rant, really stressed out.

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by dani78xo, Mar 6, 2006.

  1. dani78xo

    dani78xo New Member

    so, i guess i'm finally SORTOF accepting that i really do have FM,
    though i keep hoping in some weird coincidence
    that my doctors will call and say "SUPRISE! we fooled you!"
    i don't want to believe that i have this,
    because from what i hear on this board,
    it's horrible to live with.

    i've been determined since forever to become a vet,
    and thats hard enough for me to reach for
    without missing half of high school
    {kay, bit of an exaggeration, buti doubt this is the last time i'll be missing school from FM}

    sometimes i just get so hopeless,
    thinking that there's no way i could achieve my goals with THIS riding on my back my whole life.

    but at the same time i still hope all the time that i'll get out of this,
    because my moms therapist has fibro,
    and used to have CFS. she recovered from the CFS
    and i don't think has to be on any fibro meds,
    but she has to follow a certain lifestyle.
    she looks really healthy,
    and until i got diagnosed i never even knew she was sick,
    so it kindof gives me hope,
    but at the same time i hear about all these people
    who just get sicker and sicker,
    and i don't want to end up going to college in a wheelchair.

    just the weight of having a chronic illness like this is horribly frightening.

    and to make it worse, the fibro med i'm trying out
    cymbalta is making me gain weight.
    i'm craving sugar LIKE CRAZY,
    and i know i need to CUT DOWN on the sugar
    because it'll make my FM better.
    but i've gained four pounds in like a week or two,
    and it makes me feel HORRIBLE
    because regretfully i used to have an eating disorder,
    and i can't stand gaining weight.

    but as much as i don't want to gain weight,
    i'm scared of going off the cymbalta.
    it seemed to reduce the frequency of my migraines,
    except for these stupid migraine cycles which last for a straight two weeks,
    and i'm scared that if i DO go off of it,
    i'll realize that it really was helping my pain,
    and i don't want to be in any more pain =[.

    i'm just so confused at what to do,
    i definitely can't take gaining too much more weight
    without going back into severe depression,
    which is another reason i'm on cymbalta.
    and i know for a FACT it's keeping me from crying every day.

    i hate trying new meds out,
    and taking 20 pills a day.
    but i want to get better so much.

    i also don't deal well with stress. AT ALL.
    i've had this really odd and uncommon stress coping method,
    for as long as i can remember.
    it's a really embarrassing problem,
    but no ones ever found a way to get me to stop.
    and being sick with a migraine for over a week isdefinitely making it worse.

    ah...everythings just so out of control,
    and i won't go shopping that much anymore.
    i can't go to the mall or anything because my knees end up KILLING ME for the next week,
    my moms told me sometimes to see about getting a wheelchair when i start to feel like that in the mall,
    but i have such horrible social anxiety issues i don't think i could handle getting stares from being in a wheelchair or a scooter.

    it's just all so insane, and even though my rheum. is POSITIVE i have FM now,
    i'm just hoping this is all a joke.
    {"suprise! you're not sick! haha.."}

    and the denial is just making me more stressed i think.
    ah, this isn't fun.

    and of course none of my friends understand.
    i dont think my mom even understands, though she has fibro.
    i don't think hers was ever as severe as mine.
    so she can't really understand when i'm too sick to do anything.
    and i feel bad cause she always wants me to go to speeches shes making and i jsut don't think i could handle standing in a crowd for that long,
    and i don't want to nag her while shes' talking to her friends saying i'm about to collapse and can we go home.

    also, since this is at an especially bad time i can't get my permit yet. i've been too sick to be able to catch up in school AND study for a permit,
    and even if i do get my permit soon i won't be able to get my license for probably another year because i can't even do a full day of school yet, how the heck am i supposed to do everyday in a drivers ed classroom PLUS school?

    but it's funny...
    from all the stuff i've read about FM,
    i've always had signs of it.
    not the pain or the migraines,
    but like, the constant yeast infections,
    and stuff liek that.
    i didn't ever think it had anything to DO with anything serious.

    but i guess it was all just adding up.
    then, i guess i have to get used to all the
    "is it contagious?" questions
    i feel like coughing on the next person that asks that,
    just for spite.
    my friends just tell me "you're gonna get through this, stay positive." but really, HOW can you tell someone to stay positive when they've gotten diagnosed with a chronic PAIN disorder?

    and to make matters worse, my teacher is all sympathetic.
    i don't want sympathy.
    i don't want people to see me as a frail, going-to-break-in-half-at-their-touch kind of person...
    i mean, it makes it easier, getting back into schoolwork,
    but i realy don't want sympathy.
    i want to be a normal teenager.

    AND, of course, the only thing that keeps replaying in my mind is how half of my friends kept telling me "OH MAN i wish i was sick like you, YOU don't have to be in school!"

    well i'd switch places with them anyday, GLADLY.

    i think the ear ringing and the dizziness and the migraines get me the most.
    they might all be from TMJ, but i guess there's not really much you can do for it.

    ah..this post is like wicked long.
    i just realllyyyy needed to rant,
    because i've been so stressed out
    and just the weight of all of this coming at me...

    i feel like the people on this board are the only people who really can understand what i'm going through.
    even my doctors don't really know,
    even though they HAVE patients with FM.

    well, i'm done ranting now =].
    i suppose it'll eventually get better in the end,
    if i change the way i live.

    i just hope that end comes soon.

    ps. i was looking on livejournal for a FM community, and one. i didn't find many, and two. the ones i did find were either not active or they had hideous neon pink on black colors that made my head 10 times worse. ironic, making a FM and CFS community that painful to look at =].
  2. lovethesun

    lovethesun New Member

    and it looks like they have a home program-Drivers ed in a box with videos.Check DMV.org.As for the fibro.the best way to take it is a day at a time.Nobody knows what the future is.Yours could be brighter than you think as time gos on.Linda
  3. HopefulHeart

    HopefulHeart New Member

    I just joined this board today and saw your post. I wanted to let you know that I understand. Your post really hit home for me and touched my heart. I have FMS and possibly CFS. My daughter just turned 17 and was diagnosed with FMS at 13. I know how hard it must be for you as a teen. My daughter felt and went through a lot of the same things. It was so difficult for her and lonely as well, since she didn't know anbody else her age with FMS either. And none of her friends at school really understood. I'm so glad you have everyone on this board to talk to. I widh we had that when my daughter was first sick. But at least I just found this board now, so we can use it now. She had been a swimmer her whole life. It was her joy and she had to quit the high school team when she was dx'd because of the pain. She also gained weight after she quit swimming which has been very difficult for her as well. But she and I joined a gym and try to walk there on days when we feel well enough. Last school year, I thought she would never make it through. I still cannot believe she didn't end up being tutored at home , but somehow she stayed in school - even though she slept through classes many days and missed a total of 15 full days of school. Her school was very supportive and they allowed her to sleep in the nurses office when she needed. Her teachers were very understanding and allowed her extra time for assignments, re-taking of tests, etc. She has felt much better this year and her grades have improved a lot. My daughter also wanted to be a vet for a very long time, but she has changed her mind now and wants to go into Criminal Justice after she graduates H.S. next year. Please remain hopeful. I'm sure you'll get your permit soon. My daughter had to wait too but has her license now. Try to remember - take one day at a time. Every day is an opportunity for things to be better. Keep trying new meds or other things that work for you. However you feel today is not necessarily the way it will be tomorrow or next week or next month. Be strong - hang in there. I know it's hard, but I believe you will be fine. It's OK to rant. We all need that oncein awhile with this DD. I'm glad your "SORT OF" accepting it. It took my daughter a long time to work through that acceptance part, but she is such a stronger person now and doing much better. Good Luck. Hugs, Hopeful Heart
  4. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I can tell ya right now...you'll probably have to change your meds. There are anti-depressants that don't cause weight gain, and don't cause carb cravings and your doc needs to know how yours is affecting you.

    You mentioned an odd way of dealing with anxiety...but you didn't mention how. If you've got a few minutes, take a peek at my profile and the threads posted about my 19 year old daughter. She has FM too...amoung other things.

    I'm going to take a wild guess and say that your hormones may be way out of whack. Ask if your doc can check them too.

    You sound a bit like my daughter (although not the severe problems) but she didn't like taking her meds, didn't like accepting that she has this illness and stress is a major issue for someone of her age and yours.

    At your age, you have the benefit of much better medical testing than us older ppl did. See if you can get some better tests run that might give you some answers.

    Make a list of your symptoms for the doc's office...most of us can't remember what our questions are when we finally get an appt. That's a small step that can help.

    And be your own best advocate.....know what you need and what needs to be checked by doing some research here and online.

    I still have tons of hope for you...


    Nancy B.