Quit feeling sorry for yourself and stop complaining.....

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Starla, Jan 4, 2003.

  1. Starla

    Starla New Member

    Here are a few statements that I am getting thrown at me like daggers. I would like everyone's comebacks, so I can let this person read them. What do you feel about someone saying to you:

    Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

    All you do is complain, gripe and moan. I'm sick of hearing it.

    I don't want to hear it today.

    You people on that board just sit and whine to one another.

    I feel bad everyday, you don't hear me bitc..ing.

    I just keep on working. You have to not think about it, if you let it get to you it will.

    (and if you don't mention it)..Oh, she's doing great today!

    How long are you going to stay in this house? When are you going to get out and do something? That is what is wrong with you.

    When are you going to go to the store? When are you going to clean this place up?

    You feel good enough to sit on that computer.

    You don't want to feel better or you'd do something about it.

    Well fellow FM friends, is that enough to get your feathers ruffled, or should I say more. I come to this board for advice on how to feel better each day, to hear some words of support and encouragement, to know I'm not alone in this and to be understood. We are not on here to whine to one another. Help me come up with the words to explain to people that we are the same people we use to be, that fun and interesting person now stuck in this body of torture.

    Words of love, offers to help, soft massages and gentle hugs are a few things that we would love to receive.

    Thanks in advance for your responses on what would you like to say to those statements.

  2. Ness

    Ness New Member

    Starla: I am so sorry that you are feeling so misunderstood by family and friends..I know what that feels like...I live it too..BUT the one thing I have come to know is that those who DO NOT live with our PAIN and FATIGUE will NEVER really understand....soooooooooooooo We have to just have selective hearing....you know that kind our kids have .LOL

    Yes, we come here to this "WONDERFUL SPECIAL PLACE" where others REALLY know our PAINS, FEARS, FRUSTRATIONS, and the DAGGERS that the NORMALITES( those that do not suffer with a hidden illnes) throw at us.....

    Family is a hard one to take sometimes....I know that I have spent my share of time crying because of what my kids have said or my husband or inlaws.....I know that my husband and my kids have told me from time to time that they can't stand to see me in so much Pain and they can't FIX ME....the Doctors can't fix me.....and they HATE to see me cry.....THEY WANT ME BACK THE WAY I WAS....
    WELL that is not gonna happen.....but we have to get to the place where we just DO NOT HEAR THE NEGATIVE from THE OTHERS....we know what we go through and WHY we can sit at the COMPUTER. and not clean the house or go shopping.we have found THE SUPPORRT and VALIDITY that we so desperatly need.to SURVIVE!!!!!..

    I am here for you my friend ...anytime you want to vent.....want to hear words of encouragement...to know that you are NOT ALONE in what you hear from OTHERS...I know .... I LIVE IT TOO!!!!!! REMEMBER .....THEY WILL NEVER GET IT!!!!!! and tune them out and BE YOU!!!
    Just do what you have to do to survive this DD..and tune out the NEGATIVES and just BE!!!!!!

    Peace to you ...
    Ness


    [This Message was Edited on 01/05/2003]
  3. starstella

    starstella New Member

    I've come to the conclusion that pain is such a personal experience that no one will truly understand, and those cutting remarks will come. Even with that understanding the remarks still hurt.

    My husband and children don't understand that this DD is chronic, so I have to keep reminding them. When my twitching was really bad, there was at least visibe evidence, but who wants that! Some of my lines:

    "it's really hurting me to climb the stairs today"

    "I cannot do the food shopping today, I need help. My arms are too weak today to reach things on the shelves and my back hurts too much to push the cart and lift the grocery bags"

    "I feel so bad that I can't work in the flower garden like I used to"

    "Sitting at the computer and reading messages helps me realize that I'm not the only one with these symptoms, I thought I was going crazy"

    "Brain work (like sitting reading things on the computer) helps distract me from my pain."

    If I am having a good day physically, I'll say so, and try to do something like housework or going out to show that I do care and am trying.

    "Boy, I was having a good day yesterday, and today my (legs, arms, back, whatever,) really hurt."

    Hope this helps. My own situation is not ideal either, but this is what I'm doing to try to survive living with a family. Most days I wish I could sit in a corner someplace and only have to think about me. I have told my husband that I can't decide if trying to have a family life is keeping me going or making me feel worse, but this is what I have to deal with.

    Regarding an earlier message from you. My grandmother's name was stella, couldn't use that name, so I stuck star in front of it to keep within the stellar theme. Sorry the name is so close to yours.
    Connie
  4. garlinbarb

    garlinbarb New Member

    for so many of us.You just have to ge to the place were you accept youself the way you are. It's rally very simple, but the hardest thing in the world.

    I have found smart assed come backs do more harm than good, so don't use them.
    I don't complain much any more and when I do, it's more like a statement of fact.

    See to your own needs. If you respect yourself, rather than trying to earn the respect of others, all else will fall into shape.

    Get to the right doc, find the right meds and/or sups that help. Find ways to get things done that are more compatable to the way you are now etc........

    It worked for me as it has worked for others.

    I'm sorry you are going thru this now. I think all of us hve been there.

    Barb
  5. Vicque

    Vicque New Member

    Hey there Starla...First of all you can tell these so-called humans, (they are humans right?), that God forbid they have to walk in your or anyone else's shoes on this website for one day. I have been a nurse for 12 years and a nursing assistant 5 years prior to that. I am currently writing a book just for the people you have encountered. They are no different than a racisist. Ignorance is what you are dealing with, and no doubt certainly uneducated people at that. Regardless, you might want to print off the responses to my post for people to list the top 5 things that have had a negative effect on thier lives since being diagnosed. I think you will find more than ever, that most if not all listed the fact of the comments they as yourself have encountered. One thing I have learned is to be careful what I say. These so called humans who are blasting you, could be on this board "whining" themselves in the time to come. They do not understand that no one is exempt from loss, whatever form it may come in. THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN JUST SNAP OUT OF! The Bible says to love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, I agree with God, but just for today, slap this print out in thier hand and tell them to get a life, while they still have one.....Peace....Vicque P.S. With Your permission I would love to print your article you have written here in my book,as it is classic to what I am writing about....
  6. Reg1

    Reg1 New Member

    I have all l8 tender points, there is not a day that goes by that i am not in pain somewhere in my body. No one but the people who are afflicted with this disease can judge us. nor have they walked in our shoes, because believe me, if they did, a lot of them would have the shoes removed. So from now on, you don't have to make your condition any worse by even responding to those who just to ignorant to understand. (((((Gentle Hugs))))) Reg
  7. JP

    JP New Member

    and it may or may not help depending on how you feel about your illness. A while back had asked my friends and family to not ask me how I am doing...well this did not work because it is an automatic question and I have an automatic truth spew out of my mouth. My doc gave me the idea to talk with friends and family that know what I am living with and to request that we do not talk about it...at all. If I am acute...I will let them know if need be. Otherwise, it is life as usual. I do not need others seeing me as ill...it adds to my illness. I do what I can and take responsibility for my symptom management in the best way that I can. I feel more normal already...still ill and my request as taken the attention off of me! Thank goodness!! I can not handle being labeled a pain person, or sick person...it takes me down a road that does not serve me at all. I work hard at re-claiming my life and I have a lot going on in this body, as many of us do. Please trash this note if it is of no value to you. We are all ill and we find support in so many different ways.

    I hope life gets a little better regarding this issue.
    Take care,
    Jan
  8. dan0248

    dan0248 New Member

    My Daddy always told me that you could always tell when you had met an idiot, and he always said you couldn’t tell them much. It sounds like you have met an idiot or ray tell are married to one, in either case good luck, also don’t you wish there was a law that stated that they had to carry a sign stating that they were idiots that you could chose to walk on bye. Good luck from 52 year old ex power lineman in Missouri.
  9. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I have pretty much done everything I can to feel better and the results are starting to show up. I am a big believer in the mind/body/spirit connection, so I found a therapist who is teaching me to be a well person.

    When we live with pain every day for years, we start to identify with our illness(es) rather than who we are underneath. We mentally and spiritually become sick people. We have to relearn how to be well people and identify with wellness in order to heal. My therapist is using hypnotherapy to help me identify with wellness.

    This message is most likely lost of those who haven't addressed their pain and fatigue yet. It is important to find treatments which will relieve the pain and fatigue so we can heal to the best of our ability.

    I believe it is a good idea for those close to us to stop asking how we are. It is also a good idea for us to stop dwelling on our pain and fatigue and focus on what we can do to help ourselves.

    Love, Mikie
  10. Milo83

    Milo83 New Member

    Ok, Yes we are in pain and suffer from great fatigue..Maybe I'm lucky, my husband usually understands..
    I try not to complain all the time, it gets you no where, and then you take the chance of even loosing friends - nobody wants to hear someone whine all the time..
    Do what you can..And should someone ever say, why didn't you do this or that - just say, well today was worse than usual..I realize that some of you probably have the symptoms worse than me..But I also have more than FMS going on, but I try to keep going..If I would sit and just dwell on everything everyday of my life, I would probably be TOTALLY INSANE!! I also realize this disease is depressing, and gets you P*ss** off..I always try to look at it like, there is always someone worse off than me out there..
    "PLEASE I'M NOT TRYING TO TICK ANYONE OFF HERE" - JUST MY OPINION..
    I think if you read Garlinbarb & Jellybelly's post you will agree..
    Take Care All...........Donna
  11. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    I haven't seen anyone mention that what you are describing is out and out ABUSE. Verbal abuse is not one bit less painful, or does not have one bit less long lasting effects on
    your mind and body than physical abuse. It's easy to say just don't talk about it and there is a point beyond which we need to keep some of it to ourselves. But the one post will say keep it to yourself and the next will say to let your "loved" ones? know how you feel. MY advice would be to get some literature together, put it in the bathroom where it may be ignored but MIGHT be
    picked up and read. Secondly, if you
    can, get this "person" to go to your
    doctor with you and sit in. Try asking them to sit down and not comment, have yourself prepared with the key points you need to say (write
    it down) and let it out. If none of this works, you just have a chronic
    abuser on your hands. If you can't get away from this person, and I would advise that you DO, and you find you can't just "tune them out"
    ...it may be my German blood, but they'd be hearing "Educate yourself or SHUT UP!" from me every time they
    threw such ignorant and abusive things to me. If you have insurance
    or can afford it get to a therapist,
    alone if need be, for advice on how
    to "cope" or "let go" of this person
    and this lifestyle. I'd rather be on
    public assistance or under the bridge
    than try to live with the abuse. I doubt my opinion is very popular but it is just an opinion. Bless you. Bambi
  12. klutzo

    klutzo New Member

    What goes around, comes around. Karma. Judge not, lest ye be judged. Do unto others, etc.
    No matter what you call it, you can't get away from learning it's lessons.
    Klutzo
  13. Myth

    Myth New Member

    I know what you mean Starla!
    Of course even I get sick of my complaining! I actually do not complain all that much, only when it Really hurts, or I am Realy tired and sore-- so people are darn lucky I don't complain about the normal crapiness.
    I just tell people 'You know I just try and take one day at a time, but unfortunately several days attack me at once sometimes'.
    Anyway I read this book called Fibromyalgia for Dummies (can I refer books, or is that against the rules?.. whatever). The book suggsted just what to say to family and co-workers when you get those oh so typical idiotic insenstive remarks. There is also a chapter for your family to read- hell make them read the whole book!
    You know what is funny? I know people have no understanding for my dd, but this ironically has made me rather indifferent to their aches and pains. How many tims have I heard someone complain about a little headache, or that pain they get in their elbow when it rains! Oooh, that must be horrible. To me they are the whiners. But that is mean of me, and I try to sympathize. Most people cannot rlate to our dd because they have never experienced long term or even extreme pain- they can only relate to what they have themselves expereinced form time to time- and they remember it being not so bad. It is like someone who gets a stress headache one in a while trying to comprehend the person that gets a migraine- it just ain't gonna happen. Pain is just too damn subjective. Besides a behaviourist whould say that a person is not in pain unless they exhibit pain behavior (groaning, wincing, limping or... verbal complaints), ergo we must complain or people will think we feel all fine and dandy.
  14. LisaMay

    LisaMay New Member

    are what I give rather than complaining. I find it is heard better. I'm lucky that my family and friends understand what I'm going through. Not one them is willing to trade places with me, darn it!

    I hope you find a happy medium for yourself. Lisa
  15. Annette2

    Annette2 New Member

    Wow! My grandmother's name was also Stella! Actually, her real name was Esther, but they called her Stella. Both names mean "star", by the way. She always loved the Jewish holiday of Purim, because Queen Esther was the heroine, and I guess she felt a closeness there. She was under 5' tall and was quite a character. She died in August, 1969, and I still miss her terribly!

    Annette2
  16. Tess0

    Tess0 New Member

    I just discovered this group adn am so happy. I am reading posts and repeating the mantra, "me too," "me too," with everything. It's been so lonely and so hard to take, especially the negative reaction from mu husband and therefore kids.

    So, hello. Am glad I found you guys.
    Tess
  17. Annette2

    Annette2 New Member

    I have found that I needed to take responsibility for my "illness". I've also been lucky. When I tell people I have FMS they usually look at me with understanding and say "I'm sorry". I haven't had anybody attack me about it. I also try not to complain. Since I have pain constantly, what's the point? I do what I can do at home and my husband understands. I do things more slowly now and can't do everything all at once. I can't open jars - I ask for help. I can't lift too heavy things - I ask for help. When I don't feel good, with anything, I like to be left alone. I usually sit on the couch and watch TV. I am starting to say "no" more to people. I am involved with a volunteer organization and have told them I can only do a little bit because it's too stressful to do too much. I haven't gotten a hard time at all about it. Anyway, I am selective about who I talk to about my illness. I don't even discuss it with my close friends a lot. How much can they listen to? When I feel really bad I talk to my therapist. Thank God we have this board - you are the people I "tell it all" to. The other thing I wanted to say is that sometimes people can't relate to other people's illnesses. For example, my husband used to get VERY BAD cluster headaches. I was younger then, and didn't understand the level of pain he had. I would think he was making too big a deal about the pain, etc. Maybe people who don't have FMS REALLY can't understand what we go through. I think it would be hard for them. Of course that's no reason to attack someone. If someone does attack you, maybe you can ask them if they have some sort of illness or problem, and try to get them to relate to your FMS through whatever their problem is. It was just a thought I had. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to say!!!!

    Annette2 :)
  18. 1maqt

    1maqt New Member

    Hello Starla,
    So sorry to hear people have been so unkind to you. I even get that for people from church. Usually, I just look at them and smile, and think to myself, Lord, please don't let me do the bodily harm to this individual that I would like to.

    Get all the information you can and educate. Don't say anything, just hand them a read out of the symtoms of FMS.
    Etc. Insensitive people are only being "self" centered, they don't want your problem to cost them anything.

    Most people don't even recognize they have anything ."to"
    give. Prepare yourself mentally---I did not ask for this desease... I am not responsible for how you feel,-- I am not reslponsible for your not wanting to help--- I am doing the best I can, that is all I can do.

    Being ill does not make me any less important to God or anyone else. I am a valuable person and created special, one of a kind, there is noone else like me any time any where.

    Your strenth must come from you inner self. Look to your own resources for making yourself accept the fact that you are not invincaable, you are human... God loves you, and
    so do I, and will pray for you to find the peace and understanding you need. Let me know if there is anything else I can do...............1maqt
  19. MelG

    MelG New Member

    Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
    I don’t feel sorry for myself but I would like you to have a better understanding of what I am going through, so when I am not up to coming over for dinner or whatever, you REALLY understand why. Because unless you have walked in my shoes, you don’t know what this is like.

    All you do is complain, gripe and moan. I'm sick of hearing it.
    One can only keep so much to themselves. If you’re tired of hearing it, then don’t ask how I’m doing.

    I don't want to hear it today.
    Whatever.

    You people on that board just sit and whine to one another.
    We’re not whining. We’re trying to figure out what the hell is happening to us and we need to talk to people who are dealing with the same thing. It’s called sanity.

    I feel bad everyday, you don't hear me bitc..ing.
    That’s not my problem. But if you feel badly, perhaps you should speak to someone about it, maybe that would help.

    I just keep on working. You have to not think about it, if you let it get to you it will.
    I’m happy that you can do that. Perhaps you feel you are better or stronger than me, or perhaps it just hasn’t caught up with you yet.

    How long are you going to stay in this house? When are you going to get out and do something? That is what is wrong with you.
    Until I can muster up enough energy to walk to the end of the driveway to get the mail. I have an incurable illness. I'm sorry the label is not more socially pleasing to you.

    When are you going to go to the store? When are you going to clean this place up?
    When I am having a good day, I will go to the store and clean up this place. When I am having a bad day, if I can afford it, I will use an online service for some groceries. Or I might ask a friend or someone I know from church or even a neighbor to pick a few things up for me.

    You feel good enough to sit on that computer.
    No I really don’t but if I can manage to get my foggy head and stiff painful body to sit there, it’s better mentally for me than laying in bed feeling like death. At least I can interact with people who understand. I can become better educated about my condition.

    You don't want to feel better or you'd do something about it.
    I desperately want to feel better. I am doing everything I can possibly do at the present time. But I have no magic bullet and neither does the medical community.

  20. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I, personally, don't give a rat's behind what others think. On the other hand, I don't do much complaining either. I have always felt that it is important not to give in to negativity. I try to focus on getting well and being a well person.

    As I said above, this would not have been possible while I was suffering so with pain and fatigue every single day. We do need to address our physical symptoms in order to start working on the mental aspects of our illnesses. Then, we find that the healthier we become mentally, the better we feel physically. I'm not saying it is all in our minds; what I am saying is that the body/mind/spirit connection is undeniable.

    Love, Mikie