really need to talk to someone...

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by benalliesmom, Mar 6, 2007.

  1. benalliesmom

    benalliesmom New Member

    I haven't been on the board for a long while, but now I can't think of where else someone will understand me. I was almost in an accident today. I was driving,(alone) (something I have had to slow way down on)in the left lane of a 4 lane highway. the car on my right pulls over and almost takes out my passenger side of my van. I was right beside her, if she would have looked out her window, she would have seen the area right in front of my passenger door. That's how close. I swerved left and honked. I was off the road, and she didn't stop! I also hit the brakes at the same time. We didn't hit, but I wanted you to know how close it was. I am not a fraidy cat or anything, and things usually don't get to me badly, but I am still shaking and afraid. Let me tell you why... When, in that moment, I saw her and KNEW we were going to hit, I didn't think about me or my kids, or my husband. My life didn't flash before my eyes, I didn't see angels or anything. BUT I did think of that woman in that car. Not angrily, but sad. I thought she was going to be hurt. A little abnormal,but nice, right. But as I was explaining it to my husband when I got home, I realized that I felt a thrill for myself at that very moment, also. I wanted to do it over and hit her at 65 mph and not be in this living hell anymore. I am still crying over 5 hours after, because I missed my chance. I know that sounds really bad, and please believe me when I say I am NOT suicidal. I am just in a bad low right now and hurting and feeling like I'm not normal. I have noone to listen, because I don't want to burden them and I have already lost all my friends. The only ones left are family and some of them don't believe that I can't "fix" this or "get over it" or "just keep moving and it'll get better.
    Sorry to be so long, but am really weirded out by my state of mind.
    Thanks & peace be with you
  2. blkkat

    blkkat New Member

    I DO UNDERSTAND ! THIS DD REALLY SUCKS! THIS SITE IS REALLY THE ONLY REASON I EVEN GET UP EACH DAY.I HAVE ALOT OF BAD DAYS ALSO WHERE ALL I DO IS CRY. NOT BECAUSE I FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF BUT CAUSE I REALLY HURT! I DO GET WHAT YOU MEANT ABOUT YOU MISSED OUT ON YOUR TIME YOU COULD OF GOT OUT OF ALL THIS PAIN. BUT DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART YOUR GLAD YOUR HERE CAUSE YOUD MISS OUT ON ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU EVEN IF WERE STILL HURTING. WHEN ALL I DID WAS THINK ABOUT LEAVING I ASKED MY DR TO GO ON PROZAC , I DONT THINK THAT WAY VERY MUCH BUT IT IS STILL IN THE BACK OF MY MIND ON THOSE REALLY BAD DAYS, BUT LIKE YOU SAID ID NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT MYSELF BUT IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE OUT OF THIS PAIN AS YOU SAY. REMEMBER WERE HERE FOR YOU NITE OR DAY ,YOU HAVE US , WE CARE AND WE DO GET IT! GOD BLESS -YOUR NEW FRIEND BLKKAT
    [This Message was Edited on 03/06/2007]
  3. abbylee

    abbylee New Member

    I'm not suicidal either, but I have wanted to die for years. Not necessarily in a car accident, but in some way that's quick and painless. I'm tired of pain, and tired of this life.

    I'm 56 years old and have suffered since I was 12. As far as I'm concerned, that's long enough.

    But I am a Christian, and my belief is that the Lord frowns on folks who commit suicide. For that reason and that reason only, I would never take my own life. But when it's over, it will be a relief to me. It has to be better than this.

    So don't feel bad about feeling this way. And don't be weirded out. I see nothing abnormal about someone who is sick and in constant pain to want to die from time to time.

    Accept your feelings as just another part of fms and I'm sure you'll feel better soon. We do have our "good" days, when the furtherest thing from our minds is wanting to die. And since this is the first time this has happened to you, it may never happen again.

    abbylee

  4. clerty

    clerty New Member

    Hi

    Yes I am on an SSRI tablet now because of the stress last week I told my husband I wanted to die and I really wanted to I would be happy just to drif away to sleep and not wake up BUT
  5. clerty

    clerty New Member

    is that being selfish?
  6. LeftCoast

    LeftCoast New Member

    I understand. I have had a couple of incedences in my van in the last few months where I have thought the same thing. Later(weeks) I thought to myself, "ok,good thing you didn't". But then that feeling again. It comes and goes but if it weren't for the kids I don't know sometimes.

    I'm new to this message board thing but am very grateful to have found this site. I too am down in the friends and supportive family catagory. Already I am overwhelmed at how much we all have in common here. I hope it consoles you and lifts you up as much as it has me. Take care and try to pamper yourself a little at this time.
    [This Message was Edited on 03/09/2007]
  7. benalliesmom

    benalliesmom New Member

    Thank you so much for telling me I'm not alone. That means so much. I feel better that I've talked about this. I think I'm going to start coming back here and talking again. I feel I really need this site. It is really a Godsend...

    Peace & Love,
    Vicki
  8. footballmom

    footballmom New Member

    I feel the same way somnetimes too. Just shoot me and put me out of my misery......but then again I think of my husband and children and say all this pain is worth it to get to be with them.


    Peasceful thoughts to everyone today.

    Tess
  9. O2blkHIM

    O2blkHIM New Member

    Please seek some professional advice. I have been in your shoes, where I did not want to go another day living like this, and I did not consider myself suicidal either. But that's the lie we tell ourselves. Please, go talk to a counselor and get some professional help.
  10. olelefty

    olelefty New Member

    Hi, I'm new to message boards so please bear w/ me. I'm not new to FM though. I too feel like I wish I were out of here. But I'm not planning or dwelling on suicide. I am lonely and feel like I don't have any friends left. I guess what I'm trying to say is thank God you missed your chance! I recently took a friends offer and began going to church and somehow prayer does help. It helps keep my thinking straight anyhow, as of yet not so much help w/ pain and disability troubles. Please don't take me as a bible thumper, but for me anyway, being able to " tell it all" at least in prayer has a relaxing effect and the fellowship of the other people attending services has been great for me. If I had read my own posting here 3 monthes ago I would have thought what BS! But for me anyway this much overlooked resource has helped greatly when I did it w/ an open mind.
    Olelefty
  11. Shalala

    Shalala New Member

    ((((((((( hugs ))))))))) That is very frightening.

    I am very nervous to drive. I try to avoid really busy areas (esp interstates). There are too many nutsy drivers out there and my responses are really slowed down. I am dreading going to this sleep clinic because it is out of my driving comfort zone. No one but US understands this.
  12. mujuer

    mujuer New Member

    I am right where you are right now myself. The pain is so bad that I just want to lay down at night and have the good lord take me. I told my husband the other night that this not living for me. I have no life whatsoever. I have had a flare for seven months now and the last month there have been no good days. I feel your pain.
  13. meditationlotus

    meditationlotus New Member

    And I love you, even though I don't know you.

    It is so easy to live life when things are good, but boy when we suffer and we take responsiblity for our suffering by doing everything under the sun to get well, with only minimal improvement, it is really tough. We lose our friends. They don't understand. (My family has always had a bad habit of blaming me for everything, so there is very little compassions there.)

    And yes, there have been times, such as yours, when I wished to die and be out of the constraints of this body.

    I try to think of people who are homeless and have this illness. People who are living in even worse hell. Maybe they are in prison, innocent or not, and now have CFS/FM. They suffer terrible abuse in that environment and probably have zero medical care.

    Sometimes seeing that others are suffering more than me helps me, sometimes not.

    But, you will have better days. You will have days when you will thankful that the car didn't kill you. You will have days when you will be sure that God knows what he is doing and you will feel blessed.

    Love to you.
  14. benalliesmom

    benalliesmom New Member

    i thank each and everyone of you that cared enough to answer my need. I will talk to someone for counceling. And I will NOT stop praying. I know God has a reason for this, I just wish I knew what it was.....
    Thank you again,
    Vicki
  15. momof471

    momof471 New Member

    I feel the same sometimes. I wouldn't ever do anything to myself, I wouldn't hurt my kids and husband like that. Also, God will decide when my time is up, but sometimes I wish it was over. Acouple of weeks ago, more like four, my doctor put me on Xanax XR, at first it relaxed me, made me really tired, before you know it, I was thinking about ending things, luckily I had my wits about me and researched the medication. I quit taking it and about a week later, I felt that really horrible urge lift off of me. It was really scary. Its hard, the pain fatigue and the isolated feeling. This too shall pass. In God's time. You are not alone and my prayer's are with you.

    God Bless
  16. Mar19

    Mar19 New Member

    I hear you loud and clear, sweetie. I wouldn't pick a car wreck as my way out of here, but I have so many times just wished I could just lay down to sleep and wake up in Heaven. There just simply is no getting away from this pain.

    I'm a Christian and I really believe that God has a reason for everything ~ I have no idea what His reason is for me to be in such agony for so many years, but I do know that one day it will end. I just sometimes ~ a lot of times, wish that end would hurry up.

    I'll keep you (and me and the others) in my prayers. I have no real answer for you, except to say that I completely understand your desire to be released from this non-stop, horrendous pain.

    love 'n' hugz
    mar
  17. MsE

    MsE New Member

    What a horrible event! I would have been scared spitless!

    I doubt there is a person on this board who hasn't thought "life has become worthless, so why not leave?"

    But I really and truly believe there is a reason for all of this, and I think one of the major contributions made by people with these DD's is teaching, by example, what real living is all about.

    By "real living," I mean the getting up and going on in spite of it all kind of living. I mean the ability (most of the time) to see the glass half full instead of half empty. I mean the joy we take in a beautiful day, a day that isn't so painful or exhausting. I mean the joy we experience that comes when those we love really get it. Know what I mean?

    By hanging tough and doing our best, we are teaching bravery and stamina and love and appreciation for life and patience. Each and every one of us is, of necessity, a doggone good teacher!

    And that's a hard job, so if we have a "down" days occasionally, well big whoopee! You have every reason to be feeling as you do.
    Warm hugs to you, and I hope tomorrow is a "good" day!
    [This Message was Edited on 03/07/2007]
  18. jmq

    jmq New Member

    Yup...been there..I have to cross the street alot where I work in a busy traffic area...I considered stepping out in front of a bus a few times. I was so depressed that not even the thought of my husband, kids, or friends helped..I felt I was doing everyone a favor. THANK GOD, I shared my feelings and got help. I am now on Cymbalta and it did wonders. I still get very very blue..but I snap out of it after a good cry..or checking in on this board and knowing someone else has what I have...and many times worse.

    So my new friend, reach out, keep sharing these feelings and know, like I learned, YOU WOULD BE MISSED and we all have the journey together for a reason.

    jmq