Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by victoria, Mar 9, 2007.

  1. victoria

    victoria New Member

    Pontifications with a twist -

    you may need to read each one twice LOLOL (I did!)

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    Police were called to a daycare where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

    Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

    The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

    The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

    To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

    When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

    The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

    A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

    Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

    We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.

    The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

    The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

    If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

    A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

    What's the definition of a will?
    --It's a dead giveaway

    A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

    Time flies like an arrow;
    fruit flies like a banana.

    A backward poet writes inverse.

    In a democracy it's your vote that counts;
    in feudalism, it's your Count that votes

    A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

    If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

    With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat miner.

    When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

    A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.

    You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    A calendar's days are numbered.

    A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    A plateau is a high form of flattery

    Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

    When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

    When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    Acupuncture: a jab well done.


    Just some more examples of why it's hard to learn English?!?

    [This Message was Edited on 03/09/2007]
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Great collection. The author(s) is very witty! Reminds me of the time I went to the brewery to get something for what ailed me.

    Yes, it sounds like you are busy as a spam generator these day. What is it your son has? Don't think I recognize LLMD.

  3. victoria

    victoria New Member

    That would be a GOOD thing to be if I lived in the South Pacific, yes?

    My son has chronic lyme; he's had it at least 5 yrs, was positive 2X on all 5 'bands' CDC uses for 'tracking purposes', whatever that is, including the band that can show if you've had it 2+ years. He's only 19, under treatment for almost 2 years now, slowly getting better.

    LLMD stands for Lyme Literate MD. There is a huge war going on over treating Chronic Lyme. LLMDs say pts need long-term abx, while the IDSA's (Inf. Disease Soc. of Am.) newly issued 'guidelines' say no more than 28-60 days and then it's mysteriously an 'autoimmune disease' (ridiculous!).

    It's already causing ins companies to deny treatment... & doctors are being persecuted... and the Conn. Atty Gen'l is looking into filing an antitrust suit against the IDSA.

    all the best,

    [This Message was Edited on 03/09/2007]
  4. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    I have been enjoying these postings....Thanks

  5. artyreader

    artyreader Member

    Reading these posts made me really smile,and even laugh out loud--I realize it's the first time all day I've felt some releif from what seems to be unremitting tension,depression, isolation,etc. I'm going to share some of these with friends--keep the funny stuff coming!