Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by budmickl, Apr 4, 2009.

  1. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    What does it to hair? My daughter has an alcohol problem with vodka.

    She used to have long thick beautiful hair. Now it is dry, dull, brittle (breaking off where she puts it in a ponytail) and not growing.

    Just wondered if her hair problems are related to the alcohol problem??

  2. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    most alcoholics dont eat or eat very poorly. thier bodies become depleted of vits and nutrients.

    is her skin dull? eyes yellow(that could be cirroshris)

    have you tried an intervention with her?
  3. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    She had an episode on New Years Day night and was in the hospital for injuries from falling down a flight of stairs. She then spent Friday night, Saturday, Saturday night in the city's mental hospital to dry out. They sent her to the 'city' hospital on Sunday because she wasn't doing too good. They were able to keep her several hours but in the end, she walked out because she wasn't a threat to herself or someone else. She is 32 yrs old.

    She doesn't have a job so no insurance no great theatrical intervention can take place and she be whisked off to a place of miracles. (IE That show on TV called INTERVENTION). With no insurance, and her sense of grandeur, she won't go to the two local free institutes that could help her.

    Thanks for your concern.

  4. robin1667

    robin1667 New Member

    I am not an expert on this,but i have a daughter who has had problems with alcohol.

    You can have a family intervention.It doesn't cost anything.

    Have your family get together and discuss what you all want to say to her. And remember to tell her you love her and that you see that she needs help. The next fall she may not survive! Or the next drunk. Tell her how you feel about her life style and that she needs to get help.

    You will have to do tough love with her. It will get tough on you's too.But you cannot give in to her. If she does not want to stop doing this to herself,she won't!SHE has to hit bottom and want help. But if she is willing to stop,then help her. But she has got to want the help.
  5. Didoe

    Didoe New Member

    hi budmickl
    never ends does it....she probably starving, even if she's eating, she may not be processing digesting much, and if she smokes that also eats up nutrients.

    I dont belive in 'tough love'--not all people respond to 'my way or highway' they will choose 'highway' and death, and are just unable to choose another path. And, in your daughters case, I dont mean to be hurtful, I would bet if she walked into a room filled with family trying a home made intervention, she'd pee from laughing before walking out. This requires professional help and I know you're exhausted and without the funds to do what's necessary.

    At some point, if you cannot do a touch love thing with her, you'll have to decide whose life is a priority...such know she can't be stupid to be tying you into knots this way, depriving you of a life for whatev er reasons she knows--and before you run off the personal list in your head, at some point we all become adults and responsible for what we do, we are also the results of poor parenting...but we pick ourselves up and keep moving forward...and the kids have to decide if they want to live, to do that also.

    thoughts always with you, look for yr posts, prayers too.
  6. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Your daughter sounds like she is determined to refuse help. And if that's so, there is nothing
    anyone can do.

    My dad was a mean drunk for half a century. Finally all his brain cells were burned out,
    and he spent a decade in a nursing home wearing a diaper. Didn't recognize his own
    family. That really didn't matter much since no one was willing to visit him anyway.

    One of my therapists said, "Get the toxic people out of your life." Certainly was a good
    plan for me. If I had it to do over again, I would have put even more distance between us.

    RE: depression, you said in your profile you have tried lots of remedies. I have too. The
    last couple years I've had some improvement from vitamin D3 and the B12 patch. If you
    haven't tried them, you might want to investigate.

    Good luck


  7. ksp56

    ksp56 Member

    I'm sorry you are going through this with your daughter. I am sure it has to do with lack of nutrients, eating habits, etc., as mentioned above.

    Our 21 y/o son is an alcoholic. He probably has been since he was 14. We get very mad at him, but of course, love him and worry. We have certain boundaries, which has helped us. I don't believe I could ever walk away from him, BUT, will do things to empower DH and I. Try hard to 'Let go, Let God'. Easier said than done.

    My dad was a recovering alcoholic, my maternal grandfather, my youngest brother as well as alcoholism on his dad's side. It is a horrid, horrid disease.

    Interventions work for some. I know our DS would walk in and walk out immediately.

    My heart goes out to you. I hope you can find some peace, somehow. Not easy.



    [This Message was Edited on 04/06/2009]
  8. robin1667

    robin1667 New Member

    is not my way or the highway. If you handle in the right way.

    I would suggest going to Al-Anon meetings to find out what tough love means.....

    it does not cost anything either...and it would help you as parents.....and have the know how to deal with her...

    You can even sit in on a AA meetings when it is open night....

    And yes the hair problems are likely from the alcohol.

    There is such a thing called enabling and the Al-Anon will teach you this.

  9. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    wow she's really got u as a hostage. I agree with other posters Al-anon would benefit you.

    bottom line tell her you are not going to watch her kill her self. This is a disease and it sounds like maybe she hasnt hit rock bottom yet. Have you ever tried an intervention? yes she could walk,laugh or decide to go for treatment. My daughter helped start the first womans and childrens center for abusers and it was free and nice. no job how is she buying booze?

    I know this is not easy. but are you enabling her? Dr. Drew Pinisky(celebrity rehab-sober house)has a website and he is very good.
  10. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    Maybe I don't understand what an intervention is , if it doesn't cost anything.

    To me, it would be confronting her with the issue and having a solution (rehab) ready for her to go to.

    Tough love is what I am trying to do - my version of it anyway. I talk straight to her about the problems her drinking has caused, and why she is in the situation she is. I don't give her money for booze, I do buy her cigarettes. I know she takes a drink out of my liquor cabinet (spare refrig). She is depressed and if a drink now and then helps... but I know it's wrong. (She is living with me while looking for a job)

    I just keep wondering what 'rock bottom' is? Losing her job, her apartment, her car and her driver's license seems pretty much the bottom to me.

    She knows she has a problem. I don't know that she wants to stop drinking. I just want her to stop drinking to the point of drunkenness and stupidity. I just tell her I love her and if she wants help, I will do what I can to help her.


  11. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    No, it seems to never end, especially with her. She is eating me out of house and home, but all she is eating is stuff - not wholesome, balanced meals because I don't cook that way. I can't afford to, for one thing. She is a smoker which worries me too, but that is the lesser of the 3 vices.

    As I said to Robin, my form of 'tough love' is to be painfully honest with her. I don't try to sugar coat any reason she is in the situation she is. It's all because of her drinking. We aren't a touchy, feely family but I have hugged her more in the last 3 months and told her I loved her that in the last 5 yrs.

    And you are so right about her laughing till she peed if she walked into a room full of HER family. Talk about dysfunctional!!! Then she'd get pissed off, mad that I told everyone what her problem was - not that they don' know already.

    You're right, I am exhausted worrying and wondering about her. At least now that she doesn't have a car, I know she is not likely to kill someone or herself by driving drunk. I just can't imagine being 33 yrs old and in the predicament she is. How is it going to get better??

    Thanks for your thoughts and prayers, I look for your posts also. You are in my heart too.

  12. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    Your posts are always ones I enjoy. You know exactly what to say and how to speak it.

    I think you are so right - she is not ready for any help, unless it's from the 'best' doctors and hospitals. I'm not sure where she gets this feeling of superiority, she wasn't raised that way and certainly didn't provide it for herself when she was working.

    How can I distance myself from my child, even though she is basically toxic to me?

    Thanks for the heads up about D3 and B12. I'll look into them.

  13. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    Thank you for your kind words.

    You are like me - you love 'em but get mad at 'em. What are we gonna do? I talk straight out to her about the problems her drinking has caused, I try to encourage her to get help but she just looks at me with disgust and starts to cry. She knows I'm right (about her needing help) but refuses to get it. She refuses to go our county health department for help. She will drink Vodka by the bottle, but won't take a pill for depression. Maybe if she could conquer her depression with pills, she wouldn't feel the need for alcohol. I don't know. I don't know how much further she has to go to 'rock bottom'. I feel she's already there.

    I didn't think about it until just now, but alcoholism runs in my dad's family (my dad wasn't an alcoholic while we were growing up, but was when my sister and I were babies). Alcoholism also runs in her father's side. Father, grandfather, had a great-uncle who drank himself to death. Is it really hereditary?

    Peace of mind is certainly elusive for me, I hope you have found it.

  14. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    I don't think of tough love as 'my way or the highway'. I think of it as straight forward talking to her.

    I have looked into Al-Anon meetings in my area. For some reason, I keep thinking unless she goes to AA meetings, I can't go to Al-Anon meetings. I know that's not true but find myself thinking that. Must be my way of denying she needs help? I don't know.

    As I said to one of the previous posters, I know she is have a drink now and then out of my limited liquor supply. She doesn't get drunk. She just stops shaking. I know it's wrong and so I am enabling her in that way. I wonder what other ways I'm doing it and not realizing it? Sounds like I could learn something from Al-Anon...

  15. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    I have let myself be taken in her and it sort of makes me mad. Others have asked me about her living her, not working, not doing anything really to help around the house.

    How do you know when she has hit 'rock bottom'? I would think she has already hit it and should be screaming and clawing her way back. She seems to be waiting for something to change, she isn't changing.

    I buy her cigarettes. She is drinking a drink now and then out of my liquor stash which is not her drink of choice. When she is here with me, she is sober. When she goes stays with her b/f, he buys her bottle after bottle. She is drunk from the time she leaves my house till after she gets here and sobers up.

    I am probably enabling her. As a previous poster suggested, I am going to check out Al-Anon and make sure I'm not enabling her. This has to stop somehow.

  16. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    I have looked into Al-Anon meetings in my neighborhood. I was actually looking for AA meeting for her to go to. But she won't go. I keep wondering if things are really so bad? How much worse do they need to be? No job, apartment, car or licenses is pretty bad. I keep waiting for someone to order her to go to AA. But no one is going to.

    How much worse can she get before she hits bottom? I don't know if I stand by and watch it get any worse for her.

    I wish I could have found that radio program you suggested. I didn't find it on any of the mid-western stations.

  17. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    What was the site? I didn't see in your post.

  18. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    Now I understand what it meant on the schedule about 'closed' meetings for AA. Not that the meeting was full, but that only AA people were welcome. I will definitely check out the web page and the Al-Anon meetings.

  19. robin1667

    robin1667 New Member

    If you go to Al Anon you will meet some very good people there! I so hope you and your hubby go together. Both of you need to go so you can be on the same page with your daughter.

    Everyone there knows what your going threw. And some of the things you may hear you'll feel like saying "I can't do that!",but if you want to help your daughter and I KNOW you do,you may have to do some things to get threw to HER.

    Hon, I know how hard this is. And i feel for anyone who has to go threw this. Think of going to the meetings as a way to help your daughter whether she goes or not. It will also help YOU.

    I pray that she will go to AA meetings.

    You'll need to go to more than one or two or even 3 meetings. The love,support and learning you will feel will be unbeleiveable! You do not have to share if you don't want too. You don't have to tell them your last name. Just tell them you are there to learn. No one will pressure you to talk.They also have books you can buy to help with understanding. You can also have a support sponsor. This is someone who can help you individually,who will be there for you.

    I will pray for your entire family!
  20. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    It would be just me going to the meeting. Her dad lives 300 miles away and has not an ounce of sympathy or empathy for what we are going through. I know if I go to the meeting, all I will do is sit and cry, just like I am right now.

    I think she is really more embarrassed to go to these meetings, thinking she will see someone she knows. I don't know why that would matter - they have a problem and are doing something about it.

    Thanks for your prayers, we can use them.