Public Bathroom Escapades ... OH THE HORRORS

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by victoria, Aug 16, 2007.

  1. victoria

    victoria New Member

    Been around but still funny...

    ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH ??? I think we've all had one version or another of this escapade... And for the guys, it finally explains what really does take us so long. It also should answer their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs....

    When you have to visit a public bathroom in a crowded place, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you wait until a stall is opened... as soon as one door even slightly begins to open, you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

    You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

    You would hang your purse on the door hook, but if there was one, it would just make the door swing open... but there isn't one anyway, of course. - So you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and notice as you do so that while the dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. Sigh.

    So you assume " The Stance." In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

    To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the also empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Sigh.

    Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's maybe still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, of which you now have to hold up the weight, as you try not to strangle yourself at the same time). That little bitty tissue (if it's still there?) will have to do. You scrounge blindly with one hand as you continue your blancing act, and happily connect with it... and crumple what's left of it in the puffiest way possible even tho it's now smaller than your thumbnail.

    As you do this, you lose your 'hold' on the latchless door... and of course someone pushes it open because she assumes no one's in there after all...

    The door bangs into your hand that you're quickly reaching out with to re-close the door, which in turn bangs into your purse (remember? it's still hanging around your neck), and you topple backward against the tank of the toilet and slide down onto...

    yes, the TOILET SEAT! It is wet, of course.

    Your bare bottom has now made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken the time to try.

    "Occupied!" you scream as the other lady mumbles excuses and backs out... and as you bolt up to save yourself and your dignity, leaning forward and reaching out again to hold the door closed, you now drop your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing again, and collapse again directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

    But then you realize, what's the use, as you've already caught anything and everything that might be there as the total time spent on the toilet seat is now more than 5 seconds, so you sit back down again, albeit gingerly... Anyway, you just don't have the thigh strength to balance yourself anymore.

    You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat, because, "Frankly, dear, you just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

    By this time, however, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes. Not once, but twice. The flushes propel streams of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs, soaking your pants on its way into your shoes

    The flushes somehow suck everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. At this point, you try your pockets for anything else remotely useable but find nothing but a gum wrapper and a receipt. Sigh.

    You try to do what you can to make 'repairs.' Finally, exhausted, you give up. You gather your pants, stand partially, get your balance for a moment while using your head to keep the door closed, and do 'the shake,' hoping... well, YOU know.... then pull your pants up and try to ignore what it's all feeling like. What is it feeling like? Like you just went rafting...

    You quickly open the door so you don't get smacked again, step aside for the next desperate woman, then slink out to the sinks hoping nothing is dripping....

    You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you try to inconspicuously wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk with your head held high past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

    However, no matter how confidently you walk, a kind soul at the very end of the line points out that a piece of toilet paper is trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

    As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

    If you're a guy reading this and still wondering why women go to the restroom in pairs: it's so you can take turns holding the door for each other, hanging onto each other's purses, and hand each other Kleenex under the door!

    However, this explanation does NOT explain why these places are called "restrooms"....

    (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!)

    [This Message was Edited on 08/16/2007]
  2. therealmadscientist

    therealmadscientist New Member

    Because the guys get to rest while....?
    Who said that? Not me!:)

    I always thought that women went in pairs because in the old days someone had to watch out for tigers and lions.

    [This Message was Edited on 08/16/2007]
    [This Message was Edited on 08/16/2007]
  3. victoria

    victoria New Member

    and men somehow didn't have to watch out?

    You DO know the #1 reason why men fall overboard from boats and drown? 90% are found with their zippers unzipped... they should use a buddy system too....

    LOL, I didn't say that either....

  4. therealmadscientist

    therealmadscientist New Member

    Hmmm, 90% unzipped? Was this on CSI?

    Let's see: beer + boats+ men+ standing = fatal combination.

    Apparently there are many more candidates for the Darwin Awards than I imagined.

    Hmmm, it does seem that most of the candidates for the Darwin Awards (people who remove selves from gene pool) are
    men. I wonder why.

    Well, at least, a guy can look over the bushes while on land. He can watch out for himself, uhh, ....while on land.

    Pretty funny anyway, anyhow. LOL, Your Mr Bill

    [This Message was Edited on 08/16/2007]
    [This Message was Edited on 08/17/2007]
  5. therealmadscientist

    therealmadscientist New Member

    Just remembered an Honorable mention in the Darwin Awards
    competition. Forget who won number one.

    A fellow climbed an electric power tower (coincidently, he had been drinking beer) and stopped to pee......on a high voltage line. Definitely no longer in the gene pool.

    I wonder if some of the drowned and "unzipped" had been overly amorous and were assisted over edge of boat.

    Somehow, events like these cause me to question the concept of Intelligent Design:)

    Cheers, Mr Bill
  6. mollystwin

    mollystwin New Member

    Thanks Victoria and also therealmadscientist. This was just too funny!!!
  7. victoria

    victoria New Member

    glad you liked it... unfortunately it's all too true, isn't it? Worst is that they don't give us a bit more room to handle full capacity at public events, and then arrest us when we sneak into the empty men's room, LOL!

    "intelligent design'... hmmmmmmm, the design of things you just described, mrbill, sounds about right to me... on behalf of many women.......... in certain situations....