Really need advice

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by btrekker, Jun 5, 2008.

  1. btrekker

    btrekker New Member

    I am pretty new here and you all sound wonderful. I am in a bad place right now and will try to get to the point without going through all the background leading to this. I has been extremely difficult.

    I was so fulfilled living my dream, which might not be much to a lot of people. I married my high school sweetheart and we had 2 wonderful children and I was blessed to be able to stay home and raise them.

    What we had was good, genuinely good not saying that we didn't walk through the fire on some occasions. We had been married 20+ years. I began getting ill and was terrified, as my mom was so very ill, you name it

    she had it and lived in chronic pain 24-7 for over 20 years and I was the child she took it out on. I was blind sided when I found out that my husband started having an affair with a coworker 15 years younger and healthy!

    There was so much trauma after trauma that lasted for a very long time. He abandoned me and our children who were 12 and 15 years of age. Both went into deep depressions, one suicidal.

    He had nothing to do with them for over a year and then next to nothing. I had them 24-7 and dealing with this disease , which after finally being diagnosed became very severe.

    My parents had recently passed away and my only brother was diagnosed and passed away during the divorce. It was a long horrible divorce where I was badly represented, but didn't have the money or energy to fight him.

    My doctors at the time said that if I didn't stop pushing myself so hard that I was literally going to kill myself but you can understand as moms my children were my priority. My goal was to give them the most normal life I could and get them graduated and on their own and I did it but paid heavily.

    I had lost everything and was on my own. He was able to stop even my support and I had 4 months to have surgery for tumors and had nowhere to go, as I would not be a burden on my friends.

    My daughter who had just turned 20 and had just started being on her own in a different state was my angel of mercy and took me in.

    So I had to leave my beloved doctor and friends and it was only by the grace of God that we made it and now she is finally able to be on her own and I live on SSI, but no car and I don't know anyone, as it is a small town on the Oregon coast. I also suffer from anxiety and depression.

    This is what I really need some help on. No one knows but God what I go through each day and I am flailing. My children are everything to me.

    My son went on through college, married and is a doctor of Optometry. We were all so very close during those times, but even though his dad was so very cruel to me and them he was constantly trying to have a relationship with his dad.

    He has been influenced by his dad ( which he is very good at) and sees me as this weak, overly emotional person who can't get her life together.

    He has even cut me out of his life for periods of times for trying to talk to him about his dad. But I still am always there for him, am I an idiot???

    My daughter is the one who has built a fortress around herself and is and will have self esteem issues because of her dad. She was only 12 and at such a fragile age and really needed affirmation from her dad.

    She didn't go to college, but sacrificed a lot for me. But now for awhile she is good about taking me to the doctor and to the ER when needed. But she must have so much repressed anger and resentment, which is understandable that she has really closed herself off to me and does things that really are hurtful.

    Such as at times when I am really sick and bedridden for weeks at a time with hardly any food the garbage stinking she pops in for just a minute and is gone.

    And will laugh and tease me because I get things mixed up or can't remember how to do things and can't even touch me. I rarely get a hug from her and never have human touch and it hurts.

    She just gets upset and says I take things too personal. I am really worried about both of them because, as our therapist warned me that they would have a lot of issues in their lives due to all that they went through.

    And I feel guilty with how I feel since my daughter was there for me. But I am at the end of myself and in my head I feel like if I only d**d ( it's hard to even say it) that in the long run they would be better off. Let me clarify that suicide is NOT an option.

    This may sound horrible but I am in a place where I can't live and I can't die and it's torment. I don't know what to do???

    I try to get them to understand that others with Fibro are going through the same things I am and they have spouses and family etc.

    They aren't interested and basically say, " here you go again!" I have no one to talk too and I really need some help and support.
  2. btrekker

    btrekker New Member

    Thank you for your reply. I couldn't sleep so checked the board. It was so nice to know that someone was out there.

    I have had therapy before I moved here and had a great therapist who me walk through a lot. Unfortunately now since I am on SSI I have to go to the county. I tried and you have to see their PTs for medication.

    They took me off what I was on which helped and therapists come and go so quickly that I saw 2-4 in a couple of months.

    I really started spiraling so I finally got my new doctor to take care of those meds also.

    Unfortunately, I can't find a antidepressant that really helps.

    In retrospect I wish I would have done a lot of things differently. Been more aggressive and taken my ex back to court. I guess taken back control.

    I did always, always put my kids first, always trying to do " the right" thing. but now I can see by not taking care of me and having a life of my own before I got so severe I am paying the price.

    Now I just am so broken down mentally, emotionally, and physically I just don't have the energy. Stress just goes right to my body.

    Wow, I wish life afforded you a few replays...
  3. gws

    gws New Member

    i am sorry to hear of the struggles you are going through,
    please know that everyone here on this board knows exactly what you are feeling.
    your story sounds similar to mine in so many ways, and there are days i too, feel like i have had enough.

    please come here as often as you can, there are numerous people with tons of info on everything you are going through.

    i will keep you in my prayers and thoughts, try and remain strong as best you can

    we are all here for you

  4. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    Sorry, you are having and have had such a rough time. I wish I could offer you some great advice but can't. I can relate in some ways as to how you feel.

    Its a long story but I have been through a lot with my family, mainly children, I have a lot of guilt, anxiety /depression and wake up each day with dread, fear and worry. As the fibro isn't enough, then add all the extra to it.

    Remeber you can't help being ill, who would choice this. Your children are on their own now and have their own lives, they are still young and want to live for themselves. They don't love you any less because of your illness or what each of you have been through, they just want to live their lives and at that age , as I was myself , they can be shelfish .

    You have done your best, so stop beating yourself up and try to live for you the best you can.

    Can you get help thru Social Services to have someone come in and help you with your chores etc.?

    Even with this disease you can make it on your own and start thinking of you.

    If I didn't go through this each day I could never understand it , so I have given up expecting anyone else to.

    I will share my story with you in another post if you are interested. Wish I could be of more help. We are here for you. You are a strong person and you can make it even though its so hard.

    God BLess,

  5. shaz73

    shaz73 New Member

    I can't really add anything new to the replies that you have already received. But I can offer you hugs and prayers that your situation can change for the better.

    Some form of therapy would certainly help, as it has helped me over the years. Everyone's experiences are different but I know that all of us on this board must have been in similiar situations at some time in their lives.

    Are there any social groups or organizations that you could join? You probably dont feel like getting involved with anything like that at the moment, but the isolation of being unwell can be very destructive and not helpful in recovery. Since I started attending my local church this year I have felt much more connected to a community and find my faith a real source of comfort - although I wonder just what God is up to at times......!

    Take care of yourself,

  6. momof27

    momof27 New Member



  7. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    I am so sorry that you are feeling so loneome. You can always come here, we will always listen. I'll make a point of checking up on you every day. I know it is so hard when you are basically bedridden to get anything done. Maybe you could ask your daughter to come over like once a month to help you out,clean up your place for you, that does not sound like too much to ask. But then, I know, getting our kids to help is like pulling teeth, they don't want to. Kids can be so selfish. I know, I have 7 kids!

    Honey, you do need to get some theraphy. And some type of antidepresant. There has to be one you can take. I take Effexor, it helps me a great deal. I could not function without it. Before I started the Effexor, I was a mess, crying constantly. It was awful. That was about 7 years ago, I've been on Effexor ever since. It's my little miracle pill, haha!

    I really hope you get to feeling better. Just know we are here for you and we do care about you!

    I'll be praying for you!

  8. btrekker

    btrekker New Member

    Gratgran I would really love to hear your story if you wouldn't mind posting it. Thank you so much for the replies.

    I do read, pray, and give a lot of thought to each one. I have really been seeking God and doing a lot of retrospecting and doing better for now.

    Thank you all again.
  9. rickj44

    rickj44 Member

    I am so sorry for all your hurt>> But its time for you to leave the passed behind.. You can not change>> and stop beating yourself up over it.

    What has happened has happened... and now its time to look after number one, and thats " YOU" Yes YOU" Good Mothers like yourself always put there kids ahead of themselves.. My wife does this and always have..but she is healthy.. there is a difference>

    You need to look after yourself..You need to find and support group and surround yourself with people that care/

    You cannot change your children's thoughts about you and this illness. that will only come in time as this get older.

    I have a son that doesn't ask or care what i have..As a matter a fact my daughter don't either.
    They take what they can from me. My daughter is starting to show a bit of compassion, as she is getting older, but strangely, we talk more on the internet then in person.

    With your daughter you are looking for something thats not there., but it doesn't mean it wont be there in the future. As people get older they change.

    Why are you expecting a reaction from her and when you dont get it.. it knocks you down.

    I am sorry that you are depending on others so much, i am not trying to be hard on you but you really really need to surround yourself with people that care.


    [This Message was Edited on 06/08/2008]
  10. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    What Rick posted made lots of sense! You do need to let go of the past and take care of yourself. Your kids have their own lives and you did a great job raising them. Now you need to go out and make a few friends for yourself, and well, just a life for yourself in general. You can do it!

    Take Care and I'm still praying for you!

  11. lvjesus

    lvjesus Member

    I have to agree with the others that said to make friends. I know it might be very hard in your situation. There is a list of support groups here on the website (click on support groups at the top of the page) and maybe you can find something. If you are able to get out to church, I would really recommend it. I always go no matter how I feel (of course I can get out of bed but feel like something someone tracked into the house on the bottom of their shoe sometimes) and I almost always feel better after. I love the singing!

    God never will leave you or forsake you and I know it is hard to imagine sometimes but He loves you more than you can imagine. The way you feel for your children? He feels like that about you. One of my favorite versus is in Psalms. It says that the God that watches over you will not slumber. Don't you love that? God is never sleeping, He is always watching over you.

    God Bless, keep the faith and keep up the posts.