RANT: I am scared to have children...:(

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Beckula, Jul 17, 2005.

  1. Beckula

    Beckula New Member

    Is anyone else scared to have children? I am scared I am going to pass FMS (genes) and I cry at the thought of a child of mine being in pain, like I have been. I am scared to get pregnant, I heard it can make symptoms better or worse (or it could stay the same). I am scared of the pain during labor and I am scared of the needles and shots (I have a phobia of them). I am have a terrible diet.

    UGH!!! I just dunno what to do to get me out of this black hole! I think I would want kids, but there are so many unknowns...I just have NO idea what to do!!!
  2. sweetnuff1

    sweetnuff1 New Member

    I have 3 children and so far they all are fine. My oldest dau. have problems with her knees hurting often but she keeps quite active. There is a strong chance that she may have FMS also but we always think of it as it could be worst. Every labor is diffent. With my first child everybody was telling me how bad the pain was going to be and the delivery was over and I was still waiting on the bad pain every one was talking about. LOL
    Don't be scared everyone is different. Children are a true blessing.
  3. cjcookie

    cjcookie New Member

    No needles, no pain, no chance of passing this awful disease on to your children.

    By the way, I commend you on worrying about passing the disease on to your child. Most people that talk about it only mention their symptoms worsening or whether they will be able to care for the child. I am really glad you are thinking about the disease and your child.
    [This Message was Edited on 07/17/2005]
  4. Mamalovinit

    Mamalovinit New Member

    You can't go through life scared, you would be a mess in no time. You should get your diet under control for yourself if nothing else, that does make a difference. I have 7 childern and I love it. Labor was all different for me,#7 was the hardest. We never know what tomorrow will hold for anyone with fm or anyone else.Life is to short to worry about what might not come to pass. I used the pain meds in labor, I felt like the fms made it hurt more than it did with my first when I didn't have the fibro. Who knows in 10 years from now there may be a cure. What a shame not to have kids if you really want them because of all the what ifs in this life. Kids truly are a blessing.

    Mamalovinit
  5. skinnymini

    skinnymini New Member

    It sounds to me like you have many fears and that you are letting them get the better of you. I think having FMS brings these fears to the surface for us and believe it or not, I think that can be a good thing. I just went through something like this last week when I had a bit of a breakdown, too. I felt like my world as I knew it was crashing in around me. So, I wrote all my fears down in a list under the title "Fears I Have at this Moment in Time".....I know it sounds trivial but it really helped me get my feelings out and on paper so I could look at them and study them closer. And it kind of diffused them at the same time. And three days later they don't seem so scary afterall. I will probably have completely different fears next week.
    Being afraid to have children is a natural fear....We all dread the thought of going through the whole birthing process.... mostly because we know nothing about it at first. We tend to fear those things we know little about. The more you know about it the less fearful it becomes. I think that's why we are given 9 whole months to read and prepare ourselves for the big event. The birthing process is no fun but it is worth the trouble. You know the saying...Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Having a child is one of the greatest experiences life has to offer, but it is not for everyone. It is a huge committment in every way and you do not have to go through it if you do not want to. If you are unsure, as you appear to be, then listen to your body and WAIT. Obviously you are not ready to go through with it at this time in your life. There is no rush...let's face it children do complicate your life.

    You need to learn to trust the process of life itself (and I say this every bit for myself as I do for you because I am learning to do it, too.) For me this means that I need to just relax and let life happen and learn to enjoy each moment, live in each moment and learn to listen to what my body is telling me. I need to learn to trust my Higher Power (GOD), too and know that all will happen in due time the way He plans it to happen. I believe that everything that happens to us happens the way it is supposed to happen. Believing this relieves a lot of stress. Also, relaxation exercises and deep breathing (ie. yoga) help me to focus on the moment and teach me to live in the moment.
    For the moment if I were you, I would focus on recovery and NOT getting pregnant because I think it would be difficult to be a good parent while you are ill, and you are ill. Children need and deserve a healthy parent and you would just be adding huge stress to your life if you were to have children at this time when you are in such pain. There is plenty of time to have children..(It sounds like you are very young.) I would recommend you focus on regaining your health for the time being. Be thankful that you have this time free of children so that you can be free to do what you need to do to get healthy...in all areas of your life... emotionally, physically, nutitionally and spiritually . Then you will be ready to be a good parent to your child(ren).
    I also recommend you read books by Louise Hay..she teaches how learning to love yourself can heal you. (There are tapes and CD's available, too.)
    Also, watch Dr. Phil tomorrow (Monday, July 18) because he will be talking about the healing power of music and we all need a little inspiration in our lives, especially when we are ill.

    [This Message was Edited on 07/17/2005]
    [This Message was Edited on 07/17/2005]
  6. Beckula

    Beckula New Member

    If I focus on recovery, I will be in that stage forever! I am almost 25 years old and I have had fibromyalgua and mild scoliosis since I was 16 (at least I think it was "triggered" then).

    I have been married for almost a year...I want to have children, but this is a worry that will not go away. I am a very strong Christian and so is my husband and that gives me strength, but this is something I am going to think about forever if I don't get past my questioning and fears.
  7. karinaxx

    karinaxx New Member

    pregnany can make it worse and you will need a lot of energy for a child. I have one and let me tell you, with cfids it is no candybar. I would concnetrate on getting better and than see.
  8. suesmith24

    suesmith24 New Member

    Our children do not ask to come into this world, and therefore it is our responsibility to take care of them in the best possible way.

    As you know, this disease can be mild or can rage into a state where we cannot get out of bed. Children still have to be fed, taken to school, their laundry done and we need to participate in their lives. Some days any or all of this cannot be done. Is that fair to them? Is it fair to expect others to do your responsibilities? Of course not, so this is a determination that requires deep thought and not a casual decision.
  9. ibisgirldc

    ibisgirldc New Member

    Is FM genetic? Could you provide me some links that discuss that?

    And in my case, I'm not as afraid as much as my boyfriend is. With all of my various illnesses, he's worried that if and when we do get around to marrying/having kids, either I won't be able to handle it or that it will seriously deteriorate my health. (I didn't know about the genetic stuff. I suppose he and I would have to add that to the list, if true.)

    I figure that it would be tough, especially on the rough days. (Heck, today, I'm working from home since my body was so stiff and sore that it took me 4 hours to get out of bed.) But then, as they say about babysitting other people's kids, it's different when they're your own. And hey, as someone with FM, I'm already waking up every few hours anyway! :) So what's a little midnight feeding... (Meaning, we're in pain and sleeping badly already... at least with a baby to love, it's not for naught.)

    Have you talked to your OB/GYN about this? Or your pain/FM doc? What do they say in response to this concern?

    P.S. While I haven't had kids yet, I've had several kidney stones. They're supposed to be as bad or worse than labor pain. You'll live... as have most of the billions of women who've had kids before you. And the needles? Well, a deep phobia requires other help, but I've had an epidural (for foot surgery) and I can tell you that they work and they're a thousand times better, say, than waking up from general anesthesia. If you're (as my boyfriend likes to quote - thanks to Austin Powers) baking a baby in the oven, by the time you're ready for delivery, you'll probably be thrilled (or anxious) to get the drugs, needles, and labor pain done with. And again, maybe your ob.gyn can help. I'm sure you're not the first woman to have these concerns.[This Message was Edited on 07/18/2005]
  10. snooker11

    snooker11 New Member

    Most likely, if we do pass on the genes for FM, there will be better drugs or maybe even cures in the future for our children.
  11. cjcookie

    cjcookie New Member

    As you may know, I'm very adament on this subject so I could post hundreds of sites but I'll just post a couple with a little verbage and you can search on Fibromyalgia and genetic for a list. I do know a few people with the disease whose children have it or show signs. I also know siblings (twins) who both have the disease. Maybe I'm so definite in my answer because I have it pretty bad and it has devistated my life. If it was mild, I might feel differently.

    http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Ostalecki1.html
    --Fibromyalgia occurs in all ages, ethnic groups, and cultures. Its gender distribution is nearly equal in childhood, but in adults it is more prevalent in females. Is fibromyalgia genetic? Even though no fibromyalgia genetic markers have been found, there are studies documenting high prevalence of the syndrome among certain families. There are many theories as to the cause of this syndrome. Trauma, infection and stress are three of the most common etiologies.

    http://neurotransmitter.net/fibromyalgiagenetic.html
    --Our study of 40 multicase families confirms existence of a possible gene for FM that is linked with the HLA region.

    http://www.womansday.com/article.asp?section_id=4&article_id=7499
    1. Is fibromyalgia genetic?
    Several studies have found that genetics may play a role in FM. A high incidence of fibromyalgia symptoms have been found in offspring of parents with FM.
  12. limbo

    limbo Member

    I have become addicted to this message board, I love it! In my family my Dad surely had it, but no name for it, but he had pain, went to Winipeg for Mud baths, his sisters had myasthenia gravis, I have fibro, my daughter has it, my youngest thinks she may, but doesn't want to know. She has lupus(skin)Two brothers have fibro, I also have Rayunards, a granddaughter also.

    I'm a Adult Child, and went through Family of Orgin counseling about 15 years ago and learned so much, I just kept on with spiritual background. I don't think it is caused by envirement, I know too many who have had a normal childhood, who has it. I just pray we get a break thru soon, because it is the pits!! God Bless
  13. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member

    If you are only 25, then you have lots of time. And you've only been married a year, so you need time for the dust to settle too. My thought is that if you have this many reservations right now, then you just aren't ready. It's no biggy, look at Rainfryer, she's 43 and pregnant w/out trying, so you have up to 2 decades of fertility under your belt. That's a good chunk of time to sort things out. Doesn't it help to think of it that way? There's no hurry.



    Jeanne
  14. jennypee

    jennypee New Member

    I'm feeling like I need to be popping out some babies before it's too late for me (I'm 27) but I'm scared to death too.

    I'm afraid that I'll be a bad mother through neglect, because there's a lot of stuff I don't want to do due to the pain consequences. What if I decide to just ignore the kids because I only care about myself and how much I hurt?

    Also, I'm scared I'll be too crabby from pain and be abusive or something.

    What if I have kids and my husband dies? I guess my little sister would take care of us.

    Starting a family was always my only major goal. I couldn't wait to share the good parts of what my parents gave me with my own kids. Now I'm just not sure I could parent anyone, when I can barely manage a shower a couple times a week.

    Sorry for the pity party, everyone. It's kind of a sensitive subject for me. Also, sorry I don't have any helpful advice.

    jennypee