response to slapping your man

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by wangotango, Jul 23, 2006.

  1. wangotango

    wangotango New Member

    hey all: i am a man on the board but, looking back on my life there were many time i did need a good slappin.
    i was raised by a very abusive step mom (beating's, sexual and emotional type abuse) so i had a bad outlook on women and relationships. i never hit a women but i was very intense mind gamer.
    after several failed marriages i became ill in dec 2000 and had just gotten divorced. so i made a deal with myself and someone a little higher up that i would use my sick time to work on my own self instead of jumping back into a relationship and just blaming her for my faults.
    the 1st thing i did was make a list of all the women i had hurt even if it was a small wound and i sent a letter of called them and apologized to them. even tho some of them had done me wrong it did not excuse me from what i did to them (taking responsible for my actions). this lifted a great burden off of me and made me want to take it further.
    so i went to counsling and read self help books keep a journal on my feelings then and now. long story shorter, it has been 6 years and i am still single this time by choice, all the anger and get even thinking are all gone and replaced by a attitude of gratidude and helping others with no expectations of a pay back.
    it has also helped me keep it togather up stairs during this c.f.s. days.
    kind of funny, a lot of women that want to go out with me tell me i am using my disease and my childhood as an excuse to stay in a safe zone and avoid any pain. but they end up getting angry and saying bad things to me. thats not it at all, i have found no one who understands why i cant go to the pool with them after i hae told them i have been on the couch for 2 days and cant hardley get up.
    any way be well all live long and prosper !
    bill m
  2. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    Bill,Thank all those women that help you get to the point of who you are today.
    A much wiser and kinder person.It sounds like you have become the kind of man that women want now.Someone who looks inside and changes the bad to good for themselfs.You have grown up.
    The next time you get invited to the pool by a nice lady and your to tired, invite her over for a movie and some takeout.You will fine someone who will understand maybe someone whos grown up to.Good luck thanks for shareing
  3. ckball

    ckball New Member

    The first step in solving a problem is to admit it is a problem.

    I have had my share, some should apologize to me and some I owe one.

    I too have chosen to be alone, since 1994. I just do not have the energy to maintain a healthy relationship.

    The last man in my life was the love of my life but he wouldn't deal with his issues and I wasn't going to live the life my mother did, spent her life with a alcoholic.

    I knew I deserved better for myself, so I walked away. We still saw each other off and on, usually when we needed help. He has had a rough time, ended up losing both parents in 6 months, ended up homeless, sleeping on the river bank, and still "has a few beers".

    He called me about 6 months ago just to see how I was doing and he is working, living in a rented room.It is so sad. He was a great person when he was sober. He was sober when we met and started having a beer or 2 then 3 years later was full blown.

    I would like to have a freind just to go to a movie or dinner, but nothing serious. I enjoy my company and like being alone most of the time. But I am never really alone because I have my girls, see my profile.They are the love of my life now.

    I agree with the others, if someone asks you out, offer movie and snacks at your or her place. It is hard to find someone that understand us and our energy levels.

    That is cool you play music. That is the one thing I do not have a talent for. I love rock, alternative but no country or rap. I'm just an ole hippie,lol.

    I am a big on Pink Floyd, Alan Parsons is my fav. I also like mellow or up lifting instrumentals depending on my mood.

    Welcome to the board, I hope you visit often. Good luck with getting back on the road to better health.I admire EMT's, nursing etc. My best freind of 30 years is a nurse and what they have to do is so admirable.

    Sorry I went on so much, just wanted you to know you are not alone in the way you feel. Carla


  4. TAM

    TAM New Member

    HI Bill M,

    Let me start by saying congradulations, you did what needed to be done by helping yourself to become a better person by helping others and apologizing for your past mistakes even though i'm sure some of those women owed you an apology as well at least you did the right thing.

    And as far as the women who want to date the ones that tell you that they think your using your disease and childhood for an excuse to stay in a safe zone, well your better off doing what you are and not dating them they sound to negative, and you have made your life positive you don't need someone bringing you down. I totally understand why you haven't dated its very hard to find a person who is understanding of the pain your going threw.

    The old saying is true don't judge a person until you have walked a mile or two in there shoes. If they went threw the same pain as you do daily they sure would understand. One day i'm sure you'll find someone who is understanding and positive like you are now.

    I'm glad you posted this message i'm sure it will help others who were dealing with the same type of problems. I'm so happy that you turned all the negatives in your life to positives, your a wonderful person don't ever forget that. I wish you better health and lots of happiness.

    Take Care, Tammy.
  5. JLH

    JLH New Member

    Bill, I started out feeling so sad reading your post. I am so sorry that you had to be raised by an abusive stepmother. There is absolutely no excuse in the world good enough to justify abuse of any kind--emotional, physical, or sexual. It's awful that nobody was able to take you away from these circumstances.

    I'm certain that is where your bad outlook on women and relationships came from. Thankfully, you never hit a woman, but with the intense mind games, some might have wished you had, so they could have hit back! (I'm NOT serious about some wishing you had.) But, I am so glad that you realized that the mind games are a form of emotional abuse, and have given all of this up.

    Then, I read your bio. My condolences on the loss of a daughter. I can not imagine losing one of my children. Oh what strength it must take to survive such a tradgey, even though the heartache will live forever. I am so glad your other daughter is healthy, ..... and now has a healthier Dad! (Maybe not healthier physically ... but emotionally.)

    My sadness went away when I read on to learn that you are taking the route to help yourself, which shows that you are not going to let your upbringing get the best of you. You are a smart man, and a handsome one, too, I might add!!! No wonder so many women want to go out with you!!! LOL

    Seriously though, I am sure that counseling has saved your own sanity as well as all of the other steps you have taken. You are on the right path to change what you don't like about yourself. As someone else said, the first step is admitting to yourself what is wrong and realizing that you need to change to grow and better yourself.

    It sounds like you have made a complete turnaround ... that all the anger and get-even thinking are all gone and replaced by a attitude of gratidude and helping others with no expectations of a pay back. How wonderful! It sounds as if you've come a long way, baby!!! How great!

    I imagine that any relationship which you would enter into now would turn out just fine; however, if "playing it safe" (like the women are telling you) is what makes you happy and comfortable, then more power to you. You have to live your own life however it is most comfortable for you. It's just too bad if other people don't understand.

    Maybe you shouldn't go into your childhood, past marriages, and illness with new women you meet, unless you get serioius about them. Of course, I guess you do have to tell them that you are on disability now and are unable to do everyday things; you have your good days and bad days; and have to plan all of your outings on your "good" days--so some of them may be "spur-of-the-moment" events.

    When the right woman comes along, understands your past, and your current disabilities, you just might be willing to give the relationship thing another try.

    You know, though, I don't think others will ever "really" understand our illnesses (fibro and cfs). No matter how much you explain, etc., it's hard for them to fully believe when we look "OK" on the outside. I know, I have been married for 35 years, and my husband still doesn't have a clue about how I really feel.

    Hope you one day feel well enough to tackle nursing school. I think you would now have the compassion that being a nurse requires. I have a lot of people in my family in the medical field--it's a truly rewarding profession for the right persons.

    Have a good week!!!

    Big hugs,
    Janet

  6. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    said. I'd only add, IF you decide to start seriously dating don't look past the large pool of ladies who share your dd's! Many have been abandoned by husbands, family and friends..do understand the difficulties of living with a chronic pain condition and would LOVE some one else who also does. Just a thought. Have a good day! Bambi
  7. wangotango

    wangotango New Member

    i understand what life is like with pain. i also have cluster headaches and the good ole joint and muscle pain from the chronic fatigue. it is very frustrating and i have learned to micro manage my time on my good days so when i am bed ridden the must do things are done.
    plus i am used to helping and taking care of the chronic and terminal type of patients. that came from 7 years of working in the emergency room and being team leader for the night shift trauma activation team.
    be well bill

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