I am pretty new here and you all sound wonderful. I am in a bad place right now and will try to get to the point without going through all the background leading to this. I has been extremely difficult. I was so fulfilled living my dream, which might not be much to a lot of people. I married my high school sweetheart and we had 2 wonderful children and I was blessed to be able to stay home and raise them. What we had was good, genuinely good not saying that we didn't walk through the fire on some occasions. We had been married 20+ years. I began getting ill and was terrified, as my mom was so very ill, you name it she had it and lived in chronic pain 24-7 for over 20 years and I was the child she took it out on. I was blind sided when I found out that my husband started having an affair with a coworker 15 years younger and healthy! There was so much trauma after trauma that lasted for a very long time. He abandoned me and our children who were 12 and 15 years of age. Both went into deep depressions, one suicidal. He had nothing to do with them for over a year and then next to nothing. I had them 24-7 and dealing with this disease , which after finally being diagnosed became very severe. My parents had recently passed away and my only brother was diagnosed and passed away during the divorce. It was a long horrible divorce where I was badly represented, but didn't have the money or energy to fight him. My doctors at the time said that if I didn't stop pushing myself so hard that I was literally going to kill myself but you can understand as moms my children were my priority. My goal was to give them the most normal life I could and get them graduated and on their own and I did it but paid heavily. I had lost everything and was on my own. He was able to stop even my support and I had 4 months to have surgery for tumors and had nowhere to go, as I would not be a burden on my friends. My daughter who had just turned 20 and had just started being on her own in a different state was my angel of mercy and took me in. So I had to leave my beloved doctor and friends and it was only by the grace of God that we made it and now she is finally able to be on her own and I live on SSI, but no car and I don't know anyone, as it is a small town on the Oregon coast. I also suffer from anxiety and depression. This is what I really need some help on. No one knows but God what I go through each day and I am flailing. My children are everything to me. My son went on through college, married and is a doctor of Optometry. We were all so very close during those times, but even though his dad was so very cruel to me and them he was constantly trying to have a relationship with his dad. He has been influenced by his dad ( which he is very good at) and sees me as this weak, overly emotional person who can't get her life together. He has even cut me out of his life for periods of times for trying to talk to him about his dad. But I still am always there for him, am I an idiot??? My daughter is the one who has built a fortress around herself and is and will have self esteem issues because of her dad. She was only 12 and at such a fragile age and really needed affirmation from her dad. She didn't go to college, but sacrificed a lot for me. But now for awhile she is good about taking me to the doctor and to the ER when needed. But she must have so much repressed anger and resentment, which is understandable that she has really closed herself off to me and does things that really are hurtful. Such as at times when I am really sick and bedridden for weeks at a time with hardly any food the garbage stinking she pops in for just a minute and is gone. And will laugh and tease me because I get things mixed up or can't remember how to do things and can't even touch me. I rarely get a hug from her and never have human touch and it hurts. She just gets upset and says I take things too personal. I am really worried about both of them because, as our therapist warned me that they would have a lot of issues in their lives due to all that they went through. And I feel guilty with how I feel since my daughter was there for me. But I am at the end of myself and in my head I feel like if I only d**d ( it's hard to even say it) that in the long run they would be better off. Let me clarify that suicide is NOT an option. This may sound horrible but I am in a place where I can't live and I can't die and it's torment. I don't know what to do??? I try to get them to understand that others with Fibro are going through the same things I am and they have spouses and family etc. They aren't interested and basically say, " here you go again!" I have no one to talk too and I really need some help and support.