I just thought I might send a separate post, in case this might not get to you. I can answer some, but not all, of your questions. First, I've had almost continuous relationships since about the age of 24, and now I'm 48, so I've never really been alone, in that sense. As to whether I feel safe; I don't feel he'll hit me, but I'm afraid of his anger, just because it's so unpredictable. So I feel safe, but I'm afraid of the verbal stuff. So I don't feel I can just kind of go along and be me. And I think that relates to my illness, because I feel kind of clenched, a lot of the time. Ok, and some of our good times have been extremely good, but the bad times and the messy house mostly outweigh the good times. It's partly good memories or sudden moments of connectedness that keep me in this relationship. He's unpredictable, both in terms of good and bad behaviors. And yes, of course he has some kind of disorder, but he will never admit it. I'm not a psychologist, but I've read a lot, and I'm not stupid. And yes, I've discussed his outbursts with him. Very rarely, he will apologize. Very rarely. Most of the time, he just says I have angry outbursts too, which is bull. In fact, pretty much anything we discuss; he'll throw the ball back in my court and just accuse me of the same thing. And no, he isn't concerned about his behavior. He doesn't seem to think he has a problem at all. The only times he ever ever gets concerned is when I threaten to break up. As I'm writing this, it sounds pretty bad. And yet there he is, sleeping upstairs in our bed, and I'll probably get into the bed later and snuggle with him. Yet that doesn't mean that I've given up the thought of breaking up with him. The unfortunate fact about life is that you can still love someone you need to break up with.