened to several of his employees who had come down with CFS and he said that he couldn't live with it. Luckily my DH ignored that advice and didn't tell me until after this brother's death.


  12. pepper

    pepper New Member

    I guess your experience is the exception that proves the rule. I am sorry that you were not married to nurturers and two divorces must have really been hard on your health.

    Congratulations on finding someone who will support you through your hard times. I hope the love and support causes an upswing in your health.

  13. tamsyn

    tamsyn Member

    That was an interesting comment about (in very general terms) men liking to 'fix things' (this is usually a very good attribute!) I _thought_ that my partner understood FMS because at first he wanted to come to different docs with me, and helped me to pay for treatments. Now I think that in fact he never really understood what I was going through...he just wanted whatever it was to be 'fixed' so it would stop interfering with his comfortable life.

    Now that it is clear FMS cannot be 'fixed', our relationship is in very bad shape and we are currently taking some space from each other. He recently told me that the reason I wouldn't do all the socializing and traveling that he wants to do was that I was being 'bloody minded'. This despite the fact that he's seen how sick I can get, and that I worked at my job right thro my illness and was financially indpendent from him throughout! So this is what leads me to feel that he has no understanding of the limitations that this illness places upon one.

    He also said that my health 'drags at' him -- despite the fact that I am self-supporting, and do more than 50% of household chores, cooking, organizing etc. Even in my worst flares, I make it a personal rule to carry my weight around the place. This is not enough, it seems -- I must also travel extensively, and entertain weekly, or I'm simply being 'bloody minded.' So I am pretty discouraged about our future prospects together. Good topic thread. Thanks for the space to vent.
  14. Gabor

    Gabor New Member

    Pepper,Thanks for your kind words and for caring.... Tom...
  15. sheried

    sheried New Member

    I am so happy for those who have a spouse who is willing to go through this horrible mess with them. But, both have to be willing to work together.

    Mine was passed out drunk all the time. Then he blamed me for being sick. Wanted docs to change my meds. Wanted me to just get over it. And, truthfully, since he left I am feeling a little more energy. A lot less anxiety. And I have completely quit taking pain meds. I still hurt but find I am able to cope better without the anxiety and not having to worry about my son.

    The whole reason for my being, my 12 y/o, has become a different kid since hubby left. He is outgoing, loves school, is doing better in school, and displays no signs of anxiety or anger like he did before.

    Keep the stories coming. I think this is pretty cathartic.

  16. pepper

    pepper New Member

    I mentioned in my earlier post that things have been really rocky for my DH and me. I mean rocky enough that we were headed for divorce last spring. I was ready to go and told my CFS doctor. I thought that he would advise against it but he didn't.

    Instead he told me that I would probably improve 10-20% once the stress of the strained marriage and the decisions about where to live, etc. were over.

    He told me of one CFS/FM patient that he has who was on heavy-duty narcotics and was in a wheelchair. When she got out of her bad marriage, her health improved immediately. She is no longer in a wheelchair and does not need narcotics.

    Of course this is not the case for everyone but it shows the connection that can exist between our emotions and how we feel physically. So I am not surprised that you are feeling so much better. And it is such good news that your son is doing so much better too! :)

  17. jake123

    jake123 New Member

    If anyone's spouse left them because they are ill, they should let the screen door hit them in the rear. Marriage vows generally say "in sickness and in health". Illness can strike one as well as the other. CFS can be one-upped by cancer or a stroke.
    We are sick and we may eventually get well, people that leave are mean and that's just what they are.
  18. Gly

    Gly New Member

    I've been married 31 years. My pain problems came on gradually and started before our 25th anniversary.

    My husband now brings me breakfast in bed every morning and says he has no expectations of me. He is just glad when I can do something.

    I just feel so incredibly blessed after reading so many tragic stories. Our marriage is stronger than it ever was since I got sick. My husband, like many men, is a 'fixer'. When he realized he couldn't fix *me*, he fixed pretty much everything around me so that my life is as comfortable as possible. Now that's true LOVE.
  19. JLH

    JLH New Member

    I have been married for nearly 35 years.

    I feel very fortunate to have married a man who is so devoted to his family, who is NOT an alcoholic, drug addict, gambler, womanizer, violent, wife-beater, etc.

    He is all of the opposite, a wonderful family man, hard worker, etc.

    But he's the "normal" man, like has been said, he's not a nurturer! I have been so darn independent for the last 35 years, where I've worked for 30 of them and did the "supermom" role even though it killed me, that he's not used to seeing me as needy.

    He's trying to be more considerate, and a little more helpful, but he is 60 and his health is starting to suffer, too, and when he comes home from work, he looks like the life has been sucked out of him, too, so I feel badly in asking him to do things for me.

    But overall, our marriage is great, we have raised three absolutely wonderful children that never gave us one minute of trouble, and I can say that everything is fine--except for our health.

  20. Leenerbups

    Leenerbups New Member

    But he was a selfish person. My health problems, lack of libido, depression did not mix with a selfish partner.

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