It's now 2:30am in the morning. I am being attacked by my fear again.It's been torturing me for hours since I go to bed. I tried to stay calm, and prayed...of course it didn't work as usual. Then i took out the last pill of Xanax (I saved it for "emergency"). Then the pill dropped to the floor and I could not find it again. I knelt down and crawled on the floor to search for it like a dog/a beggar. I couldn't find it....... Flashbacks of bad memories came and I started to wonder, how long do I have to stay in this situation?? I've been facing (or running away) from this nightmare for almost 13 years. What is the meaning of my life? I don't want to give up but everytime I keep experiencing these involuntary torture, I feel worse than helpless and horror. I post this message on Worship board and Depression board. I hope to get some spiritual and practical advices from you. Or anyone can share experience would be appreciated.