This has been an especially hard week...new symptoms every day, and the cold weather is killing me. In the past the cold has made the pain worse, and the lack of sunlight has made the depression worse, but at least the cold has actually given me more energy...not this yr. This yr it just zaps what little energy I manage to find. And today, I had to unbury my car from the icy snow...by the time I was done, I was really too tired to actually go anywhere. Last yr, I felt awful, but one of the few things I was able to do was uncover my car....and I would also go brush the snow off of other people's cars as a surprise, w/o letting them know it was me...I felt like in some small way I was helping. Now, I am so helpless in so many ways...I just keep getting worse. I also had found a Dr (after trying many others) who actually knew something about this dd. Now, he is closing up his practice due to financial issues. I am on disability, so Medicare, so very limited as to whom I can see, and there are no other options near me. I cannot go to someone far away, bc I cannot physically handle it, and bc my sleep/wake cycle is so messed up, I am not awake early enough to go anywhere far. I am going to be going to Florida for a week in January to visit family, and they are really looking forward to it. I am, but I'm also really worried about it for a ton of reasons. It's all paid for by family and church family, so there isn't any worry about that, but I do feel bad that I never have money for anything anymore, and am a drain on everyone...and they are running out of the ability to help, too, so when that happens I have no idea what I am going to do...and I never have energy, so I barely see anyone....I am amazed that I even have any friends left, bc i am not able to be much of a friend at all anymore. It looks like I am going to be alone for Christmas, though, which is really depressing....was alone for Thanksgiving and it sucked...will probably be alone for New Year's too....actually the main reasons that I have not ended my life are that I am a Christian and also my niece is looking forward to seeing me in Florida....after that, something has to get better,though, or I really don't know how I am going to keep going on like this. Sorry, I know this is a depressing post and I have not been on these boards for long....so haven't really earned the rt to dump on everyone, but am really feeling hopeless rt now...even my counselor hasn't been seeming to understand lately....she just wants to push drugs on me (& they make me worse)...and she hasn't been available late enough lately, either (meaning early evenings), so I am feeling a lack of connection....I think this is rambling...sorry, I am pretty foggy rt now, too.