Powerless

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by cjr2003, Dec 10, 2005.

  1. cjr2003

    cjr2003 New Member

    Hi everyone. I really need to vent and just express my feelings so HERE I GO!!!! ( thankyou in advance for listening)

    Do you ever feel this overwhelming feeling of powerlessness

    because of this disease we have?

    I am feeling extremely powerless because of circumstances

    in my life right now. This is my 22nd week since I took my

    leave of abscence from work and started going off my meds

    for my fibro so that we could try for a baby. This has

    been the most challenging thing I have ever had to do. I

    have gotten past the withdrawal syndrome that lasted 3 very

    long months, and we are now trying for a baby. Each month

    the pain gets worse, I believe because I have gone off of

    the Neurontin I was on, and the colder weather has set in ,

    and because I have Arthritis too, this effects my pain

    badly. So, I NEVER know how I am going to feel from one

    day to the next. Most of the time, I have to take it hour

    by hour. The pain can be so overwhelming for part of the

    day, and then I will get some relief, and right now, I

    really cannot plan ANYTHING,and cannot commit to anything

    as far as responsibility goes because I am in such a

    fragile state. I haven't made it to church but maybe twice

    in the past month, and we have services 3 times a week. My

    mother in law and my husband help deliver Avon for me,

    because I have had such a rough time over the past 5

    months, that I have needed their help. I am really feeling

    this overwhelming sense of GUILT right now is what I am

    feeling, and I just cannot shake it for some reason. We

    went to my in-laws for supper tonight, and I think the way

    some of them treated me has set this off, even though I

    don't think they intentionally mean to make me feel this

    way. They only see me on my good days when I am able to

    come to visit. And today was a really good day for me

    since the weather was warmer, and I was able to get out of

    the house and do some. The unpredictability of my illness

    has made it to where I haven't been to church much this

    month, and I feel the abscence affecting me, and it hurts

    to not be able to go because I am all bunched up on the

    couch in so much pain that I cry. Just little comments

    that my family made to me made me feel like they don't have

    a clear understanding of just what I have been going

    through. And they probably don't !! And there is nothing I

    can do seemingly to ever change this it seems. They have

    stopped asking me how I feel. I think they are tired of my

    illness going on and on. They have never seen me this

    fragile and sick, and I know they just don't know what to

    say or how to deal with it probably but this doesn't make

    it any easier for me either. I had a really good day

    today, until I felt this distance between our families that

    I cannot explain. I know this must be hard for them as

    well - having a daughter in law who cannot even work at the

    moment. Some people just don't deal well with illness.

    They always say, " Well, maybe you'll get all better!". I

    wish they would open their eyes and see what is going on.

    I have a disease that may never get better. And while I am

    off of my medicine it is probably going to be a battle and

    a fight everyday, and this is something that I have

    accepted because I want a child so badly. I just want to

    not feel guilty for having what I have and for having to go

    through what I go through. When I worked for Wal-Mart I

    always felt guilty because I had to call in once or twice a

    month because of illness; or I felt guilty because I

    couldn't always work as fast as the other healthy

    individuals etc. Since being away from work for 5 months I

    have healed so much from that mentality; but being at

    dinner tonight w/ my inlaws brought back feelings that I

    don't want to feel. I know I have to deal with this, that

    this is just how it is, but right now, it is just

    irritating the fire out of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thankyou

    for listening. . . I just needed to vent. I love you all

    dearly. Maybe I will feel better now. Much love and

    gentle hugs, Carla
  2. ~Sibyle~

    ~Sibyle~ New Member

    I got pregnant with my baby unexpectedly and had to stop all medications right away. This happened last September.

    The pain was terrible for a while. I wanted to let you know though that as my pregnancy progressed, almost all of my symptoms went away. I had a little over a year symptom free.

    I just started a flare in late October of this year.
    I know that pregnancy won't help the arthritis but you may get some relief from the other pains you are having when you do get pregnant.

    BTW, it is OK to take narcotic pain meds when pregnant. So if you have a doc that is willing to give them to you, you can use them sparingly on days when your really bad.

    Hope you get your BFP soon!!!

    HTH

    Brooke
  3. sunshine8957

    sunshine8957 New Member

    I am so glad you had a good day today and that you were able to do some things, including going over to your in-laws for dinner. They are probably just as clueless as so many people are, about these DD's.

    I am so glad you are so involved with your faith group. It is also very important to me. It's what helps to hold us up during times like these.

    I was dx'd in 5/99 and finally had to stop working altogether in 11/02 and apply for SSDI. After an initial turn down, I appealed their decision and finally won my case after 15 months. (I live in LA - so timing is different in many different parts of the Country).

    I'm 48 and I just don't know if I could have handled this DD while I was raising my two sons - man were they active!!! :>) But that's me! I saw your picture in your Profile...you are a beautiful young woman!! Your smile just radiates the love in your heart and soul!

    I will send my prayers your way, in hopes that you and your hubby "get pregnant" sooner rather than later. A child is such a gift from God.

    We all need each other on this board - I mean where else can you vent or bounce ideas off of others regarding this DD? We all are in the same boat (from the young, all the way up to the seniors)!

    God Bless you and lots of gentle hugs,
    Eve

    [This Message was Edited on 12/10/2005]
    [This Message was Edited on 12/10/2005]
  4. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    is so bad... I know. Just remember that these people DO NOT feel your pain and don't understand. Try to get your mind on something positive. I know as I deal with the same thing.

    Try to not feel guilty...because you are really putting alot of stress on yourself. Tell yourself...I am being very UNSELFISH....as I want a child. You are off the pain meds which is hard for you to do with such pain!

    I pray for you to be encouraged. I also miss alot of church...some seem to understand...some don't. We have to do what is best for our bodies at the time.

    Hope that you feel better. We care and understand!


    God bless you....MamaR
  5. cjr2003

    cjr2003 New Member

    . . . from everyone! Nancy, my husband reminds me at times that I "beat myself up" and am entirely too hard on myself at times - and when I step back and look - you are both right.:>) I seem to go into that mode s-times, and am not even sure why. S-times I think it because I live in a community where I constantly see very active women ( in our church,friends etc. , even my own MIL) who have their lives so seemingly together; have the career and the family AND are such strong outgoing responsible leaders. In my mind, I see these women and it reminds me how lacking I feel I am at times; how limited I am; how little I can contribute as a leader in certain ways. What I forget though, is that by having the strong moral values and Christian beliefs that I have , AND living my life by them, I am a strong leader as well. S-times I just get so fixed on my limitations that I cannot see the ways that I am blessed!!!! Thankyou for sharing with me and for your support! These things help me so much!! LOL
    Eve, I believe that one day I WILL HAVE to file for SSDI, but, hopefully, after I have a baby, if we are blessed with that, and I go back on my meds, I will be able to return to work at least part time. I know I will not be able to return full time. I do not want to be away from my baby for that amount of time and miss out on him/her growing up!And the illness is too far progressed for me to go back to that - it is just too hard. Thankyou for your prayers!! That means so much! I very much believe that a child is a gift from God as well. And with a little luck, and a whole lot of prayers, I do pray that we will be blessed, and soon!! LOL
    Mama R, I went and took a nice long hot shower, and am now focusing on the positive!! Thankyou for the encouragement - I think the longer I am gone from my church services, the more the little stuff starts to get to me, ya know? I believe Satan has a way of telling us things that are just so believeable when we are down, and I have to fight extra hard to get him out of my head when I do get down. I am going to bed early tonight so I can hopefully feel well enough in the a.m. to go to church . The mornings can be the worst times for me s-times. Thankyou for your support! LOL
    Carla
  6. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    sweetie....hope that you rest and make it to church tomorrow! CHIN UP!! I will try to do the same.

    I thank you for responding to my post on new pic. I feel SO...SO old most of the time...but my hubby is so helpful. He always tries to lift me up. This disease for sure takes it toll on us!

    Your pic is so beautiful! You look so peaceful in it!

    Hope you awake to a much better day tomorrow!

    With love....MamaR