Related to perfection post---any alcoholism in family or other dy

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by tired42long, Oct 1, 2002.

  1. tired42long

    tired42long New Member

    Just wondered about the perfection thread...and any stressors in families we were raised with. I for one had (have) an alcoholic dad and it made our life chaos. I wonder how many others out there had such a lifestyle that made us into the perfectionistic "good girls or boys" or even trying to hide the dysfunction with perfection to the "outside world". It seems like way back, in trying to deal with our family life as a child, there was so much written about certain roles each child takes in the family...one may be the "clown", another the scapegoat, another takes on the caretaker role....etc. How many of us took on way to much early on, either emotionally or physically trying to play the saint and perfect person...both in deed and in being? I know I was on an emotional rollercoaster many, many years and wonder if this pattern just follows you into adulthood. There are so many questions why we might push ourselves to burnout, physical and emotional.Or mayby just to try and forget the pains of the past. Any input?
  2. tired42long

    tired42long New Member

    Just wondered about the perfection thread...and any stressors in families we were raised with. I for one had (have) an alcoholic dad and it made our life chaos. I wonder how many others out there had such a lifestyle that made us into the perfectionistic "good girls or boys" or even trying to hide the dysfunction with perfection to the "outside world". It seems like way back, in trying to deal with our family life as a child, there was so much written about certain roles each child takes in the family...one may be the "clown", another the scapegoat, another takes on the caretaker role....etc. How many of us took on way to much early on, either emotionally or physically trying to play the saint and perfect person...both in deed and in being? I know I was on an emotional rollercoaster many, many years and wonder if this pattern just follows you into adulthood. There are so many questions why we might push ourselves to burnout, physical and emotional.Or mayby just to try and forget the pains of the past. Any input?
  3. allhart

    allhart New Member

    both parents were acohloics i was and am the caregiver i would do the cleaning and would stay up until they went to bed to look the doors turn off lights and make sure the stove was turned off help them to there room when they were passed out eles where as a teenager i had tosend the bills and more then a couple of times retreive one from a bar, but of corse now they dont remember any of taht and im the lazy one whos wasted her life,sorry that ened up being as much as a vent as a ansewer
  4. Suz15

    Suz15 New Member

    Oh yeh, very prevalant in my family. Grandfather, Father, step father, various aunts and uncles, 1 of my brothers is an addict and my mother was a binge addict. I married two alcoholics.(present husband is an active member of AA) Im an active member of Alanon (hope this is ok to post)

    Im not sure about the roles I played, as a kid, ,,,I know it would depend on what was going on, in my life. I know now, when I try to ""play"" at a role,,,my FMS gets worse. You see, when I play at a role, I dont take care of myself. Dont excercise, dont take vitamins, dont eat right (too much or too little)and most importantly, I dont sleep well. So, I try real hard to just be me. It gets easier all the time.

    Make sense?

    Thanks for the post, curious about the responses.

    Hugs
    Suz

  5. cpalance

    cpalance New Member

    Must say I am right there with you. Had to answer this post, I come from a major dysfunctional family. Alcholism, incest, infidelity, you name it. My mother was the alcholic, and my brother says he is also. So what did they all do, become councelors. My brother, sister and mother all became councelors - not that there is anything wrong with seeing a councelor, but I ran the other way. Of course they are all perfect. My husband used to know when I would talk to my sister by the councelor lingo I would pickup. I was the caretaker always, also the youngest. I would say that perfectionism has got ahold of me, but I fight it. I am learning to let go and let someone else take responsibility for things. I do know that the stress certianly doesn't help this DD much.
    My 2 cents.
    Cindy
  6. klutzo

    klutzo New Member

    Both of my parents were alcoholics. Alcoholism is a serotonin-mediated illness just like FMS, and all the illnessess of low serotonin seem to run in families, so this is no surprise from a physical point of view. Psychologically, it would explain our tendency to be "on alert" and hypervigilant at all times, resulting in tight muscles and light sleep.
    I believe a study was done showing a huge % of FMSers come from alcoholic families, but I can't remember where I saw it, only that it was a long time ago.
    Klutzo
  7. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    my mother was an alcoholic and I truly think my father had a serious problem with alcohol himself!!! NOT a good way to live....bad memories,

    Love,
    Kady
  8. dd

    dd New Member

    My Dad was an abusive alcoholic all of my childhood years. I saw my Dad beat my Mom up and break both of her arms when I was 9 years old. I then had to care for my 6 week old sister because my Mom couldn't. Just sitting here typing and remembering all this is bringing tears to my eyes. My Dad was also a compulsive gambler and lost all of his paychecks on football games. I remember he and my Mom fighting over money all the time. I always hated it when the time of day came for my Dad to come home from work. I would sit out in the front yard and wait to see his white pick-up truck fly around the corner. If he missed the corner I knew he was drunk and that it was going to be a hell of a night ahead for all of us. I was only 6 at that time. When I was 9 I was taking care of my Mom, sister and brother. Not only taking care of them but I was making major decisions for my Mom. I told her to leave my Dad one night, in the middle of the night, when he was passed out cold. We packed our bags and walked to my Grandmother's house. My Dad came there the next day and proclaimed his love for her, like they all do, and he and my Grandfather got into it. My Dad almost killed my GF. He smashed thru the front door and flung my GF across the room. He landed so hard against the wall and the floor that he passed out. The cops were called and back then if the cops didn't see it happen they could do nothing about it. There are so many more stories like this but I would be typing all night.

    I was also embarrassed to have friends come to my home because my house was such a mess. I don't mean clutter everywhere either. We had rats crawling all over the stove and roaches that would fly into our hair. The build-up of grease on the stove was at least 2 inches thick. We also had a huge hole in our ceiling from my Dad falling thru it that was never fixed. I know that all this may sound trivial but to a 10 year old it was embarrassing. I would try to clean up but I would get yelled at. So, I kept my bedroom immaculate all the time. I think this is when my perfectionism started. I always made straight A's in school so that I could maybe get a "thata girl" but never did. I remember being the teacher's pet in school and that felt so good. I always strived to please and to be the perfect person. The perfect daughter, perfect friend, perfect sister, perfect student, perfect granddaughter...etc...I thought that since I could not change my Dad at least I could try to make myself perfect.

    When I was 11 I moved in with my grandparents to get out of my parent's house. I never got over the quilt of leaving my sister and brother in that abusive situation. When I moved in with my GP I ended up helping to take care of my GF who was dying of prostate cancer. When he died I took care of my GM. I always did everything for everyone else and never thought about myself. I am still that way to a fault.

    When I was 14 I was stalked and almost killed. The boy who had been stalking me came after me with a knife and cut my throat. He was eventually found and this whole thing went to trial. It was very devastating. I think that is when my panic attacks started.

    I have been in therapy for a while now, mainly because I was so depressed about getting this DD but now we are working on childhood issues. My psy doc thinks that I became such a perfectionist because everything in my childhood was so chaotic that I wanted everything to be perfect in my adult life. He also feel that since I was the caregiver at such an early life that I never had a real childhood for myself. I was burned out by the time I was 15. I always hid my home life from my friends. I wanted them to think that I was "normal". Even to this day I sugar coat everything that is wrong in my life. I was sick for 4 years before I even told my family and friends. No matter how tired or how much pain I was in I tried my best to hide it. I just kept pushing myself to be that perfect person that everyone was used to. I finally had to be honest and tell them because it was getting to be too much for me. I am still dealing with the guilt of not being able to be there all the time for everyone when they have problems.

    Just a note about my Dad...When I was in my late teens he did stop drinking and never drank again until the day he died 3 years ago. I did not have him when I was a young girl but we became the best of friends the last 12 years of his life. I miss him so much that it hurts. When I was a child I never heard the words "I Love You" from him. But after we became close we never left each other without saying those 3 precious words. I miss my Daddy's hugs!! Another thing too that makes me feel really good inside is that my Dad always bragged to all his friends about his Debbie. Debbie this and Debbie that. I may not have been the apple of his eye when I was a child but I was when he died.

    So sorry for rambling!

    Debbie
  9. Sunshyne1027

    Sunshyne1027 New Member

    I was raised I suppose with a dysfuncional family. Not alcholism, but major depression, and mental disordors run rampant within my family. My parents lacked coping skills also. It pushed me to be a perfectionist in ways.

    Me--I have depression, but it didnt really hit hard until I was diagnosed with FM. None of my other family members have been diagnosed, or have the symptoms of Fibro.

    But then I am the one that took it all, carried all the problems and grief on my shoulders, and within my heart. I also grew up in poverty.

    Its all hard to talk about.
  10. Carlacat

    Carlacat New Member

    My dad is a drinker and both my brothers are too. My mother was a perfect and honest saint. She never smoked or drank. I guess I took after her(the drinking part that is). She was a pure christian woman and God rest her soul...she is very much missed. Our family gathering(holidays.etc..) always has to have alcohol involved. I'm glad I took after my mother.
    Carla
  11. pepper

    pepper New Member

    but there is a direct co-relation between alcoholic parents and candida. When I brought my son to the doctor of preventive medicine, he read his symptoms then asked if there was any alcoholism in my son's background (The answer was Yes - his dad (my ex) and 3 out of 4 grandparents, including my dad. He said that he would be surprised if he DIDN'T have candida. The doc's own dad was an alcoholic and the doc has struggled with candida his whole life.

    I'm sure most of us are loaded with candida and it all ties in together.
    Pepper
  12. Gardengal

    Gardengal New Member

    You're absolutely right about the perfectionist personality. I also came from a dysfunctional family - severely depressed mother, a father too messed up to sum it up in a word or two, etc, etc. I had to take care of my little sister from a young age, which she deeply resented at the time (can't blame her) and when I was in high school, my dad often came to take me out of school early to watch over my mother so she would not kill herself at home while he was at work.

    So, of course now I have a disease where I have to rest a lot some days so I can take care of my family after school. Ironic, huh, that I now have to confront my mother's illness via my own.

    I has taken me about 42 years to figure out that "perfect" is an oxymoron. Take care everyone - Amy
  13. Dara

    Dara New Member

    as I child I was the one who tried to smoothe things out between everyone and make everything run on an even keel. I don't remember ever really being a kid, almost as if I was born into the family to take care of everyone else. I was the youngest of five and it was left up to me to take care of both my Mom and Dad. My Father was the alcoholic and my Mom was sick a lot. This role has followed me through life but finally I've realized I can not fix everything and everybody. I has school phobia because I didn't want to be away from home in case something happened. I was doing the laundry, cooking , cleaning, everything before I was even in the 2nd or 3rd grade. I remember taking a chair outside to stand on so I could reach the clothesline to hang up the clothes. I had a sister three years older then me and she never did a thing to help out at home. I've always found this strange as to why everyone expected me to do it. It is very very said because I feel that I have lost a childhood and the freedom that most people are allowed to have. I always had the dream of moving from my birthplace and living on the east coast, New York City to be exact, here I am 56 years old and feel so very very cheated. Back then there were no school counselors to look for domestic problems at home so we all just slipped through the cracks.

    Dara
  14. garlinbarb

    garlinbarb New Member

    I guess I have to say me too! My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was mentally ill. Sometimes I think my dad turned to alcohol in order to numb himself to her abuse.I'm the oldest and only girl so with both parents in default, it was up to me to raise my brothers.

    Some people don't need to hav children!

    My dad abandoned us really, with a crazy mean woman for us to deal with. He worked out of town as much as he could, gone for weeks at a time. I always had mixed feelings when he came home.

    I'm still the caregiver.....but have learned to care for me too.I wasted a lot of years thinking that if I was good enough, someone would care for me too.All I can say is of course it didn't work out!

    Barb













    Brb