Really Need Your Help With a Decision!!!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Heald, Apr 12, 2010.

  1. Heald

    Heald New Member

    Hi All! I'll try to make this as short as possible. I stopped work in June of 08. Everything came to a head one day at work and had to be rushed to the hospital. My daughter adopted a son who has grown (6 years) and started school last year. To help out, he is in a school in my area. She drops him in the morning, I feed him breakfast and put him on the bus. I also get him from the bus in the evening and keep him until she picks him up after work.

    I think the stress of it all is getting to me!!! Just having to say stop, don't do that is starting to stress me. I have to rest up some times before he gets here to ensure I have the energy. Well, I now do not have the energy to do things I would like to or need to. I already have a problem with sleep, so when I don't get the proper rest I am MUCH worse. By Friday, which is date nite with my husband, I am all spent out. LOL forget about house duty!

    My grandson is very active and may have some ADHD. She is having him tested. He is very smart, loving and all those things, but just impulsive. Anyway we are making sure he gets the help he needs while he is young. So, he may be going to a private school and my duty's may increase.

    Crying, I'm going to have to tell my daughter that I cannot help out as much and I need the courage to do this. Since I've been home, my quality of life had improved some, but now I'm going backwards.

    I just needed to talk with people that I knew would understand. It's getting to the place that the slightest bit of stress affects me. Any suggestions as to how to soften the blow, or just tell her what I just wrote to you??? LOL

  2. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    Hi GK,

    I understand what you are going thru. I used to watch all 3 of my grandkids. At that time I didnt realize the crash I was headed for. It started getting harder and harder to get thru the day.

    I think I knew that I needed to stop but kept pushing. My daughter finally said no more. It broke my heart and still does,but she was right.
    The biggest lesson I learned was that by continuing to push I ruined future opportunities with them.

    Now Im mostly housebound and rarely get to see them,or go to thier programs etc. Please just be honest with your daughter. I'm sure she will understand and want you to be able to enjoy quality time with your grandson. We like to think we are not replaceable and end up doing more harm to yourselves.

    Keep your reserves for fun with your grandson.

  3. Heald

    Heald New Member

    God Bless You for responding!!! You're right, and I know the answer, its just hard putting yourself first. You're right about pushing, the end result is just more pain and bed with no life. I was just approved by SSD last month after an appeal, and awaiting a workers comp decision from a hearing on last Monday. However, my body feels like its starting all over again.

    Thank you so much again for talking it through with me.

  4. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    You are so welcome!

    Yeah on getting approved for SSD. From what I know about workers comp,be careful if they know you babysit could backfire. You know the old "well if you can do that you can do this".

    One of the hardest things for me is putting myself first! Unfortunately we all know what happens if we don't. I get so tired of telling people I can't or I'm sick. It took along time to be somewhat ok with saying I will if I can.

    Your grandson will be so much happier to have you be a fun grandma then a I can't grandma! Mine don't even remember me sitting them,they just want me now too do things with them.

    Remember to pace yourself. The biggest lesson I learned is that pushing and crashing will led to just crashing...

    Hoping you didnt mean a flare is starting(body starting all over again).
    Take care
  5. kat211

    kat211 New Member

    First, congrats on the SSI.

    I am a single mom with a very active and willful young boy. I get exhausted just anticipating his arrival back home after school sometimes.

    I created a star system for him and it is working very well for both of us. He can earn 2 stars on weekdays, 1 for when he wakes up to 8:30am when he goes to school and 1 for after school until bedtime. He can earn 4 on the weekends, wake-up to 10, 10am - 1, 1 to 4, 4 to bedtime. Each star is worth a quarter. He cannot collect anything until he reaches 50 stars. The system continues when he is with his grandma or dad. We keep a calender on the fridge so he can track his progress.

    He only gets a star if he does what he is supposed to do without a fight. I also make sure he knows what is expected of him. I have also found that following a routine during the week really helps him stay on track. He also does better if he knows what to expect for the day and we don't deviate to much from what our plan is. I also make a point to schedule 'free time' for him everyday where he can do anything he wants.

    If you don't think you can carry on helping with your grandchild, tell your daughter the truth.
    My ex-mil helps with my son sometimes. If she can't, for whatever reason, she is straight forward with me and I hold no grudge. My child is my responsibility, no one else's. Be straight forward, open, and honest with your daughter and things will work themselves out.

    You cannot help anyone else unless you help yourself first. You must take care of yourself. There is a reason they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before assisting others.

    Take care of yourself.
  6. BluePetals

    BluePetals New Member

    I have 3 grandsons and they get off the school bus at my house. I love my grandkids more than anyone else in the world and they know it. But I am telling you they take all my energy, just thinking of them getting off the bus before they get off makes me tired. They are well behaved most of the time so the problem is not them it is me.

    When I tell my daughter "no" and that she needs to be here to get them right after work, she gets upset with me. I do not know how to tell her that I will literally drop if she does not get here soon after they arrive here. The most I can do is an hour and sometimes especially if I am in a flare I just lay in the bed and tell the boys to watch tv and come get me if they have any problems. Then when I can get up I give them a treat. Sometimes I even pay their mom to come get them early and I will give her 20 dollars to take them out for dinner. They are getting older so that makes me hopeful that it wont always be so difficult.

    Do put yourself first when you need to. I know it is difficult but my husband knows and my other children seem to understand my inability to be as active as before this fibromyalgia.

    That feeling of being so tired and not being able to lay down or take some meds to take the pain away is a terrible feeling. It is enough to put a person in a serious flare.

    Take care and never let the kids forget that you love them, you just have some limitations that others do not have.
  7. Heald

    Heald New Member

    Thanks for your suggestions. I did start the star system with a calendar on the frig and his mother has one on their frig. I told him this morning we would talk about earning money.

    His mother also noticed that he has to follow a routine as well and he likes knowing what comes next and what to expect. I'm working on his diet as well.
  8. Heald

    Heald New Member

    Thanks again! I'm talking to my daughter this evening. Pray my strength. I feel some relief already knowing I will get this off my mind.

    Check on me, LOL!
  9. wendysj

    wendysj New Member

    Hi Kat211,

    You are an AWESOME mom! I think what you created for you and your son is constructive and educational for your son. People generally want to baby their child for too long. (I'm not a mom so I'm not judging.) I had to "grow-up" much like your son. My single mom is the most inspirational person in my life. She had to talk to us like grown ups when we were very young. I learned early in life the importance of personal responsibility, selflessness, working hard equals since of pride and accomplishment, etc.

    There were hard times... Learning those lessons before 10 years old isn't easy. However, our family is still very, very close even now because we all pitched in for the good of our family. We have all made very good lives for ourselves. (Not rich and famous but none of us are below the poverty line anymore!)

    Single moms have a special place in my heart. I wish you and your son the very best in life.

  10. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    I don't think my daughter believes me about the pain I experience. I now have the sciatica that will flare up w/o notice on the right butt/upper leg. When it happens I can't move.

    I have the bursitis on the left shoulder.

    I am carrying my grandson, 21 pounds, down the steps from his bath. I do worry about that.

    Yet, I feel my muscles strengthening and I have lost weight that I wanted off.

    My problem is I babysit at her house so she doesn't have a long commute and the MIL was to also help but she is not consistent with her schedule so I have trouble getting my personal errands and housekeeping done.

    At my house, a mobile home, I am on one floor and it's easier.

    I am going to try to do this as long as I am able, but the overall pain is awful.

    The latest news from the doctor was degenerative disc in the lower back, besides the neck and some sclerosis and the arthritis is what has flared up from simple surgery in '08, I believe from the anesthesia.

    I had to quit work, won my w/c and am now qualified for SSD.

    But, as I said, I do not think my daughter believes me about the pain. I want to be able to babysit at my own house, on one floor.

    How many of us are babysitting or raising our grandkids and living with the pain and trying to help our children as best we can? I just love the bond I have formed with this grandson.
  11. Heald

    Heald New Member

    Thanks for responding! I can't imagine carrying around 21 pounds, please be careful. You said you don't think your daughter believes you, have you ever let her read some of the posts so that she can see that it is real? I think it is difficult for most people to understand that our pain is so different from pain they may know. I too deal with fibro and a lower back. I fell in 2000 on ice in the parking lot.

    I think my daughter thought since I'm not working, my pain level would be less and it would be different for me. When people see you smiling and doing things, they just think you are OK. They don't realize that we have to fight everyday to stay sane.

    I'm thankful that I was approved for disabiity on my appeal. I'm just waiting now for the Commission's latest decision on my rating and to start my checks back up. However, I'm still Blessed because they continue to pay for my meds and monthly pain doctor visit. I also have a wonderful husband that believes me!

    I'm so grateful to have found this site. God Bless You All!
  12. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    It does help having the little money from disability. My daughter now and then will slip me some gas money, but it should be more. It costs between 25-30 dollars each time I fill up.

    But, it is worth it all to see my grandson and the connection we have. I love him so much!

  13. butterflydream

    butterflydream New Member

    Hope all is going well with you and your grandson.
    Grandchildren are so precious.

    Possibly your husband can help out when you feel you need to rest.
    Good for your grandson to have such wonderful grandparents.
    Only you know how you feel with pain, pace yourself when needed and
    take care of You too.

    Wish you well
    gentle Hugs
  14. Heald

    Heald New Member

    Thanks for checking up on me. There hasn't been time available yet to talk with my daughter. She takes my grandson to speach theraphy twice a week after she gets off from work. I don't wanna talk when both of us are in stess mode.

    We have a meeting Monday with his school to discuss an IEP. His first year of school just hasn't been helpful. He learned so much more in preschool that prepared him for first grade, and now he had digressed. He's not being challenged so its coming out in his behavior. I've set in on his class several times and ended up helping to teach the kids that were not getting the help or attention. His teacher is not a very good manager. There is a kid on the floor nawing on the leg of a table and she says nothing! Several kids could not write their name; however, I do know that's there parents fault.

    Anyway lol, I'm just venting! My daughter is an excellent mother! He adopted him and got him home with her when he was three weeks old. He is now six years old. She has met with any and everyone should can think of. She has visited lots of private schools to find one suitable for him. She would sell her home if she had to for him. So when I see her fighting so hard for him to have the best, I can't help myself. I love him so much! He's not adopted to me!

    Let me stop! Thanks again for checking up on me, I really needed you(all). After the meeting on Monday, we'll find the time to talk.

    Oh, but wait, one last thing. My son and daughter inlaw have been married seven years and have not been able to concieve and they are looking into adoption. The live around the corner from me!!!!!
  15. Heald

    Heald New Member

    I told my daughter about the money part of the star system. He six years old and just learning about money, lol so it may work. Does your son have ADHD?