Severely depressed boyfriend. Need help!

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by ashtonsmom, Dec 4, 2004.

  1. ashtonsmom

    ashtonsmom New Member

    This past September, by boyfriend was diagnosed with malignant melanoma and almost instantly became depressed. His depression symptoms worsed when he began treatment for the cancer.
    My boyfriend has a history of depression and anxiety over the last 5 years and has previously been treated with Zoloft and Paxil. He currently is on no anti-depressants because of the cancer treatments.
    I love him dearly and want to help him as much as I can. But most of the time he is so frustrated over little things in his day to day life that he either cries or speaks only of how the cancer will someday result in his demise.
    I have been more supportive and caring than anyone could expect. I usually just listen non-judgementally and allow him to cry while I hold him. I have been helping him with things around the house, like cleaning, paying bills, etc. Like I said, I truly love him and want more than anything for him to be the caring, loving man he once was.
    Because of my love for him, I have learned all I can about cancer and depression, sometimes spending entire weekends on the internet researching, but it seems like no matter what I try that our relationship feels like it's crumbling from the stress of depression.
    He really isn't the same as one might expect. He is often irritable, shows very little regard for me and my feelings and I often feel as if he doen't care for me anymore. I know these actions of because of the depression but here is my question...
    Is it okay for me to express to him my feelings? I want to tell him how much I miss the emotional part of our relationship and how much I miss HIM. I, however, am scared that he will feel to blame or that I may say the wrong thing.
    I feel right now I need to tell him how I feel, but I just don't know if I should or if it will make him worse.
    The next question I have is if it is fine for me to discuss my feelings with him, how should I do it? Like I said, I am very supportive and kind to him and I'm not sure what to say without further hurting him.
    Any advice or help would be truly appreciated. Thank you.
  2. sarahbaer

    sarahbaer New Member


    I have been in a similar situation to you, but my b/f and i have split up because of it. Probably not what you wanted to hear but its for the right reasons. He feels that he cant deal with a new relationship (we only dated for about 8-9 weeks). He has suffered from depression for about 18 months.

    In answer to your questions, it IS ok to express to him your feelings, maybe try to wait until he is having a 'good'day this way he in more inclined to listen and give you the support you need. Try to remember that he is a person first and a depression sufferer second. Just sit him down and say that you love and cherish him but this is how he makes you feel sometimes. There is no way for him to be aware of how you feel all the time because in my experiance depressive people dont realise what they do or say half the time.

    I hope that this is helpful, you might want to try the depression message board and chat room on this site, there are tons of really supportive people there who no first hand what it is like to be in your b/f shoes. They will be able to let you know the kinds of things you can say and what to definatley NOT say.

    Let me no how you go

    Luv S
  3. Maria49

    Maria49 New Member

    Hi, I know how it is living with a depressed person and I think it best to express your feelings towards him, tell him how much you love him and that you will be on his side no matter what. Do it as often as you feel like it, sometimes people need to hear it again and again to boast there self image. Let him know that he will never be alone and that you be on his side all the time. I hope that helps good luck
  4. WakeMeUp

    WakeMeUp New Member

    that would probably only hurt him more - because he also misses the person he used to be, and he can't do anything about it!!!

    But do be supportive and tell him that you will be with him through thick and thin for as long as it takes. That is, if you are really going to continue to stick by him.

    Some people are afraid to ask for help. Especially if they were really independent people before they got sick.

    Keeping him in high spirits is important because laughter is the best medicine and it is free. Stuidies have proved that four hard belly laughs a day will help you when you are sick. I'm not saying to start clowning around or anything, but when something comes up and it is appropriate to have a chuckle at it, and you know he will laugh too, it will help his health.

    Let me tell you a story (the short version). We lived in a house with a chain link fence. One night we were watching t.v. and we heard this dog screaming over and over again. We flew downstairs and out to the back yard and saw this dog none of us recognized that had tried to jump the fence, but got his leg caught and couldn't get it out. It was very painful to see.

    The our next door neighbors came out, and soon the dog was surrounded by people that wanted to help him. But he kept growling at all of us! He was in so much pain all he knew was that he hurt and it made him growl.

    Finally we got the right tools from the garage and cut him free and off into the night he went.

    Your boyfriend might be like that dog - he is in so much pain, physically and emotionally and all he knows to do is growl at those around him.

    You could call your hospitals and ask for the HOSPICE department, and talk with the counselors there as to what you can say or do for your boyfriend. They would give the best advice.

    I'm sorry you two are going though this. But I'm sure he is glad he has you in his life!