SAYING NO....AND MEANING IT...always been a challenge for me

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Butterfly_of_grace, Sep 19, 2006.

  1. Butterfly_of_grace

    Butterfly_of_grace New Member

    Hey again everyone.
    I have mentioned I started a new job almost two weeks ago. Since the first interview I have had a "gutt' feeling about the whole job but I just have been going with the flow...until the other day. I needed to say "no" and it was so hard for me. Ill find out today if I still have a job. I may have to look elsewhere once again which will stink.

    The first interview was entirely different than the second; hours, pay etc. which I thought was the first really bad sign. If you have an office with communication then WHY would they be real different?

    Then they changed the hours on me, which wasnt so bad because now Im not rushing out the door at 7am, I am able to get my last child on the bus before work and I pretty much get home before all 4 of them do (until they have half days and vacation days that is). Soooo...the hoursa changing wasnt too bad and again I went with the flow.

    Then she came to me AGAIN this past Monday and added MORE hours to my days...which I applied for the morning position and cant take on more afternoon hours...they "say" the extra hours are only 2:30-4:30 (INCLUDING MY 9-1:30pm shift and seminars every now and then on Saturdays)BUT in reality it will be later because its a Dr. office. Hubby and I talked about it and theres no way we can do it with 4 kids and his two jobs, their schedules and ended up having to leave them for a few hours alone (the oldest is going to be 14). They cant be left home alone that many hours and without dinner and supervision...my step-son is classified and has learning disabilities and ADHD so hes a major struggle after school....most importantly, ITS ALSO NOT WHAT I AGREED TO OR APPLIED FOR when I first went for this job.

    I spoke to the girl who left on Friday (her last day was Friday) and she was in tears. Turns out my step-daughter is great friends with ehr daughter so we kinda befriended each other even though I just met her a week ago. I called her yesterday to make sure she was ok.... well.....this is what happened in a nut shell....

    I FOUND OUT A WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF THAT CONFIRMED MY "BAD" GUTT FEELINGS ABOUT THIS JOB...Im telling ya I have a 6th sense about things. After explaining the situation One of the things she told me to do is tell them no right away because thats not what was agreed upon and if I DO SAY YES, they take FULL ADVANTAGE of people there and they will keep piling it on...more hours, more work, etc. The Doctors seperate office is all the way across the end of the building from our front office and where the patient are. I found out from this person who left, in an indirect way, that this Doctor actually listens in our conversations at the front part of the Doctors office (eaves drops) which to me is very weird and very alraming. He must do it thru his intercom button on his phone. It makes sense; he addresses certain conversations with patients that we are nOT allowed to have (like how are they today? about the weather outside, etc. which to me makes the office entirely a non-patient friendly office thast cold and non-caring but whatever) Theres something about him thats a little "not right". He almost seems very controlling. The office manager is like his puppet on a string. Shes very nice but I feel bad for her. Im wondering what else Im going to discover. This is going to be interesting.

    I spoke with the office manager yesterday...told her hubby and I discussed the increased hours and that I was sorry I could not make myself available and it was not what I agreed on. She said she was going to talk to Dr. about it. I havent heard back. I guess once I go in today Ill see if they still want me. Im afraid to lose my job BUT I REFUSE to over extend myself and sacrafice our children and my health becuase Im a whimp, always been a whimp, allow people to dictate and walk all over me and end up in tears, regretting and suffering in the end. I could only prya for a back bone.

    Before I went to the staff meeting I was wreck because I KNEW I had to tell them. After I told her, the fear of losing my job was distant and for the first time I felt empowered becuase it was REALLY hard for me to say NO...it always has been...BUT I DID IT...I may be unemployed but again, it was the right choice for me, my health my sanity and especially for my family.

    Anyone else out there a whimp when it comes to saying "NO"?

    Im really trying to change my negative patterns...living a life a guilt and never being able to tell people NO.

    Hopefully I made a first step...IT WAS REALLY HARD FOR ME.


    [This Message was Edited on 09/20/2006]
  2. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you would lose the job anyway with all the increased hours, right?

    Have you read "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Manual Smith? Helpful to me.
  3. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    Butterfly, I was once right where you are now. Only I worked in a pharmacy and agreed to 20 hours per week, thinking that was not too terribly long to be away from my small children.

    The problem with this is, that when they find a good, reliable worker, no matter what hours they were hired in at, they will keep pushing and before you know it, they will have you working full time. Then it is up to you as to whether you cave and say okay or stand up for what is most important to you.

    My supervisor was also aware of my newly dx'd fibro and made no effort to hide the fact that she thought it was pure baloney. She had me unloading crates of bottled meds that had to weigh at least 30 to 45 pounds per crate, no complaints or even sighs allowed.

    One day I just snapped. When I say snapped, I don't mean that I went off on her in any way. I just had a light bulb moment in which I thought "this is NOT what I signed on for!" By the time I got home, I was far too tired and achy to cook, care or even pay attention to what was going on in my children's lives.

    So I went in the next day, gave my notice and went back home where I knew that *I* belonged. I am not saying my choice was right for anyone else. But in my mind, there will be plenty of time for working when the children are older and more involved in their own activities.

    Unfortunately, that day never came, for me, because the fibro was followed by diabetes, a heart problem and now Sjogren's. But I feel no regrets and no guilt in choosing to go back home and to be there for my children. They grow up so fast and they will always remember that mama was there for them when they needed them most.

    In my mind, everyone with fibro has to deal with a certain amount of guilt if we are not working/contributing to the household funds.And it is much worse if our spouses are not understanding or sympathetic to our situation. But just remember, the most important (and underpaid but that's okay) job in the world is raising children who know they are number one in their parent's eyes. And to paraphrase Jackie-O, "if we mess up raising our kids, then nothing else really matters."

    So my advie, for what it's worth, is to let go of the guilt, let your superiors know what your limitations are, so far as your hours go and let the lumps fall where they may. They are only employers. But your children will be your children for a lifetime and that is where your loyalties and priorities will lie. Do not feel guilty for wanting to be a good mother. Your children will thank you for it! Mine certainly have.
  4. Bren2135

    Bren2135 New Member

    Hi,

    I was a medical assistant, and encountered the same situation quite a few times -- the employment requirements changed drastically, after they hired me. I left several jobs, and was 'let go' from one.

    I struggled with it too -- it was agonizing, really. Didn't really feel guilty, but I loved working, so much that I would push myself harder, in order to stay employed. Also, I was a single mother, and needed the income. It took me a while to admit, I was only hurting myself.

    You're taking care of yourself, and that's what's most important. Pat yourself on the back.

    It also sounds like your hubby is supportive, and I'm so glad for you, in that regard.

    Please keep us posted on what happens..

    Hugs,
    Brenda
  5. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    butterfly:

    What a bad deal they gave you. Reading your post, it seems you are making all the right moves at the right time.

    Yes, it is so difficult to say 'no' sometimes.

    When I used to work, if i said 'no' to something, i would close my eyes and wait for the dust to settle.....

    Good luck with it.

    nyrofan
  6. Butterfly_of_grace

    Butterfly_of_grace New Member

    Here Im home from work...a very busy day WHEW. My legs are killing me. I have to stand the entire time I am there but standing is better than sitting for me anyway...

    well..the results of today are....
    nothing....absolutely NOTHING was said to me (yet)...

    Im wondering if the Doc even knows or whats going on. Im almost afraid to think.

    oh well...I enjoy the bliss as long as it lasts I guess.

    thanks for your responses....Ill keep ya up to date
  7. Butterfly_of_grace

    Butterfly_of_grace New Member

    They were actually not bad to me today at all. I expected Jacki, the office manager, to give me an attitude but she actually didnt. As far as bringing in something for them to munch on well the way the Dr. is there he would have a fit. He feels anything BUT his treatment at his Chiropractors office is nothing but a distraction and that we all have to "stay on topic" and NOT "divert attention elsewhere"...LOL! The Dr. is a bit odd if ya ask me but whatever.

    As far as catching everything...its only a chiropractic office so its not too much exposure...and since the last few yrs I was a Teachers Aide especially last yr when I was a classroom Aide dealing with 40 Kindergarteners on a daily basis (BOOGGER SNATCHERS LOL)I was sick ALOT...so this jonb is actually a step up (way up) germ wise from what I did last yr (blessing in disguise I suppose).

    Anyway, Ill see. Ill just ride the wave for as long as it lasts and well, if they tell me to go then I will...along with my experience.
    Im tired of thinking and worrying about it.
  8. razorqueen

    razorqueen Member

    As hard as it was for you, you did the right thing! Now that you have started saying "no", keep it up at the appropriate times. You are special, and no one has the right to walk all over you!

    Raz
  9. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    There will always be people in the world like this and learning to set limits is a step in learning to take care of yourself....first!!

    You deserve it,

    Hugs...

    Nancy B